Screaming Nipple

I am a strong believer in breastfeeding and I breastfed both of my kids, my daughter was so small she couldn’t latch on and I pumped milk for her but my son, that boy latched on like I was his life saver. It’s moments like these that rip at my heart as a mother. I have no one to lean on, no family and my friends have their own problems.

The guy I have been seeing is now sitting on the back burner because I do not have time for him. He doesn’t know my history and he has no clue what I have been living through. The last thing I want is to meet someone and listen to their fucked up life problems and I will not do that to anyone.

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I used to talk to “him” but not anymore, he is to busy and I take up to much space with my problems. I know people should always stand by you no matter what but that isn’t fair to do. Sometimes, we have to deal with adversity ourselves because it will shape our future in some way.

I feel like this is my time to stand strong and in one, without someone to help me. Sometimes the answers are all in helping ourselves no matter what pain they may bring. Keeping my own counsel seems to work in my favor but also against me at times and I know the answers all have to come through me or by me.

The fool says it is strength the wise one knows it is karma and the lonely dove will eventually fly with others when God opens the cage of life experiences. I am in so much pain all I can do is write as it is the easiest way for me to purge my swollen belly of the nausea. I am hopefully going to be a better person in time but as of now my lessons are long and numerous.

The Crying Vagina

Most women are raised to want children and when we give birth at that very instant we are transformed. Our entire lives revolve around the care, love and nurturing of that little soul. No one comes before our children, not our mothers, fathers or even spouses. We want only the best for our children and keeping them healthy and happy are our main goals.

A real mother will throw her husband to the wayside for the care of her children and that is how we are wired. We are also wired to love our children unconditionally and accepting them for who they are, not what we want them to be. I have two beautiful children but my son is a troubled boy who is suicidal.

I cry when I think of having to turn and walk away from him at 15 but I have no choice. I have avoided making this move for months but the time has come. Tough love is the hardest love we give our children or even an addicted spouse. It is a sad day as my heart slowly melts away in a puddle of tears.

I have given my son to the state because I am without answers and maybe with me out of his life he will either be happier or realize I sit day after day with a crying vagina. The body that gave birth to this child, the body that gave him mentally ill dna and the body that has loved him since we bonded.

I didn’t give birth to two children and instantly love them because I had no bond with them and I have one now and they rule my heart and emotions. I have no answers for my own life and none for my son’s so I am doing what I feel is best for now and maybe one day I can rebuild my family.

 

Backbone

The hardest thing in the world to do is to turn your back on your child, especially when they suffer from bipolar disorder. I have no choice but to walk away from my son and it is ripping out my heart. He attempted suicide Oct 1 and was talking the same stuff at 3 a.m. I have done all I can do and now it’s up to cps.

I will be charged with neglect and the state will put him in a facility or in foster care. For a mother to have do this is so very hard. I have no more choices and it is has come down to be getting a backbone and walking away at this point. I cannot let my child destroy me and himself so I have been given no alternative.

The hospital keeps calling and I refuse to pick up the phone because they want me to take responsibility financially and it’s not happening. CPS knows I have done all I can do for him and it gives me no pleasure to have to be so cold to my child. The problem with being a mother is doing what is best and not feeling guilt.

I feel so bad that I have had to do this to my child but it is for his best no matter how it hurts me. I talked to “C” about the situation and I think I could hear a sigh of relief in his voice. Maybe I am imagining it but I have no doubt that having my son out of the way is what he would like.

When you feel like someone is glad to have your kids out of the way there becomes these undertones of disgust that you feel. I also feel a sense of betrayal from him because I thought he would have common sense to accept my kids but I am starting to think differently.

To Be Sure

People fall in love and get married without really looking at the person and they deal strictly on emotion. When I got married I was thirty four and got pregnant. Yes, I was on the pill but being fertile Myrtle proved to be stronger than any birth control pill. I married my husband because I thought he would be a good dad, how wrong I was.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband after ten years of marriage or so but I was never in love with him nor him with me. We were raised during a time that you did the “right thing” and got married if knocked up. I made it clear to him that I wanted two kids not just one.

He didn’t want anymore kids but that wasn’t the deal we made. When I was ovulating I would practically have to chase his butt down and tie him to the bed because he just wasn’t into sex. How can a man not be into sex? He wasn’t into making babies but to bad I got my son anyway.

When I was giving birth he told me to shut up because I was in so much pain, that is why I never fell in love with him. He was very into himself and he was very selfish. Bob always wanted the best that we could afford, even if we couldn’t afford it he would go buy it. I would invest my money for the kids education and he spent every damn dime of that money during our divorce.

We got back together and he died a month later, once again leaving me to fend for the kids and myself after he spent all the money. He wasn’t all bad but he was very selfish and I will never be with another person like that again. I think people place too much emphasis on love and not enough on real compatibility.

The biggest mistake people make is marrying for love and not looking at what the two have in common. Money is a huge problem in marriages because people do not look at each other’s spending and saving habits. I am not a spender because I have had to take care of myself since I was young and I know the importance of saving.

I have made some really stupid mistakes with money when I was sick but now that I am doing well physically and mentally I am back on track. I get excited over little things like wild flowers instead of roses, diamonds hold no interest to me and neither do big houses and fancy cars.

Of course I like these items but it doesn’t mean I want them because I know the importance of people over items. I only need enough to get by and I am happy. Life isn’t about the material crap, it’s about the moments that make memories we cherish and look back on, moments are all about life but material crap won’t hold your hand.

I am glad I am starting to see someone because it makes me look at my life differently and what I really want. I won’t end up with him permanently that I am sure of because I feel that I need to date several guys over a period of time before I make the decision to settle down with just one.

I thought I would end up with someone who has been in my life for the past 3-4 yrs. but that will never happen and I am moving on. We have never met and never will so it’s time to cut my losses and move forward. He doesn’t know me anymore than I know him and he won’t even meet me to see if he would be interested in going further.

So I have finally made the decision to move on and leave him to his own devices. He makes me feel like I am not good enough for him or pretty enough, thin enough, have enough money. I don’t want a damn thing from him and that includes supporting me, I did want one thing, his love but that will never happen so he’s being left behind while I find someone who cares about me and will love me.

I am over flowing with love and affection and I have wasted it for years on him and it’s time to respect and love myself enough to find someone who will truly appreciate what I have to offer as a woman and a lover. I have no doubt in time I will be happy for the rest of my life but for now I am just redefining Kimberly.

Where Have All

Where have all the children gone? I was a child when I was seventeen but now girls as early as eight years old are getting pregnant. There seems to be no more childhoods for kids, they are born and tossed into adulthood at such an early age that they no longer can be kids.

There are too many pregnancies, divorces and break ups going on in our world today that children no longer have a chance to grow up the way they should, being kids. To many kids become responsible for their siblings because their parent has to work double shifts or afternoons and cannot be home to care for them.

I do not believe anyone should collect welfare and be able to have an iphone, drive a Cadillac or collect benefits if they cannot get work or at least show they are trying. I know the economy is hard but a little creativity has to come into play with you need money and how to raise it.

If we do not start changing our world now it will definitely go to hell in a hand basket, but how can you stop technology? The world is revolving around technology but why can’t we have technology and live somewhat in the past? Is it too much to ask to teach kids manners and let them be kids?

As It Goes On And On

Today was my trial for the felony charge, I am such a bad girl doing such terrible things like going into my deceased dad’s home looking for legal papers, with a probate document signed by the judge in hand. His roommate of thirty years refused to give me a copy of anything so I didn’t know if any docs even existed.

I will not go into what a piece of shit this pig is or how much I can’t stand the bitch but let’s put it this way, I wouldn’t hesitate to run her over several hundred times for letting my dad suffer the way he did in the end. Anyway, court is such a joke, first the judge is ALWAYS an hour and one half late, then Doris (the roommate) and her four groupies came walking down the hall and I could have sworn I was at the geriatric ladies dildo society.

They all had their hair done for the occasion and it was quite comical as they marched by. My attorney showed me some pictures today that he had just gotten and they show my suitcase filled with the legal documents I needed. Is the prosecution completely blind?

The court couldn’t get another judge to take my case and the one that would wanted me to waive jury trial, as if I have complete IDIOT stamped on my forehead. We ended up setting trial on November 14 and then Scott says it will take two days. It was a bit upsetting seeing the picture that had my dads ashes in a clear plastic bag.

Doris wants to see me burn so bad so she can keep my dad’s entire estate but that isn’t going to happen because I will not let her kids have what my dad worked for his entire life. My kids were his grandkids and they have a future ahead of them hell her kids are my age, get a life.

Before I get to enjoy the show of the 14th of this month I get to celebrate my fifty-third birthday, now aren’t I friggin special? Just another day I crawl up on the couch under a blanket with my jammies on watching pawn stars for the millionth time because Ryan likes the show.

Young Love

Young love is so sweet, so fragile and so deep and my daughter is experiencing this exact thing. She and Leo met in ninth grade. He took her to the prom but she didn’t like him but wanted to go to the prom. Then he asked her out months later and that was the beginning of me losing a part of my daughter.

When your child falls in love, serious love they write you off like a bad check. They have a backup that will pit themselves against you when they are not happy with the way you treat your child. Leo has made some serious errors as a boyfriend by telling me how to raise my daughter.

I have banned him from my home and my daughter is now living with him because of cps. We have no family so she had been given the right of where she wanted to live instead of going into foster care. She was in foster care for two weeks and I went crazy over her “care giver”.

I went to see my daughter, which I wasn’t suppose to do or know where she was staying. This woman opened the door with a nighty on clear up to her kitty and it had holes in it. She swore at me and that did it, I turned her in and cps interviewed my daughter to see if I was lying.

My daughter didn’t even have a sheet on her bed, there was dog piss everywhere and the woman even said she was a foster care participant for the money only. They did finally remove her as a foster care participant. This really affected my daughter terribly and as I drove away she sat on the porch crying.

This ripped out my heart so that is how she ended up at Leo’s. I went to court yesterday and my daughter has to come home for the weekends and her attorney totally agrees with me that she should not be living with her boyfriend. The young love she is in could end up blowing up in her face.

What will happen if they break up? Where will she live then? In foster care again and I will not have that. We talked about her going to college and the settlement money will not be enough every month for her to be able to afford an apartment. She will receive six hundred dollars a month for the next four years and I explained to her that law school is very expensive.

It cost like fifty grand for law school so I have got to figure out a way to get the money. She is going to be working and going to school but how is this young love going to sustain? I hope she ends up being so busy she doesn’t have time for him but I think I am just going to have to bite the bullet and accept Leo.

The one thing I cannot deny is how perfect they are for each other. They both have lost their dad’s and Leo seems to think he knows how I feel losing my husband. He has no clue and my parents divorced when I was three so I know what it is like not to have a father around but not how I would feel if I was seventeen and lost my dad.

I can never understand the depth of loss my daughter feels as she was a daddy’s girl. She stays busy so she doesn’t have to think of all that hurts her so bad. She is very closed and keeps her own council most of the time. She is a beautiful girl and she wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful.

Her attorney agrees that my family needs to rebuild our foundation and the judge ordered Shelby home on the weekends as a step towards bringing her home. In January we will be going back to court and she will be ordered home but she turns eighteen the seventeenth of January so she could turn right around and move back in with her boyfriend.

I need to get the money to buy her a car and I do not have that much time left that she will get social security and I am trying to pay off her private schooling. Leo will be around probably for the next year and then he may no longer hold her attention but I do not know, so I have to support her choice in boyfriends.

Why?

I don’t know how I got to be in the place I am at but I put everyone before myself and have since I was a young child. I do for others and not myself and my kids are always put before myself. I do not feel responsible that my husband died and left the kids fatherless and I do not try to make up for him departing.

I have been taking care of myself since I was eight years old and I have been responsible for taking care of various family members since I was twenty. I do not know where I am supposed to be in my life and I do not know why I feel so damn responsible for everyone’s happiness but my own.

I wonder how much unhappiness I have brought into my children’s lives by being there for others and sometimes not them. I have tried to be a good mother but I do not know if I have succeeded or not. Sometimes I feel like a huge failure in that area of my life but I think most mother’s feel that way occasionally.

I am such a giver and I wonder if that is because I am so desperate for love and acceptance that by giving even to scammers that I feel some amount of acceptance and love even though I know they do not even like me one bit, just what I could give them. It’s hard to look at ourselves realistically and try to put our behavior into focus and judge it appropriately.

I know it’s my job to make myself happy and to love myself first and by loving myself first is the key to loving others. I am so full of love but the one I love doesn’t appear to love me but I do not know how to let go of the emotions I have for this person. I am so confused about where I belong and what I should be feeling.

My birthday is next week and I should be happy but I am not because I know it will be just another day and no one will even recognize it, not even my kids. It’s just another day that I will be very sad and depressed and I will try to cover up my disappointment by ignoring the day all together.

I have been told that someone wants to get me a surprise but I do not believe that there will be any surprise and the only thing I want is just a couple of hours with the person I love but that isn’t going to happen and I already know it. Material things don’t make me happy and all I want is to be hugged.

The Child

This child was born at 2:50 pm on January 17, 1995 she is now a young adult who seems not to need her mother, but this is so not true. Children have a connection with their mother’s which is totally different from a relationship with their fathers. A child will forever need their mom and go to her in times of trouble or need.

I have always been totally honest with my children because that’s the way I am and my husband’s health was not good and they watched him leave the house on a gurney way to many times. They never knew if he would live or die and I would tell them the truth when they asked me questions.

Most moms that are having a difficult time with their daughter must remember one thing, children need us always no matter how old they get or how much they think they know. They will always come back to mom and seek out her knowledge, advice or help and you can bank on that.

My daughter and I have been separated since June and I do not see her often but when she needs something she is seeking me out. Just like tomorrow, she wants to come over and have me help her bake something for her pom squad. Moms are priceless and don’t forget it, the place of a mom isn’t always a happy place either.

It’s hard to watch our children fall but we must let them fall and not pick them up, how else will they learn? I hate the thought of watching my children learn hard lessons in a sad way but it must be that way if they are to become the person they are meant to be. It’s a tough job being a mom because you are responsible for everything that happens to your child and they blame you when their life isn’t easy.

I am a mom and a dad and I can tell you I suck at it, I am not a good dad at all and I know it. I try to give my kids what they need but I am unable to do that. I cannot give them their father’s love or do everything for them the way he did, being a dad has to come from a dad and when doesn’t have one it has an impact on a child’s life.

Divorced parents should be responsible and mature enough not to argue and fight and let their children hear them. Keep that shit where it belongs, in your brain not coming out of your mouth. Parents do not realize how divorce has an impact on children and how it can damage them for life.

My My

Well poor James is really wanting me to go to court this morning as his own parents are not going. He was in the car with John when the dumbass went over and pissed off his girlfriends grandparents and they called the cops. Then he was supposed to take James home because he had been up all night and he fell asleep in John’s car.

John went back over the grandparents house after I told him not to and both got arrested. James got arrested for having a pipe and weed in his lap and John for trespassing. These stupid ass kids never listen and learn. I will show up for James because the kid really has no one in his corner.

James is a good kid it’s John that is the bad seed, his own parents say he’s an asshole, lol. The kid was supposed to move in the basement then I found out the little fuck doesn’t even have a job. Well, that is just to bad because he messed with the wrong person,lieing to me and not even calling to see how Ry is.

He was using my son so now it’s time for me to pull out my bag of  “your fucked” because I am going to burn that kid like he has never been burned. John might as well bend over and kiss his ass goodbye because I have a plan in place to save James and torch John. It’s not nice to try to fool Kimberly, o no.