Six Behind

Today is one of those days that you dread for about a week prior to it. For me, its exactly six years ago today that my husband passed away. It’s been a strange day in many ways as I have had such a heavy sadness.

For all of us that have suffered the loss of a spouse know the sadness I speak of. For those that have divorced you as well know that feeling. That is if you have finally gotten past the stage of anger and sticking needles into a doll hoping your ex or soon to be x can feel every poke and the pain of the depth of the needle into flesh.

I stayed busy all day but my husband was a frequent visitor to my mind. My son and I spent another active day doing repairs around the house and cleaning. We put down cement patches on the driveway and power washed the back porch. I have to say my son did an awesome job and tomorrow he is coming by to finish it.

After my son went home (he is no longer living at home) I started power washing and one corner of my porch was filled with the shells of thistle. I was literally covered from head to toe and sent the pics to my kids, both got a real good laugh out of it.

As I moved the power washer to wash the dirt towards the drain I had one of those Cheshire cat smiles cross my face. I thought of my husband and how he would of gotten a good laugh out of my appearance as well.

As I thought about him I could see him charming the panties off of the nuns, literally. He was smooth, as smooth as constipation medicine and he never met a single person that didnt like him.

He was a good man, a kind man as well as the biggest asshole I have ever met. As I look back at the almost divorce it would have been so much cheaper to keep him and looked for something on the side.

I talk some shit but the truth is I never would have cheated on him as that just isnt part of my makeup.  I know there are many people who have gotten tired of their worn out relationship.

They find their heads get turned usually for someone younger and then before they know it they are in a full blown affair. The fun lasts about 3-6 months and then things change and for  men that new girlfriend wants much more than you are willing to give. 

She starts pushing and the fun is over so you sit back and decide wish evil to chose. You end up going back home and back to the life you were living but this time there is a bit of underlying hostility from your mate.

You figured that the relationship at home isnt as bad as you thought and you knew it would be better to let that fresh, young thing move onto someone who can provide her with the future she is searching for.

What ends up happening is we settle because its convenient and predictable and we feel safe. Then there is the financials that are easy enough to share on day to day but to give up half of your fortune just isnt going to work.

All of these thoughts going through my mind and I know my husband isnt lonely and I know he tries his best to protect us. I have to say looking back I did respect my husband for most of our marriage but then things went south and I just couldnt recover.

The Pain Burrows

I ran my hand over his cheek and down his neck only to find a chest of skin and bones. The clothing hid the tell tale signs of imminent death along with the odor that death carry’s with it.

The sadness washed over my face and down my body and as he laid there with his eyes closed my body started slowly with the tears. Making their way down my cheeks my tears turned into uncontrollable crying.

My body was racked with the pain of loss which would come within hours. He no longer felt pain as I had given him the morphine required to steal away his physical pain.

He had talked to me earlier but few words were spoken. The pain in his eyes said volumes as we shared our last physical moments together. He and I had a life together, children together, built a house together and shared good as well as bad times.

The memories came and went at their own free will and I was at a loss to stop the invasion. Yes, the memories were invading me when I least expected it or wanted it.

I hated the memories as they brought not just the death of my husband but the death of my grandmother as well. Both were in great pain shortly before they passed and I was there to help them cross over.

Until you walk in the shoes of someone that has been a caretaker for someone taken over by cancer you have no idea how much the days tear at our hearts.

You have no idea how hard it is to watch a loved one slip away, slowly and methodically. You can never wash away our pain and emptiness and you can never even imagine how the pain burrows into our hearts.

Life After Death

When we lose someone we love we lose a part of ourselves as that part of our life dies with the person. It doesn’t matter if your relationship wasn’t that good or if it was great because it seizes to exist with the last breath of that person. We miss the communication with that person and it is so damn hard to open up to someone new.

I have moved on since my husband’s death but there isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think of him. We take the love inside with us and it’s something we never forget. It’s hard to let go of the memories as I walk through this house and I remember so many times we shared together.

The pain was blinding and it engulfed my being because to watch him slowly die made me want to die as well. I cannot stand to see anyone in pain may it be physical or mental and it broke my heart to watch him slowly lose the man that he once was. It doesn’t matter that we were never in love because we had built a life together.

I have been able to get along without him but I have never forgotten the good as well as the bad. I cared for him up to the last minute of his life and it wasn’t easy, not one bit. What do you talk about with the person that is dieing? Do you speak of them leaving you? No, you speak of the good times and you  try to make them laugh as much as possible.

My life will be lived again when I sell this house leaving the memories behind me. It is hard sleeping in the same bedroom even though I have a new bed and it’s hard looking out the sliding glass door and seeing that “Nazi” motherfucker’s house. My husband always called our builder a Nazi motherfucker, lmao.

I want to open my heart to someone new but it is so hard for me to trust anyone because of the scammers and liars I have ran across. One day soon my life will change for the better and the one that I am meant to be with will be standing by my side giving me the love that I need.

Kalamidy Kourt

Another typical day at court except this time the judge was an additional two hours late making it 1:00 p.m. and now my next court date is February 11, 2013.

My boy Scott is filing for a dismissal because I have a right to a “speedy trial” which are very loosely defined. The prosecutor gave Scott some pictures of what I was “stealing”.

The pictures were my dad’s tax documents and is cremains. I want to put my dad to rest and if that bitch did anything with his remains, well let’s just say her “golden years” will turn into “copper years”.

She has no legal rights what so ever and she is a very disgusting person that is lower than an online scammer. We all get what is coming to us eventually, now don’t we?

 

Dynamics

The dynamics of the mind are so complex we cannot even begin to scrape the surface of how evil versus good works in the thought pattern. I do not understand the power of evil over good and how people do the things they do to others. I cannot understand how someone can gain such pleasure from hurting others.

I do not understand the how’s or why’s people become serial killers or killers that can mutilate a body. How can someone have that much hate and anger inside of them? How do we punish the sins of the killer? We kill the killer and I do not know how I really feel about that.

Is killing a killer true justice? To let a killer live is an injustice to the deceased but for us to kill that killer are we not committing the same act? The one thing that is done when someone is being killed in prison is everyone pushes a button. No one knows who is the person that pushed the button of final death.This is one of those subjects that you could talk to death.

The truth is never far from the surface but getting through that tough veneer isn’t so easy. I just do not have the answers to so many questions and I question so much. If you have not lived it, how can you judge it?

 

Human Currency

Children must learn that there is a price to pay for every action, there is a reaction and sometimes actions can be costly, in fact deadly. You cannot taunt the actions of the heart to make the flow of blood possible. You cannot take hundreds of pills and expect to live a normal life ever again.

Once you attempt suicide there is the question of the unknown that hangs like a barren lightbulb from the ceiling. The question of why did I live or why didn’t I die are questions that become beacons in our minds. Questioning will not solve your quest for the answers because if you were meant to known them you already would.

Suicide is a totally lost soul-searching for its home in a land of no man and so many cannot pull themselves back from the edge of total dispair. I fear this is where my son stands and I stand at the edge with him trying to talk him down. I would jump for him if it would help but it won’t so I stand at the edge wondering when.

Some parents don’t want to be bothered but I am the opposite BOTHER ME, please bother me because that is what I am here for. I am here for you and you and you too and never doubt that for a minute. My son is at the hospital and he had the nurse call and leave a message but I am ignoring it.

Live is a baked meringue boat and my son is floating on it as it slowly dissolves into the ocean of lost boys and I am the licorice paddle that is stronger but I to am dissolving, sugar crystal by sugar crystal.  I am the sweet treat that dissolves on your tongue and I am sliding down your throat as I melt.

Party Not

I could be out having a great time tonight but my daughter is home for the weekend and it’s a way for her to transition back into the family. The guy I have started to date is a bit peeved that I set him aside for my daughter who will be 18 in January. He’s a heck of a nice guy but hey my kids come first in my life.

He is choking on this and it bothers him but I told him my kids are all I have and I am all they have and do not try to come before them because it will never happen. My kids don’t have the luxury of having family alive and I am the one they too for  everything.

He is beginning to assume he will see or talk to me every day and that is bugging me, he is moving to fast and showing signs of cracking where my kids are involved. I have no respect for anyone that puts someone they are dating before their kids, our kids were our choice and they should always be paramount in our lives.

I like spending time with my kids and Shelby is tutoring tonight and will be home soon. I enjoy my kids and I really am enjoying watching my daughter turn into a woman. I am so proud of her and can see her doing very well for herself and that is something to be proud of.

Ryan is doing better but he has lost a good friend at school, she no longer will have anything to do with him since his suicide attempt. It has to be so hard for him and he has asked to go to counseling twice a week and of course I have agreed. My kids have issues because of my husband and myself and not to let them work that out is a crime.

 

Why Me?

To many people ask “why me” when something bad happens to them, they blame God and curse him. Why don’t people say “why not me?” as no one is special or immune from heartache and pain. I never ask “why me” because I am one of those people who already know “why not me.”

I come from divorced parents who trashed myself my brother and sister, she dumped us on our grandparents to raise us, until money became involved (child support). She took us back and beat the shit out of us daily, she left multiple bruises which required wearing long sleeve shirts in 100 degree weather.

Once I grew up I took care of my grandmother until I found her dead in bed. Fast forward to 2002 when both of my in-laws passed away, 2003 my husband lost his leg do to a dr.s error, I dealt with my husband’s clotting disorder and he was constantly going to the hospital. Then my brother was found dead, he was homeless and mentally ill and quite happy.

Then my aunt died of legionnaires disease, then my grandmother from cancer, then my husband passed from leukemia last year and my father passed of colon cancer in January. So “why not me?” has become words I live by as it helps with such great loss and disappointment.

For those cursing God for what they see as a misfortune, I am thanking God for the opportunity to be there for those I loved and who loved me back. The greatest thing you can do for another human being besides loving them is being able to fulfill their last wishes or be there to have their body handled properly.

To me, the body is just a vase to hold the soul of the person and when the person passes on, their soul moves on and leaves an empty vase.  Funerals are for the living, not the dead as they have moved on and are quite happy I am sure and they are looking down on us with smiles.

I have  learned something from every death and it has come in handy to help others. There are so many people that have asked me about funerals. They want to know how to save money if they could, simply the answer is yes, you can rent a casket and you can join the crematory society in your area.

You can actually plan a complete funeral through them for approximately $3600.00 if you want all the bells and whistles and if you are just less than vanilla and just want go through the oven well that’s approx. $700.00. You can also set it up now and prepay, kind of like cash and carry, lol.

My life reads like a mad novel but that’s ok because good is coming to me, happiness is just around the corner even if that corner is two blocks away. I will never give up hope that I will be loved the way I need to be loved and he need the kind of love that I have to offer, I do believe in happily ever after and I am just sitting and waiting for my after to come to me

Kick Em

Why are people such users and take advantage of people when they are down? How can people live with themselves stealing from the elderly, sick and people in bad situations? What has happened to this world I once knew?

The night after my son tried to commit suicide I was a total mess, completely scattered and had a difficult time processing things that were going on around me. This guy that was supposed to do work for me, well I found him in my house when I got back from the hospital.

I had forgotten to close and lock the door next to my garage, that door is a separate entrance into my basement. He was in my house stealing and I didn’t even know it, he stole my sons computer, sony headphones, my reader and I do not know what else.

He stole my brand new opera gloves three pairs and my white corset. I am so pissed I could choke him to death. Who is this piece of shit anyway? Someone I thought was going to be a good referral until he never showed up on time, like hours late or he didn’t show up at all-I knew then he had to go.

He’s telling the police we had an agreement, bullshit he says we had a verbal agreement. Ya, we had a verbal agreement that he would give me a written estimate. The guy thought I would pay him 700.00 to install two rooms of carpeting, that isn’t including the carpeting.

If I would have seen the estimate at the beginning I would have blown him off. He isn’t capable of writing up an estimate. The guy has no business sense at all, and then my son tells me the guy makes his living by collecting scrap and selling it.

This guy is suppose to be like a handyman the only think he’s handy for is removing property without consent, it’s called stealing and I’m seeing about getting him for breaking and entering. Why do I always attract the trash of the world?

The bad thing about being bipolar is I keep it together during an emergency and do what needs to be done and then I fall to pieces after the emergency is taken care of. When my son tried to commit suicide I was literally scattered for a week.

I couldn’t think straight or deal with anything else as my son was my primary concern. I was back and forth to the hospital and mentally and physically exhausted. I wasn’t paying attention to items missing and didn’t even know they were missing from the house until yesterday when I brought Ryan home.

This is not going to be something I let go, no way I am going to get this jerk prosecuted and if he doesn’t return everything I will see that he burns and sits in jail for a while. I do not care anymore he screwed me so it’s time for me to drill him.

Fight The Good Fight

As most of you know, I have spent the last six years burying my entire family. My brother was mentally ill and lived on the street by his own choice. He was found dead in a vestibule, he passed away from complications of diabetes and my grandmother entrusted my sister with money to bury him back in 90′ before she died.

My sister took the money and put it in her 401k and refused to give it to me to bury my brother, I was finally able to $900.00 from her to pay for my brother’s cremation. My mother or sister lifted a finger to get my brother cremated and my mother didn’t even pick up my brother’s ashes, I did and I set his soul free in Lake Erie, actually my husband did it for me because I couldn’t. As his ashes were released I prayed to God and thanked God for giving me the opportunity to  release my brother from his personal hell, as I saw it.

Even though he was homeless, there was a memorial for him and the church was half full, my brother was a wonderful person but his illness kept us apart because I needed to protect my children as my brother could get violent. I miss him every day but he is at peace finally and that gives me peace.

 The following year I flew to Florida to bring my grandmother home from the nursing home my sister placed her in. She was abused terribly in that facility and the Dr. told me she had three months to live. I had her transferred to a hospital to care for her wounds and she was sent home. 

I got my grandmother back into her own home and her last words were ” I am home”, she died the next morning as I sat next to her looking at the catheter fill with blood and I knew it would be momentarily before her demise. I was alone with her and it was so damn painful but rewarding.

How can it be rewarding to be with someone when they die? I was given the opportunity to get her home where she wanted to pass away, that was rewarding as I was given the work of granting her final wish and I thank God everyday that I was able to answer that wish.

My aunt died the next year of Legionnaires disease, the year after that my husband died of leukemia and this year my dad died of colon cancer. I was involved in putting them all to rest except my aunt, who was my best friend and she knew more about my life than my own mother.

I can remember when I caught crabs from work and stayed up all night talking to my aunt because I was so grossed out and the stores were closed. My aunt knew about my rape and pregnancy and the infection that almost took my womb from the abortion, my aunt was my rock, my touch stone. 

She loved me unconditionally when no one else did and she was always there for me. I have been fortunate to have these wonderful people in my life and I have tried to show my love through helping them in the end. Burying your entire family makes life fall into perspective.

Money no longer rules my life, nor fancy cars, clothes, home ect. I have enough to make it, barely but I make it. God stepped in and didn’t let me son die and that is a gift all in itself. I am not bragging that I was there for them as that was my duty, my gift to them and God worked through me and I am thankful I was and am his instrument.

I am not strong, I am not special but I have the gift of being God’s instrument and I am thankful that I have been able to be there for them. I do not feel sorry for myself but I do get overwhelmed and depressed at times but like I said I am not special I am just instrument of my God.

It isn’t strength that keeps me going, no it is God and I am not religious but deeply spiritual. I am a giver, a doer and see projects through. I am reliable, dependable, honest, straight forward and love my friends as my family because they are my family now. I do not discuss my problems in depth with my friends as they have enough problems and do not need mine.

God has someone special in mind for me and I know who he is, we just haven’t met yet. We have work to do but it isn’t time yet for us to move forward. I am not unloved, I just do not have physical love and that is needed desperately as all of us need love and a hug when the chips are down.

I no longer wait for the one that has my heart and in fact I have let go of that “relationship” and we will meet one day. It may not be on earth but one day we will meet. Giving is what I do best and it makes me vulnerable and easily used but I know what I do for others is what I am supposed to be doing and if it comes back to bite me like it usually does, I learn something new each time.

People and things come to us when they are supposed to and not a day sooner and I wish for love and my wish will come true one day but until then, I will continue doing what I do best, rescuing others and hopefully I will not bury either of my children before I die. I do not fear death nor relish it but accept it as part of life.

Death is regeneration and everything and everyone meets their demise eventually, life is a complete circle and no you do not get to opt out of any part that you may find unsavory. All of us have our own demons to slay and we are not perfect and are quite imperfect but what I do know is, if you have a good heart God will bring you inner peace in time.

I’m waiting for my time and continue to be God’s instrument of love-