Drug Experimentation

When I was in high school I tried pot, mescaline, thc and drinking but none of it impressed me enough to want to do it again. When I reached my late teens and early twenties I smoked pot occasionally and did quite a bit of cocaine. cocaine became my drug of choice and my emotional pain killer and I spent a ton of cash on it because it made me feel good and I was always chasing that initial high never being able to catch it again.

I haven’t done any hard drugs in decades but still smoke a joint now and then and yes I have a medical marijuana card which makes me legal. My children on the other hand are quite different when it comes to drugs as Shelby has never tried anything including smoking cigarettes but Ry well he has smoked pot and done other drugs and he came to me this morning telling me he did a hit of acid last night because he wanted to know what it was like.

I didn’t get mad, didn’t yell or tell him I was disappointed in him because kids will experiment and I was no different. I listened to him as he told me how it made him feel and I asked him if he would do it again and he said no. I said to him “liar” and he smiled and said he wouldn’t do it again. It doesn’t do a damn bit of good to yell at our kids and listening is what they need.

I am scared for my son because today’s drugs are laced with so much shit and they are very dangerous. Being honest with our kids and being there for them to talk to on their own terms is so important and I have a good enough relationship with the kids that they tell me things most kids won’t talk to their parents about. When you don’t go hay nonnie crazy on your kids they begin to trust you and tell you things that they normally wouldn’t.

Ry is growing so much this year and last night he asked a girl to Homecoming and he told me about it this morning. I am so happy for him because the girl said yes and it’s tough for a boy to ask out a girl for fear of rejection but my son asked and yes they are going. These are monumental steps for my son and I support him as much as I can and he confides in me, can you say the same thing?

Counselor My Ass

I’ve been seeing Barb my counselor for the past few months, I think it’s time for us to part as she has a thing about me smoking weed. She also started riding my ass about my dress-to much clevice and she thinks I should wear a bra. I do not think my dress is inappropriate but evidently she does.

I think she fails to realize I am paying her and she isn’t paying me, I personally don’t care what she thinks because I have a medical marijuana card and my shrink even agreed she rather me smoke a joint than take about a dozen pills a day. She says it makes me look like some kind of addict.

I am trying to get in and see this other therapist who is a no bull no-nonsense therapist. She tells you like it is so I have heard from another patient. I need someone to slap me in the face with reality and she may be the one that does. This thing with Ryan has got me so messed up, I mean I actually could not have lived if my son had died.

The grief would have been too much as the coincidences and reminders of how his dad died have all come to the surface and it’s like deja vu but in my case it happened. To see  my son intibated like his father was, was such a vivid reminder that I actually looked at Ryan and saw Bob momentarily.

You won’t believe this but when I was at the hospital sitting next to Ryan looking at the tube down his throat and the iv’s, the heart monitor and I started to cry. I felt a hand on my shoulder but didn’t turn around and the voice said, “Kim our boy is going to be alright”.

It was my husband’s voice and it was so comforting and caring, when I lifted my head to look there was no one there. I felt a calm come over me and I knew that Ryan would be fine. My fears were all gone and I felt such a weight off my shoulders.

Once again, I have to take the medical profession by the horns and find a different counselor. Nothing against Barb, but we are no longer a fit and I have outgrown her. So many people stop counseling when they don’t like the counselor, they should look for another counselor.

People say counseling doesn’t work, yes it does you just have to click with your counselor and that isn’t easy for anyone to do. Yes, you can out grow your counselor and it’s time to move on and find someone else so you can start dealing with all the crap in the next phase of your counseling.