Gospel

I was raised by my grandparents and they  were from Kentucky. They were typical southern baptists and yes they take singing at mass very important. Music moves us no matter what the lyrics.

I can remember the arms reaching to heaven, fainting, sweating and a lot of hurray’s. Music was based on the gospel and Elvis Presley made it quite famous. He took the gospil and sang it with vim and vigor.

 

 

Seriously Now

People move to fast in today’s world and everyone wants everything right now and that includes relationships. I am very cautious of people and relationships because I am afraid to get hurt. “C” and I have spent time together and we talk on the phone and skype all the time.

He’s talking about Christmas and us possibly living together, I haven’t been seeing him a month and he is talking like this. I am not going to live with him, we haven’t even done the deed. Why do people feel so threatened  and think if you are married, living together or are a couple that you and every thing you do should revolve around them.

You cannot control anyone and being in a relationship doesnt  give you the right of control.  “C” is jealous of “him” which is so stupid but it is quite obvious. I told “C” that “he” said he would meet me in vegas in January and we both busted out laughing when I told him. We know that will never happen because “he” likes to play games.

The way things work out for me is I would go to vegas and he wouldn’t show of course and I would end up hurt and disappointed again and I will not let him do that to me. If he wanted to meet me he would make arrangements to do so which would be convenient for me and my safety. Who knows he might be the next one that is into white slavery or something off the wall.

Ungrateful

There are two types of people in this world, those that work their ass off and those that follow the one that has worked his ass off. People like to always have someone to follow and they like to be associated with someone who is a shaker and maker. The leader usually doesn’t get the recognition they feel they should.

Most leaders are never recognized for their efforts and it make you mad and sometimes you just have to walk away and regroup. Everything we do has a reaction that follows it and you have to remember that one day you will be rewarded for your efforts. Sometimes, the right person is watching and that makes a huge difference in our lives.

We can be headed in one direction our entire lives and all of a sudden what you used to do is boring and mundane and your life heads in a completely different direction. People that are making changes that eventually trickles down to help or change others lives in a positive way eventually get what they strive for and so much more.

It is so rare to have someone notice your hard work and it is nice to notice this person and tell them how much you appreciate them or what a great job they did. It is a good thing that so many are self driven and will do what they have to, to complete their task at hand. Sometimes, you don’t have anyone to pat you on the back except yourself, so pat away!

He Sits

He sits at home on a Friday night with his ipad on his lap and his world revolves around traveling the world but it is not exciting any longer. His world has become boring, without challenge or desire he does what he must for a paycheck, he doesn’t show his real self to anyone.

He thinks others will wait for him forever but he is finding that no longer to be true, he is no longer the man so many once knew. His fame has waned and he remembers the days the roar of the crowd was constant and he had all the fame. He is getting older and so much bolder but he isn’t happy with his current life.

He needs a challenge, he needs something new, his life is no longer exciting but just an ordinary life day after day. He doesn’t see where he could be if he were with me but that is alright because someone else will appreciate the person that I am. I tried to show him how much I loved him but he just couldn’t see.

When he finally realizes I am gone he will wonder what went wrong, he can’t seriously think that I would wait forever to be with him. He threw me away and thinks I will stay there, no way. I am moving on without him and that’s just the way it has to be, I want someone to love me and someone will soon enough even though this has been so rough.

Where Am I

Where am I now? I do not know and I have no idea where I am headed but I wish I could be saved from the loneliness and emptiness. My life is so mundane, so vanilla and so boring as hell. There are no moments of laughter or happiness, there are no moments of contentment and inner peace.

Sometimes I feel like walking off the diving board into an empty pool that is twenty feet deep. I am so tired of fighting to survive and I am so fed up with everyone’s lies. What I ask for is way too much I guess a simple hug a simple kiss it’s just to much to ask for.

He’s says we will be together and we both know that’s a lie so why does he keep saying it? I will always wonder why, I need to laugh just a little laughter once in a while I just need a hug once in a while too. I feel as if I am supposed to make others happy while denying myself the same pleasure.

He says he loves me, well if he really did he would leave my life the way he came in. He says these lies and hurts me so but he still continues with his disguise. Does he love me? No, well maybe as a friend but nothing more and if he does he needs to prove it because I am not feeling it.

Not Nice

When you love someone you do not throw their mistakes in their face, you accept they made an error in judgement and move on. Someone I know did something really bad to me and I have forgiven that person long ago, the problem is that person cannot forgive themselves and carries quite a bit of guilt.

I wish they would forgive themselves and look at the good part, they met me because of it and I am a pretty awesome person, just ask me. I am what you see there are no hidden agendas or some grand scheme in the making, no I am just me and I like me.

I try to find the good in everyone and I try to help when ever I can, which is a major fault of mine as I am finding out over and over again, now that is insanity for sure but I just can’t seem to learn my lesson. One thing I do know is I am never going to be wiring money to anyone soon, nope got  my hands full with this one.

Believe

You do not trust yourself that is why you do not trust me, you do not believe in yourself and that is why you do not believe in me. I am not you, not remotely and because you lack the faith in yourself you cannot put faith in others. I will not chase you and I will not wait and I do not care what you do any longer.

You hurt me, I hurt you it’s over-you are going to be a new dad and marry so enjoy your life, move on forget me and quit posting shit that is hurting me. I am deleting everyone that posts things that hurt me and that is the way it has to be. You are happy and fulfilled so be on your way, be happy and enjoy what you have for now.

Who’s Really There?

There’s no tomorrow without you by my side, there is no today without your hand in mine, there is no yesterday because you were not at my side. I am so strong you say but do you know how really weak I am? Do you know my tears shed so often over the thought of you and I?

I do not want you to come to me as you are not yet free to chose your choosings and I do not want to be a result of one of your choices. I want you to come to me freely, openly and honestly and until you can do that I do not want you.

You have tried to replace me but you cannot and will not because I am irreplaceable, I am not like others, I am a gem in a hidden box upon the highest shelf, I hide from those that want only my worth and none of my inner beauty.

I am not of the devil and I am not of the sea, I am of the heavens yes look up that is me, I am of God’s work I am of his vision. I bring to the earth the special package from my Lord and in it is a gift to you. It is the power and wisdom to know what you need more than what you want.

Take this gift and open it, breathe it into your soul or world, your heart. Follow the path and cherish the journey as you are a shaper of the mind and hearts of many, you set the growth and fill idealism of many a child as well as adult.

Your gift has been rewarding but do you know how many you have rewarded? Do you know how many lives you have changed? shaped? directed? I am so proud of the man you are as you have learned wisely from years of walking the edge.

Your heart is pure no matter how black it has been at times, you do not see the man in the mirror, no you do not see the colors you have painted so many a world. You bite down on yourself and do not see the worth within yourself and that is sometimes quite sad.

You are a man of humanity and humility, you suffer in silence while smiling at the world, no one sees your tears, feels your sobs or wipes your tears, it is a lonely life you live, such a very lonely life for such a man. I pray for your happiness every day and I pray for you to accept inner peace and accept me into your life.

One Moment

One Moment

It only takes a moment to change your life it could be while you are talking on the cell and driving or texting while driving. It could be sitting on your back porch and the phone delivers that moment, it could be in the middle of the night.

What do all of these have in common? A moment in time that can change your life from the car accident that kills you to the birthing pains of your first child. Life is a string of endless moments that are brought on by pain or joy and fillers in between.

We search for what we can never find because what is to be ours comes to us when it is time and not a moment before. We get caught up in wanting, wanting it all now without working or waiting some of us are dreamers, the great dreamers of this world.

Without a dream you have nothing to strive for, reach for and pray for, without that moment that changes our lives we can never experience the sadness or happiness that is ours and we cannot learn and grow as we should.

Do you have the power to make someone’s moment in time change? Do you think it is within you and only comes from you? Do you not believe that the higher power places within your grasp the ability to change another’s life?

We are forever changing and growing, we teach we learn and it is not of our own making so do not fool yourself into thinking you are God Almighty. He has a master plan for each and everyone of us and he plants a seed that grows and shares it’s entire life through us.

As a child I would skip stones across the creek, as an adolescent I learned to stand on my own two feet, as a teen I shared my body with another and in my age I eventually gave birth.

These are defining moments in my life and I have seen much adversity but I thank God for giving me the strength to make it through another lonely day, another sad moment, another day in jail. The moment that stays with me is my husband’s death.

There is few relationships we have in our life that gives us meaning and losing a spouse no matter how the relationship was, it still has an impact that never really leaves us. I think of him less and less and I open my heart to another to give me what I didn’t have in my marriage.

It will be that moment, that very special moment that defines my future.

Destine To Be

I am very spiritual and believe strongly in God but I am not a “Jesus Freak” or pound the pavement trying to get others to believe in my beliefs. I am a “quiet” believer in God as I carry him within my heart but do not speak of what I believe in to others.

Everyone has the right to believe in their own form of “God” and I believe God has a plan for each and every one of us. I believe that God protects and watches over me and I believe he has chosen who I shall spend the rest of my life with.

I am a one man woman and do not take relationships lightly, I am totally committed or not committed at all and that is how I am when I am involved with someone. That person becomes the only one that gets my affection and I find that hard for others to do.

I want to be of help to the person of my affections and I want to see that their life is happy and I am always there for them. I accept them for who they are and do not try to change them as I do not want anyone to try and change me.

I have my quirks like most people but nothing dramatic or out of the ordinary, I love to make people laugh and make them happy and I enjoy taking care of the one that is receiving my love. Love is defined differently by each person but I believe it is respect, caring, helping, understanding, communication and so much more.

I want love in my life and I want to share my life with another, I have reached the point that I am ready for a relationship. It’s been a year and one half since my husband passed and I have not been with a man since he passed.

You know when you are finally ready to get involved and for me it’s been a hell of a long time but yes I am ready and I know that I am ready to love someone and to be loved by them. I want to be held so bad and feel the arms of a man around me.

I want to lie in bed next to man and feel loved, really feel loved and I want to have fun and enjoy life with another. I hadn’t realized that life without love is quite barren until recently, yes I do want to be loved and to love and I want to laugh and be silly.

I do not know why God is keeping the man of my affections from coming to me but I do believe everything happens when it is suppose to and not a minute sooner. You cannot speed up what God controls and you cannot make things happen before their time.

We are destine to be together one day as that is what God has planned for both of us. He set the wheels in motion three years ago and they are still spinning. One day I will be with my soul mate and that day cannot come soon enough.