A Mother’s Pain

If you are a mother you can relate to how much my heart hurts. I have tried so damn hard to raise my kids the best way I know how. My son is bipolar and tried to kill me two years ago.

He refused to take his meds and he was posting on facebook that he was going to commit suicide. I took away his phone so he couldn’t post anymore of that crap and he attacked me. 

He is a big boy 6’2″ 240 lbs. and he is very strong. He grabbed me and threw me into a wall and took the dog cage and started beating me with it. Earlier he had poured a gallon of milk on the kitchen floor and I refused to clean it up.

Once I was able to get on my feet I ran into the kitchen avoiding the milk and he slipped and slid into the cabinets. That is the only thing that saved me as he ran out the sliding door.

The cops found him walking barefoot in the middle of winter down the street. He was committed to a mental institution for a year. I did everything I could to help him get better. I would drive an hour every saturday to go see him and do therapy sessions with him.

My son is the spitting image of his dad as far as manipulating and lieing and you cannot tell he is lieing because he is so good at it. I have never lied those dark and ugly lies but I am guilty of the little white lies.

My son and his girlfriend were living with me and I didnt ask a dime from them. They lived like pigs and I had to evict them last week. My son has been playing league of legends which is a huge online game.

He met some older people that live in Texas and they became friends. Ryan told them that I was hateful person that has never done a damn thing for him. He talked about me like I am shit so of course they invited Ryan and his gf to Texas.

My son stole 2 computers that cost $5000.00 the alienware gaming computer was $4000.00 alone. He broke up with his girlfriend four months ago and she cried like someone had died.

My son is her first boyfriend and she told me they were marrying in a couple of years. Lieing little bitch got knocked up and she is now 4 months pregnant. I found out from a friend of my sons.

He told me he wanted nothing to do with me ever again and that he wanted me out of his life forever. Ok, no problemo I removed him from my will already and I refuse to help him ever again.

I have no desire to see that kid and my son needs mental health badly as does his girlfriend. My son has huge up and downs emotionally and the mood swings get scary at times.

I have cried for two days because I have tried so damn hard but nothing I do is ever good enough. My son feels he is entitled to steal from me and that I owe him. He is jealous that his sister got two cars already and totalled both and now on her third car.

He is jealous because everyone that meets my daughter can see she is going places and is a hard worker. My son is lazy, inconsiderate and hates me and if he had a gun he would shoot me-no lie that is how much he  hates me.

I know I raised him and being a single parent I felt bad that his father had passed. I know I was always easier on my son than my daughter. This entire ordeal has ripped my heart out of my chest. I didnt know I had that many tears inside of me but I found to have a flood of them.

A mother’s pain runs deep when their child do and say hateful things. When a mother doesnt have a good mother that raised them then problems arise. My mother was physically and mentally abusive. She never conforted me or told me she loved me, in fact she told she hated me and wish I had never been born.

I lack the ability to show compassion physically, hugging and giving words of comfort are foreign to me. I dont know how to comfort people spontaneously, I actually have to thing about my reactions and what to say.

I am very compassionate and caring but showing those emotions is very difficult for me. I tried to comfort my mother when I was younger and she rejected my hugs so that is why as an adult I cannot just show someone how much I truly to care and want to comfort them.

I have to look at the situation in the best of light and it is best he is gone. My son has been making me sick and I am so upset that I cannot keep anything down. I had two temporary ischemic attacks about six years ago and I have to be careful not to have anymore.

I lost part of my  memory and I do have a difficult time with my short term memory. Fortunately for me I did recover most of the memory back but I still have issues. Keeping myself healthy is my main priority and cutting my son loose is going to remove the daily stifling stress.

Here I am a widowed mother trying to do her best but nothing she does is ever good enough. It breaks my heart but cutting my son loose is the only way he will grow up and learn about life and I will find some peace finally.

 

A Time To Kill

So many people are shocked at what happened in Ct. well they shouldn’t be. The holidays are the worse for so many who are troubled and have lost loved ones. Holidays remind us of all that is gone, lost and forgotten. We feel abandoned and angry at the rejection we receive, imagine or real.

Holidays are terribly lonely and sad times for many people and they act out in rage as currently seen. It appears that this boy was acting out to get back at his mom, or so it appears from what I have heard. Mothers always take the rap because we gave birth to the person and we are held accountable forever by them.

I do not think what was done is ok by any means but I can kind of understand it. The world shuns the mentally ill and people totally ignore the signs. You get a feeling around the person, an uneasy feeling. They start to pick fights and are mean to the pets, they don’t want to pick up or shower and they are doing things to irritate you on purpose.

My son tried to pick numerous fights with me but I ignored him because I already knew what he was up to. He uses me as his “whipping post” taking out his frustration and anger on me. Everything that is wrong with his life is my fault or so he chooses to blame me for his lot in life.

 Ryan will do or say anything to keep men out of my life and as long as he isn’t happy he will do all he can to keep me from being happy. I cannot allow him to destroy me and I will live my life with or without him in it.  I talked to “C” about the situation and he is very supportive and that helps.

He believes I have a handle on my son’s train of thought and I should not allow him to hurt me in any way. If “C” hadn’t been here for me I don’t know what I would have done. “C” and I are no more because of that fuck in france. “C” called me a bit ago and the truth finally came out.

He couldn’t admit it to my face but my son was a big problem for him and then he dropped the bomb, he is bisexual and has a male lover. Aint that fucking grand? Well, I am glad I didn’t do him cause who knows where he has been laying his pipe, he swears he always has worn a condom but we both know there are moments in the heat of passion….

The thought of him fucking some guy in the ass turns me off, to each their own but the thought of him on all fours and some guy plowing him makes me ill. I just cannot do a bisexual man, I just can’t.

 

He has to man up take his meds and be responsible because I will not have a kid living at home once he is legal. He doesn’t want me to be happy and he doesn’t want me to date anyone.