Stars and Moon

I follow astrology and use it as a guide only, astrology requires so much knowledge and a sun sign tells a basic about a person. Their rising sign is actually more important and their moon sign tells how they are emotionally. I have Scorpio Sun, Sagittarius rising and pisces moon, this is just a lovely mix of confusion for most people.

People have a difficult time understanding me until they get to know me, which takes a very long time. The few friends I hold dear have been around like forever and they understand me. I think like a man have the emotions of a vagina and sexual desires of a nympho, sexual activity is in the negative and has been for years, my lover is my hand and I do lover her, lol.

I am just letting my joke of a personal life just do it’s own thing because it does anyway and that is that. I have been trying to control a situation I have no control over and not being able to have my share of control makes me fight even harder. It’s stupid and wasted energy and the story goes like this….

He knows how I feel or does he? I love him, not in love with him because that takes like a face to face a few times and then if he is a lousy lay well hell there goes the relationship. I have to look at this logically and if he wanted to be with me he would, he doesn’t and he isn’t so there you have it.

Thanx dad for sitting in on this one- I do not want to get married in the legal sense and I frankly do not want to give up my freedom, it’s not like I have a life anyway. I don’t want anyone dealing with my son’s situation because no one can and it is best not to let any man meet Ryan for the next year at best.

My daughter called me tonight and she was telling me I need to get a life, a man, have fun and she even told me to get laid, lol now that’s my Shelby girl. I used to call her BooBoo and still do and I call her Shelby girl because when my southern grandmother got mad at me she would always say ” listen girl” lol.

She is right and I figure fate will do it’s thing again and “C” was kind of a different way to enter the dating scene again. Haven’t heard from him but Mr. Hockey keeps calling but that boy is just to young for me, I just cannot do anyone under 40 no matter how sweet his little ass looks and o ya I would like to sample it but then I would feel like a child molester.

He is fun but he is young and acts young and I do not feel like being a teacher to him. We went out to dinner at the restaurant of my choice of course and he didnt know what the tongs were for when they brought the escargot. I showed him but roflmao he didn’t fair so well.

He was like in a movie, holding the shell and digging it with the fork and it flings across the restaurant, I died laughing and couldn’t stop, he got pissed, lol. He didn’t know what veal was or what chic peas were, definitely not a foodie and he had the most annoying habit of holding his fork like a shovel and shoveling it in like it was his last meal.

I am a huge foodie and love food but can’t eat much and the restaurant I took him to their was homemade hot bread, soup, salad and the meal, hell I stop after the salad and limit the bread, my dinner comes and I take a bite and then it goes home but not with him, he asked me if I was going to finish and I said I was and he asked if he could have my dinner, so I gave it to him.

He didn’t even know he was eating veal picante and asked me what it was after he was done and I told him. He turned green, actually he got nauseated by my description of how veal is processed. Not my kind of guy but he was a grin and no I am not going to be his milf and he can move on to.

So there you have it in a nutshell the life and times of a psycho wench and it doesn’t get better than this and the hits keep on coming. The next two years are going to be growing years for me and major positive changes are finally going to come to me. I feel like a catipilar going through a metamorphisis.

Foodie 101

I am a foodie, I love everything about food from planting that first seed to serving it at the table. One would think I eat a lot but the truth is I do not. When I go out to eat I am hungry and I order a lot of food but I can never get past the soup or salad. I enjoy preparing food for others and knowing they are eating something they have never tried excites me.

When I was a child I drank milk right from the teet and eggs freshly laid without worry of getting sick. We can no longer eat our foods that way and safety is up to ourselves. I am fanatical about washing fruits and veggies and cooking most meats to the proper temperature.

Temperatures are not the only thing we must concerns ourselves with and I was reminded of that yesterday. Ryan and James decided to make a cake from box and Ryan told James not to lick the beaters because of salmonella. I was impressed that my son remembered the dangers of raw egg.

I have had food poisoning one time and it was terrible, my stomach hurt so bad and when I wasn’t throwing up I was shitting like a goose and sometimes it was simultaneously and it really left a shitty mess. 

Day Dilema

What a day, wow I am glad it is time to relax. Had to drive an hour to pick up my yorkie puppies, Michael and Gabriel and they are brothers but the personalities are quite different and distinct already.

I shouldn’t have spent the money on them but it’s time for me to love me and show myself some kindness and buy myself something I have wanted since my other guys were given away.

I told the kids do not buy me anything for xmas because I got the puppies. I have started to pick up a few items for Shelby and she is coming over tomorrow for dinner. We had a huge fight yesterday and then I thought about it.

It’s hard for me to  accept that I am wrong and say I am sorry but I do do it. I had to finally admit to myself and my daughter that her living at her boyfriends and graduating from high school is hard for me.

I am losing someone I love very much but I have to let her make her own way in this world and under the circumstances it isn’t fair to her. It is hard to admit that your child is growing up, no let me rephrase that, she is grown up.

It has been so hard on her and her senior year without her dad has been really hard for her and her graduation is going to be hard for me. I’ve got her a job lines up with my attorney and she will be going to college in the fall and working.

I feel so bad that Bob spent the kids college money but what can I do? Maybe it is a good thing who knows. I am trying to pay off school and put money away to get her a car for graduation.

Ryan got expelled yesterday and I think that is also a blessing, it saves me money on tuition and Ryan is going to an alternative school which is for troubled and pregnant, trying to get these kids to graduation instead of dropping out.

The kids have grown up fast like Ryan and some have problems like Ryan and others have worse problems. Some classes may have 15 kids and some may only have 5 kids so this will be good.

The puppies have stolen Ryan’s heart and Michael took right to Ryan. Gabriel is just as cute but their personalities are so different. I am glad that Michael took to Ryan because it makes Ryan feel special.





Twink Me

I was at the grocery yesterday and it was quite noticeable that Hostess wasn’t there. I do not know what grievances are on the table but I do hope they work out their issues because some people were irate that they couldn’t buy those nasty twinkies. I take twinkies and deep fry them for the kids.

I also make chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes, I like cooking for anyone but it is really nice when the kids tell me I have made something awesome. My son begs me to make Tres Leche and he will eat the entire thing by himself so I only make it once in a while. I like making different things like angel food cake or fill hoagie buns with beef tenderloin, peppers and onions, now that is good eating. 

I make all this food but never eat it, lol, I think just being around all that food automatically makes you full and that is weird but true. My grandmother used to make these huge Sunday dinners and not eat a single bite, she would pick after everyone was done and she was doing the dishes.

Some people do not understand why Southern people insist on feeding you all the time. Many southerners where poor and had little or nothing at all to eat and when things got better for them sharing a meal was something you just did. I think dinner time is a great time for everyone to get together and just chat and tell anything new going on.

Dead Wood

Are you proud of

What you have become?

Someone who hurts

Others just for fun

You made promises

You never meant to


You are a liar

You are a thief

You hurt others

Just like me

You ask for money

Like I was your


You hurt me


You hurt me


But who have

You really hurt?


You have lost

Me for good

But we were never

Anything but

Dead wood



The Nose Knows

I love food, I love everything about food-buying it, cleaning it, preparing it but most of all I love to serve food. I enjoy the smells of food like bacon cooking in the morning, a steak on the grill or pie in the oven.

When you want to sell a home it’s always best to cook or bake something that smells great because this sets a picture in the mind of the purchaser. The picture is one of their own family being in the house and the memories it may invoke.

There are two things that are totally universal around the world and food is one, the other of course is sex. Food is used to break the ice on a date, show respect to a guest and in my case I love to give my guests items of food they have never tried.

People hear of special foods like creme brulee and they wonder what it tastes like and my guests are always given foods that they usually cannot afford or would never order because they didn’t know what it was.

We even honor the dieing with food, my dad’s last meal was my chili, I make chili that holds up the spoon it is so thick. He loved my fruitcake too and my lemon meringue pies. It’s such a good feeling to see people enjoy something you have cooked just for them.

I decided to clean out my freezer and found a whole beef tenderloin that needed to be cooked so I tossed it in the oven. My friend Janet was over and I had all this meat so I decided to cook up some red, yellow and green bell peppers in butter.

I threw some hoagie buns on the grill and made sandwiches with the peppers and steak and she went nuts. She calls me all the time wanting me to make it again and I gave her my recipe for tres leches which is the best damn cake on earth.

She in turn made it for her boyfriend who went nuts over it. Food is used to make or break a deal and the time spent over a meal is a wonderful occasion at the home, especially during the holidays. Food is something we cannot do without so why not enjoy it with friends and family?


Do you like fudge? I am sure you do, everybody loves chocolate and those that don’t are just missing the greatest thing in the world. I love chocolate but the funny thing is after I make something I have no desire to eat it. I really enjoy cooking and baking and tonight I decided to make some “cheater fudge” which is nothing more  than a can of condensed milk, 12 oz bag of chocolate chips and 4 TBS. of butter.

Microwave that puppy and add walnuts and there you go “cheater fudge”. The way I usually make fudge is cooking it and using a candy thermometer and cooking a sugary chocolate mess into the best damn fudge that your palette has been graced with. I make a lot of creme brulee to because I always have egg yolks available.

I like making berry pies and especially like strawberry rhubarb or real blueberry. I haven’t made a pie for myself in o I don’t know how long it’s been. I really enjoy cooking for someone else and sharing the deserts I make with Rick and Lynn, Rick and I are going to join the rec club and start working out.

I know that is funny but seriously I want to get healthier and lose some of these boobs. The boobs are the first to go when losing weight so that is good for me. Every guy loves big boobs and I have no idea why but a boob turns a guy on, lol. Anyway, Rick and I will keep each other in check. Rick said he bought a meter so he doesn’t walk anymore then a mile lol, I told him I was up to three miles a day last year and I want to get back up to that again.

I think I will join the entire family up as Miss Shelby will be coming home soon and Ryan could join me and Rick walking around the track and then we can go swimming. Ryan is my fish, he loves water and has been a water baby since birth-we always have fun in the pool and it’s great excerise.

Cotton Candy Kisses

That is something I really miss, cotton candy kisses we used to get in jr. high. I miss the innocence of the first day and being felt up and down for the first time. I miss kissing so much as it is a recreation I absolutely adore, I could kiss for hours because it is just one of those things that I enjoy.

There are fantastic kissers and terrible kissers, and my husband was a terrible kisser unfortunately. I have been told by a lot of guy that I am a great kisser, no shit it’s the truth and I’m not just saying that to make myself feel good. Kissing is hot and exciting, the act of kissing brings out the romance in a relationship.

I wish to be kissing his lips gently right at this moment, his lips are framed by his goatee and his green eye are mesmerizing. I wish to have my hands on his chest and feel his heart beat. Does his heart beat for me or for another? Will I ever know for sure or always be kept in the dark?


Have you ever connected with someone you have never met? Have you ever had a bond with the person without a face or real name? Have you ever felt so close yet so far to someone? I have, I have felt all three and so much more.

I have thought I had fallen in love with this person but it wasn’t love it was a deep connection I have never felt with another. I have this unbreakable bond with Mr. No name no face and it’s not from my heart but from God’s power that this bond was established.

The bond I speak of is not of this world, no man can build such a bond of such strength that is why I say it is of God. God builds relationships for us and we walk into them and the ground work is already laid before us. I have this bond with “him” and it is all consuming yet not controlling.

He has placed me in the category of sexual pleasurers which I do not care for one bit as sex is not my thing at all. Sex is mundane and leaves you feeling empty, now making love, making love takes you to a depth that most never reach as they know not of love making but primal sex.

I plan to go to NY but that can change on a dime if he doesn’t continue to change the way he talks to me and if he thinks Im so damn pretty then he needs to look further and see that I am a beautiful person inside as well. I am ultra sensitive and do not like to be treated like nothing more than a long distance fuck buddy for him.

He is so secretive that, that concerns me as I really do not know if he is married or has kids or a steady girlfriend. He says no but I am not buying that as I just cannot believe that he has no children, wife or girlfriend it just doesn’t seem normal.

I want so much more and I am in no hurry to go after it as I am the type that is a one man woman and that one man is the one that gives me purpose in so many ways. I do know if he doesn’t make an effort to talk to me on the phone for other than to help him jack off this is coming to a complete halt rather quickly.

He must show an interest in me as a person not a sexual relief voice and I am not seeing a whole lot of that and I do not like it at all. It makes me feel cheap and as if my only reason for existence is for sexual pleasure and that is degrading.

If he has no respect for me then he has none for himself and that is not acceptable to me, he may be used to getting what he wants at any price but I am not and will not continue to accept the level he has placed me at. I have not booked my flight yet and things better change rather quickly like in the next several days or there will be no trip to NY.

He seems like a nice guy but he is arrogant to a degree and I have no desire to meet him and slap the arrogance right out of him. I am not a violent person but I can be pushed only so far and I have my hiking boots on and I am gone.

I do not expect him to “wine and dine” me take me to expensive places and keep me entertained and I’m not asking him to change his life style, his work hours or his personality. I just want to get away and relax for a while that is it.

I will not be his fuck buddy and no I do not have plans of having sex with him which I have no doubt will not go over well with him. I make love, pure and simple and that decides itself when and where it will occur as making love is all consuming, slow, deliberate and caring.

Does he even know what love making really is? I really wonder