What hurts your heart? What tears you up inside? How does it make you feel? How do you take each step to get through the day if you are really upset? I do not know myself but I can tell you I am feeling every question without any answer. I do not know how I feel about anyone or anything and I had such direction at one time.
Now I feel lost and uncertain, I feel standoffs and I also feel abandoned which I should be able to accept with no problem as I was abandoned at the age of three. I have secretly believed in someone for so long but now I am realizing I have gained very little from this “union in my mind”.
I don’t feel anger or resentment in fact I feel nothing for which I am glad. It may be the full moon affecting me but I guess one good thing is any decisions I make during this time will be final and in cement. So, you see it’s fine and I will be ok and of course I will miss him but I will get on just fine, thank you.
It’s not that I have strength, no I just happen to choose to deal with most situations logically instead of letting my emotions take over. My emotions can drown me so I steer away from them as much as I can and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. Life can be funny sometimes in not a funny way but hey the bitter with the sweet, always the bitter with the sweet.
Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does anything I say have any affect on you? Who am I meant to be? What am I meant to do? Who am I meant to love? Where am I meant to be? These questions are troublesome as I cannot answer any of them and I am supposed to be so strong and intelligent.
I have kind of just drifted around for the past four years, not knowing who I am or who I want to be. I am sure I am not the only person that feels this way. I need a new challenge as life is stale and moldy, I need something exciting and invigorating if anything like that exists.
I was just thinking that I live better than a lot of people and a lot of people live much better than I do but I am complete as far as material shit. I really want for nothing but I can tell you I have a deeply restless soul that wants to fly like a bird to the place I dream of changing one day.
I don’t focus on that dream because I am not in the right place yet to make my dream come true. Most women have the dream of getting married but I have been there and done that and no, it wasn’t all it was cut out to be but I do have a motto that I will try anything once.
I have a little over two more years to go before my son will be off in college and I will be totally alone and yes I am going to be loving it. I have realized that I do have a purpose and yes I will fulfill my purpose in a matter of time, time heals all wounds and brings good things as well.
Being Bipolar is a constant battle to stay positive and my emotions go up and down like a roller coaster anyway as my body has a connection with the moon as does yours. I notice that during a full moon I get depressed for several days and my friends know when there is a full moon on the horizon by the way I act.
It’s nothing a pill can cure or change, no it has nothing to do with chemical imbalance, it has to do with the gravitational pull and the effects the moon has on ebb and flow. It’s a good thing I no longer have a period as well, damn that would not be a good combination for someone, lol sorry guys.
I like to lean towards the positive when I can and have laughter in my heart. I like to get silly and stupid ass shit, just like a kid, that’s me and I will never grow up as to grow up is to grow old and I am not old. The kids across the street and I were playing the other day with the scarecrow and the pumpkins.
We rolled around in the leaves we raked up and I had leaves all through my hair but we had fun and laughing with the kids reminded of when mine were little and the fun we had. I love acting like a kid and laughing and being silly, it makes life worth living.
I try to fool myself into thinking that I have it together but the truth is I am so fucking scattered I do not know which direction to go any longer. If it isn’t one tragedy it’s another, it’s as if there is a black cloud over my head and I cannot lose it. I hate to say this, hell no I don’t I am looking forward to my son graduating and going off to college.
These kids have put me through hell and so has my family as they chose to drop like flys the last six years. I already know the next several years are going to be a bitch as Saturn is in my sign and sign is a teaching planet. When saturn affects you shit always goes bad so you can learn from it, aren’t I the lucky one.
It’s ok because I am getting prepared for my new life without my kids and frankly I am looking forward to it. I am a good mom but I can tell you to do over again, nope – I don’t like kids that much. I get along with them good but they are so emotionally draining I am worn out. I haven’t had any time to myself to process my husband’s or father’s deaths and I really need a break.
I’m thinking about taking a little vacation maybe Thanksgiving, it all depends on what is going on with Ry. What I would give for a week on a sandy beach and peace and quiet. What I would give for a nice bottle of wine and holding hands with someone in the evening breeze.
I looked up into the sky the other evening and I saw it all, the stars shining down the love of heaven and all the goodness God possesses. I saw it in the heavens, my future happiness heading my way. I saw myself smiling, happy and loved-finally feeling whole and unique once again.
The moon was full and bright and I saw his beautiful blue eyes and his alluring smile, the brightness in his face. My greatest love of all, one day, someway, somewhere sometime maybe not on earth but definitely heaven. Silly man is he as he reads into paragraphs words that are not there.
His heart begins to ache and he lashes out to hurt me because he is hurt and feeling rejected. Foolish man has no faith in my love and devotion, committment and respect. Blind man cannot see what he has in me and no doubt never will. I lie naked and surrendered to him yet he does not see it or have faith in me.
God gave me one important thing and that is my word, my word is my bond and I live by it. I do not cheat as I am not a child that must sneak around and lie, not happy? pack it and move on don’t cheat as that hurts everyone not just you. Lie? why lie, once again I am an adult and liars lie out of fear and I have nothing to fear.
Wish this man harm? LOL now that is really rewarding isn’t it? Real productive and helpful. I sent him love and happiness and wish him best, him his new wife and daughter. I wish them health and happiness as what I send out comes back to me and hate and anger I do not need any of.
It is a perfect time for my mystery man to meet me, yes it is indeed! Venus is in Cancer and Mars is in Scorpio, this equals a perfect time for two people to meet. There comes a time when you either have to dump or get off the pot so bucko, get off the pot.
I am a very desirable woman that is filled with love and you know it so if you keep waiting for the train, you are going to be waiting for it alone. I know you are getting a break for the holidays so be a bigger man than I am woman and come meet me.
I will be in Jackson of course and you just bring your sweet little tushie to me and let’s have a grown up talk, I know that is asking a lot to actually face me and communicate but it’s a new concept you might want to try out just for shits and giggles.
I know, I have actually said the boo word and scared your 45 year old butt into submission, now haven’t I? Come on I see you smiling because you know I am talking to you, ya you so get rid of that dumb look on your face and get your finger out of your rectum.
It doesn’t get any better than me, lmao now you know that I am the hottest, prettiest, sexiest, intelligent female you have ever seen. You cannot keep your mind off me or off my pictures can you? See, I know what your dirty little mind is thinking, o yes I know only to well.
How would I know what is on your mind? Hon would you even dare to ask such a foolish question? Well, truth be known I am thinking the same thoughts you are, o yes I am. Come on impress me, please impress me will you? Come and visit me, now that would be so impressive.
I looked at the moon
And thought of
Were you looking
At the same
Thinking of me
Will you ever
Hold me in your
Or will someone else
Get me with their
You are willing to
Let me get
Deny you love
Go ahead and
But we both
That is your biggest
You cannot breathe without
So why not
Are you aware tomorrow nights full moon is a blue moon? A blue moon is a second moon in a month, which makes thirteen moons a year, which happens every couple of years. Read more about it at blue-moon-august-31-2012.
You may find the reading interesting and you may not but I certainly believe in the power of the moon and if you want to see the moon anytime let me know and I will drop them and bend over for you to kiss it, lmao.
How do you know
That I am thinking of
Feel that slight touch to your
See that random butterfly
See the momma
Goose with her
That’s how you
I am thinking of
I am the
That opens up
I am the clouds that
Part for the sun
I am the nature surrounded
By your touch
I am the one
That loves you that