Control

Isn’t it amazing how your emotions can have such control over your behavior? What you think? What you feel? So many people believe in soulmates and they know that when all they can think of is that one person then they have connected with their soulmate. There emotions remind them constantly of that one person that have, can and will change their life forever for the better and even if they are involved with someone else it is just a matter of time before they make that physical connection with their soulmate.

You can never forget your soulmate and you can never get them out of your mind or heart no matter how hard you may try. You may be mean and hateful to the because you do not like the control they have over you and you think your actions will push away that person forever, how stupid are you to think that will work? Nope, that will never work because a soulmate cannot be pushed out or your life because they are permanent and forever there.

So you say but I have a husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend and I love that person so why would I be so attracted to another? It’s because your current relationship has nothing more to offer you, nothing more to teach you and your soulmate is the only one that can help you to continue to grow and learn. You may also say I will never leave my current relationship but we both know that in your heart you want out so badly you can taste it.

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Your soulmate will be with you when the time is right, when you are ready for them and when you will open yourself up to what they have to offer you and only then will you finally be with that one person you are meant to be with. Isn’t it funny how your emotions can lead you to that one person but your lack of maturity will allow you to open yourself to them? You act like an immature little child and your behavior becomes appauling even to yourself but you cannot help yourself, now can you???????

You will always think about that one person and you will always wonder what they feel like, smell like, taste like and you will continue to dream of them, masturbate to the thought of them. Your life will always be incomplete without them by your side and this will forever be the driving force that keeps you doing everything you can to keep connected to them even if it is only by that red string until you can be with them physically.

Control

Do you ever lie in bed and listen to the rain, the birds, your own heart beat? Do you ever ask yourself where your life is headed and what it is that you are to accomplish? Do you ever feel like your life is nothing more than a kaleidoscope of random colors and shapes? Do you ever feel exhausted even though you slept all night or at least thought you slept most of it? Do you ever really know what your purpose in this life is?

Do you believe there is an answer to every question even if you do not believe in the answer? Do you ever feel like the leaf on the branch that captured the shit from a bird? Do you ever feel cleansed of all bad and seek to be only good? Do you ever wonder what it takes to find total inner peace? Do you ever wish the world was square and you could just walk over the edge? Have you ever felt totally happy for years on end?

I have thoughts that I do not understand but I do know they all stem from a deep seated loneliness that festers inside me and I hate this feeling, I really do. My son’s safety weighs heavily on my mind and I have thought about being in the drive when he pulls up and telling him to go in the house leaving me alone with the son of a bitch that has been taking advantage of my son. I have thought about pulling his head back by his hair and pressing a knife to his fucking throat telling him never to contact my son again.

I know that doing this would not serve me well but believe me the thought of this bastard touching my son through manipulation and alcohol infuriates me to no end. I do not think I am the only parent that has such thoughts and I know there are other parents experiencing the same feelings that I am. I know I cannot control my child and he will be on his own eventually but even then I will continue to worry myself sick.

Control

Everyone feels about control differently, some want it, some have to have it, some it is thrust upon and some run from it. Bob ran from it, he didn’t want to know anything about anything that way he would never be accountable. I on the other hand have always been a very single minded strong female and it appears that the men in my life have fed off of that.

I don’t want anymore “pussy’s” in my life, by pussy’s I mean men that feed off of me and that included my husband. I had it going on when I met him, my own home, 2 cars, 2 businesses, full time plus o.t., shit I had the world by the ass and then I did a stupid thing, I put out my ass because it had been a very long time since I had had sex before Bob.

Believe me he wouldn’t have been my first choice but sometimes we have to settle for what is available. I know that makes me sound like a slut but I hadn’t been with anyone for almost a year before we met, no I do not bed hop-I hand hop from right to left and back, I could teach a class on how to pleasure ones self and their partner.

Hell, that sounds like something that could fly in California, a lot of strange birds on that coast. Back to control miss scatter brain…ok…. talking to my self again, control is something that has been forced upon me because of responsibilities from early on. Need a wedding planned? A cake baked? A funeral planned? Gotcha covered, been there and done all of that and more.

I would so love to give up so much control and lighten my load but until the time there is someone who wants to carry that load I am stuck in control mode. People who are into control need to be able to trust someone to pick up the load for them at times as well, even the one who is a control freak likes a break now and then.

Left Unattended

I feel no safety and I feel no love, I feel nothing but pain in my heart and body. You left me unattended, unprotected, vulnerable and easily victimized. You are supposed to protect me, where are you?

I am thankful you cannot see me, you cannot see my bruised and battered body, you cannot see the tears that fall from my heart and eyes. Do you feel my pain? Do you feel my betrayal? Do you feel the wetness of my tears?

You are supposed to be MY angel, you are supposed to love me enough to protect me but you did not, you betrayed me as well. We shall not meet before I die for this I am now certain.

You do not protect me, you did not save me, you were not there when I needed the safety of your arms, you let me get beat and you did nothing for me, you might as well have kicked me too.

This is the end no matter what the song says, it is good-bye, when I needed you the most you weren’t there…….I AM IN CONTROL

Bipolar Bad Ass

I am writing about bipolar disorder because it’s time to celebrate and share how well I am doing. I didn’t talk about it for the longest time because I was so afraid that I would have a major set back but that has yet to happen.

I was doing some really fucked up things when I was ill, I was meeting men that I didn’t know but all I did was smoke some weed with them. One guy wanted me to put on his x wifes fur coat and that was weird so I didn’t do it and made some excuse to leave.

I got scammed out of 23 grand, yes you read it right, 23 thousand dollars because I was so “in love” with a no name no face person on the internet. I was so desperate for love that he got me at the perfect time in my life, when I was weak and vulnerable.

When you are ill you feel so bad about yourself and when someone starts to build you up you grab a hold of them like they are a life saver. You get caught up in the bullshit they lay on you and you start to have feelings for someone you have no clue who the fuck they are.

You forget shit and lose stuff, go on spending sprees and sex sprees, you are very loud and appear disoriented, which you are at times. The mania keeps you up for days and you are wound for sound until the lows hit you with the force of a locomotive.

Depression sucks you down and you have no desire to do a damn thing and when it’s really bad, you do not shower, brush your teeth, hair and you have no desire to take care of your hygiene what so ever. You have no desire to do a damn thing and only do what is absolutely necessary.

You walk through the days without any desires at all and you  care about nothing or anybody, you are just walking dead. The depression makes you feel so down that suicide is the only escape or so you think at the time.

I was going to hang myself, I had the rope hanging from the garage door frame and had the dead man’s noose ready to go and Bob, my husband came home and stopped me. I was so ready to hand myself and I wasn’t thinking twice about it either.

But those days are gone, yes they are behind me and I am well, finally I am feeling great ok maybe not great but pretty damn good about myself. It’s a very hard illness to control and I have been trying to control it since I was diagnosed in 2002.

It’s been ten years of pure hell but I have finally gotten the beast under control and I am aware that I could succumb to the illness again. I keep a strict eye on myself and take my meds, see my dr. and go to counseling.

When you are down you cannot see up and do not believe you will ever feel better again but there is hope even though you may think there is none. If the truth must be known and it must if you are not getting better then you have several options.

First, let your doctor know that the meds aren’t working and if he/she doesn’t change your “cocktail” to your liking by the fourth time then it’s time to change doctors.Do not hesitate to change your doctor or voice your concerns.

For those that prefer holistic meds add marijuana, yes I know we have been programmed to think marijuana is a bad drug. Look at the side effects of all your meds and you will find that marijuana is so much healthier for you as is other naturals.

Smoking weed really does help as it relaxes you and puts you in a euphoric state of mind. Yes, it helps hell it helps a lot and is quite beneficial, I find it to be a “friend’ that cares and helps me unwind and chill out for a while.

My father passed in January and him and I would smoke weed together as we talked and he taught me new things. He was big into holistic medicine and he could control pain like no one I ever knew, he passed at home from colon cancer and I gave him hash laced joints for the pain in the very end days.

My dad was 74 when he passed and he smoked weed his entire life and he didn’t think twice about smoking and he accepted everyone for who they were. My dad’s IQ was off the charts and he created new laws, worked on a secret project for the govt, and he came up with money saving ways for a hamburger chain.

My dad knew I was ill and he tried to help me and keep me focused, he could tell when things were not going good for me and he knew when the mania had taken hold of me. My dad was someone special and I knew him as a man not a father.

He had me try different herbs and such to help me and he loved me even though he never said it. My father and I had no relationship until six years ago and the relationship we had built was special and I miss him so much but he accepted me for who I was, illness and all.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot get better as that is a fucking lie, there are those that get better and I am here to stand up and say “fuck you I am better and you cannot knock me down”. Never give up and let go, never accept what others say.

I am the proverbial bipolar bad ass as I have overcome adversity and I have become one of the few that have gotten that bastard under control. You can never give up or give in because it’s up to you and you alone to take a stand and get help.