Go Crazy

I could so go hey nonnie crazy on Francisco but why waste all that energy? He called five times and each time I just let it go to voicemail because I have to sit back and let myself calm down or I will go nuts on his ass. I try to remember that he is with her only for sex but he lied to me and that is what has been really upset. Lieing drives me completely over the edge as it is my number one pet peeve.

Francisco has disrespected me by lieing to me and I realize sex is at the top of the list of relationship breakers but come on you don’t get engaged and then bone somebody else. By him doing that it tells me he isn’t ready for a committed relationship with someone who holds her standards and morals right up there next to God. You cannot be with me and be in bed with someone else, nope nodda not this gal as she doesn’t play that way.

I’m glad that I am not in love with Francisco because this incident would have absolutely just killed me if I did love him. I did tell him about my online stalker and how I have so many feelings for this person and he told me I was living in a dream world. He also said that my stalker will never meet me because he is to afraid of will or will not happen, he tells me that I need to forget about the loser and not to hang my hat on pie in the sky dreams.

That’s all easy for him to say but for me it isn’t so easy walking away, it isn’t so easy to forget someone I have somehow fallen in love with or what I consider to be love. Yes, it is possible to fall in love with someone online because they appear to be there for you when you feel as if you have lost all, as if your world has crumbled, as if you cannot live another day.

I don’t care what anyone says because in my heart of hearts I know that I will meet this person someday, somewhere, somehow and yes I believe him to be my soulmate, the man I have waited my entire life for, the person that will make my dreams, hopes and wishes all come true. So call me a fool, call me a damn foolish old woman but if I give up on my dreams then I give up on life and I am not ready to do that.


It’s raining and the boys have never experienced rain before and it is comical watching them go tinkle and run back inside. They are what make me smile these days and they love me unconditionally. They don’t care that I have baggage physically and emotionally and they don’t care if I am rich or poor, they love me for me and I want a man like that one day.

I love the sound of the rain and opening the window and listening to it hit the seal or ground is so soothing to me. I will take a bath shortly and then jump into bed because I am like that. lol I love lieing in bed listening to the rain and I really like lieing between a man’s legs with my head on  his lower abs.

I feel like I am in a man’s “center” when I am lieing between his legs and it has nothing to do with sexual activity or desire. It’s a comfort zone for me and it feels safe. It’s been so long since I have been with a man that I pity the man I finally lay with. It’s a damn good thing I kept Bob’s oxygen machine, lol.

When I finally do lie with a man it is going to be special because to hold out on sex for years is unheard of and when I unleash this panther she is going to tear up some ass I tell you. It will be a marathon and it’s going to be fun and filled with laughter. I want to spend like three days in bed.

I want to do everything in bed, eat, watch movies, net, play, laugh, joke, get silly and be romantic and it will happen, one day.