A Hope A Dream

I woke up to take Ryan to school and he was up all night sick so he didn’t make it to school, again. I am still sick myself with the intestinal flu. I went back to bed and had the most delightful dream. I seem to have the best dreams after I go back to sleep and they are always so comforting.

I was sleeping in his bed in France and the light was sneaking peeks through the drapes. He was lieing behind me with his arm over my waist. I could feel the warmth of his body and his breath on my neck and I moved his hand from my waist and placed it on my bare breast.

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We were so comfortable and it felt so right to be next to him. There was no sexual arousal, it was just two people feeling secure and happy to be with each other. Both of us needed this time to relax and to recharge for the day ahead and he was going to be leaving for the day shortly.

He repositioned himself and we slowly awoke and he climbed over me to get out of bed and into the shower. My day wasn’t to start for several more hours but the thought of him in the shower made me get up and join him. Both of us stood under the hot water and I soaped up the sponge and began to wash him.

I slowly moved the sponge over his neck and down his chest and then I washed his back and moved back to his crotch and gently washed his erect member. I worked around to his tight butt and washed him delicately. He kissed my neck and put me against the wall and entered me slowly.

This was no hasty sexual act but an act of slow methodical  demonstrative love. We made slow, passionate love and both of us exploded like a bomb. I washed his hair and then bent down and washed his legs and feet as he washed my hair and bathed me. We exited the shower and dried each other off and both of us had that look of mischievous on our faces.

I took off towards the bed and he chased me and as I dove into the bed he followed. We got under the covers and in a comfortable position and we talked about the days events. He got out of bed and I admired his glistening nakedness as he got dressed and then I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing.

I really like dreams like this because it makes me feel safe and secure, he makes me feel safe and secure and just thinking of him puts a smile on my face. I wish he was just a regular guy with a regular job but he isn’t regular in any way shape or form. With all that he has he also goes without the security of knowing that people like him for himself not his title.

People can be rich and famous and others think they have it all but the truth is they have no piece of mind. They always have to protect themselves from users and people who want to capitalize from them. Women have to be analyzed for their intentions and motives as well.

Would I ever want to be rich and famous? No, you may have the fame and all that you want materialistically but you can never be sure if someone likes you for you and nothing more. I have known him for years and the last two is when I discovered who he really is.

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It is difficult for me to know who he is because I feel as if he compares me to all of the other women that want to be with him because of who he is. He doesn’t realize that his fame is a total turn off to me because I have no desire to live that lifestyle, no I am the girl who wants to go back to her youth of happiness living on a farm.

My wedding ring is very beautiful I guess but I am not into jewelry and my daughter wants my ring. I do not know if I should give it to her or not because it does represent her father and I. The ring means nothing to me and holds no memories like it should but the first sign that the marriage wasn’t going to work was the day we got married.

My girlfriend took pictures at the justice of the peace and not a single picture turned out. That represented a black cloud over our marriage to me. Things progressively got more distant as the years went on and we were no more than two ships passing in the night. I look back now and I see my purpose in the marriage was to take care of my husband until he reached heaven.

I did all the required duties and so much more but the marriage lacked the essentials for a happy union. I guess I am a strange  bird because I do not want anyone to support me or pay my bills and take care of my kids. I do not want a fancy house and car and I do not want a closet full of expensive clothes.

What do I want? A small ranch and a garden that I can pick fresh tomatoes, cilantro, garlic and jalapeno peppers. I really like hot sauce and making my own is the best. I just want a simple, happy life and I think that is what he is striving for himself because he has realized long ago the pitfalls of fame.

No matter how my dreams end I will always want him to be happy and healthy and I will always want his happiness, even if it is at the expense of my own. I have such a deep believe in the thought of us as true soul mates and that will never change because it continues to grow stronger year by year.

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Pleeeeeaaaaasssseee

The shower is running and the steam is rolling from the room, you step under the water and it runs down your body but I am nowhere to be found. I want to wash you, kiss you, hold you and comfort you. It is our time soon enough if we hold on and keep the faith, the love that surrounds us is precious and unusual.

Hearts-Desire

We can try to deny the truth of our connection for only so long and then the man steps in and makes it happen. We walk hand in hand as the mist parts for us to have free passage. This is our life, this is our destiny and this is the place we belong but for only so long because we will be one in time.

Do not turn your back, do not close the door, do not run into the dark and stay out of the shadows. I will always protect you, I will always hold you dear to me and I will always be yours and yours alone. I tried to replace you but you have become my restrictor plate, you hold me tight and you push away the others.

You are a lover and you are a dreamer as I, do not deny it because we both know it’s true that you belong to me and I belong to you and you can run but I have a tight hold so do not jump off the cliff of denial because I am attached to your heart and you are attached to mine.

Turning Tables

He is gone, the wind he whistles to me in hopes that I can hear him. He is turning tables on me now, He has left me empty handed and praying to the Lord for help and guidance. He just left, no good byes, no see ya laters, no anything as he just walked out the door leaving his body behind.

His soul flew high and he is soaring high without me and he doesn’t need me any longer but someone else does, I am sure. Every year he was here giving me unwanted presents at xmas and now that I want those household items he isn’t here to give them. Everytime I see a front load washer and dryer I think of him.

Is it stupid? Is it a bit narcissistic? Is it about being confused and uncertain? He watches and laughs as he knows I will find my way somehow and he knows he is tripping me up. He always wanted to trip me up and now he is and he no longer has me chasing pavement, he is gone, his spirit is above.

It’s hard to be without my husband at times and I miss him because I wanted to keep him alive and I tried with every ounce of who I am. I lost battle and the war and he won as he looks down and says “See, I knew you would miss me”. He haunts me and he touches my shoulder as I cry and he says ” honey, I left so the one that should be with you will be with you, don’t give up hope on your dreams because he will come to you and make you so happy”.

I have accepted the fact that my husband did fall for me and loved me. He couldn’t let go of the best thing that ever happened to him. Those are his words not mine, I was a damn good wife and I am a damn good mother regardless of my present circumstances. My husband wants me to move on and let in the love I want so desperately.

He gave me a life pass to search and find myself and the love that should be in my life. He is a kind loving man and he supports me and has let me go long ago. It has always felt like he was there judging me, condemning me, criticising me, when the fact is he only supported me all along.

Express

We keep too much to ourselves and do not express ourselves enough. Everyone should express what they are feeling because nobody can read your mind and I know we expect certain people to be mind readers even though they can never be. Let those emotions out, turn on some music and jam.

Let loose and let the music move through you and go with the flow, it’s fun and it’s daring to let yourself go because we must always be on our best “behavior”. We are always supposed to be so damn prim and proper so for once just let go and enjoy the hell out of yourself, for yourself.

Seriously Now

People move to fast in today’s world and everyone wants everything right now and that includes relationships. I am very cautious of people and relationships because I am afraid to get hurt. “C” and I have spent time together and we talk on the phone and skype all the time.

He’s talking about Christmas and us possibly living together, I haven’t been seeing him a month and he is talking like this. I am not going to live with him, we haven’t even done the deed. Why do people feel so threatened  and think if you are married, living together or are a couple that you and every thing you do should revolve around them.

You cannot control anyone and being in a relationship doesnt  give you the right of control.  “C” is jealous of “him” which is so stupid but it is quite obvious. I told “C” that “he” said he would meet me in vegas in January and we both busted out laughing when I told him. We know that will never happen because “he” likes to play games.

The way things work out for me is I would go to vegas and he wouldn’t show of course and I would end up hurt and disappointed again and I will not let him do that to me. If he wanted to meet me he would make arrangements to do so which would be convenient for me and my safety. Who knows he might be the next one that is into white slavery or something off the wall.

Hook Line

I can’t be with him but all I have to do is close my eyes and we are together and I can imagine his hand touching my cheek, his lips kissing mine and the warmth of his body keeping me warm and safe. He is the one I have waited an eternity for and no one can replace him.

It’s been a long hard road but we have stayed on it against all odds and no one would ever believe the love story we have been writing. When someone controls your every thought and your dreams are romantic dancing, just the two of you and your world smiles when you think of each other, it is a good day.

We have something so unique and special it is so hard to explain or describe. We have a love that is of two best friends and I can talk to him about anything and he can always calm me down and give me peace. He has angelic magic that makes me smile and he makes me laugh so much.

He is someone I cannot describe to you because he is so unique and he is a driven man. He never gives up on anything he wants or anyone and he never walks away from a challenge because that is what he lives for. He needs a challenge and he needs to stay stimulated or his life is boring.

Thy Honor

I have never met or spoke with someone famous, that I can remember anyway, not that it would have made a difference in my life. If you met someone famous would you brag about it on facebook to your peeps or call all of your friends? Would you still brag if you knew that you could hurt the famous badly?

Famous people are only elevated by people not heaven and they put their pants on the same way as a non famous person. You have no idea if they are going through a divorce, could lose their children or visitation. You have no idea what you have done to hurt someone who is innocent.

My friends went to Toronto for our senior break and my mom asked me if I wanted to go to Mexico instead. She didn’t ask, no she manipulated me because she wanted to go on a vacation so of course I caved in. We went to Acapulco and that is where I met Tino, he had great eyes and long dark hair and a smile for days.

We had a great time and fell asleep on the beach and when I went back to the hotel in the morning my mother called me a slut, whore, trash ect. the best part of the trip was walking in the door at home so I could get away from her. Tino made me fall for latino man because he was so nice, funny, silly, romantic and all the cotton in the candy.

I have no desire to hurt anyone and if I ever did meet someone famous I think they would be a bit taken aback at my lack of interest in them. I cannot see any point in being interested in someone because of who they are because even the famous have problems in their relationships.

The Michael Lick

I got my puppies yesterday and what a riot! Michael and Gabriel, my Archangels are just adorable. Ryan held them all the way home and now Michael is crazy for Ryan. They have the best personalities and Michael is the adventurous one and Gabriel follows him but he is more laid back.

Puppy love is wonderful therapy and the change in Ryan is phenomenal and I am surprised that he is being so responsible and taking care of them. He thinks it’s great that Michael has chosen him over me and that is fine because Ryan is laughing and playing with them and I haven’t seen Ryan this happy since he was a baby.

 

When we got home Ryan was sitting on the couch and Michael started licking his face and Ryan just laughed and laughed. He is really enjoying these little guys and I am to. I am never amazed how pets are wonderful therapy for anyone and those fighting depression cannot hold back their empathy for these little guys

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I have also noticed the smaller the dog the depressed person is liable to be more taken by the puppy. I think the reason for this is they are so small that you automatically feel they need to be protected. I have steps for the puppies because if they jump off the couch they could really hurt a leg.

These little guys warm the cockles of my heart and make me smile. These little ones are my angels and they are a great investment for me. Investing in your own happiness is important and that is what I am doing, finally investing into my own happiness, and no I do not feel one bit guilty.

 

Ungrateful

There are two types of people in this world, those that work their ass off and those that follow the one that has worked his ass off. People like to always have someone to follow and they like to be associated with someone who is a shaker and maker. The leader usually doesn’t get the recognition they feel they should.

Most leaders are never recognized for their efforts and it make you mad and sometimes you just have to walk away and regroup. Everything we do has a reaction that follows it and you have to remember that one day you will be rewarded for your efforts. Sometimes, the right person is watching and that makes a huge difference in our lives.

We can be headed in one direction our entire lives and all of a sudden what you used to do is boring and mundane and your life heads in a completely different direction. People that are making changes that eventually trickles down to help or change others lives in a positive way eventually get what they strive for and so much more.

It is so rare to have someone notice your hard work and it is nice to notice this person and tell them how much you appreciate them or what a great job they did. It is a good thing that so many are self driven and will do what they have to, to complete their task at hand. Sometimes, you don’t have anyone to pat you on the back except yourself, so pat away!

Us Anew

“C” and I had a good talk today and we cleared the air and I explained how I feel about letting him know about my current set of problems. I have told him how bad things have been and I told him about the other “him”.

He has been so supportive and he would really like the other “him” to go away and let him try to make life fun for me again. He knows I was scammed and that the scammer still contacts me regularly and he wants me to close my facebook, which isn’t a bad idea.

I like my fb but if I have to close it to get him out of my life then I guess I have to close it. It’s not like I have real friends on there, I have one and he is an old boyfriend from high school. His wife died of cancer and with Bob dieing of cancer as well, we have a common bond.

I like “C” a lot and he is so damn handsome with that long dark hair and those eyes, those damn eyes are gorgeous and I think it’s time to get physically close. I just need that touch from another body and I do not mean sex.

I like being naked and feeling skin on skin and yes I want to have sex with him and I have no reason not to now do I? I believe it’s time to let a man in my life and my body and I am so attracted to him that holding back is so damn hard.

I like spooning naked and feeling a man against my tailbone, I enjoy a man’s arm resting on my breasts and I enjoy the smell and feel of a man. I have denied myself this wonderful pleasure for many years but this week that will all change, finally.

I do know that once we have sex there will not be anyone else in my life, not online, not on facebook no where because I cannot be involved totally when there is a distraction. So I am eliminating all distractions and moving forward with this wonderful man.