The Wish Of Christmas

My wish for Christmas is that my children stay healthy and know that I love them. My wish of Christmas that I may touch people in a helpful and positive manner. I want not for myself because what I want and need cannot be purchased and comes with no price tag. I just want those that are grieving to know we grieve together.

We may feel we are alone at times but we are never truly alone as our loved ones are with us. I know those that have moved on never forget us and they look down upon us with love and hope for our happiness. It is difficult to be without family and the holidays are terribly lonely without them but we must remember the joy we brought into each other’s lives.

The tear you shed today comes back to you in the form of a hug you cannot see and a kiss you can feel but lips you cannot see. Hold tight to those good memories and be thankful you had the time you did with that person. Be thankful you have family and those of us that do not, let it be known we hold hands and are together.

Tears Of Holiday

This is the first Christmas without my dad and the second Christmas without my husband. I quit enjoying holidays the year I got married. Watching my kids open gifts was always a delight but when that was over I considered the day over and I was always glad. Tears of Holidays follow me like my shadow and I always cry these days over the empty, lost feeling of being alone on the holidays.

My kids have their own agenda and the closest I have been to my son in quite a while was tonight when both of us ran for the bathroom, him to puke and me, well there are certain foods that shoot through my system like a cannon. I do have to laugh because he puked all over the toilet, himself and me and I shit all over myself.

We didn’t know which smelled worse but both of us ended up taking showers, like yesterday. It just amazes me how we have four bathrooms but we seem to always use the one. I wonder if that is the case in most homes or is this just another oddity to this household.

I do not have a single decoration up or a Christmas tree and I just do not have any desire to celebrate the holiday’s because there is nothing for me to celebrate. Do I celebrate my dad’s death? My husband’s? No, I celebrate nothing even though Christmas has nothing to do with us or buying presents.

 

Nick

The Beach Boys were very popular when I was like 5 or 6 and Christmas just wasn’t Christmas without this song. 

We were living with my grandparents on their farm and Christmas morning was always so exciting, as it should be for kids. My grandparents pinned our stockings to the back of the couch because we had no fireplace. They would be filled with walnuts, apples and oranges so of course we never bothered with them, lol.

I can remember listening to Little St. Nick in my nightgown watching the snow fall and opening presents. Christmas was as it should be, fun, exciting and filled with love and laughter. It’s been many years since I have felt that way about Christmas and I do not know if I will ever feel that way again.

Holidays are for families and I have spent several holidays all by myself with a microwave dinner and tv. It’s a lonely place to be by yourself on a holiday and it makes you really appreciate your loved ones. I would so love to spend a holiday with someone who loved me for me but that has yet to happen, minus my children of course.

Christmas Reality

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As a young girl I remember a movie about xmas that I have seen only once but I still remember it. I was about eight years old and it there was a blizzard outside. I was holed up in my night-gown drinking hot chocolate, the kind you made on the stove.

The story was about a boy about my age who lived in the ghetto’s of New York and his family had no money for Christmas. This little boy found this cat and fell in love with it and the corner store owner ended up giving this little boy tuna fish to feed his cat.

That’s all I can remember about the story but it has stuck with me all these years. The kindness of one can make another’s world so bright and gay. It would be nice if people didn’t wait for the holidays to do good things for others but I will take whatever is offered in this world at this time.

I wish I could remember the name of that movie because I would so like to watch it again. There are some movies that have such an impact on us we never forget them. This movie is a real eye opener to the kindness of man and to see it again would be so delightful.

Seriously Now

People move to fast in today’s world and everyone wants everything right now and that includes relationships. I am very cautious of people and relationships because I am afraid to get hurt. “C” and I have spent time together and we talk on the phone and skype all the time.

He’s talking about Christmas and us possibly living together, I haven’t been seeing him a month and he is talking like this. I am not going to live with him, we haven’t even done the deed. Why do people feel so threatened  and think if you are married, living together or are a couple that you and every thing you do should revolve around them.

You cannot control anyone and being in a relationship doesnt  give you the right of control.  “C” is jealous of “him” which is so stupid but it is quite obvious. I told “C” that “he” said he would meet me in vegas in January and we both busted out laughing when I told him. We know that will never happen because “he” likes to play games.

The way things work out for me is I would go to vegas and he wouldn’t show of course and I would end up hurt and disappointed again and I will not let him do that to me. If he wanted to meet me he would make arrangements to do so which would be convenient for me and my safety. Who knows he might be the next one that is into white slavery or something off the wall.

The Empty Chair

I was so hoping to have a nice dinner with my kids and James but Ryan didn’t take his meds last night and I saw them today and he took them before I could stop him. Of course he passed out because he has pills for sleeping and so as it goes he fell asleep on the couch and Shelby, James and I had dinner.

The fourth chair sat empty and I avoided looking at that chair because I didn’t want to think about Bob but it was a distraction none the less. This is the second Thanksgiving without Bob and that is a good thing because the second holidays without your spouse is kind of  a landmark for healing.

The first holidays are always the roughest and the second ones you seem to “remember when” and for me it has been easier than the first one for sure. These are mile stones I need before I can move on completely and I am glad I am not in a serious relationship because these are things I need to do myself and for myself.

No one can ever feel what you feel or think what you think and that is exactly why this is my “healing time”. I have to heal myself before I can let myself get seriously involved with anyone. Once I get past this year and the kids birthdays there will only be Bob’s birthday, Shelby’s graduation and our anniversary.

Once I am past those occasions then I will feel much better about getting seriously involved. I would like to meet someone and have a long distant relationship because I would like to know someone slowly. A long distant relationship would give me time to adjust to someone in my life and give both of us a chance to get to know each other while we continued to work on our own lives.

I want to have a lasting relationship and I think working on one slowly gives both people breathing room and not feel pressured. I am not one that is happy to skip down the aisle anytime soon if ever again. I would like to have an open relationship for a while until both of us feel we want to be exclusive.

Leg For One

I have to put Turkey Tom into the sink of cold water so he will thaw properly. People leave their turkey out on the counter to that which is a terrible way. Fridge or potable water, potable water is clean water, I know that is common sense but you never know how many people will thaw out on the counter top.

Thanksgiving always ends up cracking me up because I know there will be quite a few necks and gizzards cooked in their own bag inside of that bird. People do not know to feel inside that bird for those food items, I boil them for the cat or dog but Bob used to like to eat the neck, my great grandmother did the same thing with chicken.

I have a nice size bird which is actually stupid of me because I will set the table for one and pull out this beautifully cooked bird and wonderful dinner and I will no doubt fill my plate and look at three empty chairs and I will burst out in tears and push my plate away. Damn, I miss my family so much and holidays makes it even tougher

I could go out to eat but that just isn’t Thanksgiving for me, I like the visual and the smells and  I really miss my conversations with different family members and it gets so damn lonely. I push the sadness out of my mind and try to find a movie to watch, I prefer movies because they have no commercials and I like action movies.

It will probably rain on Thanksgiving which will make it so much worse because I love to lie in bed when it is raining and I wish “C” was going to be here but he can’t. 

Wrong Thought

Most people have no idea what it means to let other’s know they love them because they always think those people will be there. I have learned how precious time is when I lost my entire family in the last five years. Do you have any idea what it feels like to make Thanksgiving dinner and you are the only eating it?

Do you have any idea what it is like to be in front of the tv or computer eating dinner alone? Do you have any idea what it is like to spend holidays alone? I’m not even putting up an xmas tree this year and didn’t last year either because no one cares, the kids don’t care and I cannot do it alone so I don’t bother.

The holidays no longer are fun or exciting for me and the most excitement I have had this month is chatting with some guys on topface.  Of course they are all lieing and probably scammers and that is one thing I have “him” to thank for. I have learned so much about scammers that I have to be thankful to him.

I no longer get scammed and I no longer believe anything anyone says to be online. I invited Mr. Soccer for Thanksgiving dinner, do you think he will fly in from Dubai? I have no doubt he will and I have even washed sheets for his arrival, NOT. These guys think I fell off the turnip truck but they do not know the truth, I own the truck.

Never Single

When people ask me what my marital status is I am not sure how to answer. Am I a widow, a deceased man’s wife or am I single? How can I be single but have children-wouldn’t that make me a three-pack? I will never put my children aside for a man, they are all I have and I am all they have.

My family all decided they like hanging together at the cemetery and I will be sitting here by myself on Thanksgiving because I want my daughter to have a “normal” Thanksgiving where there is a real dinner and pies.

I have lost my desire to cook or bake and that is not a good sign. I adore baking and cooking and I get such pleasure from feeding other’s. This year will be an empty lonely day that I am still waiting for this surprise to show up on my doorstep.

I haven’t told you about the surprise? Several weeks before my birthday (which I spent alone) on November 9-someone contacted me on my facebook I think and said they had a surprise for me. Well, true to form no surprise showed up, like I am stifling my shock, right?

I really need to learn not to let myself look forward to things because it never happens. The surprise lie package I call it. No surprises come my way because they are either non existent or I already know about them, ya it’s called psychic ability.

Just Another Fantasy

Through out our lives we fantasize about so many different things and the number one is love, all of us want and need love. The internet has broken up more marriages than can be counted and we search for our fantasy online now.

I did just that, and yes I found my fantasy but that was all it was, just a faceless name, a scammer, liar, a con. The sad thing is he is a good person trying to redeem himself and only God knows if that is possible.

I do not judge him as I do not wish to be judged but he gave me what I needed when I needed it but God says to me, “Kimberly go after the real thing” and that is what I am doing. I am no longer satisfied with a random phone call or talking to one of numerous aliases online.

I wish him nothing but love, peace, joy and acceptance of himself for who he is and be thankful for the life he has had. Maybe he will remember me fondly and maybe he won’t but I do not worry about.

It’s a sad ending to a person I love but everything and everyone meets their demise eventually and this “relationship” has ran it’s course. I have let it go with the wind as if it were a leaf and it will land elsewhere and go back into the earth.

I am not someone who wishes ill upon others and I am always happy when they achieve their goals, win something or have something wonderful happen to them. I am not envious of anybody and do not wish to have more than I do .

I once let money lead my life but since I have lost my entire family I have realized that having a full table at Thanksgiving is more important than a fancy car, home and a bank full of paper.

My priorities have changed over the years and I have grown so much as a human being that I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved by myself and for my family. I will never be one to want a man to support me other than emotionally and no I don’t want anything more than love and inner peace.