Friends

I am always very leery when someone tries to befriend me because I have been burned so many times from people that called themselves my friend. I have also learned never to lend money to friends because they tend to feel that they either don’t have to pay it back or they take their sweet time repaying. I used to be a sucker for a sad story and I would help everyone that asked for it or told me a sad story, which was usually a lie.

There is really only one person I would ever ask to borrow money from and it has never been more than $20.00, just enough to put gas in the car and to pick up milk and bread. I hate asking anyone for help and it is really rare that I do. When my dad was alive he helped me out several times and I always repaid him in the time I told him I would but now that he is gone I have no one that I would ever ask to help me out like he did.

We have to be so careful of those that call themselves our friend because most people are just like leeches as they suck as much out of us as they can get. I feel sorry for wealthy people because they are used by so many and that includes family members as well. I have someone online that says they would like to meet me as a friend and I really question why they would want to be my friend in real life.

There is one person that I would like to meet and see if there was anything to build a friendship on but that is all I would want from him. I have no doubt he has dealt with many that wanted to be his friend so they could prosper from his name and fame. I also have no doubt he is very cautious of who he lets into his life and rightly so because he has had people take advantage of him in the past.

I have to really like someone to be their friend and if I don’t like you then we will never be friends. I am not one to play up to anyone and pretend I like them to be their friend and to take advantage of them. I know I sound to good to be true but I am honest to a fault and anyone that knows me knows that I do not use anyone knowingly and I never reach out to anyone with malice in my heart.

 

Friends

When I was going through a divorce our the majority of our friends decided to choose sides. My husband painted me to be the biggest piece of shit on this earth and “our” friends stood by him. The only friends I only have three friends left that saw the divorce for what it was.

My bf Sue totally gets me and understands me and she doesn’t think I am weird at all because of the things I believe in. Rick and Lynn saw the truth and they knew Bob was lieing about so much. They stood by both of us and didn’t get involved but they always had a ear for me when I needed someone to listen.

My bf Sue is a Scorpio as I am and that is one reason why she understands me so well. She has always listened and given me the best advice and I am so grateful for her. People feel as if they have to choose side which they do not and in the end you no longer want their friendship because you or I guess I should say I can no longer trust in them.

It’s sad the way things end up when you get divorced because you have such great times and memories with your friends. It hurt me so much when my friends chose to support Bob and not me as well but I found out who was really my friend and who wasn’t.

To Many Minnows

I have realized that online dating is to much damn work, first you meet them, then you check them out to find out they are liars. How do I check them out? I have my ways believe me and I do not take anything they say at face value. They will give you their phone number which is for example spring tx and they say they live in let’s say fort meyers fl.

When you do a trace the phone number is located in texas, but their ip address is located in say ireland or luxenburg. That is kind of a dead in your lap clue if there ever was. Check the email address too, found nothing under that name and everyone has something on the net about them under their email.

So here I am holding my dick in  my hands wondering if I am ever going to meet a real live person that isn’t a scammer.

One More Step

Some people get hurt by another and they say they will never let anyone hurt them again like that. That’s the biggest lie we tell ourselves because as humans we require a certain amount of love and affection but when you get hurt you are to afraid to take one more step.

I used to know somebody that hated themselves and  has been gifted with a talent that was used to help many people with. I think I have a bit of understanding why this person denies himself the happiness he wants so badly. I think he has no clue about illness but I do and I have noticed his actions to be one of an ill person.

I am not trying to be mean, no not at all in fact I’m trying to save a life here. He knows what he wants but he allows himself to deny himself of that love. He worries about the erratic behavior and out bursts and is afraid for me to see that side of him so he pushes me away.

He doesn’t realize my mother and my brother is and was mentally ill, my brother had paranoid schizophrenia and I have also dealt with people in life that are ill. He thinks if he keeps hurting me I will go away. Nope that isn’t going to happen because I am not going to reward him for his poor behavior and self image at this time.

No, I am not going away so forget that right now and I do know one thing, when you care for someone you are there for them no matter what the situation. I am always going to be here as his friend and yes I do believe he has an incurable mental illness.

He can continue to be narccistic and deny himself of love and someone who understands where he is at in his own mind. I understand only to well and I am here to tell about it, I hated myself so much that looking in the mirror never happened.

I felt such a heavy emptiness and profound sadness that I walked through the days like a zombie. I couldn’t get myself to do a damn thing. I lost all desire for anything or anybody and I locked myself away from the world so I could lick my wounds.

Well, the most shocking event occurred, I had a break through my mental illness and I have found a way to help myself in moments of stress and anger build up. I have learned not to blow up at people as that only makes the situation worse. I still have my blow-ups but quite infrequently these days, I know about the cold, rainy fall days when one is alone.

Hate yourself all you want, in fact I encourage you to hate yourself as much as you can. Now turn that emotion around and love yourself as much. Couldn’t do huh? Need a little help in that area? You need a good friend not a lover, you have a great friend right here but you are to afraid to reach out for fear of more pain. 

I totally understand those feelings because I lived through them myself. I think it has been best that I had no one in my life because I have been able to focus on my own mental health and become so much better. I reuse to let my illness every run my life again.

The saddest thing in the world is he cannot deny himself of her, he is obsessed with her and follows her everywhere she goes online. He does little things to keep tabs on her even though he is no where near her. He cannot let her go and that is making him feel crazy as well.

I have no plans of sitting down and waiting for him to build up enough character to meet me, hell no girlfriend is not a waiting for no man. God knows what she needs and will care for her and when the time is right, he will come into her life.

He may be waiting at a deli for a lunch, he could be the gas station attendant, hell he could be even you, yes you just have to be willing to take one more step in my direction and then quicken your pace because you were going to run in my direction until you started thinking to much.

I expected you to pull out as the date got closer and I knew you were going to be a no show as that has been a given with you. You are scared out of your wits to meet me and you know that is true. I do not have powers to put a spell on you, I assure you.

If you do not take this opportunity to enrich your life, you may have just given up one of the best things that could have happened to you. I promise you I will not wait but will be here if you need me and I am not mad and I am not crying.

I am working filling that space in my heart that needs love now, yes right this second and I plan on getting it filled. You are going to be really pissed at yourself that you didn’t take advantage of meeting me, go one bury your head in work, like that is going to help you?