I enjoy the feel of a soft wind on my cheeks when the sun is beating down and turning my face a natural pink. There is no sun and there is no wind and my heart is wiping my tears as I read the text from James:
“Mom, can you please call Ryan or let him call you he is crying” I cannot call him I cannot let him touch me-I have to guard my heart as I am hurting so much the pain is terrible. I want to drown out the silence of his voice, I want to block his image from my mind, I want to close and bolt the door, God give me the strength I need now-
The saying “I am your rock” is commonly used but I prefer to think of myself as a piece of coal. Coal is natural, it is fuel and with enough pressure it becomes a diamond. I am a diamond and part of me is still “in the rough” but will become brilliant in time. Only a person that can see depth can see the real me.
There is so much of myself I have not let others see for fear of what they might think or use against me. I have learned I can never trust anyone fully and that has kept a part of myself hidden in the dark behind the door in the back of the house. Trust is so hard to give to others because we learn early that trust is broken easily.
I have no one I can trust even a little because people are users and that is today’s society. It’s sad that I cannot open up to anyone or let anyone in. Letting people know the real person I am is only going to end up with me being hurt again and again. I am not the only one to feel such loss and disappointment in the people of this time.
I expect a lot from people because I expect so much of myself and I am driven to succeed at whatever I have approached. I am head strong and determined and I expect that from others but it never happens. People are lazy and want everything to come to them easily.
Nothing comes easy for me, not a damn thing and I have learned so much which makes me a jack of all trades and master of none which doesn’t make my life fun or exciting. When I make up my mind, really make up my mind I can do anything and that is one thing that is quite admirable, or so I think so.
He’s got me treading water in the middle of the lake, will he come and save me or let me drown? Where is he when I need him the most? No where to be found so how long should I continue to tread? I cry for him does he care?
I hold onto him for life for breath for love but none is fourth coming as I sit here night after night. It’s a lonely existence as I tread water. Does he watch with interest or does he ignore my cries? He ignores those cries as my head goes under.
He walks out the door without giving me a second thought as he has his ipad packed for his next trip. He lies to me over and over as if I do not know, as if I am a fool that buys his lies. He isn’t with me so who is he with?
It doesn’t matter does it, as long as he is with someone else, he is never with me. Should I cry? Should I walk away, should I just wait? No, I cannot wait for waiting is what has hurt me so badly as I sit here wondering where is my best friend.
I really like wind chimes and I could listen to them moving in the wind all day long. There is something about the sound that takes me back home. The sound reminds me of hot summer days and hummingbirds drinking their nectar and fluttering around the flowers on the bush.
I think the sound of wind chimes is so relaxing and soothing and it puts me in a relaxed mood. I just so enjoy the simple country life and the wind chimes is such a reminder of those days and it makes me feel comforted.
Have you ever felt like running off a mountain into the air? Wondering will I fly or will I die? Have you ever wanted to run away from your life and run away from everyone? I wonder if I will ever fly, I wonder if I will ever grab the golden ring, I wonder if I will ever be able to help those that are in need.
I want to do so much for so many but barely can take care of myself right now, that will change in time of course but in the mean time I think of how I can make homes out of box cars and use solar power to provide the homeless with housing, I want to teach the world how to make use of food so it isn’t wasted.
I want to show the world how to prevent illness, and I want to show the world how to love. There is so much hate in this world and so much anger and resentment. People should not feel this way but this is the way life is now, people are moving so fast they no longer can enjoy their lives.
I so wish I could hug the world, I so wish I could take care of those that need help the most, I am a humanitarian, I am a giver of love and hope and I feel like I am losing myself layer by layer. I am starving for the very thing I am giving to others but no one can see me as I bare my soul to the world.
I feel naked and lost, unloved, unwanted and this is so unbearable at times I crawl into myself. I feel like a shattered mirror and when I look into that mirror I can only see pieces of myself. I feel scattered and trashed, I feel too much for to long for too many and I will come together in time.
He sits at home on a Friday night with his ipad on his lap and his world revolves around traveling the world but it is not exciting any longer. His world has become boring, without challenge or desire he does what he must for a paycheck, he doesn’t show his real self to anyone.
He thinks others will wait for him forever but he is finding that no longer to be true, he is no longer the man so many once knew. His fame has waned and he remembers the days the roar of the crowd was constant and he had all the fame. He is getting older and so much bolder but he isn’t happy with his current life.
He needs a challenge, he needs something new, his life is no longer exciting but just an ordinary life day after day. He doesn’t see where he could be if he were with me but that is alright because someone else will appreciate the person that I am. I tried to show him how much I loved him but he just couldn’t see.
When he finally realizes I am gone he will wonder what went wrong, he can’t seriously think that I would wait forever to be with him. He threw me away and thinks I will stay there, no way. I am moving on without him and that’s just the way it has to be, I want someone to love me and someone will soon enough even though this has been so rough.