I feel like I am the Duchess of soap opera life blogs, my life reads like a poorly written exert in a cheap novel. I sit here trying to remember happier times and I am hard pressed to remember any. It’s been so long since I have been happy that I have become comfortably numb without it.
This life has been nothing but a series of tests and wits and somehow I have managed it this far. My son is going to be the death of me yet because I do not know what to do for him. No child should be so unhappy they want to die but there are so many and suicide rates climb daily with adolescent suicide.
This world puts too much pressure on our young to be their own caretakers at such an early age. I have been fortunate enough to be home to care for my kids the majority of their lives but I feel like such a failure as a parent but I cannot allow myself to wear that cloak of responsibility.
I just don’t know what is going to be next for me because as it stands I cannot see any happiness coming into my life anytime soon, if ever. I am pretty down in the mouth right now but I will bounce back as I always do and no it isn’t about strength, it’s about not having a choice.
You may think I am in bed with a new lover but then again it could be just another fantasy now couldn’t it. It could be a fantasy of us for all you know but then again it could be a new lover now couldn’t it. Would I finally take the dive with someone else or would I save myself for you and you alone?
Don’t you wish you knew the truth? Do you hope it’s just a fantasy? Does it bother you at all that another man would be touching my body? Be inside me? Bring me to ultimate orgasms and delightful evenings of kissing and caressing? Would you begrudge me some physical love?
Of course you do because in your mind it’s ok to be boning another bitch while I am by myself. Well, bone away and enjoy yourself because I will not shed another tear over you being with someone else. You do what you must and think what you may as I do not care, this is my life and I live it for myself and no one else.
The next time you see your great AB think of her and her alone, not me because you cannot build a relationship with another in your mind. Does she know about me? Of course not, will you tell her? I seriously doubt it, you don’t want to lose your convenient partner and the sex.
Have you ever felt like you were surrounded by mystery and intrigue? Have you ever felt like someone was putting on a surprise party for you but there was no special occasion?
I have felt that way for the last couple of days, yes like there is a surprise party in the works but I know there is none. Why I feel like I am surrounded my intrigue is another thing I cannot explain.
It’s as if the joke is on me and someone has been pulling my strings all along. This is exactly why I am getting away. I am losing touch and my thinking is going way out in left field.
I guess it’s good to fantasize now and then but emotionally I prefer to keep control of those emotional moments. I could so easily fall apart and I have no plans of letting that happen.
My biggest fear is that I will fall seriously in love and then never see him again. That is the type of luck I have and it would destroy me if that happened. I hope I do meet someone and maybe just maybe we can work it out.
That’s one thing about me I am flexible and always willing to go the extra mile to make something work. I am not a controlling greedy person and I find it beneficial for two people to work out what works best for them.
I think this trip is going to be holding something quite unique for me. I feel like this is a turning point and I have no idea why, it’s some big mystery but one delightful mystery at that.