The Year Of Nots

She woke up Christmas morning and blinked twice as she listened to her dogs wanting to go out. She turned over in bed and thought to herself “another day another empty holiday.” This was the year of nots, not a happy valentines day, not a happy easter, not a happy birthday, not a happy Thanksgiving and definitely not a Merry Christmas.

They just had no desire to decorate or even put up a tree and she had bought her daughter a new television the month before. Her son wanted for nothing but a few shirts with league of legends characters. 

She got out of bed and let the boys out and she thought to herself that this was not the way a holiday should be. The kids had gotten her nothing and there were no presents under the tree because there had been no tree this year.

She got dressed and took the boys for their morning walk which was just short of four miles. She then gave her son the package with the shirts she had ordered for him and gave her daughter a planner that she had wanted.

She sat on the couch feeling nothing, absolutely nothing-no sadness, no anger, nothing – not a single emotion. She then got up and put the turkey breast in the oven and a while later she put the potatoes in the oven.

The triple berry pie had been made the night before and she had also made a chocolate cake. The turkey was finally done and she removed it from the oven and let it rest while the dinner rolls baked to a beautiful golden color.

She texted her on which was the standard form of communication between them as he was totally addicted to league of legends. He played the game from morning until night and only came out of his room to use the bathroom or to eat.

They each had a place to sit to eat dinner, her son went to his bedroom as usual, she sat on one couch and her daughter sat on the other. The family co-existed under one roof but the family dynamic had changed long ago.

Her daughter’s boyfriend came and picked her up and she sat on the couch by herself for hours, which was common for her. Her son came downstairs to get a piece of pie and they chatted about the day she had found out about her husband didn’t death.

They didn’t cry and her son had such a vivid memory of what had taken place that day. She on the other hand had forgotten so much and it was no doubt do to the shock of everything she had learned.

Mother and son chatted and walked down memory lane until the son was ready to return to his online game. Mother was left wanting to forget the conversation and to move on. She wanted to open herself up to the new man that was so very interested in her.

They had the same ideals and felt the same way about so many things  but she was afraid to let him get close to her. She was so afraid of getting hurt and even more afraid that the man she had waited for, for so long would finally  come knocking on her door and she would end up hurting the new man.

She hated hurting anyone and she hated hurting herself and all she wanted was to get through the holidays and finally find some peace of mind, some happiness. She was in need of love and a friend and she was finally going to allow someone to be a friend at least.

The Wish Of Christmas

My wish for Christmas is that my children stay healthy and know that I love them. My wish of Christmas that I may touch people in a helpful and positive manner. I want not for myself because what I want and need cannot be purchased and comes with no price tag. I just want those that are grieving to know we grieve together.

We may feel we are alone at times but we are never truly alone as our loved ones are with us. I know those that have moved on never forget us and they look down upon us with love and hope for our happiness. It is difficult to be without family and the holidays are terribly lonely without them but we must remember the joy we brought into each other’s lives.

The tear you shed today comes back to you in the form of a hug you cannot see and a kiss you can feel but lips you cannot see. Hold tight to those good memories and be thankful you had the time you did with that person. Be thankful you have family and those of us that do not, let it be known we hold hands and are together.

Tears Of Holiday

This is the first Christmas without my dad and the second Christmas without my husband. I quit enjoying holidays the year I got married. Watching my kids open gifts was always a delight but when that was over I considered the day over and I was always glad. Tears of Holidays follow me like my shadow and I always cry these days over the empty, lost feeling of being alone on the holidays.

My kids have their own agenda and the closest I have been to my son in quite a while was tonight when both of us ran for the bathroom, him to puke and me, well there are certain foods that shoot through my system like a cannon. I do have to laugh because he puked all over the toilet, himself and me and I shit all over myself.

We didn’t know which smelled worse but both of us ended up taking showers, like yesterday. It just amazes me how we have four bathrooms but we seem to always use the one. I wonder if that is the case in most homes or is this just another oddity to this household.

I do not have a single decoration up or a Christmas tree and I just do not have any desire to celebrate the holiday’s because there is nothing for me to celebrate. Do I celebrate my dad’s death? My husband’s? No, I celebrate nothing even though Christmas has nothing to do with us or buying presents.

 

Nick

The Beach Boys were very popular when I was like 5 or 6 and Christmas just wasn’t Christmas without this song. 

We were living with my grandparents on their farm and Christmas morning was always so exciting, as it should be for kids. My grandparents pinned our stockings to the back of the couch because we had no fireplace. They would be filled with walnuts, apples and oranges so of course we never bothered with them, lol.

I can remember listening to Little St. Nick in my nightgown watching the snow fall and opening presents. Christmas was as it should be, fun, exciting and filled with love and laughter. It’s been many years since I have felt that way about Christmas and I do not know if I will ever feel that way again.

Holidays are for families and I have spent several holidays all by myself with a microwave dinner and tv. It’s a lonely place to be by yourself on a holiday and it makes you really appreciate your loved ones. I would so love to spend a holiday with someone who loved me for me but that has yet to happen, minus my children of course.

Christmas Reality

images

As a young girl I remember a movie about xmas that I have seen only once but I still remember it. I was about eight years old and it there was a blizzard outside. I was holed up in my night-gown drinking hot chocolate, the kind you made on the stove.

The story was about a boy about my age who lived in the ghetto’s of New York and his family had no money for Christmas. This little boy found this cat and fell in love with it and the corner store owner ended up giving this little boy tuna fish to feed his cat.

That’s all I can remember about the story but it has stuck with me all these years. The kindness of one can make another’s world so bright and gay. It would be nice if people didn’t wait for the holidays to do good things for others but I will take whatever is offered in this world at this time.

I wish I could remember the name of that movie because I would so like to watch it again. There are some movies that have such an impact on us we never forget them. This movie is a real eye opener to the kindness of man and to see it again would be so delightful.

Feminine Control

IMG_3788Women can control men so easily and men fall for it most of the time. I was listening to my daughter talk to her bf and she was bossing him around and he just couldn’t jump fast enough. One thing I have learned in my life is when someone jumps and does everything for someone they are also building anger.

IMG_3786

When you boss someone around they begin to feel less than who they are and their self esteem is affected. Eventually, they blow up and want to control everything. There is no more “honey how much money do we have?” There are no more days where one is asking the other about bills being paid ect., it’s proof time.

I watched this happen with my husband, he accused me of hiding money and making investments he didn’t know about. Hell, I wasn’t hiding a damn thing, he just never cared as long as he had his cigarettes and food to eat. He cashed in so many investments and screwed the kids but that is water under the bridge.

IMG_3852

I am thinking about making some very radical moves where my son Ryan is concerned. I am tossing back and forth about letting him test out for his g.e.d. and put him into college. I don’t know we will have to see, his attorney thinks it might just be the way to go with Ryan.

Shelby is finding her own voice and finally standing up for herself with me. She is still afraid I am going to get mad at her but I am trying to explain how hard it is. I am letting go of my little girl and watching a woman emerge and  that isn’t so easy for me to swallow even though I must.

Seriously Now

People move to fast in today’s world and everyone wants everything right now and that includes relationships. I am very cautious of people and relationships because I am afraid to get hurt. “C” and I have spent time together and we talk on the phone and skype all the time.

He’s talking about Christmas and us possibly living together, I haven’t been seeing him a month and he is talking like this. I am not going to live with him, we haven’t even done the deed. Why do people feel so threatened  and think if you are married, living together or are a couple that you and every thing you do should revolve around them.

You cannot control anyone and being in a relationship doesnt  give you the right of control.  “C” is jealous of “him” which is so stupid but it is quite obvious. I told “C” that “he” said he would meet me in vegas in January and we both busted out laughing when I told him. We know that will never happen because “he” likes to play games.

The way things work out for me is I would go to vegas and he wouldn’t show of course and I would end up hurt and disappointed again and I will not let him do that to me. If he wanted to meet me he would make arrangements to do so which would be convenient for me and my safety. Who knows he might be the next one that is into white slavery or something off the wall.

Boxed I

Have you ever met someone and didn’t like them and you were mean or ignored them only later to meet them again and be attracted to them? Maybe you stole something from them and later found yourself so attracted you couldn’t let go? Don’t you hate when things like that happen?

What have you done to yourself? You have boxed yourself in and it’s hard to redeem yourself in the other persons eyes. You spent hours trying to figure out how you can get this person to forgive you and get some of their attention. I have never had that happen, lol but I have had that happen to guys and they seem to have this desire to be with me.

I can remember when I was around 21 I went to the bar with some friends to celebrate my birthday and one friends boyfriends friend was an annoying ass. My girlfriend went home with her boyfriend and had his friend give me a ride home. What a night, he drove a vet and decided to show me how fast it went, lmao.

He ended up going to jail that night for speeding and drunk driving and I drove his vet to my house. He picked up his car the next day and exactly one year later he called me to wish me happy birthday and to ask me out. It’s funny how people remember me at the oddest times.

Someone I know has been trying to redeem themselves and I wish they would stop because it’s water under the bridge, dirty panties in the wash and the wet spot has dried. I have long ago forgiven him and I get pissed at times because I felt like I was spinning my wheels with him.

I think I have a better understanding why he has done what he has done and why he has stood behind the green door for so long. I do hope I am right because it makes me like him much more because I am not left up to think the worse.

 

The Empty Chair

I was so hoping to have a nice dinner with my kids and James but Ryan didn’t take his meds last night and I saw them today and he took them before I could stop him. Of course he passed out because he has pills for sleeping and so as it goes he fell asleep on the couch and Shelby, James and I had dinner.

The fourth chair sat empty and I avoided looking at that chair because I didn’t want to think about Bob but it was a distraction none the less. This is the second Thanksgiving without Bob and that is a good thing because the second holidays without your spouse is kind of  a landmark for healing.

The first holidays are always the roughest and the second ones you seem to “remember when” and for me it has been easier than the first one for sure. These are mile stones I need before I can move on completely and I am glad I am not in a serious relationship because these are things I need to do myself and for myself.

No one can ever feel what you feel or think what you think and that is exactly why this is my “healing time”. I have to heal myself before I can let myself get seriously involved with anyone. Once I get past this year and the kids birthdays there will only be Bob’s birthday, Shelby’s graduation and our anniversary.

Once I am past those occasions then I will feel much better about getting seriously involved. I would like to meet someone and have a long distant relationship because I would like to know someone slowly. A long distant relationship would give me time to adjust to someone in my life and give both of us a chance to get to know each other while we continued to work on our own lives.

I want to have a lasting relationship and I think working on one slowly gives both people breathing room and not feel pressured. I am not one that is happy to skip down the aisle anytime soon if ever again. I would like to have an open relationship for a while until both of us feel we want to be exclusive.

Re Gift Him

I was telling my gf about this guy I have been seeing and all the presents he has attempted to give me. She said to me that I obviously needed to be slapped because I could take those gifts and sell them or re gift them for xmas. I thought I had a devious mind sometimes well I have got to tell you she has me beat, hands down.

First, I would never think of accepting his gifts but to think of selling them or re gifting them is just way out there for me. I know of people who re gift their kids gifts because the kids get way to much crap and if you have to buy for a lot of family members, well what the hell.

I would never re gift a gift given to me, omg to think of doing that takes some balls and mine just don’t roll that a way. I crack up when I think about it because that is just something that is even beyond me, lol and there is few things that fall in that category. My gf keeps on me to accept these gifts and give them to her, lmao.

Gotta tell ya, a friend like that is worth so much as she is a friggin riot and the two of us drinking is the best damn time I have ever had! Neither of us drink so we get drunk very easily and stupid, let me tell you we are stupid at it’s best and we should have our own stupid slow.