The Chase Has Ended

I recently realized that chasing someone is a complete waste of time and does nothing for the self-esteem. If you really care for someone you let them know and if they show you nothing in return you know where you stand. It has taken me almost four years to finally wake up.

I am very awake now and have given all I have to let him know how I feel but he shows me nothing. My birthday was Friday and he didn’t even call me so I am done. I was fortunate enough to have run into someone who night and we had a fantastic time and have had a good time since.

The guy that I am spending my time with now is someone who I enjoy talking to and we seem to blend very well together. He just ended his marriage in a divorce and my husband died last year so both of us are free. He isn’t American and that makes me very happy because foreign men are quite different and more of a gentleman.

He made me a wonderful dinner tonight until the dreaded phone call came, his mother had a heart attack and he had to go to the hospital and I felt so bad for him. I offered to come with him but I explained that it really wasn’t my place but if he wanted I would go with him. We decided it would be best if he went alone but he has called me several times letting me know how she is doing.

That is very thoughtful of him and I think he just needed someone to talk to and I listened. I like him and enjoy our time together and I am just taking it a day at a time. I am in no hurry to be in a committed relationship and we have discussed this but I feel like he is moving to fast for me.

I haven’t smiled or laughed this much in years and it is about time and he makes me feel good about myself. He has started to call me a nickname and we just went out for the first time Friday. He is very affectionate in his manner and he is always holding my hand or has his arm around me and he hasn’t tried to jump my bones as of yet.

He does all the things a real gentleman does and he is always asking if I would like this or that and I always say no which is bothering him. He doesn’t understand why I do not want his gifts and he feels insulted because I have refused to take them from him. I cannot get through to him that I do not want or need his presents, I just want to spend time with him and enjoy our time together.

He seems to think he must buy me things and that isn’t me and he seems to think that is really strange. He told me he has done this with every woman he has ever been with. I have explained to him that a gift isn’t going to change the way I feel about him and it surely will not make me love him.

He says I am very different from any woman he has ever dated and he didn’t understand me and has never had any woman ever turn down his gifts. I told him I am not like other women and I would appreciate if he would respect that and just accept me for me and not compare me to other women, hopefully he will stop the comparison and appreciate me for me.

Why?

I don’t know how I got to be in the place I am at but I put everyone before myself and have since I was a young child. I do for others and not myself and my kids are always put before myself. I do not feel responsible that my husband died and left the kids fatherless and I do not try to make up for him departing.

I have been taking care of myself since I was eight years old and I have been responsible for taking care of various family members since I was twenty. I do not know where I am supposed to be in my life and I do not know why I feel so damn responsible for everyone’s happiness but my own.

I wonder how much unhappiness I have brought into my children’s lives by being there for others and sometimes not them. I have tried to be a good mother but I do not know if I have succeeded or not. Sometimes I feel like a huge failure in that area of my life but I think most mother’s feel that way occasionally.

I am such a giver and I wonder if that is because I am so desperate for love and acceptance that by giving even to scammers that I feel some amount of acceptance and love even though I know they do not even like me one bit, just what I could give them. It’s hard to look at ourselves realistically and try to put our behavior into focus and judge it appropriately.

I know it’s my job to make myself happy and to love myself first and by loving myself first is the key to loving others. I am so full of love but the one I love doesn’t appear to love me but I do not know how to let go of the emotions I have for this person. I am so confused about where I belong and what I should be feeling.

My birthday is next week and I should be happy but I am not because I know it will be just another day and no one will even recognize it, not even my kids. It’s just another day that I will be very sad and depressed and I will try to cover up my disappointment by ignoring the day all together.

I have been told that someone wants to get me a surprise but I do not believe that there will be any surprise and the only thing I want is just a couple of hours with the person I love but that isn’t going to happen and I already know it. Material things don’t make me happy and all I want is to be hugged.

Let Me Love You

I used to hate myself, yes I did as so many others do. It falls under low self-esteem and that is where the self-hatred hides itself. You  loathe who you are and your illness, you loathe people around you and your family, you loathe yourself.

Self hatred can destroy a person and you do not dream or have wishes, you do not look forward to anything and you look in the mirror and want to scream. Hating who you are is a very difficult place to remove yourself from but can be done.

I have learned to love myself and I have done it by letting someone else actually “love” me, yes when you allow someone else to love your life changes. How could this be you may ask and my answer is this: someone who loves you shows you the way to happiness.

Letting someone actually love you changes your outlook on life and yourself, everything becomes colorful and wonderful, life becomes exciting and fun. You have to learn to love yourself and spending time with someone who loves you.

Love is a wonderful and when you are loved by someone they take notice of all your good points and they tell you and show you. Love is a healer as love can build you back up and make you feel good about yourself but you do not need to be loved by another to love yourself.

I have accepted who I am and I’m ok with who I am, I do not need anyone to accept me as I have accepted myself and that is fucking awesome. Yes, I love me and I have let me love me and no one can knock me down again.

You cannot let others rain on your parade, you have to take a stand and not let anyone say things to you that may tear you down. No, you walk away from that shit and remind yourself that you are special just like everyone else and no one can hurt you.

You have to remind yourself that you are invincible and you control your destiny to a certain degree. You cannot let yourself pull yourself down and under into the darkness. No one is ugly and useless, no one should ever hate who they are as we are all special, yes even you.