The Union True

We are programmed to marry, raise our children and divorce or divorce and raise our children. The union true of marriage is a contractual agreement between two people and the contractual agreement doesn’t make room for emotional feelings. People make a huge mistake of marrying for love alone.

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Love doesn’t pay the bills and love doesn’t guarantee happiness and it doesn’t guarantee longevity of the union true. Women tend to want to get married more quickly than a man but there are some men that require marriage to make them feel secure. I am secure within myself even though I have days of self-doubt but I do not need to legalize a union true.

If I ask you to marry me I am not asking for a legal document, I am asking for a commitment of your heart.

I consider myself married to someone because I have not laid with another and I am here for him always. He makes me mad, damn mad at times and I infuriate him as well but it’s a beautiful thing we have. Totally unconventional, we love each other but we do not know each other to be in love with one another.

I love so many things about him but what I really get a kick out of is when he thinks he pulling a sneaky over my eyes. He is a riot and so funny and I sit back and just laugh and laugh. He is very smart but guess what? I have check mated him several times with great joy and I don’t play chess, lol.

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A Hope A Dream

I woke up to take Ryan to school and he was up all night sick so he didn’t make it to school, again. I am still sick myself with the intestinal flu. I went back to bed and had the most delightful dream. I seem to have the best dreams after I go back to sleep and they are always so comforting.

I was sleeping in his bed in France and the light was sneaking peeks through the drapes. He was lieing behind me with his arm over my waist. I could feel the warmth of his body and his breath on my neck and I moved his hand from my waist and placed it on my bare breast.

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We were so comfortable and it felt so right to be next to him. There was no sexual arousal, it was just two people feeling secure and happy to be with each other. Both of us needed this time to relax and to recharge for the day ahead and he was going to be leaving for the day shortly.

He repositioned himself and we slowly awoke and he climbed over me to get out of bed and into the shower. My day wasn’t to start for several more hours but the thought of him in the shower made me get up and join him. Both of us stood under the hot water and I soaped up the sponge and began to wash him.

I slowly moved the sponge over his neck and down his chest and then I washed his back and moved back to his crotch and gently washed his erect member. I worked around to his tight butt and washed him delicately. He kissed my neck and put me against the wall and entered me slowly.

This was no hasty sexual act but an act of slow methodical  demonstrative love. We made slow, passionate love and both of us exploded like a bomb. I washed his hair and then bent down and washed his legs and feet as he washed my hair and bathed me. We exited the shower and dried each other off and both of us had that look of mischievous on our faces.

I took off towards the bed and he chased me and as I dove into the bed he followed. We got under the covers and in a comfortable position and we talked about the days events. He got out of bed and I admired his glistening nakedness as he got dressed and then I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing.

I really like dreams like this because it makes me feel safe and secure, he makes me feel safe and secure and just thinking of him puts a smile on my face. I wish he was just a regular guy with a regular job but he isn’t regular in any way shape or form. With all that he has he also goes without the security of knowing that people like him for himself not his title.

People can be rich and famous and others think they have it all but the truth is they have no piece of mind. They always have to protect themselves from users and people who want to capitalize from them. Women have to be analyzed for their intentions and motives as well.

Would I ever want to be rich and famous? No, you may have the fame and all that you want materialistically but you can never be sure if someone likes you for you and nothing more. I have known him for years and the last two is when I discovered who he really is.

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It is difficult for me to know who he is because I feel as if he compares me to all of the other women that want to be with him because of who he is. He doesn’t realize that his fame is a total turn off to me because I have no desire to live that lifestyle, no I am the girl who wants to go back to her youth of happiness living on a farm.

My wedding ring is very beautiful I guess but I am not into jewelry and my daughter wants my ring. I do not know if I should give it to her or not because it does represent her father and I. The ring means nothing to me and holds no memories like it should but the first sign that the marriage wasn’t going to work was the day we got married.

My girlfriend took pictures at the justice of the peace and not a single picture turned out. That represented a black cloud over our marriage to me. Things progressively got more distant as the years went on and we were no more than two ships passing in the night. I look back now and I see my purpose in the marriage was to take care of my husband until he reached heaven.

I did all the required duties and so much more but the marriage lacked the essentials for a happy union. I guess I am a strange  bird because I do not want anyone to support me or pay my bills and take care of my kids. I do not want a fancy house and car and I do not want a closet full of expensive clothes.

What do I want? A small ranch and a garden that I can pick fresh tomatoes, cilantro, garlic and jalapeno peppers. I really like hot sauce and making my own is the best. I just want a simple, happy life and I think that is what he is striving for himself because he has realized long ago the pitfalls of fame.

No matter how my dreams end I will always want him to be happy and healthy and I will always want his happiness, even if it is at the expense of my own. I have such a deep believe in the thought of us as true soul mates and that will never change because it continues to grow stronger year by year.

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Turn Away

So you have all the answers to all the questions and you need no one, not your spouse, family or God. You do not believe in God? Then why do you call out his name in your hour of troubled times?

Life isn’t about loving God, life is about doing as God puts forth in front of you and it is you who changes the world by being God’s instrument. Religion has nothing to do with it and neither do personal beliefs.

I am an instrument of God’s love and peace and that is gladly given for the life I live. My life is not happy but maybe it isn’t suppose to be about happiness, maybe it’s suppose to be about lessons and learning at this point.

I love to deeply and feel to strongly but there is a reason for that even if I do not know it at this time. I am happiest when I am doing for others so my life is not my own, it belongs to those that I can make smile, change their world and give them inner peace. 

The Ring Changes

Why is it when people get married the real person tends to come out? There seems that control comes with the ring and that is why I am scared to death to remarry. I watch people turn from a loving couple into two people that argue and try to control each other. I do not want to ever control anyone or anyone control me.

If you have a good relationship you should be able to discuss your problems and things that bother each other. You should never feel you have the right to tell another what they can and cannot do. I’m not opposed to marriage, I’m just opposed to controlling relationships.

I believe we should all be adult enough to settle our differences without killing each other or hurting each other. Why can’t we support each other and the things each wants to do without playing the heavy foot? Why can’t people just be themselves and live their life as it was meant to be lived?

To Be Sure

People fall in love and get married without really looking at the person and they deal strictly on emotion. When I got married I was thirty four and got pregnant. Yes, I was on the pill but being fertile Myrtle proved to be stronger than any birth control pill. I married my husband because I thought he would be a good dad, how wrong I was.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband after ten years of marriage or so but I was never in love with him nor him with me. We were raised during a time that you did the “right thing” and got married if knocked up. I made it clear to him that I wanted two kids not just one.

He didn’t want anymore kids but that wasn’t the deal we made. When I was ovulating I would practically have to chase his butt down and tie him to the bed because he just wasn’t into sex. How can a man not be into sex? He wasn’t into making babies but to bad I got my son anyway.

When I was giving birth he told me to shut up because I was in so much pain, that is why I never fell in love with him. He was very into himself and he was very selfish. Bob always wanted the best that we could afford, even if we couldn’t afford it he would go buy it. I would invest my money for the kids education and he spent every damn dime of that money during our divorce.

We got back together and he died a month later, once again leaving me to fend for the kids and myself after he spent all the money. He wasn’t all bad but he was very selfish and I will never be with another person like that again. I think people place too much emphasis on love and not enough on real compatibility.

The biggest mistake people make is marrying for love and not looking at what the two have in common. Money is a huge problem in marriages because people do not look at each other’s spending and saving habits. I am not a spender because I have had to take care of myself since I was young and I know the importance of saving.

I have made some really stupid mistakes with money when I was sick but now that I am doing well physically and mentally I am back on track. I get excited over little things like wild flowers instead of roses, diamonds hold no interest to me and neither do big houses and fancy cars.

Of course I like these items but it doesn’t mean I want them because I know the importance of people over items. I only need enough to get by and I am happy. Life isn’t about the material crap, it’s about the moments that make memories we cherish and look back on, moments are all about life but material crap won’t hold your hand.

I am glad I am starting to see someone because it makes me look at my life differently and what I really want. I won’t end up with him permanently that I am sure of because I feel that I need to date several guys over a period of time before I make the decision to settle down with just one.

I thought I would end up with someone who has been in my life for the past 3-4 yrs. but that will never happen and I am moving on. We have never met and never will so it’s time to cut my losses and move forward. He doesn’t know me anymore than I know him and he won’t even meet me to see if he would be interested in going further.

So I have finally made the decision to move on and leave him to his own devices. He makes me feel like I am not good enough for him or pretty enough, thin enough, have enough money. I don’t want a damn thing from him and that includes supporting me, I did want one thing, his love but that will never happen so he’s being left behind while I find someone who cares about me and will love me.

I am over flowing with love and affection and I have wasted it for years on him and it’s time to respect and love myself enough to find someone who will truly appreciate what I have to offer as a woman and a lover. I have no doubt in time I will be happy for the rest of my life but for now I am just redefining Kimberly.

Where Did The $$$$ Go?

My husband spent every dime he got his hands on and I saved every dime I got my hands on. I put funds away for my children’s education and he spent every dime of the one hundred fifty some thousand dollars I saved. I had always wondered how he could spend that much money in such a short period of time and I found out today.

I never thought my husband could stoop so damn low but then again I am finding out that most men stoop just as low if not lower. I never paid attention to who was at the funeral or who was crying and now I wish I had. Sometimes, we want to think the best of people who hurt us when we shouldn’t think of them at all.

I can never let my kids know what I have found out as I do not want to tarnish his memory than it already is in their minds. His ex-wife had the nerve to tell my son he cheated on her and that is why they got divorced. Why did she feel it necessary to share that tidbit with my son?

I do not care what happens during a divorce as long as the kids are not brought into the mix but people seem to always use their kids when divorce is eminent. Things I thought my husband would never do he did tenfold and if he weren’t already dead I swear I could kill him.

Why do good people always get burned? Why do good people always get used and lied to? Why do good people get shit on at every turn? I do not deserve the crap I have been put through and I do not appreciate another bitch in my bed, if you know what I mean. I wonder if I do not have a fuck me sign on my back anymore.

Who Am Us

Do you know who you really are? Do you know who your spouse really is? Do you think you know everything there is to know about your significant other? LOL, please excuse me if I appear rude but I thought the same thing until I filed for divorce. A divorce brings out the ugly in a person and my husband didn’t play fair.

I have learned you never know what anyone is really capable of until you go through a break up and it doesn’t have to be a divorce. I get pretty pissed but I draw the line at saying certain things that could possibly hurt the other person in more ways than one and I don’t do that kind of shit.

I watch my kids change daily and it’s so odd to see them go from kids to young adults with their own thoughts and goals. I’m proud of my kids and know they will do just fine without me here to hold their hands. I plan on moving when my son graduates and enjoying my life with someone else, hopefully by that time things will have changed for someone I care for.

Photos

I was looking through a package of photos of the kids, they grow so fast don’t they? I look at Shelby and Ryan when they were 5 and 3 and how damn cute they were. I remember dressing up like a witch at Halloween and Ry was scared to death of me as he didn’t recognize me. I remember making crab for dinner one night and I started chasing Ryan with a crab claw and he ran like crazy scared.

I know it sounds mean but it was funny as hell, it really was. I ran across one photo of Bob and myself and it reminded me how we have few pictures of us together. Seriously there may be four or five at the most. What about our wedding pictures? Well, my gf took the pictures and not one turned out, what a way to start a marriage.

It’s sad when I think back how we were just friends and not really marriage partners, yes we had sex not often but we did until he became impotent. No, I did not go out and cheat, he took care of the situation the way a man should. I can remember my husband saying no to sex many a night when he wasn’t impotent.

He would actually turn down sex because he said he was wore out and sore, lol.  I look back with blandness, I don’t see good memories of us, not one and that is so sad. I just feel nothing when I look back, I look back and I see the kids growing as Bob worked a lot and we hardly saw him.

When he lost his leg because of a dr.s error he changed so much, he no longer wanted to be with us as a family he kept himself occupied by cleaning the house and cutting the lawn. we just existed for eighteen yrs. There are so many people out there that are living the same way.

They love their spouse but the in love is gone and there is no more spark in your marriage but you stay just the same. The thought of divorce is to much of a bitter pill to swallow so you carry on. Then one day out of the blue, your spouse hands you divorce papers and you are totally shocked.

That’s basically what happened with Bob and I, I told him I wanted a divorce but I didn’t file for about six months and when I did he was blind sided. He never thought I would go through with it and then he became very mean and ugly. He thought there was another man but there was not

Days before the divorce was to be final, we got back together, then we found out he was sick and had only a month to live. We came home and started getting things ready and the first two weeks he could walk by the third week he needed a cane then wheel chair and the fourth week he couldn’t get out of bed.

He died peacefully at 1:11 p.m. and the kids got out of school at 2:35 and didn’t get home until 3:00 p.m. Bob’s body had been removed before the kids got home and I had to tell them that he had died. The shock went through each one of us as we hugged and cried, from four to three is hard when he shouldn’t have left us.

When A Man Loves A Woman

When men are in love it is quite different from a woman, most of the time. Men think of sex first and foremost and woman think of love. When a man loves a woman he will contact her daily and try to impress her in the beginning and same with women. Women are sneaky bitches these day and men have to protect themselves.

There are women are there that will get knocked up and try to get married, which of course never does last and another divorce is on the docket. I know longer believe in marriage with a legal document  because if you really love someone you shouldn’t need to get married and you shouldn’t have to have a kid to solidify the relationship.

Men usually are not as emotional as women but they can get just as mean and nasty as a woman scorned. I can see getting upset but not taking it further than some hateful words. When you start posting pics that are hurtful for someone to see on fb then you really need to  step back and take a look at yourself and what you are trying to achieve.

 

Skipping Through Life

My son attempted suicide two nights ago and is in ICU, they took the tube out of his throat this afternoon and he is pissed he is alive. He was very very verbally abusive to me and doesn’t want to see me, fine.

He wants his computer so he can post fb crap and I will have none of it. He has only his sister and myself and he thinks he’s coming home tomorrow, no way. He will go from ICU to a psychiatric hospital and then a long term psychiatric facility and it’s best that he doesn’t see me.

I have done the best I can with no family and my husband died last yr. so I am all alone, now I completely alone without my kids. It’s fine, I’m ok and the truth is I can finally breathe a sigh of relief as my son has put me through my paces and I need a break.

It’s time for me to leave my husband buried and open myself up to emotional and physical love, which I have had neither in years. Marriage doesn’t guarantee love or committment even though he never cheated, there was no love. We were best friends and that was the extent of the relationship.

I will never marry again because I do not believe another person has the right to tell anyone else what they can and cannot do. Marriage doesn’t guarantee anything but a divorce and who needs the hassle?

If you want out go, why pay lawyers? Just go and it’s all good. Marriage does not have the meaning or value system it once held and people do not have the morals and beliefs they once had.

I’m looking forward to skipping through life enjoying every minute and doing all that I have ever wanted to do and see all that I have wanted to see. I love foreign cultures and am looking forward to savoring what life has to offer.

Let the adventure begin………………………..