So Sleepy

I think I fell asleep around 4:30 this morning and I know I was crying because my pillow was wet this morning. I have no answers nor does cps when it comes to Ry. They understand that there are no answers but I noticed Ry pulled this crap on the night Shelby came over.

I have to stay firm and not take Ry back for quite some time because he is killing me slowly. I refuse to wear the cloak of the failing mother because I didn’t fail, the world failed me and my son. I am holding back the tears but the damn is going to break and I am afraid I will wash away with it.

What does he want from me? Why can’t he be at least a little happy? Why can’t I be happy? Is there happiness in this world or is it all a lie we live and tell ourselves. I have no one to love me but I am not trying to kill myself, what can I do? What can cps do? What can anyone do?

It’s so damn hard to watch your child live in a self imposed exile from the world but I cannot change his reality or his fantasies. As far as “him”, I have changed my mind and will not expose his true identity because I want him to go away and just cutting him out of my life is best.

He could sue me but that wouldn’t look to good on his behalf but knowing the con he is he would blame my bipolar disorder and he would say I am crazy instead of being a man and standing up to what he does. He is nothing but a fuck that I do not want to know ever and I have no desire to know even a bit of him.