Where Is He?

Where is my little boy? What happened to him? Where did he go? Big Rick just called and checked up on me and we talked of Ryan. Big Rick reminded me how Bob never did anything with our son, he doted on Shelby and Ryan took a downhill slide at five.

How can this happen? How can such a loving child turn on his mother? How could he hurt me the way he did? The pain goes beyond the heart and is incomprehensible but something in me died that night, something I cannot bury, see or touch. You cannot imagine the pain your child can bring to you.

I want to die or maybe I already did and this is what is left. There is no perfect child and when the parents do not do their part then the child suffers. I suffer, I have no answers, Ryan is severely depressed and suicidal and he cannot find his way and I cannot show him.

FAILURE, EMPTY WALLS, NO BEAUTY OR LOVE for this child of mine? Why is this to be? What am I to learn? Must I learn to walk away to save myself? There is no hope or prayer that can save what is left of us as mother and son. He betrayed me in the worse way and I am broken, in fact shattered.