Home

Just like Dorothy said in the wizard of oz there is no place like home, nothing is as familiar or comforting as being home. I like to travel but I like to return home because I feel safe at home, I feel protected and it is comforting. My bed is my favorite place to be because it’s warm, soft and I have some of the best dreams and sometimes the worse nightmares, yes even I have nightmares.

Home is where family is, where real love is and where are pets are and home is being wrapped in one of my grandmother’s homemade quilts and recipes of childhood are made. Home is where I walk in the door and the cats and dogs are thrilled to see me, feel my arms around and feel the love I have for them. Home is a safe haven away from the cruel world and all of the evil in it.

Home is where my babies grew up, scrapes on knees from learning to ride a bike, broken bones from falling off a chair and where graduation was a monumental day. Home is where the kids are growing up and leaving me behind as they find their way in life. Home is where memories are made and home is where we can cry without fear of retribution begins.

Home is also a lonely place, a tomb of death at times and losses have stacked up like books in a corner. Home is where it all begins and home is where we all go at the end of the day. Home is our castle, our escape and where we think of our future path, our destiny’s and home is the ultimate safe haven for most of us. There truly is no place like home, now is there?

Where Is He?

Where is my little boy? What happened to him? Where did he go? Big Rick just called and checked up on me and we talked of Ryan. Big Rick reminded me how Bob never did anything with our son, he doted on Shelby and Ryan took a downhill slide at five.

How can this happen? How can such a loving child turn on his mother? How could he hurt me the way he did? The pain goes beyond the heart and is incomprehensible but something in me died that night, something I cannot bury, see or touch. You cannot imagine the pain your child can bring to you.

I want to die or maybe I already did and this is what is left. There is no perfect child and when the parents do not do their part then the child suffers. I suffer, I have no answers, Ryan is severely depressed and suicidal and he cannot find his way and I cannot show him.

FAILURE, EMPTY WALLS, NO BEAUTY OR LOVE for this child of mine? Why is this to be? What am I to learn? Must I learn to walk away to save myself? There is no hope or prayer that can save what is left of us as mother and son. He betrayed me in the worse way and I am broken, in fact shattered.

Peeps Around The World

I found this song and it immediately made me think of my grandmother, brother, aunt, dad and husband. These are all of my family that has passed in the last five years. I miss all of them each and every day and pray that maybe one day I will have a family again.

I do not know you but I am sharing this song with you and hoping you have wonderful holidays!!!! Thank all of you for following and reading my blog and all I have learned from you.

 

Try Me Please

Tomorrow I head back to court for the felony charge of entering my deceased dad’s home to get documents. Long story and boring but tomorrow should be the beginning of the end. The trial will last for two days my attorney has told me and he asked me what the pictures were of that the prosecutor had.

The pictures were of the documents I needed to settle my dad’s estate and then there was the bag of my dad’s ashes. Doris lied to me about my dad’s ashes, she said he wanted to be buried on the highest mountain and on his farm. This is a lie and there is nothing written in his will about that.

Those ashes belong to me not her and it is very upsetting for me to see them in a picture when I was going to put him to rest. This woman is greedy and a thief, she steals from the elderly and manipulates them into giving her their things and money. The relationship was one of convenience and she wanted my dad to marry her but he refused.

I just want to get this over with because I want to leave the states on a vacation and I need to clear this mess up first and then I am suing the shit out of the cops and Doris. I am fighting for what is my children’s as well as mine and with no family left all I have is family heirlooms.

Yo Ma

My sons friends think I am a cool mom, lol they come in and grab a cookie or whatever is on the counter and say “yo ma” how’s it going? They act like they have known me forever and it is so funny that they feel so comfortable around me. These kids all are going thru those years of hell and if I can make their day then so be it.

The nice thing is if I need help I just have to ask and they help me, they are cool kids and they are cheap entertainment, lol. I am also keeping up on what my kid is doing as well. I told the boys if they give my kid any drugs besides weed I would kick their mother f-ing asses and they know I would too.

These kids know what my family has gone through because they went to school with Ryan and the gossip runs ramped in schools. Dakota asked me how I was doing the other day, how thoughtful and he also asked me how I have managed to survive this long, lmao.

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He thinks I am wonder woman and is impressed with me not having a break down. These kids look at my life and they are grateful for theirs. I don’t care who you are, if you are an adult you have had at least one time when you wanted to be a kid again.

Blog Calling

I know this is terrible of me but I am sitting at dinner with “C” and I am posting on my blog. He thinks I am writing a letter to my attorney, wow what a bitch I am. I like “C” a lot but he isn’t able to keep my attention for to long, he doesn’t have anything interesting to talk about that grabs my attention.

I just got an inquiry about my rv, I put it up on ebay, hell I would put you  up on ebay if they let me, lol. I am really having a lot of fun with ebay and amazon because I am easily amused, lmao. I have shipped several items to Israel which is expensive but they pay the shipping.

All he talks about is sports non stop which is boring as hell and he talks about his kids non stop. I don’t mind talking about either but you can wear out a topic. He was asking me where I would like to go on my honeymoon, and I am like what honeymoon? He started tip toeing around the subject and I made it clear to him there shall never be another binding ring on my finger.

He keeps insisting I will change my mind someday and I will realize I “need” a man, like hell I do. He keeps asking me to let him take care of me, he makes me feel like a wounded animal, damn.

 

Nickels And Dimes

I have spent the better part of today adding stuff on amazon and ebay and wrapping books to ship tomorrow. I spent several weeks getting all of my books together and anything I can sell instead of giving it away. Last week and this week have brought in over 200 dollars which is always needed.

I am selling as much stuff as I can because I do not want it and when I move it will be so much easier. I have this huge house that I cannot maintain any longer or keep clean. My husband was fanatical about cleaning because he had nervous energy and he was always in the wheelchair in the house.

Two things my husband was awesome at was keeping the house clean and driving us places. I hate driving, absolutely hate it because I do not like speed limits and cleaning house is a waste of time because I have other things to do that are more important to me. I really cannot wait to sell this house and selling all the crap makes me money plus eliminates crap I do not need.

My son wants the money from his kinnect and other stuff but he seems to forget he just got a 130 dollar speeding ticket, which he will pay for. I am not going to make life easy for him and he is going to have to learn he has to pay for his mistakes just as all of us have to.

I hope Ryan gets a girlfriend at his new school because that would make him feel so good about himself. There is no way my kids meet anyone until Ryan has someone who will love him and he loves her back. The first girlfriend/boyfriend makes a huge difference in a kids life and his happiness is my happiness.

 

Panic Over Seas

Long distance relationships can put a lot of pressure on you if you let them but they need not be stressful at all if you look at the relationship logically. The first thing you have to take into consideration is any children of either party and then you have to consider family.

I do not have to worry about family because they are all have passed and it’s me and my children. I do not want anyone to move to the states to be with me because they do not have to. If their work is overseas then it is best to live overseas for the most part and then one has to look at the taxes.

I wouldn’t want him to move here because I don’t want to live here, lol. I am moving after Ryan graduates and I want to live over seas somewhere or another country and I am leaning towards latino countries because of personal believes. I think it is best that we take this real slow and get to know each other.

Sometimes people panic and say things to keep the person in their life but they should be careful of their promises and statements. There is no reason we can’t spend time together on the weekends or when he is alone and when a little one is visiting, I do not or he doesn’t visit me.

I am not one to want to bring children into a relationship for quite some time because  the scares  kids have are deep already and I am not one to want to rattle anyone’s cage. Children get very protective of their opposite parent and I know my son is very protective of me.

The thing about kids is they tell everything and there are no secrets. When I was separated I tried to drive into the kids that my life was mine and do not go back to dad and tell him what I am doing, it is none of his business. Don’t you know they couldn’t wait to tell him every little thing I did.

I know there will be problems if things work out and the x always has their two cents to put into the jar. I have no interest in being a problem for anyone and I definitely do not deal with x wives. I didn’t know her before and I do not know what happened in their relationship nor do I care to want to really know.

I think if we can make it through the first six months then we are doing well enough to go to the next level if things are working for everyone involved. I am a giver and I will do what ever needs to be done to make my relationships happy for everyone.

I do not ever expect to be put before kids unless they are adults then that is a completely different situation. I know how important a child/father/mother relationship is and our children are only children once and how we act shapes their world. We have to always be mindful of our kids and if we are things will work out beautifully.

I can live anywhere and I can go long periods without seeing someone if we keep in contact by phone or computer and I also see a huge changing coming into his life which is employment related, how he brings in money will change drastically and he will do very well for himself.

I do not want him to support me or my children and the nicest gift he could ever give me is a house keeper for a month, lol. My back is so bad that it hurts so much to bend and pick up around the house. I want us both to feel that we have our freedom but we are also one and I know both of us will have to make sacrifices, but it’s one day at a time, baby.

Kid Silly

I do some really silly things because that is how I roll and one of those things involves whip cream in a can. Today’s kids go into the grocery and get high off of the gas inside the can but I chose to eat it, lol. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about that can of cream in the fridge waiting just to be squirted.

I like squirting whip cream into my mouth and I like to spray in on a man and lick it off. I like to squirt it on the puppies noses and watch them lick it off. Whip cream is fun and tastes good and now they even make it in chocolate, be still my beating heart. I chased Ryan around with the can and sprayed him, lol.

You have to do silly things with your kids because life is always so serious and these silly moments make us laugh. Ryan was running around the house and then he would reverse and go the other way, making it hard for me to catch him. I like the sound of laughter from my kids and I really like when we can laugh together.

Foodie 101

I am a foodie, I love everything about food from planting that first seed to serving it at the table. One would think I eat a lot but the truth is I do not. When I go out to eat I am hungry and I order a lot of food but I can never get past the soup or salad. I enjoy preparing food for others and knowing they are eating something they have never tried excites me.

When I was a child I drank milk right from the teet and eggs freshly laid without worry of getting sick. We can no longer eat our foods that way and safety is up to ourselves. I am fanatical about washing fruits and veggies and cooking most meats to the proper temperature.

Temperatures are not the only thing we must concerns ourselves with and I was reminded of that yesterday. Ryan and James decided to make a cake from box and Ryan told James not to lick the beaters because of salmonella. I was impressed that my son remembered the dangers of raw egg.

I have had food poisoning one time and it was terrible, my stomach hurt so bad and when I wasn’t throwing up I was shitting like a goose and sometimes it was simultaneously and it really left a shitty mess.