Paradise Secret

All of us have our dreams but how many of us have sat down and mapped out their secret paradise? I have and long ago I started building my secret paradise in my mind. I have refined that secret within me and I find I am happier every time I go to my secret paradise.

My place is one of naked love and freedom, respecting myself and the man I am with to have trust and both of us living our lives together but separately. He does what he needs to and if that means he is gone for a month at a time then so be it, if it means he needs to be with his family then I encourage that as well because siblings and parents need to stay connected.

My paradise is a ranch home with black raspberry bushes and a summer garden, my paradise is taking care of my children until they are on their own and then I want to be with the one I love. I do not want to get married but I would if he wanted me too because men are like that, they like predictability and security as well as women.

I do not need to be married because I totally trust my partner and I have always felt that if you aren’t happy do not cheat just pack up and leave. I do not have time to cheat because my focus is on keeping the one I love happy and yes that is a full time job because relationships don’t fix themselves.


Knowledge Man

Our parents shape who we look for in a mate and when you do not have a parent of the opposite sex around then you have a difficult time finding the person for you. I only had my mother to shape my views and so I ended up in bad relationships and allowed myself to be used, abused and manipulated.

My dad and I started to build our relationship in 2007 and I can tell you I have yet to meet a man that impressed me the way my dad did. My dad was a genius, literally and I learned so much from him that I have yet to meet a man that held my interest like my dad. My dad could make me feel so good about myself when my own husband was tearing me down.

My dad loved food, absolutely loved it and there are certain things that my great grandmother used to make my dad that triggered a positive emotion from him. My great grandmother’s lemon meringue pie was one of those foods. I would make him a pie once in a while and he would tell me how much he liked it.

When he was dying I made some chili and took it to him and he couldn’t get enough of it. My dad’s last meal was my chili and that makes me feel really good as well. I miss my dad but I have someone who reminds me of him an awful lot, which is hard to do. The person I speak about is a “knowledge man” because he seeks out knowledge constantly and he enjoys learning.

He is extremely smart and I am not so sure he doesn’t have a genius IQ as well. He reminds me of my father which is new to me because I know of no one like my dad. This person is so like my dad but even better, he has the capability to show love and affection which my dad could not.

I think he is pretty awesome just as he is and behind closed doors I am sure he is pretty special as well. Behind closed doors he can be himself, he doesn’t have to live up to any ones expectations but his own. He can walk around naked if he so chooses and he can be a total slob but I doubt he is a slob every, messy at times maybe.

This person means the world to me and we have a connection that is of soulmates, I respect him immensely and sometimes he surprises the hell out of me. He is everything I have always wanted in a companion and I am his personal cheerleader without blowing smoke up his arse.

Thy Honor

I have never met or spoke with someone famous, that I can remember anyway, not that it would have made a difference in my life. If you met someone famous would you brag about it on facebook to your peeps or call all of your friends? Would you still brag if you knew that you could hurt the famous badly?

Famous people are only elevated by people not heaven and they put their pants on the same way as a non famous person. You have no idea if they are going through a divorce, could lose their children or visitation. You have no idea what you have done to hurt someone who is innocent.

My friends went to Toronto for our senior break and my mom asked me if I wanted to go to Mexico instead. She didn’t ask, no she manipulated me because she wanted to go on a vacation so of course I caved in. We went to Acapulco and that is where I met Tino, he had great eyes and long dark hair and a smile for days.

We had a great time and fell asleep on the beach and when I went back to the hotel in the morning my mother called me a slut, whore, trash ect. the best part of the trip was walking in the door at home so I could get away from her. Tino made me fall for latino man because he was so nice, funny, silly, romantic and all the cotton in the candy.

I have no desire to hurt anyone and if I ever did meet someone famous I think they would be a bit taken aback at my lack of interest in them. I cannot see any point in being interested in someone because of who they are because even the famous have problems in their relationships.

Must The Father

A man loves his children as much as the mother but in a different way and men can and are just as responsible if not more with their children. I do not think either parent should bring a new person around unless they are sure that person is going to be around.

Divorce is very hard on children and they need to adjust even if the parents were separated. It is not easy for any child to see the hurt and anger between their parents and even if you hide it from them, you have hid nothing as they saw the writing on the wall long ago and dreaded it.

When you get involved with someone you need to have a clear understanding of what is expected of each other and their children. I would never get mad if the man I was seeing wanted to be with his kids or had to do something with his children, say if one were to get married I would not feel comfortable attending such an event unless we had been together a long time.

I think if you have been seeing someone on a steady basis for 3-6 months then it is safe to bet you will be together for a while longer. If you have a long distance relationship then you have to base your decision on the time you have spent together, not the time you have communicated on the computer or phone.

To build a relationship two people must spend time together and learn about each other and their likes, dislikes, bad habits, ect. I think we must have a meeting of the minds and mutual respect and the kids play a very important part of my relationship with anyone.

Bypass Child

It is difficult for me to accept the fact that my daughter will be leaving for college before I know it. Yes, she still has to graduate high school but even that is a blink away. Because of circumstances beyond my control my has been living with her boyfriend and I will tell you that goes over like a lead fart with me.

Those that know me are surprised at my reaction regarding my daughter because they never knew I would be so against my daughter living with her bf. Yes, it bothers me because I feel he has too much influence over her and no influence from me at all, and his mother also puts her two cents in as well.

I was very hurt when Shelby was driven to U of D by her bf’s mom and he went along. Those are trips her and I should be taking together and I was really pissed and hurt. I wanted her to come stay at home this week because she is off of school but she didn’t want to and we got into a huge fight.

I thought about it and I have finally accepted the cold hard facts which are she is going to be 18, she is going to do what she wants and she is a brilliant young lady that has lived the last three years in a very difficult place. She is to smart and to pretty for her current bf but for me to keep them from each other is just going to push them closer together.

I am hoping once she starts work and college she will see he needs to grow up quite a bit. I will go on a nut if she spends a dime of her settlement on him instead of school but once again I cannot control that either. I cannot control her at all and I actually do not want to.

I apologized to her and explained to her how hard it was for me not to have her at home and I will be letting her go for good very soon. I had to admit that I wasn’t mad but very hurt and that showing anger was a way to protective myself from further hurt. The honesty on my part has brought us closer together and I can feel us rebuilding our relationship, which is great.


Imagine a time and place when men courted women and the woman’s female family members followed behind the couple as they walked. Imagine a time and place when the woman  carried her husband’s child inside of her and cooked a homemade meal. Imagine a time and place where the family was all that mattered and nobody messed with the family.

Those times are past us unfortunately but I wonder if they still exist in Italy or am I to caught up in the “Godfather”? I am old fashioned and I like living that way because that is all I have to hold onto is my memories. I think men appreciate being treated a certain way and I think they appreciate a woman who is capable of fixing a meal and taking care of him in the bedroom.

I imagine one day that my life will fall into its place and I will have my hopes and dreams come true. I would like to have a little ranch with black raspberry bushes growing and a little garden. It doesn’t matter how big or how small your dreams are they will not happen until the right time.


Heavy Cream

I still do childish things but one thing that I do not like is when someone drinks out of the milk container. That is just, I don’t know something that turns me off. Now let the truth be known the empty whip cream can in the fridge is irritating at best. I still grab the can and squirt it in my mouth like a kid.

I still like peanut butter and jelly to and I am a Jif peanut butter girl. Some things never change and that is one of them, I will always love ice cream as well. All the women in my family have been ice cream lovers and I really like chocolate chocolate ice cream, I like the real rich kind made with cream instead of fake crap.

I also still like red velvet cake with green cream cheese frosting, my great grandmother made me that cake every year and I still hold on to that memory on my birthday, don’t ask me why the frosting was green, she probably asked me what color I wanted it. There are just some things from our childhood’s that stick with us.


Meaty Carcass

The smallest turkey was huge for my little family of four, I have turkey coming out of my ears and I still cannot throw awau the turkey carcass. I am boiling it right now and the meat will eventually fall off of it and I will have a delicious blend of turkey juices and poultry. This is perfect for soups, turkey pot pie, turkey Tetrazzini and turkey and noodles.

I take this and freeze it in several bags so I have the juices and turkey already for another meal. If you have never made turkey Tetrazzini look up the chicken Tetrazzini recipe and substitute the chicken. It is really good and impressive too, lol and it tastes great. Some people refuse to eat left overs but in this house you eat what is here.

A homemade meal is no longer easy to come by but in my house you will always be served a homemade meal. I have frozen crap in the freezer as well but I prefer the homemade meal. I think most people feel that way and kids, well most kids survive on fast food and they flip over a real meal.

The worse part of any meal for me is doing the dishes, it isn’t fair that I slave over a hot stove and have to do the dishes as well. I think if you cook someone else should do the dishes and put them away. Being stuck preparing the meal and cleaning up afterwards isn’t right and I think it is selfish.

Too Orange

I have never cared for the color orange and Thanksgiving is known for its pumpkin pie. I hate pumpkin pie but I do like sweet potato pie, just replace the pumpking with cooked sweet potatoes.

It has such a great taste and the kids don’t know the difference, Ryan doesn’t like pumpkin pie so I will make lemon meringue for him. Maybe I will make him a chocolate cream pie for a change.

Nobody likes sweet potatoes but me of course and the only thing Ryan will eat is the turkey and maybe a couple of rolls. Shelby is like me and eats like a bird so I have to adjust how much I make.

Bob always ate a lot and Thanksgiving was no different, he loved the pies I made but I could never get him to eat the crust. The pie crust I make is really flaky and very good but most people are used to dry crust.

Bob used to get up at 3 a.m.  and I would catch him eating a huge plate of pie and I just laughed. He really enjoyed those pies and I get a little smile on my face when I think of him eating it because I know he liked it and it made him happy.

I cried a little today and that is the first time in a long time but I realized I am still grieving. The holidays are rough because I am alone but “C” will be here for xmas so I won’t be alone.

“C” is my rock and I am so thankful for him and it feels so good just to lie together and he listens to me. It just feels so good and he is always playing with my hair because he says it is so thick and soft.

He makes me feel good and that is all that is important and even though I just can’t have sex with him maybe it is just something that will happen in time. This is all too weird for me because I am so damn sexual.

Day Dilema

What a day, wow I am glad it is time to relax. Had to drive an hour to pick up my yorkie puppies, Michael and Gabriel and they are brothers but the personalities are quite different and distinct already.

I shouldn’t have spent the money on them but it’s time for me to love me and show myself some kindness and buy myself something I have wanted since my other guys were given away.

I told the kids do not buy me anything for xmas because I got the puppies. I have started to pick up a few items for Shelby and she is coming over tomorrow for dinner. We had a huge fight yesterday and then I thought about it.

It’s hard for me to  accept that I am wrong and say I am sorry but I do do it. I had to finally admit to myself and my daughter that her living at her boyfriends and graduating from high school is hard for me.

I am losing someone I love very much but I have to let her make her own way in this world and under the circumstances it isn’t fair to her. It is hard to admit that your child is growing up, no let me rephrase that, she is grown up.

It has been so hard on her and her senior year without her dad has been really hard for her and her graduation is going to be hard for me. I’ve got her a job lines up with my attorney and she will be going to college in the fall and working.

I feel so bad that Bob spent the kids college money but what can I do? Maybe it is a good thing who knows. I am trying to pay off school and put money away to get her a car for graduation.

Ryan got expelled yesterday and I think that is also a blessing, it saves me money on tuition and Ryan is going to an alternative school which is for troubled and pregnant, trying to get these kids to graduation instead of dropping out.

The kids have grown up fast like Ryan and some have problems like Ryan and others have worse problems. Some classes may have 15 kids and some may only have 5 kids so this will be good.

The puppies have stolen Ryan’s heart and Michael took right to Ryan. Gabriel is just as cute but their personalities are so different. I am glad that Michael took to Ryan because it makes Ryan feel special.