Mixed And Confusing Messages

Life can be so hard especially when your heart is involved and some of us just get so swept into a lost space that we cannot see the crumbled dirt along the pathway. We step into the dirt and get our feet dirty with lies we live and tales we have told. The light is hidden by the dark door of hell and we stay when we should go.

The dark sky keeps the stars from twinkling and the meteors from hitting earth and blowing our world apart. Life can be such a struggle at times and we know not where we are going. Emotions can take us to a place known as purgatory and our hearts can shatter as easily as a crystal vase hitting the marble floor.


Have you thought about that final moment with someone who has stolen your heart? Have you thought of that moment when you turn and walk away and the silence that shadows you as you avoid the cracks in the walkway. Have you thought of how you will feel when you realize that the darkness has set upon your shadow and we is no longer a word in your vocabulary?

Do you wonder what your life will be like without that solemn one next to you, the one that makes you think and question as well as wonder and dream? Do you think you will lose no darkness if you keep that one close to heart? Do you think your sunshine is just fading away and you are ok with that?


If you find that soulmate grab that person and hold them close because life is shorter than we could really ever image. The perfect two will be together no matter what others say or do. We all come together in the time that is meant for us and us alone and there is no changing time, now is there?



The person I project to others is not the person I really am inside but it’s easier to hide behind a smiling face when one is crying inside. My friends know that I am like two people and the real one is always hidden from sight because it is a safer life that way.

People do not realize that those that are laughing and joking are usually the ones that have a tremendous amount of hurt on the inside. To show that to others is to expose the raw and painful part of our lives and people like to use what they can against you.

I am always the one to make others laugh because it helps to keep the pain hidden and to let others know how much I have suffered in my life isn’t something I discuss with others. I can write about it and post it for others to read but they do not know me and I do not have to worry about being slapped in the face with my pain.

If you are the type of individual that will stoop so low that you will use painful information to throw in someone’s face then you fall right in line with kids. Kids are mean and hateful and they can do so much harm to themselves as well as others. I recently had someone use my own pain against me.

He threw in my face the problems my son and I have had and that is really so wrong. I could have said some very mean and hateful things back at him but I limited my hurt and anger. At this point I really do not want to talk to this person again because it shows me a part of this individual that is to ugly.

I put myself out there for myself and if you want to judge me by my life experiences then  you really need to take a damn hard look at your own life. None of us have lived a perfect life and none of us have the right to condemn anyone else for trying to better themselves.

I use my blog as therapy and not to impress or depress others and yes I have left myself open to condemnation. Nobody really knows me and that includes myself but I do know I am a good person that doesn’t get off on hurting others. People see how crazy I can be on the outside but they have no idea how deep the pain has run in my life.

I am not one that wants sympathy, I just want to cleanse my soul of the hurt so I can have healthy relationships with others. I am doing the work necessary to have the second half of my life be happy and fun and I really wonder how many other people face their demons and eliminate them.

I am secure enough to let others read about my life and the ups and downs and I am always open to positive criticism and helpful advice. Taking the time to write about what has been so distressing in my life is a positive step to growing and letting go of what I have harbored for way to long.

If you want to know me then sit down with me and let’s have a chat, a real heart to heart. Don’t assume or presume because you will never know me that way. If what you read tells you I am one really fucked up person then you are a complete ass because all of us have things we do not like about our lives or experiences that have shaped us that we do not share.



So Over It

I have let myself fall in love with someone I will never meet and I have let this person have my heart for numerous years now. Today, is the beginning of my new life as I put this person in a chest and out to the trash. He doesn’t care about me and I woke up realizing this.

I will no longer chat with his numerous aliases, listen to his bullshit about his love for another or wait for him to show me one bit of affection. Today is my 53rd birthday and I do not expect to get even a card from him. This situation has finally come to a screeching halt.

I will no longer give him a minute of my time or day and if he were any kind of man at all he would return what is rightfully mine, but he won’t. Even though I have been saying for months that I am through, today did it for me, I never want to hear from him again as he has ripped out my heart and left a huge gaping hole there.

So go to your girlfriend that you so love and forget you ever had anything to do with me as that is what I am doing with you. Even a friend remembers another friends birthday but you couldn’t even do that one little thing for me, so goodbye, fairwell and go to hell.


When my daughter was thirteen I had to make the decision if she should have the gardisil shot which is supposed to fight cervical cancer. She had the shot which is done in three separate injections and the last one was the one that she passed out and snapped her jaw off her face and split up the center of her chin.

She had to have emergency surgery and I started investigating about immunizations and the compensation for each kind. I was shocked to see that gardasil was already on the list. She ended up getting a thirty thousand dollar settlement that she is going to start getting payments on her birthday.

Immunizations cause so much harm to our children and it could be avoided if the pharmaceutical company’s weren’t so damn greedy. It is so sad to see how many children have been affected by immunizations and how it has damaged them permanently.


Why Me?

To many people ask “why me” when something bad happens to them, they blame God and curse him. Why don’t people say “why not me?” as no one is special or immune from heartache and pain. I never ask “why me” because I am one of those people who already know “why not me.”

I come from divorced parents who trashed myself my brother and sister, she dumped us on our grandparents to raise us, until money became involved (child support). She took us back and beat the shit out of us daily, she left multiple bruises which required wearing long sleeve shirts in 100 degree weather.

Once I grew up I took care of my grandmother until I found her dead in bed. Fast forward to 2002 when both of my in-laws passed away, 2003 my husband lost his leg do to a dr.s error, I dealt with my husband’s clotting disorder and he was constantly going to the hospital. Then my brother was found dead, he was homeless and mentally ill and quite happy.

Then my aunt died of legionnaires disease, then my grandmother from cancer, then my husband passed from leukemia last year and my father passed of colon cancer in January. So “why not me?” has become words I live by as it helps with such great loss and disappointment.

For those cursing God for what they see as a misfortune, I am thanking God for the opportunity to be there for those I loved and who loved me back. The greatest thing you can do for another human being besides loving them is being able to fulfill their last wishes or be there to have their body handled properly.

To me, the body is just a vase to hold the soul of the person and when the person passes on, their soul moves on and leaves an empty vase.  Funerals are for the living, not the dead as they have moved on and are quite happy I am sure and they are looking down on us with smiles.

I have  learned something from every death and it has come in handy to help others. There are so many people that have asked me about funerals. They want to know how to save money if they could, simply the answer is yes, you can rent a casket and you can join the crematory society in your area.

You can actually plan a complete funeral through them for approximately $3600.00 if you want all the bells and whistles and if you are just less than vanilla and just want go through the oven well that’s approx. $700.00. You can also set it up now and prepay, kind of like cash and carry, lol.

My life reads like a mad novel but that’s ok because good is coming to me, happiness is just around the corner even if that corner is two blocks away. I will never give up hope that I will be loved the way I need to be loved and he need the kind of love that I have to offer, I do believe in happily ever after and I am just sitting and waiting for my after to come to me

Smile A Little Smie

It’s hard to smile when your heart is broken but if you never look back and keep moving forward life will change and one day you will meet the one that will make you smile again. A smile says so much as the eyes twinkle and the smile lights up your face like a beacon, a smile can change the world.



How Do I

How do I tell someone how much I love them? Words cannot express the depth my heart feels for you, my arms are not wide enough to hug all of you and I don’t know how to make you feel what I feel. I do not want to hurt you and I do not know what you really feel for me, if anything.

I do not know what to do anymore as you will not come to me so I must walk away from you. My heart can’t take the pain any longer and if you love me, really love me you will let me walk away with what little dignity I have left. I look foolish enough in my own eyes don’t make me look foolish in your eyes or others.

We will not ever be hand in hand so let’s just shake and say so long, let me crawl away and hide, let me just say goodbye. It’s not that I want to hurt you, I just don’t want you to hurt me any longer.

Let Love In

There are so many people who love someone but they are not with that person. They are either married, engaged, involved with someone else. If you love someone you should let them know, you should tell them face to face not a text or email, that is tacky.

I love someone so much but I cannot express that love because he refuses to come to me. He claims to love me so much but will not come to me. It doesn’t make any sense to me and there is absolutely no excuse he can use that I will buy. I do not ask for much in this world and I would think he would want to be with me.

Maybe I’m porno to him, nice to look at and use for jacking off. I know one thing I have waited a long time to be happy with someone and yes I am ready to move on past my husband. I am so ready it almost hurts.

I had someone tell me last night that I wasn’t ready to move on, how in the hell can anyone tell you if you are ready to move on after a death of your spouse? How in the hell would they know what you feel and think? I am ready to have a relationship with someone and that is something I do know for sure.

The one thing I will never forget is how my husband died, it was terrible and I still see the blood on my hands and shirt, damn leukemia is terrible as your blood cells no longer can stay together and you throw up blood and it comes out of your nose until you finally die.

I will never forget that day and the timing was so ironic, he passed away at 2 p.m. which was an hour before the kids got home and enough time to have his body removed from the house. He was in a hospital bed and I called and had them take it out of the house that day.

So you see, after that experience and a year and one half later I am ready to move on, I am ready for a committed relationship and yes I am ready to let someone really love me. I deserve to be loved and so do you, all of us deserve to be loved and shouldn’t wait for love to come to us, instead go grab it with gusto.

My Friend


I have one friend that is special to me, he is there even if he hides. He is there when I need a shoulder to lean on even if the only shoulder is a telephone call. He is special to me and I wish I could let him go because it hurts so much not to be with him at this time. I ask him to leave my life and he will not.

What do I do? Keep loving from a distance or bring someone new into my life? I am trying to bring someone new into my life because my heart cannot take the pain any longer. I will eventually find someone to fill his shoes and I hope it’s sooner than later. I love you babe and you know it, if you love me, why don’t you show it?

Slow down take a break you need to rest and eat better, what do I have to do beat your ass? You  are killing yourself at the pace you are going so slow down and get more rest at least.

Lost Without You

It’s so hard to walk away from someone you love, not out of anger-no there was no fight. It’s just the feeling of helplessness, the it’s never going to be feeling. I do not know if I am giving up to soon and things will turn around and we will be together or if I am dragging my heart behind me looking for a safe place to mend?

I really have no desire to date but I am forcing myself to at least register on the sites. It’s hard when you’re heart isn’t into it and not even a hot looking guy excites you. It’s really a rather sad situation as I have no clue what to do, I love him that much. Am I a fool or a hopeless romantic?