Mr. Sandman

I have been feeling very uneasy the last four or five days and it’s because of the “trip” and how uncomfortable I have been feeling. I have been wanting and needing to get away from my life and just leaving it like a snake sheds it’s skin.

That is what I am doing now that I am feeling better that a “friend” is going to meet me in NY. I really like him and he and I get along so well when we chat. I need to be held first and foremost and just need to feel a bit of affection, real or not.

It’s been so long since I have had a man’s arms around me and it is time to feel it again. Bob has been gone sixteen months and they have been very long months. I have had many reminders of his death when I moved the bedroom around and the blood was on the walls.

I cleaned the furniture and more blood as well as on the floor, I do not know who it was worse for him or I but it killed us both never the less. Going thru a divorce to get back together and three days later finding out your spouse has a month to live, well that is hard damn hard.

I can honestly say I am sad at this very moment thinking back to him the hospital bed and the leukemia taking over his body and him throwing up the blood and packing his nose with wet tea bags to help stop the bleeding. I didn’t know a thing about leukemia or platelets but I learned damned quick, no platelets nothing to hold your blood together and you bleed out.

The kids refused to go into the bedroom when the third week came and he could barely get out of bed with my help. Damn, it really hurts to remember those days as I did what I had to do and didn’t think twice about it as I one day ran into the next.

The kids knew the end was coming but just couldn’t bring themselves to see their dad and my step daughters, well I had to fucking beg them, literally in tears begging them to come see him even though that hadn’t spoken in a decade he needed to clear up some things.

Same with Kay is second x-wife, I had her come as well, surely not for me but for the both of them as they had children together, spent their youth together and had a life together. She had every right to see him and I am glad she came to the funeral as well.

I am no hero, I am no one special but I can see beyond myself and my needs and no people do not treat you like they would like to be treated. Does that matter? No it does not because I have to live with me and no one else has to and God is my leader even though you would never think so.

I have learned much about pain and injustice and I am not going to do what others have done to me, I do not need to stoop that low and never will. I am very spiritual and have learned to do what is best for me so I pave my own way.

People can’t believe I went out of my way to get Bob’s kids and x-wife here to see him but the truth is I was lead down that road and did the “right” thing for me. Trust me, if I were Bob and he had been me he would have never made the calls.

But isn’t that Kimberly? Always Kimberly thinking of others, doing for others, wanting to be treated the way she treats others. Well, guess the fuck what? Others are not like Kimberly and that is ok because that is what makes me, me.

I probably appear like a stupid fool to you but I don’t care because I do not care what others think because if I did, I wouldn’t be living my life, I would be living a life for someone else. I have brought my grandmother home to die and was with her when she passed, my aunt died of legionairres, my brother was found dead, my husband died last April and my Dad passed in January.

I have lost my entire support system in the last five years and my mother and sister are just kind of out there somewhere. We really do not communicate and my sister and I talk because I have involved her in a legal dispute which will send money her way, and boy she loves green.

We didn’t talk for several years because she did a horrific thing but I had to reach out to her for reasons I do not care to get into at this point. I have had a whirlwind life the past several years, fighting like hell during a divorce that never happened was the beginning.

I fell for someone, yes I fell hard and no we never met or had any physical relationship but he showed me what it was like to feel cared for. No he didn’t care for me but scammed the hell out of me but I learned so much more from this one person than from anyone else I have ever known.

I left the marriage because I was so miserably unhappy and then we got back together, my step daughter called the state on me right after my husband passed because I was an emotional mess. The state took my kids, I got thrown in jail, my dogs were given away and the list goes on.

When you lose your kids that is hard but damn to take my dogs, my dogs got me through the divorce, the loneliness and emptiness, the saddest of times and the tears that never cease to stop flowing. I am putting this all behind me now and happy days are on their way.

Im going to NY and a “friend” is going to meet me, we have chatted for a very long time on and off and now we are going to meet. I look forward to adult conversation and just relaxing, my agenda is motel with kitchen, cook stay naked in bed eat, shower play around, get romantic and start all over again.

Fine, so call me a slut, I relish the name so thank you as I have not been with a man in years and it’s time, yes it’s about time to feel the arms of another, listen to their heart beat, feel the warmth of their body. It’s all sounds so damn wonderful I cannot wait for some R & R. Rest and Rape, yes a lady must be a whore in the bedroom and a great cook in the kitchen, hell at least I have one of them covered, literally lol, the bed, covered? get it. roflmao I’m such a stupid fuck sometimes

Time

“Time is not infinite, time will not wait for anyone and if in your heart lies the lyrics of  a love song and you do not let the instruments of  your life play your tune, time will indeed pass you by and the love that could have been yours will be but a memory.” Kimberly