Again

I have relisted the house again but this time around I got a better rate on the commission. Life is changing so much and I have changed so much and I like the way I am feeling. I feel as if I have somewhat “polished” myself and the way I feel about so many things. I am so much more laid back and relaxed and I do believe it’s because my son isn’t here to fight with all of the time.

I love my kids don’t get me wrong on that but my son is at a tough age and without his dad I have no doubt that he is lost in his own life. My daughter is doing great and she is so focused on school and getting good grades. Me, well I am just moving from one day to the next waiting for this house to sell and to move into something smaller, something easier for me to maintain.

We tend to go through phases in our lives as we want bigger and better and then we realize that bigger isn’t always better and the best isn’t good enough when we have no one to share it with. We take family for granted and then one day we realize that not having family leaves a hole in our souls and we miss it family so much. I envy those that have large families because I know what it is like to have family get togethers and sharing our life with them.

It’s so nice to have someone to lean on, someone to confide in, someone to trust but we cannot bring back the dead and all we can do is walk memory lane. I am glad my grandmother taught me how to cook because that is one way I keep family alive, through food. Cooking recipes handed down from family member to family member is the only way that I can pay tribute to my family.

Try Me Please

Tomorrow I head back to court for the felony charge of entering my deceased dad’s home to get documents. Long story and boring but tomorrow should be the beginning of the end. The trial will last for two days my attorney has told me and he asked me what the pictures were of that the prosecutor had.

The pictures were of the documents I needed to settle my dad’s estate and then there was the bag of my dad’s ashes. Doris lied to me about my dad’s ashes, she said he wanted to be buried on the highest mountain and on his farm. This is a lie and there is nothing written in his will about that.

Those ashes belong to me not her and it is very upsetting for me to see them in a picture when I was going to put him to rest. This woman is greedy and a thief, she steals from the elderly and manipulates them into giving her their things and money. The relationship was one of convenience and she wanted my dad to marry her but he refused.

I just want to get this over with because I want to leave the states on a vacation and I need to clear this mess up first and then I am suing the shit out of the cops and Doris. I am fighting for what is my children’s as well as mine and with no family left all I have is family heirlooms.

Hand Of Red

I got caught red handed doing a dirty deed and I should fee bad but I do not. I was blogging at dinner last night with”C” and I tuned him out. I got so into blogging it was as if he wasn’t there.

He evidently was talking to me and I was to engrossed in what I was doing so he grabbed my laptop and read what I was writing. This was not good and make him feel real bad after he read the part about him boring me to death.

He asked me why I didn’t let him know I was bored and I told him I had but he just didn’t listen. He was greatly insulted and dinner came to a dead halt and we left the restaurant. He started yelling at me and that pissed me off.

I reminded him I am a grown adult and will not be yelled at like a child and then he said I was acting like one. That did it, home I go get out of the car and he says he will call me, I told him don’t bother. Shit, what have I done?

Panic Over Seas

Long distance relationships can put a lot of pressure on you if you let them but they need not be stressful at all if you look at the relationship logically. The first thing you have to take into consideration is any children of either party and then you have to consider family.

I do not have to worry about family because they are all have passed and it’s me and my children. I do not want anyone to move to the states to be with me because they do not have to. If their work is overseas then it is best to live overseas for the most part and then one has to look at the taxes.

I wouldn’t want him to move here because I don’t want to live here, lol. I am moving after Ryan graduates and I want to live over seas somewhere or another country and I am leaning towards latino countries because of personal believes. I think it is best that we take this real slow and get to know each other.

Sometimes people panic and say things to keep the person in their life but they should be careful of their promises and statements. There is no reason we can’t spend time together on the weekends or when he is alone and when a little one is visiting, I do not or he doesn’t visit me.

I am not one to want to bring children into a relationship for quite some time because  the scares  kids have are deep already and I am not one to want to rattle anyone’s cage. Children get very protective of their opposite parent and I know my son is very protective of me.

The thing about kids is they tell everything and there are no secrets. When I was separated I tried to drive into the kids that my life was mine and do not go back to dad and tell him what I am doing, it is none of his business. Don’t you know they couldn’t wait to tell him every little thing I did.

I know there will be problems if things work out and the x always has their two cents to put into the jar. I have no interest in being a problem for anyone and I definitely do not deal with x wives. I didn’t know her before and I do not know what happened in their relationship nor do I care to want to really know.

I think if we can make it through the first six months then we are doing well enough to go to the next level if things are working for everyone involved. I am a giver and I will do what ever needs to be done to make my relationships happy for everyone.

I do not ever expect to be put before kids unless they are adults then that is a completely different situation. I know how important a child/father/mother relationship is and our children are only children once and how we act shapes their world. We have to always be mindful of our kids and if we are things will work out beautifully.

I can live anywhere and I can go long periods without seeing someone if we keep in contact by phone or computer and I also see a huge changing coming into his life which is employment related, how he brings in money will change drastically and he will do very well for himself.

I do not want him to support me or my children and the nicest gift he could ever give me is a house keeper for a month, lol. My back is so bad that it hurts so much to bend and pick up around the house. I want us both to feel that we have our freedom but we are also one and I know both of us will have to make sacrifices, but it’s one day at a time, baby.

Jealousy Theory

I have finally figured out what triggers Ryan’s depression and attitude, it’s his sister. Ryan is obviously jealous that I enjoy my daughter’s visits and I want to be part of her life. His entire demeanor changes when she is around and he is mean and very moody. I am glad I go to counseling and will start family counseling again.

Shelby doesn’t like to be around Ryan because he acts this way and there is really no excuse for it. I spend all of my time with Ryan and very little time with Shelby but he still resents her being around. He is constantly comparing himself to her and that is what my husband did to my son.

My husband always made Shelby out to be the greatest kid alive and never made Ryan feel good about himself. I can only do so much and a boy needs positive reinforcement from his dad. I have tried to build up my sons self esteem but I can only do so much and then my hands are tied.

I am hoping this new school makes Ryan feel good and I know he will feel accepted which is a great thing for him. The principal is supposed to be really good with kids that don’t fit in and Ryan is one of those kids. I do not see why he doesn’t fit in but I am not a kid either.

Paradise Secret

All of us have our dreams but how many of us have sat down and mapped out their secret paradise? I have and long ago I started building my secret paradise in my mind. I have refined that secret within me and I find I am happier every time I go to my secret paradise.

My place is one of naked love and freedom, respecting myself and the man I am with to have trust and both of us living our lives together but separately. He does what he needs to and if that means he is gone for a month at a time then so be it, if it means he needs to be with his family then I encourage that as well because siblings and parents need to stay connected.

My paradise is a ranch home with black raspberry bushes and a summer garden, my paradise is taking care of my children until they are on their own and then I want to be with the one I love. I do not want to get married but I would if he wanted me too because men are like that, they like predictability and security as well as women.

I do not need to be married because I totally trust my partner and I have always felt that if you aren’t happy do not cheat just pack up and leave. I do not have time to cheat because my focus is on keeping the one I love happy and yes that is a full time job because relationships don’t fix themselves.

 

Knowledge Man

Our parents shape who we look for in a mate and when you do not have a parent of the opposite sex around then you have a difficult time finding the person for you. I only had my mother to shape my views and so I ended up in bad relationships and allowed myself to be used, abused and manipulated.

My dad and I started to build our relationship in 2007 and I can tell you I have yet to meet a man that impressed me the way my dad did. My dad was a genius, literally and I learned so much from him that I have yet to meet a man that held my interest like my dad. My dad could make me feel so good about myself when my own husband was tearing me down.

My dad loved food, absolutely loved it and there are certain things that my great grandmother used to make my dad that triggered a positive emotion from him. My great grandmother’s lemon meringue pie was one of those foods. I would make him a pie once in a while and he would tell me how much he liked it.

When he was dying I made some chili and took it to him and he couldn’t get enough of it. My dad’s last meal was my chili and that makes me feel really good as well. I miss my dad but I have someone who reminds me of him an awful lot, which is hard to do. The person I speak about is a “knowledge man” because he seeks out knowledge constantly and he enjoys learning.

He is extremely smart and I am not so sure he doesn’t have a genius IQ as well. He reminds me of my father which is new to me because I know of no one like my dad. This person is so like my dad but even better, he has the capability to show love and affection which my dad could not.

I think he is pretty awesome just as he is and behind closed doors I am sure he is pretty special as well. Behind closed doors he can be himself, he doesn’t have to live up to any ones expectations but his own. He can walk around naked if he so chooses and he can be a total slob but I doubt he is a slob every, messy at times maybe.

This person means the world to me and we have a connection that is of soulmates, I respect him immensely and sometimes he surprises the hell out of me. He is everything I have always wanted in a companion and I am his personal cheerleader without blowing smoke up his arse.

Must The Father

A man loves his children as much as the mother but in a different way and men can and are just as responsible if not more with their children. I do not think either parent should bring a new person around unless they are sure that person is going to be around.

Divorce is very hard on children and they need to adjust even if the parents were separated. It is not easy for any child to see the hurt and anger between their parents and even if you hide it from them, you have hid nothing as they saw the writing on the wall long ago and dreaded it.

When you get involved with someone you need to have a clear understanding of what is expected of each other and their children. I would never get mad if the man I was seeing wanted to be with his kids or had to do something with his children, say if one were to get married I would not feel comfortable attending such an event unless we had been together a long time.

I think if you have been seeing someone on a steady basis for 3-6 months then it is safe to bet you will be together for a while longer. If you have a long distance relationship then you have to base your decision on the time you have spent together, not the time you have communicated on the computer or phone.

To build a relationship two people must spend time together and learn about each other and their likes, dislikes, bad habits, ect. I think we must have a meeting of the minds and mutual respect and the kids play a very important part of my relationship with anyone.

Bypass Child

It is difficult for me to accept the fact that my daughter will be leaving for college before I know it. Yes, she still has to graduate high school but even that is a blink away. Because of circumstances beyond my control my has been living with her boyfriend and I will tell you that goes over like a lead fart with me.

Those that know me are surprised at my reaction regarding my daughter because they never knew I would be so against my daughter living with her bf. Yes, it bothers me because I feel he has too much influence over her and no influence from me at all, and his mother also puts her two cents in as well.

I was very hurt when Shelby was driven to U of D by her bf’s mom and he went along. Those are trips her and I should be taking together and I was really pissed and hurt. I wanted her to come stay at home this week because she is off of school but she didn’t want to and we got into a huge fight.

I thought about it and I have finally accepted the cold hard facts which are she is going to be 18, she is going to do what she wants and she is a brilliant young lady that has lived the last three years in a very difficult place. She is to smart and to pretty for her current bf but for me to keep them from each other is just going to push them closer together.

I am hoping once she starts work and college she will see he needs to grow up quite a bit. I will go on a nut if she spends a dime of her settlement on him instead of school but once again I cannot control that either. I cannot control her at all and I actually do not want to.

I apologized to her and explained to her how hard it was for me not to have her at home and I will be letting her go for good very soon. I had to admit that I wasn’t mad but very hurt and that showing anger was a way to protective myself from further hurt. The honesty on my part has brought us closer together and I can feel us rebuilding our relationship, which is great.

Don’t Believe

How do we let ourselves fall in love with someone we have never met and all the conversations are either on computer or phone. Why would someone scam me and then keep following me even though they get no more money from me?

It’s been like four years and he reads every post and contacts me on my fb under so many different names. He knows I know who he really is so why isn’t he smart and just move on? He has never had a single plan of meeting me so what gives?

He has never had a real relationship in his life I do not think he is capable of one even though he was married. I sure would like to talk to that milk man because not a single one of his kids look like him and his profession kept him on the road a lot.

I think he feels safe with me and he has come to rely on me to be there for him when he is bored and lonely, which is every day. If he loved me you would think he would want to make me happy by leaving my life but he is selfish and thinks only of himself.

I also think because of who he is people kiss his ass and blow smoke up it as well. I tell it like it is and I do not think he is used to a confident, self assured (most of the time) independent female that doesn’t want him.

It really is sad to have it all financially yet you do not know who is real in your life or who is using you and how many women are with you because of your name. I think living life that way is worse than any heart break.

He lost me and doesn’t care and neither do I because I have finally met a real man who cares for me and treats me fantastic. We still have the no presents issue that he keeps ignoring and I keep putting the gifts back in his car.

A real woman doesn’t need presents or fancy evenings, a real woman enjoys snuggling by the fireplace and just enjoying his company, but how many real woman are out there? Men love a confidant woman especially one that won’t take their crap and I am not taking any of his.