Negative Back Feed

People can be so mean and hateful and when you blog you are doing it for yourself. Some blog to make money, release feelings and emotions, settle problems in their own mind and numerous other reasons. You should never get hurtful back feed you should only get positive feedback.

I was reading a post and the comment made was one that made me want to slap someone. I wanted to reach right through the computer and slap the person that made such a comment. The blogger is dealing with a mental illness and the “commenter” was saying how much he hated people with a certain mental illness.

People with mental illness fight everyday to make it through and it is difficult when you do not have positive around you. Mental illness is so ignored  anymore and thrown to the wayside. Mental illness can be controlled under the right circumstances with the right medicine.

I have bipolar disorder as does my 15 yr old son. I am happy to say I am quite stable and doing fine mentally. My son on the other hand is going through what I went through trying to find the right “cocktail” of meds. Mental illness is usually treated with several different meds and you have got to take your meds.

I hate taking meds but I do it daily to keep the abyss from swallowing me whole. The more I trust myself the better off I have been and the meds help with that. I am making good decisions and thinking of myself for a change. I no longer fall for stupid lines from men or are manipulated by them.

I see my future clearly these days and who will be in it and who won’t, sometimes you just have to cut someone lose if they are giving you what you need emotionally. That is where I am at and I am doing a good job at it to. I have reached the limit of no return and it’s about time I take control of my life.

So Sleepy

I think I fell asleep around 4:30 this morning and I know I was crying because my pillow was wet this morning. I have no answers nor does cps when it comes to Ry. They understand that there are no answers but I noticed Ry pulled this crap on the night Shelby came over.

I have to stay firm and not take Ry back for quite some time because he is killing me slowly. I refuse to wear the cloak of the failing mother because I didn’t fail, the world failed me and my son. I am holding back the tears but the damn is going to break and I am afraid I will wash away with it.

What does he want from me? Why can’t he be at least a little happy? Why can’t I be happy? Is there happiness in this world or is it all a lie we live and tell ourselves. I have no one to love me but I am not trying to kill myself, what can I do? What can cps do? What can anyone do?

It’s so damn hard to watch your child live in a self imposed exile from the world but I cannot change his reality or his fantasies. As far as “him”, I have changed my mind and will not expose his true identity because I want him to go away and just cutting him out of my life is best.

He could sue me but that wouldn’t look to good on his behalf but knowing the con he is he would blame my bipolar disorder and he would say I am crazy instead of being a man and standing up to what he does. He is nothing but a fuck that I do not want to know ever and I have no desire to know even a bit of him.

Foot

I am broke as usual but I have milk and bread! That makes it a good day around here and I am trying to block my son out but he and I have an unseen connection, we do communicate telepathically, ya I know I’m crazy and you are right, certifiable bipolar disorder, thank you very much.

You should be scared, very scared because I cannot be held accountable for anything I say or do because of my mental illness, so go ahead fuck with me, I have bodies in my backyard, want to join them?

I am so sick of people trying to take advantage of me and succeeding, like that bastard that stole over 4 grand of items from my home and of course the cops won’t do shit. There are gangs that will do anything for a Ulysses spot and shit can happen you bastard.

I’m not allowed to own a gun and wouldn’t anyway cause guns become dangerous in the hand of man and my luck I would shoot myself in the damn foot. I put my foot in my mouth enough as it is but I don’t want to shoot it off.

Backbone

The hardest thing in the world to do is to turn your back on your child, especially when they suffer from bipolar disorder. I have no choice but to walk away from my son and it is ripping out my heart. He attempted suicide Oct 1 and was talking the same stuff at 3 a.m. I have done all I can do and now it’s up to cps.

I will be charged with neglect and the state will put him in a facility or in foster care. For a mother to have do this is so very hard. I have no more choices and it is has come down to be getting a backbone and walking away at this point. I cannot let my child destroy me and himself so I have been given no alternative.

The hospital keeps calling and I refuse to pick up the phone because they want me to take responsibility financially and it’s not happening. CPS knows I have done all I can do for him and it gives me no pleasure to have to be so cold to my child. The problem with being a mother is doing what is best and not feeling guilt.

I feel so bad that I have had to do this to my child but it is for his best no matter how it hurts me. I talked to “C” about the situation and I think I could hear a sigh of relief in his voice. Maybe I am imagining it but I have no doubt that having my son out of the way is what he would like.

When you feel like someone is glad to have your kids out of the way there becomes these undertones of disgust that you feel. I also feel a sense of betrayal from him because I thought he would have common sense to accept my kids but I am starting to think differently.

Party Not

I could be out having a great time tonight but my daughter is home for the weekend and it’s a way for her to transition back into the family. The guy I have started to date is a bit peeved that I set him aside for my daughter who will be 18 in January. He’s a heck of a nice guy but hey my kids come first in my life.

He is choking on this and it bothers him but I told him my kids are all I have and I am all they have and do not try to come before them because it will never happen. My kids don’t have the luxury of having family alive and I am the one they too for  everything.

He is beginning to assume he will see or talk to me every day and that is bugging me, he is moving to fast and showing signs of cracking where my kids are involved. I have no respect for anyone that puts someone they are dating before their kids, our kids were our choice and they should always be paramount in our lives.

I like spending time with my kids and Shelby is tutoring tonight and will be home soon. I enjoy my kids and I really am enjoying watching my daughter turn into a woman. I am so proud of her and can see her doing very well for herself and that is something to be proud of.

Ryan is doing better but he has lost a good friend at school, she no longer will have anything to do with him since his suicide attempt. It has to be so hard for him and he has asked to go to counseling twice a week and of course I have agreed. My kids have issues because of my husband and myself and not to let them work that out is a crime.

 

Where Is The Laughter

It’s so quiet around the house and there is no laughter, Ry made me laugh and I miss him so much. He will possibly be transferred to another mental health facility for possibly up to ten days. If I refuse to pick him up from the hospital he will be going to a shelter and I cannot let that happen.

I’m so afraid to bring him home and he may try suicide again so I do not know what to do, I just cannot let my child go into a shelter until they can find him a home and if they did find him a home I am afraid that he will kill himself. I want my baby home and this is so hard for me.

This is the time I need “him” I wish he were here to hold me and make me feel something besides sadness, I am a good mom but sometimes I feel like a huge failure. So where has all the laughter gone? Will it ever return to my life? Am I ever going to be with the one I love or is that a pipe dream?

I’m pretty much stuck until after Christmas as I have a court date the end of this month and the end of December to wipe my record clean. Then I will have my life back finally and I can breathe slightly.

Bipolar Shadow

Bipolar Shadow

I live with bipolar disorder as do so many others but I am one of the fortunate ones as I have it under control finally. I have learned to not tell anyone that I may get involved with about the illness as I have found that I am judged immediately.

I prefer total honesty but that cannot be when you are wanting to be involved with someone. People frown upon mental illness and just the word drives people away so fast. You are not judged fairly and you already have one major strike against you.

I look back on my actions and how my own husband treated me and I can say he made things so much worse for me then needed to be. Playing mind games with someone who is ill is not helpful one bit even if you think it is and you are trying to control the person.

I used to talk very loud and my moods would swing like crazy and I would be happy one minute and mean and hateful the next. I could stay up for days and found myself having conversations with no one, I tried to talk to Bob but he never would listen.

He would hide my cell and my keys and tell me I misplaced them, he would steal my phone when I was sleeping and I caught him once. That is when I realized I wasn’t a nut job but he was doing everything possible to make me think that.

He didn’t want me on the phone talking to strange men or meeting strange men, he wanted to control my every waking moment and he would have like to control my dreams as well. He seriously thought he was helping me when he was obviously making me sicker.

You cannot control a bipolar person, no that is why they have doctors and take meds. Bob was never the great intelligent type to begin with but he could have called my dr. but he chose to move things, steal things and lie to me and make me feel like I was going crazy.

I now have this illness under control but I still have the bipolar shadow that will always follow me, the stereotype that follows the illness as well as knowing that it hides in the shadows just waiting for a moment to sneak out again.

When you finally get control of the “dragon” you always have to remember that it lurks in the dark waiting for it’s great escape. When you accept the fact that you must pay attention to yourself so much more closely than the average person then you are doing damn good.

Meds are mandatory, no if’s and’s or but’s and keeping dr. appointments is paramount as well. As long as you follow protocol things go well when you finally have your “cocktail” of meds right. People must realize that causing stress for someone with bipolar is not a good thing for them. 

You can so easily be pushed over the edge and anyone that does that is really selfish. I am constantly reminding myself that my illness is in the shadows and it is up to me and me alone to keep it there. I am happy and healthy and that is all I can ask.

I am not overly happy just happy enough to enjoy the little things life has to offer but it would be so nice to have someone to share these moments with. Maybe, maybe one day I will find the love that I want but until that day I keep moving on with a positive attitude.