Tonight is the last of 2012 and as I leave it I leave so much behind emotionally, I leave so many troubles and problems behind because I was able to work through them, around them or over them. I have grown so much as a person and I see positive weather ahead because I am going into the New Year with a new attitude. I have become much stronger and I have left Bob in the past but I shall never forget him but I will no longer try to do what I thought he would have wanted.
I am living for myself finally and after eighteen years of pretending I am once again the real Kimberly and no one can change that. I know who and what I am and am not and I do not blow smoke up my own ass, first off all I can’t because I am not double jointed and second that just isn’t me. I look forward to getting my business off the ground and bringing in some extra cash because Shelby will no longer have social security coming in as of May and that is two thousand a month that is needed.
I have been setting my mind to put “him” behind me and I just have a feeling that this chart comparison is going to tell me to hang in there and of course I will. I am hoping it tells me that we would never ever work out that way I have something to look back on when I feel myself getting weak at the knees for him. How do you like those little blonde hairs my sweet? LOL, you just would love to dive in face first now wouldn’t you?
As long as I have a face to sit on you will have a place to sit hon, lol I know I am so bad but what can I say, you bring out the naughty in me and when I think of you I smile and sometimes even laugh at some of the things you have done to keep me from moving on and leaving you behind. For some reason you want a piece of me and I have no idea why, maybe it’s because I am real and could care the fuck less who you really are.
I told Frankie that and he got such a kick out of it and he asked me to repeat it later so he could repeat it. I told him don’t go saying that to strange women because they will slap the shit out of him and he thought that was so funny.
The holidays are hard for me because of the memories, that is all I have is memories and reminders. It’s hard to sit alone and think about the good times with fam and you know who will never walk that way again. This is a super tough year for me with the loss of Bob and my dad and it’s lonely and sad.
I look over at my dad’s kodak printer I got him last Christmas, ya I was lucky enough to at least get the printer back. Stupid bitch won’t give me his computer and she thinks that having her daughter delete files is going to keep the info from me. She is so damn stupid she doesn’t know it all can be brought back up.
People wonder why I am angry? Well let me see maybe the list just isnt long enough-Death, death, death more death, scammed, lied to, physically abused and that is just the tip of the list. So am I angry, of course I am but I am trying to defuse this anger because it is hurting me.
There is only one thing that can take away the anger, only one thing that would make me happy and feel better, only one thing that would change my world and my outlook but that one thing eludes me and hides like a cockroach in the daylight. One person that makes me smile is my friend Frankie.
I talked to him today and when I here his voice I can actually see the smile through his eyes. He is just a great person and I can’t wait to meet him and mouse. Eman is in Abuja, ya right and Frankie is in Lagos and my trip will be to Lagos because honestly I want to spend time with a friend, someone who can make my world shine for a week.
There is something about Frankie that is so attractive to me and I really like talking to him. It’s as if he is spiritual like myself and he feels my pain. I just like the guy and that is rare because I do not take to people who quickly but since the first time I heard his voice I knew there was something special about him.
I can’t wait to get off the plane and run into his arms for a huge hug and I can’t wait to get silly with him because he has the funniest laugh and I laugh when I hear him laugh. Those are the people I like to spend time with and those are the type of people who have something unspoken to offer.