A Hope A Dream

I woke up to take Ryan to school and he was up all night sick so he didn’t make it to school, again. I am still sick myself with the intestinal flu. I went back to bed and had the most delightful dream. I seem to have the best dreams after I go back to sleep and they are always so comforting.

I was sleeping in his bed in France and the light was sneaking peeks through the drapes. He was lieing behind me with his arm over my waist. I could feel the warmth of his body and his breath on my neck and I moved his hand from my waist and placed it on my bare breast.

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We were so comfortable and it felt so right to be next to him. There was no sexual arousal, it was just two people feeling secure and happy to be with each other. Both of us needed this time to relax and to recharge for the day ahead and he was going to be leaving for the day shortly.

He repositioned himself and we slowly awoke and he climbed over me to get out of bed and into the shower. My day wasn’t to start for several more hours but the thought of him in the shower made me get up and join him. Both of us stood under the hot water and I soaped up the sponge and began to wash him.

I slowly moved the sponge over his neck and down his chest and then I washed his back and moved back to his crotch and gently washed his erect member. I worked around to his tight butt and washed him delicately. He kissed my neck and put me against the wall and entered me slowly.

This was no hasty sexual act but an act of slow methodical  demonstrative love. We made slow, passionate love and both of us exploded like a bomb. I washed his hair and then bent down and washed his legs and feet as he washed my hair and bathed me. We exited the shower and dried each other off and both of us had that look of mischievous on our faces.

I took off towards the bed and he chased me and as I dove into the bed he followed. We got under the covers and in a comfortable position and we talked about the days events. He got out of bed and I admired his glistening nakedness as he got dressed and then I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing.

I really like dreams like this because it makes me feel safe and secure, he makes me feel safe and secure and just thinking of him puts a smile on my face. I wish he was just a regular guy with a regular job but he isn’t regular in any way shape or form. With all that he has he also goes without the security of knowing that people like him for himself not his title.

People can be rich and famous and others think they have it all but the truth is they have no piece of mind. They always have to protect themselves from users and people who want to capitalize from them. Women have to be analyzed for their intentions and motives as well.

Would I ever want to be rich and famous? No, you may have the fame and all that you want materialistically but you can never be sure if someone likes you for you and nothing more. I have known him for years and the last two is when I discovered who he really is.

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It is difficult for me to know who he is because I feel as if he compares me to all of the other women that want to be with him because of who he is. He doesn’t realize that his fame is a total turn off to me because I have no desire to live that lifestyle, no I am the girl who wants to go back to her youth of happiness living on a farm.

My wedding ring is very beautiful I guess but I am not into jewelry and my daughter wants my ring. I do not know if I should give it to her or not because it does represent her father and I. The ring means nothing to me and holds no memories like it should but the first sign that the marriage wasn’t going to work was the day we got married.

My girlfriend took pictures at the justice of the peace and not a single picture turned out. That represented a black cloud over our marriage to me. Things progressively got more distant as the years went on and we were no more than two ships passing in the night. I look back now and I see my purpose in the marriage was to take care of my husband until he reached heaven.

I did all the required duties and so much more but the marriage lacked the essentials for a happy union. I guess I am a strange  bird because I do not want anyone to support me or pay my bills and take care of my kids. I do not want a fancy house and car and I do not want a closet full of expensive clothes.

What do I want? A small ranch and a garden that I can pick fresh tomatoes, cilantro, garlic and jalapeno peppers. I really like hot sauce and making my own is the best. I just want a simple, happy life and I think that is what he is striving for himself because he has realized long ago the pitfalls of fame.

No matter how my dreams end I will always want him to be happy and healthy and I will always want his happiness, even if it is at the expense of my own. I have such a deep believe in the thought of us as true soul mates and that will never change because it continues to grow stronger year by year.

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Strength Of One

Why do people put others in the dog house? Why do people allow themselves to be placed in that position? Why can’t people discuss their problems instead of one making the other feel less than they are? I have always preferred to discussing our problems with my husband.

We got along very well as friends and we only had one major drag out fight during our marriage. We had little disagreements but not often and we were able to work them out. The one thing I do when I am really pissed is I refuse to talk and the silent treatment is given.

I do this because it is better for me to say nothing than to tear a person to shreds which is easy for me to do when I am boiling mad. I am silent because I am thinking about the why’s and how’s things ended up in an argument and how I can handle the situation in a calmer manner.

I never threw my husband out of the bedroom forcing him to sleep on the couch, hell he went on his own when he got mad. He had a temper that was hidden and when he let it out it was frightening, I wasn’t afraid he would hurt me but I was afraid for others that made him that mad.

I had told my husband about the abuse I had sustained as a child and how I had a boyfriend that beat me up several times. I told my husband if another man ever hit me I would kill him and my husband knew I wasn’t just talking. My husband grabbed me one time and that was once to many and I made damn sure that it never happened again.

There is always one person stronger in any relationship and I do not mean physically. I have always avoided arguments and I give in more often than not. I prefer to work out our problems instead of making someone feel less than they are and I hate going to bed angry.

I have a very strong personality but when it comes to relationships I want them to work and I will do what I have to, to make them work. I am not one that must always “win” the argument, I am the one that gives in so life can fall back into a comfortable existence.

The Dead Breathe Life

My husband passed away sixteen months ago on the 26th of August and as I sit watching my son play xbox I see my husband. My son has my husband’s build and it’s one of those days where sadness has touched me once again.

I get sad when I think of Bob and I do not know why, maybe it’s because he was so sick for so many years and how he fought so hard not to die over the years. I think back to the kids looking through the railings on the balcony as the ems took him out on a gurney.

I can see their scared little faces like it was a minute ago and how helpless I felt when it came to comforting them as I had no one to comfort me. It’s very difficult to know today may be the day your spouse dies and to live like that for twelve years was hard.

I visit the cemetery and clean his grave and the kids visit as well, cemeteries are for the living and when I visit I talk to him and sometimes I am not so nice. His death and breathed life into me and I know that is so wrong to say but as much as I miss him, we were never really meant to be.

We were brought together so he could give me children and I could take care of him up until he died and that is what I did. I am no hero I am just someone that does what she believes in her heart to be right and now that he is gone, it’s time for me to live again.

My husband told me I was the best wife he had had, lmao I told him ya three strikes your out buddy. He neglected to mention he had been married twice before, just a minor detail when you are committing your life to someone, wouldn’t you say?

I would really like to sell my home because the memories here are sometimes hard to deal with and I want to close that door and move on but it’s hard when you have no one to distract you and make you feel wanted yes it is very hard. I wish I had a distraction, a lover, a friend.