Fight The Good Fight

As most of you know, I have spent the last six years burying my entire family. My brother was mentally ill and lived on the street by his own choice. He was found dead in a vestibule, he passed away from complications of diabetes and my grandmother entrusted my sister with money to bury him back in 90′ before she died.

My sister took the money and put it in her 401k and refused to give it to me to bury my brother, I was finally able to $900.00 from her to pay for my brother’s cremation. My mother or sister lifted a finger to get my brother cremated and my mother didn’t even pick up my brother’s ashes, I did and I set his soul free in Lake Erie, actually my husband did it for me because I couldn’t. As his ashes were released I prayed to God and thanked God for giving me the opportunity to  release my brother from his personal hell, as I saw it.

Even though he was homeless, there was a memorial for him and the church was half full, my brother was a wonderful person but his illness kept us apart because I needed to protect my children as my brother could get violent. I miss him every day but he is at peace finally and that gives me peace.

 The following year I flew to Florida to bring my grandmother home from the nursing home my sister placed her in. She was abused terribly in that facility and the Dr. told me she had three months to live. I had her transferred to a hospital to care for her wounds and she was sent home. 

I got my grandmother back into her own home and her last words were ” I am home”, she died the next morning as I sat next to her looking at the catheter fill with blood and I knew it would be momentarily before her demise. I was alone with her and it was so damn painful but rewarding.

How can it be rewarding to be with someone when they die? I was given the opportunity to get her home where she wanted to pass away, that was rewarding as I was given the work of granting her final wish and I thank God everyday that I was able to answer that wish.

My aunt died the next year of Legionnaires disease, the year after that my husband died of leukemia and this year my dad died of colon cancer. I was involved in putting them all to rest except my aunt, who was my best friend and she knew more about my life than my own mother.

I can remember when I caught crabs from work and stayed up all night talking to my aunt because I was so grossed out and the stores were closed. My aunt knew about my rape and pregnancy and the infection that almost took my womb from the abortion, my aunt was my rock, my touch stone. 

She loved me unconditionally when no one else did and she was always there for me. I have been fortunate to have these wonderful people in my life and I have tried to show my love through helping them in the end. Burying your entire family makes life fall into perspective.

Money no longer rules my life, nor fancy cars, clothes, home ect. I have enough to make it, barely but I make it. God stepped in and didn’t let me son die and that is a gift all in itself. I am not bragging that I was there for them as that was my duty, my gift to them and God worked through me and I am thankful I was and am his instrument.

I am not strong, I am not special but I have the gift of being God’s instrument and I am thankful that I have been able to be there for them. I do not feel sorry for myself but I do get overwhelmed and depressed at times but like I said I am not special I am just instrument of my God.

It isn’t strength that keeps me going, no it is God and I am not religious but deeply spiritual. I am a giver, a doer and see projects through. I am reliable, dependable, honest, straight forward and love my friends as my family because they are my family now. I do not discuss my problems in depth with my friends as they have enough problems and do not need mine.

God has someone special in mind for me and I know who he is, we just haven’t met yet. We have work to do but it isn’t time yet for us to move forward. I am not unloved, I just do not have physical love and that is needed desperately as all of us need love and a hug when the chips are down.

I no longer wait for the one that has my heart and in fact I have let go of that “relationship” and we will meet one day. It may not be on earth but one day we will meet. Giving is what I do best and it makes me vulnerable and easily used but I know what I do for others is what I am supposed to be doing and if it comes back to bite me like it usually does, I learn something new each time.

People and things come to us when they are supposed to and not a day sooner and I wish for love and my wish will come true one day but until then, I will continue doing what I do best, rescuing others and hopefully I will not bury either of my children before I die. I do not fear death nor relish it but accept it as part of life.

Death is regeneration and everything and everyone meets their demise eventually, life is a complete circle and no you do not get to opt out of any part that you may find unsavory. All of us have our own demons to slay and we are not perfect and are quite imperfect but what I do know is, if you have a good heart God will bring you inner peace in time.

I’m waiting for my time and continue to be God’s instrument of love-

One More Step

Some people get hurt by another and they say they will never let anyone hurt them again like that. That’s the biggest lie we tell ourselves because as humans we require a certain amount of love and affection but when you get hurt you are to afraid to take one more step.

I used to know somebody that hated themselves and  has been gifted with a talent that was used to help many people with. I think I have a bit of understanding why this person denies himself the happiness he wants so badly. I think he has no clue about illness but I do and I have noticed his actions to be one of an ill person.

I am not trying to be mean, no not at all in fact I’m trying to save a life here. He knows what he wants but he allows himself to deny himself of that love. He worries about the erratic behavior and out bursts and is afraid for me to see that side of him so he pushes me away.

He doesn’t realize my mother and my brother is and was mentally ill, my brother had paranoid schizophrenia and I have also dealt with people in life that are ill. He thinks if he keeps hurting me I will go away. Nope that isn’t going to happen because I am not going to reward him for his poor behavior and self image at this time.

No, I am not going away so forget that right now and I do know one thing, when you care for someone you are there for them no matter what the situation. I am always going to be here as his friend and yes I do believe he has an incurable mental illness.

He can continue to be narccistic and deny himself of love and someone who understands where he is at in his own mind. I understand only to well and I am here to tell about it, I hated myself so much that looking in the mirror never happened.

I felt such a heavy emptiness and profound sadness that I walked through the days like a zombie. I couldn’t get myself to do a damn thing. I lost all desire for anything or anybody and I locked myself away from the world so I could lick my wounds.

Well, the most shocking event occurred, I had a break through my mental illness and I have found a way to help myself in moments of stress and anger build up. I have learned not to blow up at people as that only makes the situation worse. I still have my blow-ups but quite infrequently these days, I know about the cold, rainy fall days when one is alone.

Hate yourself all you want, in fact I encourage you to hate yourself as much as you can. Now turn that emotion around and love yourself as much. Couldn’t do huh? Need a little help in that area? You need a good friend not a lover, you have a great friend right here but you are to afraid to reach out for fear of more pain. 

I totally understand those feelings because I lived through them myself. I think it has been best that I had no one in my life because I have been able to focus on my own mental health and become so much better. I reuse to let my illness every run my life again.

The saddest thing in the world is he cannot deny himself of her, he is obsessed with her and follows her everywhere she goes online. He does little things to keep tabs on her even though he is no where near her. He cannot let her go and that is making him feel crazy as well.

I have no plans of sitting down and waiting for him to build up enough character to meet me, hell no girlfriend is not a waiting for no man. God knows what she needs and will care for her and when the time is right, he will come into her life.

He may be waiting at a deli for a lunch, he could be the gas station attendant, hell he could be even you, yes you just have to be willing to take one more step in my direction and then quicken your pace because you were going to run in my direction until you started thinking to much.

I expected you to pull out as the date got closer and I knew you were going to be a no show as that has been a given with you. You are scared out of your wits to meet me and you know that is true. I do not have powers to put a spell on you, I assure you.

If you do not take this opportunity to enrich your life, you may have just given up one of the best things that could have happened to you. I promise you I will not wait but will be here if you need me and I am not mad and I am not crying.

I am working filling that space in my heart that needs love now, yes right this second and I plan on getting it filled. You are going to be really pissed at yourself that you didn’t take advantage of meeting me, go one bury your head in work, like that is going to help you?

Bipolar Bad Ass

I am writing about bipolar disorder because it’s time to celebrate and share how well I am doing. I didn’t talk about it for the longest time because I was so afraid that I would have a major set back but that has yet to happen.

I was doing some really fucked up things when I was ill, I was meeting men that I didn’t know but all I did was smoke some weed with them. One guy wanted me to put on his x wifes fur coat and that was weird so I didn’t do it and made some excuse to leave.

I got scammed out of 23 grand, yes you read it right, 23 thousand dollars because I was so “in love” with a no name no face person on the internet. I was so desperate for love that he got me at the perfect time in my life, when I was weak and vulnerable.

When you are ill you feel so bad about yourself and when someone starts to build you up you grab a hold of them like they are a life saver. You get caught up in the bullshit they lay on you and you start to have feelings for someone you have no clue who the fuck they are.

You forget shit and lose stuff, go on spending sprees and sex sprees, you are very loud and appear disoriented, which you are at times. The mania keeps you up for days and you are wound for sound until the lows hit you with the force of a locomotive.

Depression sucks you down and you have no desire to do a damn thing and when it’s really bad, you do not shower, brush your teeth, hair and you have no desire to take care of your hygiene what so ever. You have no desire to do a damn thing and only do what is absolutely necessary.

You walk through the days without any desires at all and you  care about nothing or anybody, you are just walking dead. The depression makes you feel so down that suicide is the only escape or so you think at the time.

I was going to hang myself, I had the rope hanging from the garage door frame and had the dead man’s noose ready to go and Bob, my husband came home and stopped me. I was so ready to hand myself and I wasn’t thinking twice about it either.

But those days are gone, yes they are behind me and I am well, finally I am feeling great ok maybe not great but pretty damn good about myself. It’s a very hard illness to control and I have been trying to control it since I was diagnosed in 2002.

It’s been ten years of pure hell but I have finally gotten the beast under control and I am aware that I could succumb to the illness again. I keep a strict eye on myself and take my meds, see my dr. and go to counseling.

When you are down you cannot see up and do not believe you will ever feel better again but there is hope even though you may think there is none. If the truth must be known and it must if you are not getting better then you have several options.

First, let your doctor know that the meds aren’t working and if he/she doesn’t change your “cocktail” to your liking by the fourth time then it’s time to change doctors.Do not hesitate to change your doctor or voice your concerns.

For those that prefer holistic meds add marijuana, yes I know we have been programmed to think marijuana is a bad drug. Look at the side effects of all your meds and you will find that marijuana is so much healthier for you as is other naturals.

Smoking weed really does help as it relaxes you and puts you in a euphoric state of mind. Yes, it helps hell it helps a lot and is quite beneficial, I find it to be a “friend’ that cares and helps me unwind and chill out for a while.

My father passed in January and him and I would smoke weed together as we talked and he taught me new things. He was big into holistic medicine and he could control pain like no one I ever knew, he passed at home from colon cancer and I gave him hash laced joints for the pain in the very end days.

My dad was 74 when he passed and he smoked weed his entire life and he didn’t think twice about smoking and he accepted everyone for who they were. My dad’s IQ was off the charts and he created new laws, worked on a secret project for the govt, and he came up with money saving ways for a hamburger chain.

My dad knew I was ill and he tried to help me and keep me focused, he could tell when things were not going good for me and he knew when the mania had taken hold of me. My dad was someone special and I knew him as a man not a father.

He had me try different herbs and such to help me and he loved me even though he never said it. My father and I had no relationship until six years ago and the relationship we had built was special and I miss him so much but he accepted me for who I was, illness and all.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot get better as that is a fucking lie, there are those that get better and I am here to stand up and say “fuck you I am better and you cannot knock me down”. Never give up and let go, never accept what others say.

I am the proverbial bipolar bad ass as I have overcome adversity and I have become one of the few that have gotten that bastard under control. You can never give up or give in because it’s up to you and you alone to take a stand and get help.

 

Bipolar Shadow

Bipolar Shadow

I live with bipolar disorder as do so many others but I am one of the fortunate ones as I have it under control finally. I have learned to not tell anyone that I may get involved with about the illness as I have found that I am judged immediately.

I prefer total honesty but that cannot be when you are wanting to be involved with someone. People frown upon mental illness and just the word drives people away so fast. You are not judged fairly and you already have one major strike against you.

I look back on my actions and how my own husband treated me and I can say he made things so much worse for me then needed to be. Playing mind games with someone who is ill is not helpful one bit even if you think it is and you are trying to control the person.

I used to talk very loud and my moods would swing like crazy and I would be happy one minute and mean and hateful the next. I could stay up for days and found myself having conversations with no one, I tried to talk to Bob but he never would listen.

He would hide my cell and my keys and tell me I misplaced them, he would steal my phone when I was sleeping and I caught him once. That is when I realized I wasn’t a nut job but he was doing everything possible to make me think that.

He didn’t want me on the phone talking to strange men or meeting strange men, he wanted to control my every waking moment and he would have like to control my dreams as well. He seriously thought he was helping me when he was obviously making me sicker.

You cannot control a bipolar person, no that is why they have doctors and take meds. Bob was never the great intelligent type to begin with but he could have called my dr. but he chose to move things, steal things and lie to me and make me feel like I was going crazy.

I now have this illness under control but I still have the bipolar shadow that will always follow me, the stereotype that follows the illness as well as knowing that it hides in the shadows just waiting for a moment to sneak out again.

When you finally get control of the “dragon” you always have to remember that it lurks in the dark waiting for it’s great escape. When you accept the fact that you must pay attention to yourself so much more closely than the average person then you are doing damn good.

Meds are mandatory, no if’s and’s or but’s and keeping dr. appointments is paramount as well. As long as you follow protocol things go well when you finally have your “cocktail” of meds right. People must realize that causing stress for someone with bipolar is not a good thing for them. 

You can so easily be pushed over the edge and anyone that does that is really selfish. I am constantly reminding myself that my illness is in the shadows and it is up to me and me alone to keep it there. I am happy and healthy and that is all I can ask.

I am not overly happy just happy enough to enjoy the little things life has to offer but it would be so nice to have someone to share these moments with. Maybe, maybe one day I will find the love that I want but until that day I keep moving on with a positive attitude.