Face Down Naked

I feel like I am being dragged face down naked by a dozen Clydesdale horses, the only thing that just made me smile is the thought of looking up at them dressed in their Anheiser Busch garb, yes I am twisted. I am trying so damn hard to shake the overwhelming sadness my heart feels.

I do not know where my son is and I cannot reach out to find him because if I do I am doing more harm to him as well as myself. How does a parent do that to their child? It’s called using your damn brain instead of your heart to make those tough ass decisions that most parents won’t make.

I can honestly say I hate myself at this very moment but that too shall pass as it is said. I just found the book the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom and I have never read it, today I begin. This is the first step of loving myself, doing things I want to do that are beneficial and reading and writing are always beneficial.

You may think I am a terrible mother but guess what? I have just dropped my panties and bent over for your lips to plant a big one. My kids didn’t roll out of the womb will a manual and all the experts on child rearing I have to question as well. I wish I were a sponge that could absorb all of my children’s pain but to do so is cheating them out of experiences they need to add to their lessons of life.