As most of you know, I have spent the last six years burying my entire family. My brother was mentally ill and lived on the street by his own choice. He was found dead in a vestibule, he passed away from complications of diabetes and my grandmother entrusted my sister with money to bury him back in 90′ before she died.
My sister took the money and put it in her 401k and refused to give it to me to bury my brother, I was finally able to $900.00 from her to pay for my brother’s cremation. My mother or sister lifted a finger to get my brother cremated and my mother didn’t even pick up my brother’s ashes, I did and I set his soul free in Lake Erie, actually my husband did it for me because I couldn’t. As his ashes were released I prayed to God and thanked God for giving me the opportunity to release my brother from his personal hell, as I saw it.
Even though he was homeless, there was a memorial for him and the church was half full, my brother was a wonderful person but his illness kept us apart because I needed to protect my children as my brother could get violent. I miss him every day but he is at peace finally and that gives me peace.
The following year I flew to Florida to bring my grandmother home from the nursing home my sister placed her in. She was abused terribly in that facility and the Dr. told me she had three months to live. I had her transferred to a hospital to care for her wounds and she was sent home.
I got my grandmother back into her own home and her last words were ” I am home”, she died the next morning as I sat next to her looking at the catheter fill with blood and I knew it would be momentarily before her demise. I was alone with her and it was so damn painful but rewarding.
How can it be rewarding to be with someone when they die? I was given the opportunity to get her home where she wanted to pass away, that was rewarding as I was given the work of granting her final wish and I thank God everyday that I was able to answer that wish.
My aunt died the next year of Legionnaires disease, the year after that my husband died of leukemia and this year my dad died of colon cancer. I was involved in putting them all to rest except my aunt, who was my best friend and she knew more about my life than my own mother.
I can remember when I caught crabs from work and stayed up all night talking to my aunt because I was so grossed out and the stores were closed. My aunt knew about my rape and pregnancy and the infection that almost took my womb from the abortion, my aunt was my rock, my touch stone.
She loved me unconditionally when no one else did and she was always there for me. I have been fortunate to have these wonderful people in my life and I have tried to show my love through helping them in the end. Burying your entire family makes life fall into perspective.
Money no longer rules my life, nor fancy cars, clothes, home ect. I have enough to make it, barely but I make it. God stepped in and didn’t let me son die and that is a gift all in itself. I am not bragging that I was there for them as that was my duty, my gift to them and God worked through me and I am thankful I was and am his instrument.
I am not strong, I am not special but I have the gift of being God’s instrument and I am thankful that I have been able to be there for them. I do not feel sorry for myself but I do get overwhelmed and depressed at times but like I said I am not special I am just instrument of my God.
It isn’t strength that keeps me going, no it is God and I am not religious but deeply spiritual. I am a giver, a doer and see projects through. I am reliable, dependable, honest, straight forward and love my friends as my family because they are my family now. I do not discuss my problems in depth with my friends as they have enough problems and do not need mine.
God has someone special in mind for me and I know who he is, we just haven’t met yet. We have work to do but it isn’t time yet for us to move forward. I am not unloved, I just do not have physical love and that is needed desperately as all of us need love and a hug when the chips are down.
I no longer wait for the one that has my heart and in fact I have let go of that “relationship” and we will meet one day. It may not be on earth but one day we will meet. Giving is what I do best and it makes me vulnerable and easily used but I know what I do for others is what I am supposed to be doing and if it comes back to bite me like it usually does, I learn something new each time.
People and things come to us when they are supposed to and not a day sooner and I wish for love and my wish will come true one day but until then, I will continue doing what I do best, rescuing others and hopefully I will not bury either of my children before I die. I do not fear death nor relish it but accept it as part of life.
Death is regeneration and everything and everyone meets their demise eventually, life is a complete circle and no you do not get to opt out of any part that you may find unsavory. All of us have our own demons to slay and we are not perfect and are quite imperfect but what I do know is, if you have a good heart God will bring you inner peace in time.
I’m waiting for my time and continue to be God’s instrument of love-