The Year Of Nots

She woke up Christmas morning and blinked twice as she listened to her dogs wanting to go out. She turned over in bed and thought to herself “another day another empty holiday.” This was the year of nots, not a happy valentines day, not a happy easter, not a happy birthday, not a happy Thanksgiving and definitely not a Merry Christmas.

They just had no desire to decorate or even put up a tree and she had bought her daughter a new television the month before. Her son wanted for nothing but a few shirts with league of legends characters. 

She got out of bed and let the boys out and she thought to herself that this was not the way a holiday should be. The kids had gotten her nothing and there were no presents under the tree because there had been no tree this year.

She got dressed and took the boys for their morning walk which was just short of four miles. She then gave her son the package with the shirts she had ordered for him and gave her daughter a planner that she had wanted.

She sat on the couch feeling nothing, absolutely nothing-no sadness, no anger, nothing – not a single emotion. She then got up and put the turkey breast in the oven and a while later she put the potatoes in the oven.

The triple berry pie had been made the night before and she had also made a chocolate cake. The turkey was finally done and she removed it from the oven and let it rest while the dinner rolls baked to a beautiful golden color.

She texted her on which was the standard form of communication between them as he was totally addicted to league of legends. He played the game from morning until night and only came out of his room to use the bathroom or to eat.

They each had a place to sit to eat dinner, her son went to his bedroom as usual, she sat on one couch and her daughter sat on the other. The family co-existed under one roof but the family dynamic had changed long ago.

Her daughter’s boyfriend came and picked her up and she sat on the couch by herself for hours, which was common for her. Her son came downstairs to get a piece of pie and they chatted about the day she had found out about her husband didn’t death.

They didn’t cry and her son had such a vivid memory of what had taken place that day. She on the other hand had forgotten so much and it was no doubt do to the shock of everything she had learned.

Mother and son chatted and walked down memory lane until the son was ready to return to his online game. Mother was left wanting to forget the conversation and to move on. She wanted to open herself up to the new man that was so very interested in her.

They had the same ideals and felt the same way about so many things  but she was afraid to let him get close to her. She was so afraid of getting hurt and even more afraid that the man she had waited for, for so long would finally  come knocking on her door and she would end up hurting the new man.

She hated hurting anyone and she hated hurting herself and all she wanted was to get through the holidays and finally find some peace of mind, some happiness. She was in need of love and a friend and she was finally going to allow someone to be a friend at least.

Boxed I

Have you ever met someone and didn’t like them and you were mean or ignored them only later to meet them again and be attracted to them? Maybe you stole something from them and later found yourself so attracted you couldn’t let go? Don’t you hate when things like that happen?

What have you done to yourself? You have boxed yourself in and it’s hard to redeem yourself in the other persons eyes. You spent hours trying to figure out how you can get this person to forgive you and get some of their attention. I have never had that happen, lol but I have had that happen to guys and they seem to have this desire to be with me.

I can remember when I was around 21 I went to the bar with some friends to celebrate my birthday and one friends boyfriends friend was an annoying ass. My girlfriend went home with her boyfriend and had his friend give me a ride home. What a night, he drove a vet and decided to show me how fast it went, lmao.

He ended up going to jail that night for speeding and drunk driving and I drove his vet to my house. He picked up his car the next day and exactly one year later he called me to wish me happy birthday and to ask me out. It’s funny how people remember me at the oddest times.

Someone I know has been trying to redeem themselves and I wish they would stop because it’s water under the bridge, dirty panties in the wash and the wet spot has dried. I have long ago forgiven him and I get pissed at times because I felt like I was spinning my wheels with him.

I think I have a better understanding why he has done what he has done and why he has stood behind the green door for so long. I do hope I am right because it makes me like him much more because I am not left up to think the worse.

 

Forget Me Forget You

You will get tired of the dating games and when you do look me up, maybe I will still be available who knows? You better step up if you dont want me to forget you forever and yes that will happen as I have finally met someone that has my interest but I am giving you a chance before I open up to him. Once I let him into my life and my bed you will no longer be anything to me, not even a memory. It’s up to you but I wouldn’t wait any longer to contact me if you really want me and if you don’t o well.

When someone insists on contacting you on the internet constantly but can’t remember to say happy birthday to you then they are no friend or any kind of companion. It’s another quiet evening at home and the kids made me a cake but he couldn’t even call me and wish me a happy birthday.

Does it hurt? Sure it hurts but it has only solidified the closing of the door and I really no longer want to keep going on this way and I will not continue with his games. Today has come and gone as tomorrow will do the same and the day after that and each day will get easier until he isn’t even a faded memory.

You can ignore me on important dates but I can ignore and write you off as easy as writing a check that is going to bounce because of you. I have a long memory a very long memory and when someone hurts me I really do not have much trouble disposing of them from my life.

In turn, I can give the world and all the love someone could ever want or need and wasting it on someone who makes no time for me is a complete waste of what I have to offer. I am special in my own unique way and I will not let anyone make me feel less than I am and that is how he has been making me feel.

Why do we try to hang on to things or people who do not want us? Why do we waste time on people who are more impressed with themselves than anything else. I am finally getting my head in the right place and it doesn’t include him. His birthday is February 1 and I am sure he will be spending with someone new.

Hasn’t he figured out that he isn’t all that and that is why he can’t keep a healthy relationship? I don’t have a relationship because my husband died last year and I haven’t dated. He only the other hand can’t get back the woman he wants because she doesn’t want him romantically, he is nothing more than a friend to her but he can’t see that.

I don’t want him as a friend let alone a lover any longer, he doesn’t know me anymore than I know him but I do know I am not a thief or a liar, I am not a user or need my name in lights like he does and as far as I am concerned he has lost one of the best friends he has ever had.

This is the beginning of my life getting him out of it and if he thinks I will change my mind he doesn’t know me at all. You cannot trifle with my emotions because I do not take kindly to superficial crap from anyone. He has cut his nose off spite his face and he will one day regret all that he has done.

The Perfect Birthday

When you have kids your birthday is usually an after thought or the kids need to be reminded. My birthday will be like any other day, the kids want to come home to hot homemade food and yes I am supposed to make a birthday cake for myself and dinner. I don’t mind because I love to cook and bake.

It would be nice if someone would make the day a tiny bit special for me but that never happens and I doubt it ever will. I am not into presents because I feel embarrassed when I received them. I do not know when this started but I have felt this way as long as I can remember.

Now I love to give gifts for others and watch them open them because I always manage to buy cool shit, don’t ask me how I just manage to do it. Maybe that is part of my unique personality, lol. I like to make special days special for others and for once I would love to have someone make my day super special.

I would so love to go downtown with the man I love and enjoy the city at night for a change or even lay in bed and watch a movie and order in pizza. I just want to spend one night with the man I love and I would be happy, so damn happy for a change. Why do people feel like they need to see each other everyday?

I don’t need to have a relationship with someone and see them everyday or every week for that matter. Why can’t we just see each other when it’s convenient for both? Why do we have to play these stupid little games of pretending we are not who we really are? Let’s just enjoy the time we can be together and let it fall as it may?

If someone says they love you doesn’t that mean they would want to be with you? Want to hold you, kiss you, make love to you? Doesn’t that mean they want to laugh like children and be carefree without boundaries or any type of restrictions? Why can’t life be simple instead of people making it complicated?

So come to me and make me smile and I will make you laugh, we can be stupid silly together and enjoy the hell out of this life instead of getting tied up with work and the pressures of daily living? Won’t you please come to me? on me? for me? Hell just come for my birthday please.

Just Another Friday

Friday is my fifty-third birthday and it will have the same lack luster as every other day. My mother hasn’t sent me a birthday card in over thirty years and she never calls either. My kids won’t think much of it either but my daughter will say happy birthday to me and maybe my son will remember as well.

I know I shouldn’t expect anything and I don’t not really but it would be nice to have the man I love acknowledge my birthday with something besides a call. I am not greedy, I just would like to see a little appreciation from him that he at least cares. I simple birthday card can say so much.

Will he do anything to let me know he at least cares? No, he will do what he does every year, nothing. So why do I waste my time loving him? Damn good question and I ask myself that same question a lot lately. He said to me last night that my son and I are basically a mess.

Fuck you, is exactly what I said back, we are a mess? Look at yourself and see how damn happy you are, you aren’t happy at all and submerge yourself into work. I don’t care anymore because when you say anything about my kids you have basically severed all ties with me.

If I meant half as much to him as he claims then he would be here with me and not say a damn thing about my child. I am responsible for my  kids and bringing them into this world and when you say anything negative about them or myself you can just go screw yourself, that is fighting words and severing ties words.

Throw You Away

Here it is another day

I have tried to throw

You away

But for some reason

I want you to stay

Even though you 

Hurt me day after day

You say you love me

So make me see

Is it you or

Is it we?

Do you feel for me

Or am I fooling myself

I think I finally see

I am a fool

That you rule

Ripping out my heart

Not making me part

Of your life

Or your dream

Is this the way it 

Really is or the 

Way it may seem?

Multi Colors

Have you ever completely shut out the world, closed your eyes open your arms wide and whirl in a circle feeling life? Have you ever noticed how the world is multi colored? Have you ever stood in the center of no where and just enjoyed the serenity of the moment?

Bet you haven’t done any of the above and think I am  a freak of nature. Well, that is really sad because absorbing the beauty that is before us and doing it away from everyone else gives you a new perspective on what is really important in your life. All the crap is weeded through and the important things comes bubbling up to the surface of the brain.

The world is such a beautiful place and I am not so sure that it is round, I mean all I have done is read that it is round but have no proof. It’s like we have been taught Christopher Columbus discovered America this is a lie, he did no such thing as he was the second man to discover America.

I think there is beauty within every person, even the ones I have no use for. We are all beautiful beings with a purpose and a mission and do not believe otherwise. Do an act of kindness today and see how it feels, it feels good and it is rewarding. It would be so nice if there was a day specific for random kindness.

I know I am a dreamer and dreamers appear to be flighty and flakey and maybe I am but that’s ok because being flaky requires butter so butter me up and eat me.