Panic Over Seas

Long distance relationships can put a lot of pressure on you if you let them but they need not be stressful at all if you look at the relationship logically. The first thing you have to take into consideration is any children of either party and then you have to consider family.

I do not have to worry about family because they are all have passed and it’s me and my children. I do not want anyone to move to the states to be with me because they do not have to. If their work is overseas then it is best to live overseas for the most part and then one has to look at the taxes.

I wouldn’t want him to move here because I don’t want to live here, lol. I am moving after Ryan graduates and I want to live over seas somewhere or another country and I am leaning towards latino countries because of personal believes. I think it is best that we take this real slow and get to know each other.

Sometimes people panic and say things to keep the person in their life but they should be careful of their promises and statements. There is no reason we can’t spend time together on the weekends or when he is alone and when a little one is visiting, I do not or he doesn’t visit me.

I am not one to want to bring children into a relationship for quite some time because  the scares  kids have are deep already and I am not one to want to rattle anyone’s cage. Children get very protective of their opposite parent and I know my son is very protective of me.

The thing about kids is they tell everything and there are no secrets. When I was separated I tried to drive into the kids that my life was mine and do not go back to dad and tell him what I am doing, it is none of his business. Don’t you know they couldn’t wait to tell him every little thing I did.

I know there will be problems if things work out and the x always has their two cents to put into the jar. I have no interest in being a problem for anyone and I definitely do not deal with x wives. I didn’t know her before and I do not know what happened in their relationship nor do I care to want to really know.

I think if we can make it through the first six months then we are doing well enough to go to the next level if things are working for everyone involved. I am a giver and I will do what ever needs to be done to make my relationships happy for everyone.

I do not ever expect to be put before kids unless they are adults then that is a completely different situation. I know how important a child/father/mother relationship is and our children are only children once and how we act shapes their world. We have to always be mindful of our kids and if we are things will work out beautifully.

I can live anywhere and I can go long periods without seeing someone if we keep in contact by phone or computer and I also see a huge changing coming into his life which is employment related, how he brings in money will change drastically and he will do very well for himself.

I do not want him to support me or my children and the nicest gift he could ever give me is a house keeper for a month, lol. My back is so bad that it hurts so much to bend and pick up around the house. I want us both to feel that we have our freedom but we are also one and I know both of us will have to make sacrifices, but it’s one day at a time, baby.

Must The Father

A man loves his children as much as the mother but in a different way and men can and are just as responsible if not more with their children. I do not think either parent should bring a new person around unless they are sure that person is going to be around.

Divorce is very hard on children and they need to adjust even if the parents were separated. It is not easy for any child to see the hurt and anger between their parents and even if you hide it from them, you have hid nothing as they saw the writing on the wall long ago and dreaded it.

When you get involved with someone you need to have a clear understanding of what is expected of each other and their children. I would never get mad if the man I was seeing wanted to be with his kids or had to do something with his children, say if one were to get married I would not feel comfortable attending such an event unless we had been together a long time.

I think if you have been seeing someone on a steady basis for 3-6 months then it is safe to bet you will be together for a while longer. If you have a long distance relationship then you have to base your decision on the time you have spent together, not the time you have communicated on the computer or phone.

To build a relationship two people must spend time together and learn about each other and their likes, dislikes, bad habits, ect. I think we must have a meeting of the minds and mutual respect and the kids play a very important part of my relationship with anyone.

Backbone

The hardest thing in the world to do is to turn your back on your child, especially when they suffer from bipolar disorder. I have no choice but to walk away from my son and it is ripping out my heart. He attempted suicide Oct 1 and was talking the same stuff at 3 a.m. I have done all I can do and now it’s up to cps.

I will be charged with neglect and the state will put him in a facility or in foster care. For a mother to have do this is so very hard. I have no more choices and it is has come down to be getting a backbone and walking away at this point. I cannot let my child destroy me and himself so I have been given no alternative.

The hospital keeps calling and I refuse to pick up the phone because they want me to take responsibility financially and it’s not happening. CPS knows I have done all I can do for him and it gives me no pleasure to have to be so cold to my child. The problem with being a mother is doing what is best and not feeling guilt.

I feel so bad that I have had to do this to my child but it is for his best no matter how it hurts me. I talked to “C” about the situation and I think I could hear a sigh of relief in his voice. Maybe I am imagining it but I have no doubt that having my son out of the way is what he would like.

When you feel like someone is glad to have your kids out of the way there becomes these undertones of disgust that you feel. I also feel a sense of betrayal from him because I thought he would have common sense to accept my kids but I am starting to think differently.

Reject The Child

My son wasn’t acting right tonight so I have stayed up only to have the police come to my door at 3 a.m. My son texted my step daughter in Minnesota and told her he was suicidal. She called the police instead of me, which was really the right thing to do.

As a mother, I have had a hard time accepting Ryan in and out of the hospital because it’s as if I am reliving my life with my husband. I am so worn out with dealing with medical issues and burying family members that I just cannot take anymore. Tonight was very difficult because I had to watch four grown men try to hold my son down.

He is built like an ox and as strong as ten and they finally had to handcuff him after threatening to taser him. I have refused to go to the hospital which will put his care in the hands of cps. I do not have any choice because I cannot live with him constantly trying to kill himself.

I sent his cps worker a text and it is so hard to turn away from your child and the situation is I either walk away and save myself or I let him literally kill me slowly then kill himself. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I have to and my heart is breaking but sometimes tough love is better than no love at all.

I realize the state will take custody of him and he will end up in fostercare  or a program and I am praying for the prgram and I know his cps worker will do everything possible to get him in one. These are the times I need loving arms and a shoulder and this is the time I really miss that.

The Child Fears

Children are so easily intimidated by adults and their innocence hangs out their like a banner behind a plane. Our children come into this world with a clean slate and adults write on that slate with good as well as bad. One thing that a child should never be part of is sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse leaves a child with so many scares it is very hard for them to have a “normal” life as they get older. Sexual abuse does one of two things to children, they either become frigid or they become promiscuous as they get older. All the therapy in the world cannot wash away the dirt on their “life slate”.

As a child, I had an uncle that sexually abused my sister as well as myself and even years later he was molesting his own grand daughter. I was three maybe four and my sister was five or six and yes I do remember and yes it still comes to me in flashes. 

Why didn’t we tell? Because we were innocent and he put the fear of God in us and I remember him telling me he would do to my grandmother what she did to the chickens. We lived on a farm and my grandmother killed older hens for dinner and yes the fear was very real.

Children of abuse act out and I do not remember how I acted out but my sister drowned all the new born kittens of one of our cats. Back then we didn’t have the scientific studies of the effects of molestation on children that we have today and there wasn’t help for us either.

Fast forward to when I was eleven I lived down the street from a horse stable and being an animal lover I was always there and that is where I met Casey. Casey was a grown man in his forties and he had a Tennessee Walker and this horse was so damn tall at least 16 hands and he wouldn’t let me ride him unless he was in the saddle behind me.

One day we were riding in the back field and he got roaming hands and rushing fingers in my no no places. I was too afraid to say anything as we rode and he molested me. From that day on I was afraid to be near him and to afraid to tell my mom because she wouldn’t let me be around the horses any longer.

That is how a child reacts to something so terrible, they are more afraid of the consequences then they are of the act. I told my girlfriend about what Casey had done and she told me he had done the same thing to her and she didn’t want to tell either.

When I was almost twenty I was raped and I got pregnant and that was a terrible time for me to deal with. I wasn’t established enough to afford to raise a child and everyday I was pregnant was a living hell for me. I had to make a decision that would affect me the rest of my life.

I could have had the baby and gave it up for adoption or I could terminate the pregnancy for I already knew I could not have this child. For me to have this child and keep it was not an option because of the circumstances of how the baby was to come into my life.

I ended up terminating and almost died from a terrible infection I got from the termination. Still to this day I remember the termination and how it was Easter time and my girlfriend took me to the clinic. There were two groups of women and girls, the ones that got pregnant from their boyfriends and the ones that had been raped.

Rape victims were treated differently as the staff talked endlessly to us about our choices and counseling options. I was finally taken into a room a given a paper gown to put on and told to get up on the table. My legs were put in stirrups and I was given a mild painkiller as the doctor scraped the embryo from my body.

As I came out of my painkiller state it hit me that I just had given up my first child and the tears rolled out of my eyes as I tried to process what I had just done. I put the pad in my panties and got dressed and my gf took me home and I laid on the couch for several days healing.

I started to have uncontrollable pain and a fever of 104 degrees and the clinic told me to go to another clinic 45 minutes away. A friend took me and my womb was seriously inflamed and full of infection, they gave me intravenous antibiotics and sent me home about six hours later.

I ended up in the hospital for several days until I was stable enough and I was sent home to be on my own. I confided into my aunt what had gone on and she was my support, not my mother. She was always there for me and then she died several years ago leaving me without a “rock”.

People wonder why I have trust issues? Why I am so hesitant to get involved into a serious relationship again after my marriage and why I am in need of so much love and affection from arms that want to hold me not molest me. I am in no way frigid, in fact quite the opposite.

 I am not looking for sympathy from anyone, I am just unloading all the crap that has haunted me in my life and I am letting this all out so I can dump it from my life. I want to go into another relationship with as less baggage as possible and I first have to face the things I have buried so deep.

Where Have All

Where have all the children gone? I was a child when I was seventeen but now girls as early as eight years old are getting pregnant. There seems to be no more childhoods for kids, they are born and tossed into adulthood at such an early age that they no longer can be kids.

There are too many pregnancies, divorces and break ups going on in our world today that children no longer have a chance to grow up the way they should, being kids. To many kids become responsible for their siblings because their parent has to work double shifts or afternoons and cannot be home to care for them.

I do not believe anyone should collect welfare and be able to have an iphone, drive a Cadillac or collect benefits if they cannot get work or at least show they are trying. I know the economy is hard but a little creativity has to come into play with you need money and how to raise it.

If we do not start changing our world now it will definitely go to hell in a hand basket, but how can you stop technology? The world is revolving around technology but why can’t we have technology and live somewhat in the past? Is it too much to ask to teach kids manners and let them be kids?

The Damaged Child Within

I have spent years in counseling on and off to help heal the damaged child within and I can say the counseling helped some but not as much as I had hoped. It is so hard to love yourself when you have always been brain washed to think you are no good, a useless person, unloveable and unwanted.

I do not live in the past but there are times when the past shows itself and I prefer not to look at the past. It is what it was and that’s life and some people let the past shape their future. I have suffered a lot of hurt in my life and it has made me the person that I am. We cannot let the ugliness of the past affect our present life.

People hold on to hate and anger like its a life raft which does nothing but push them further out to sea. I try to let go of anger I have and it is slowly dissipating. I have anger from my husband’s death but that is part of the grieving process and I am not as angry as I used to be.

At this moment I feel no anger towards anyone and I blame myself for most of the bad things that have happened in my life. I have made some very serious mistakes in my life and my past is so far from Lilly white. I have to look at the good that has come out of the bad and focus on that.

If you choose to focus on the negative in your life then that is what you will draw to you but if you focus on the positive life isn’t that bad. I know some people are consumed with the anger of their past and that is so sad, when they could be happy and forget that garbage that hurts them.

Every once in a while I have the demons from my past pop up and yes I do get angry but I try to push that demon’s head back down into the past where he belongs but there is no doubt that we can never escape our past and we have to live with it no matter what. Our past does not reflect our future and I will not let it affect mine.

 

 

The Child

This child was born at 2:50 pm on January 17, 1995 she is now a young adult who seems not to need her mother, but this is so not true. Children have a connection with their mother’s which is totally different from a relationship with their fathers. A child will forever need their mom and go to her in times of trouble or need.

I have always been totally honest with my children because that’s the way I am and my husband’s health was not good and they watched him leave the house on a gurney way to many times. They never knew if he would live or die and I would tell them the truth when they asked me questions.

Most moms that are having a difficult time with their daughter must remember one thing, children need us always no matter how old they get or how much they think they know. They will always come back to mom and seek out her knowledge, advice or help and you can bank on that.

My daughter and I have been separated since June and I do not see her often but when she needs something she is seeking me out. Just like tomorrow, she wants to come over and have me help her bake something for her pom squad. Moms are priceless and don’t forget it, the place of a mom isn’t always a happy place either.

It’s hard to watch our children fall but we must let them fall and not pick them up, how else will they learn? I hate the thought of watching my children learn hard lessons in a sad way but it must be that way if they are to become the person they are meant to be. It’s a tough job being a mom because you are responsible for everything that happens to your child and they blame you when their life isn’t easy.

I am a mom and a dad and I can tell you I suck at it, I am not a good dad at all and I know it. I try to give my kids what they need but I am unable to do that. I cannot give them their father’s love or do everything for them the way he did, being a dad has to come from a dad and when doesn’t have one it has an impact on a child’s life.

Divorced parents should be responsible and mature enough not to argue and fight and let their children hear them. Keep that shit where it belongs, in your brain not coming out of your mouth. Parents do not realize how divorce has an impact on children and how it can damage them for life.

Photos

I was looking through a package of photos of the kids, they grow so fast don’t they? I look at Shelby and Ryan when they were 5 and 3 and how damn cute they were. I remember dressing up like a witch at Halloween and Ry was scared to death of me as he didn’t recognize me. I remember making crab for dinner one night and I started chasing Ryan with a crab claw and he ran like crazy scared.

I know it sounds mean but it was funny as hell, it really was. I ran across one photo of Bob and myself and it reminded me how we have few pictures of us together. Seriously there may be four or five at the most. What about our wedding pictures? Well, my gf took the pictures and not one turned out, what a way to start a marriage.

It’s sad when I think back how we were just friends and not really marriage partners, yes we had sex not often but we did until he became impotent. No, I did not go out and cheat, he took care of the situation the way a man should. I can remember my husband saying no to sex many a night when he wasn’t impotent.

He would actually turn down sex because he said he was wore out and sore, lol.  I look back with blandness, I don’t see good memories of us, not one and that is so sad. I just feel nothing when I look back, I look back and I see the kids growing as Bob worked a lot and we hardly saw him.

When he lost his leg because of a dr.s error he changed so much, he no longer wanted to be with us as a family he kept himself occupied by cleaning the house and cutting the lawn. we just existed for eighteen yrs. There are so many people out there that are living the same way.

They love their spouse but the in love is gone and there is no more spark in your marriage but you stay just the same. The thought of divorce is to much of a bitter pill to swallow so you carry on. Then one day out of the blue, your spouse hands you divorce papers and you are totally shocked.

That’s basically what happened with Bob and I, I told him I wanted a divorce but I didn’t file for about six months and when I did he was blind sided. He never thought I would go through with it and then he became very mean and ugly. He thought there was another man but there was not

Days before the divorce was to be final, we got back together, then we found out he was sick and had only a month to live. We came home and started getting things ready and the first two weeks he could walk by the third week he needed a cane then wheel chair and the fourth week he couldn’t get out of bed.

He died peacefully at 1:11 p.m. and the kids got out of school at 2:35 and didn’t get home until 3:00 p.m. Bob’s body had been removed before the kids got home and I had to tell them that he had died. The shock went through each one of us as we hugged and cried, from four to three is hard when he shouldn’t have left us.

The Drive

My son and I drove seventy miles to our rv and winterized it, turned around and came back home as the thrill was gone by the time we got the sink fixed and the rv buttoned up for the winter. We have such good talks and laughs when it’s just him and I.

Shelby has always been mad that her brother was born and took attention away from her but that seems to be the case with most children without siblings. I have found the only child family to end up with a selfish and self centered child most of the times.

They seem to always get what they want and think they can go through life and expect the same thing. The only child behavior is exactly why I didn’t want just one child. Those of you that are an only child can say I am full of it but look at your life, really look at it.

You tend to like to be competitive because you like to win and like all the attention on yourselves. Fine through rocks at me but ask anyone with multiple children. My son is the most loving child but my daughter has bitch written across her forehead in neon.

Maybe it’s just her age but I do not think so as she has always been very selfish and wanting the best. My daughter is taking all honors classes this year and she is one of those girls that every mother wishes she had and every mother would love to have as a girlfriend for her son.

Both of my kids are very impressive intellectually because they got my dad’s genes. My dad had a “third eye” as he could see things others couldn’t. He was hired by the gov’t to work on a secret project back in the sixties so that tells you he was no slacker.

My dad and I became acquainted five years ago and since we met I tend to have no intestinal fortitude for weak minded men or people in general. My dad was a unique person in so many ways, he made his own silver water for medicinal purposes.

It’s hard to find intelligent men in my neck of the woods so when I do run across one randomly I really enjoy their company. Nice boobs just doesn’t get it for intelligent conversation but some men do not know anything else but sex.