Our Time

Have you ever been in a situation that kept two hearts apart? You think about this person from the time you wake up until you go back to bed and then you dream about them? Have you ever felt that there was this special person just waiting for the right time to be in your life? 

Have you ever just wanted to be next someone even if there is no conversation, just their presence? Have you ever loved someone with every ounce of your being? I want to be with him every second of the day for a while, lol then I would need some space and I am sure he would too.

I finally found my passport and planning my trip to Nigeria, I am sure I will have to get shots again so here we go redoing again. I am making so many positive changes in my life that I am feeling good about the direction I am going in. I hope he becomes part of my life but that choice is his.

He knows we belong together but I have never pictured myself with someone like him. I am sure he has never pictured himself with someone like me either, but that is the beauty in the relationship. Both of us have so much to offer each other to make us better people and that’s what life is about, being a better person.

I have to say life will be very lonely without him because he is my best friend and I think I am up there on his friend list. We will miss each other greatly but it’s time for us to be together. The stars say it’s time and that is what I follow, relationships are very important to me and I take all the help I can get as far as timing.

It’s time for us to come together and we will be together because I know he doesn’t want to lose me, besides he can’t wait for me to take control in the bedroom. He can’t wait for me to lick him from toes to head and then face, lol, I can’t wait just to give him a hug and show him what a real kiss is all about.

Green Light

Relationships are like traffic lights and one should know when to stop at the red and the yellow is a warning. People try to rush things and that isn’t a good thing for any relationship, all I know is life is too short to wait for tomorrow.

We take time for granted when we really shouldn’t and if you want to be with someone, be with them because you do not know how much time you will have that person. When people really love you they forgive you for your discrepancies and they stand by your side.

If you are one of the foolish ones that want to wait until they have enough money, own a big house and car or can retire then you are wasting precious moments that you cannot afford to waste. We fool ourselves into believing that special person will always be there.

When we realize that the special person is moving on we begin to panick and try to make a connection before it is too late. If you are the one moving on you know that moving on is damn hard but is possible and the one you waited so long for could redeem themselves if they chose but you will not wait for that day, and that is where I am.

I am moving on and yes it is sad and it is a death in many ways but I have to love myself first and let love in my life. I waited and waited, forgave time and time again but I have finally reached the move on point.

I do miss him terribly and when I try to call he no longer answers his phone so I have given up totally. I would have thought he would have called and said he was sorry for forgetting my birthday or that I wasn’t important enough or something was more important, at least something.

This shows me he doesn’t love me or care so moving on is the right choice for me. If he is one of those type that is to ashamed and has no excuse then grow some balls and be a damn man, I have had to grow balls for myself so it can be done.

Love is damn hard to find and when you find someone who loves you and you love them then grab it because love doesn’t ride a carousel and it won’t be there forever. It has taken me so damn long to find love but I have to let it go because it isn’t mutual.

I am spending more time with “C”, I only use the first letter of his name because his name is so damn long, something about those latinos and long names. He is sweet but something isn’t fitting into this picture right and I do not know what it is other than the memory of another.

I wish he would just let me be free, no contact at all so I can move on with “C” because this is the first guy I have started to see since my husband passed. It is different and strange but welcome and comforting. So if you are reading this let me go please because there is no us and never was.

There is no money ever going to you again so forget that and besides you are finally doing well enough on your own again. Let me have the happiness I deserve because you do not want to be with me anyway.

We both know you could have been with me long ago but then that might have caused you trouble with a certain someone at the time. Well, that time is done and over and in your past and you still have chosen not to come meet me, so cut me loose and go on your way, please.

Skipping Through Life

My son attempted suicide two nights ago and is in ICU, they took the tube out of his throat this afternoon and he is pissed he is alive. He was very very verbally abusive to me and doesn’t want to see me, fine.

He wants his computer so he can post fb crap and I will have none of it. He has only his sister and myself and he thinks he’s coming home tomorrow, no way. He will go from ICU to a psychiatric hospital and then a long term psychiatric facility and it’s best that he doesn’t see me.

I have done the best I can with no family and my husband died last yr. so I am all alone, now I completely alone without my kids. It’s fine, I’m ok and the truth is I can finally breathe a sigh of relief as my son has put me through my paces and I need a break.

It’s time for me to leave my husband buried and open myself up to emotional and physical love, which I have had neither in years. Marriage doesn’t guarantee love or committment even though he never cheated, there was no love. We were best friends and that was the extent of the relationship.

I will never marry again because I do not believe another person has the right to tell anyone else what they can and cannot do. Marriage doesn’t guarantee anything but a divorce and who needs the hassle?

If you want out go, why pay lawyers? Just go and it’s all good. Marriage does not have the meaning or value system it once held and people do not have the morals and beliefs they once had.

I’m looking forward to skipping through life enjoying every minute and doing all that I have ever wanted to do and see all that I have wanted to see. I love foreign cultures and am looking forward to savoring what life has to offer.

Let the adventure begin………………………..

About Me

Hello,

                    I am a 53 yr. old female mother of a 17 yr. old daughter and 15 yr. old son. My husband of almost 18 yrs. passed away last April and I started this blog as an outlet for the loss of my husband, the trials and tribulations of a widow, mother, women.

I do not pull any punches and I am straight forward and honest. I am sure some of my blog will make you laugh, cry, wonder, question and make you go hmm. but I am sure you will find it entertaining because I am one of those stupid funny people.

The kind of person that manages to do some strange shit just because. I am a kid at heart and prefer to live life that way as life gets to serious for me sometimes and I have to pull out my Mrs. Beasley doll for comfort.

I am very emotional and high-strung but damn I am fun and can make your day turn from shit to sunshine in a blink of an eye. I am a humanitarian and a very spiritual person, I love deeply, commit strongly, give to often and try to  help everyone.

I am self-sufficient and do not need anyone to take care of me but thank you for offering.  I am very brazen, sensual, sexual, excitable and compassionate. Yes, I have my faults but please, let’s focus on the good shit, and o ya my son and myself are bipolar.

Photo on 6-22-13 at 12.40 PM #2 Photo on 6-22-13 at 12.40 PM #3 Photo on 6-22-13 at 12.40 PM #4 Photo on 6-22-13 at 12.40 PM

The Dead Breathe Life

My husband passed away sixteen months ago on the 26th of August and as I sit watching my son play xbox I see my husband. My son has my husband’s build and it’s one of those days where sadness has touched me once again.

I get sad when I think of Bob and I do not know why, maybe it’s because he was so sick for so many years and how he fought so hard not to die over the years. I think back to the kids looking through the railings on the balcony as the ems took him out on a gurney.

I can see their scared little faces like it was a minute ago and how helpless I felt when it came to comforting them as I had no one to comfort me. It’s very difficult to know today may be the day your spouse dies and to live like that for twelve years was hard.

I visit the cemetery and clean his grave and the kids visit as well, cemeteries are for the living and when I visit I talk to him and sometimes I am not so nice. His death and breathed life into me and I know that is so wrong to say but as much as I miss him, we were never really meant to be.

We were brought together so he could give me children and I could take care of him up until he died and that is what I did. I am no hero I am just someone that does what she believes in her heart to be right and now that he is gone, it’s time for me to live again.

My husband told me I was the best wife he had had, lmao I told him ya three strikes your out buddy. He neglected to mention he had been married twice before, just a minor detail when you are committing your life to someone, wouldn’t you say?

I would really like to sell my home because the memories here are sometimes hard to deal with and I want to close that door and move on but it’s hard when you have no one to distract you and make you feel wanted yes it is very hard. I wish I had a distraction, a lover, a friend.

Destine To Be

I am very spiritual and believe strongly in God but I am not a “Jesus Freak” or pound the pavement trying to get others to believe in my beliefs. I am a “quiet” believer in God as I carry him within my heart but do not speak of what I believe in to others.

Everyone has the right to believe in their own form of “God” and I believe God has a plan for each and every one of us. I believe that God protects and watches over me and I believe he has chosen who I shall spend the rest of my life with.

I am a one man woman and do not take relationships lightly, I am totally committed or not committed at all and that is how I am when I am involved with someone. That person becomes the only one that gets my affection and I find that hard for others to do.

I want to be of help to the person of my affections and I want to see that their life is happy and I am always there for them. I accept them for who they are and do not try to change them as I do not want anyone to try and change me.

I have my quirks like most people but nothing dramatic or out of the ordinary, I love to make people laugh and make them happy and I enjoy taking care of the one that is receiving my love. Love is defined differently by each person but I believe it is respect, caring, helping, understanding, communication and so much more.

I want love in my life and I want to share my life with another, I have reached the point that I am ready for a relationship. It’s been a year and one half since my husband passed and I have not been with a man since he passed.

You know when you are finally ready to get involved and for me it’s been a hell of a long time but yes I am ready and I know that I am ready to love someone and to be loved by them. I want to be held so bad and feel the arms of a man around me.

I want to lie in bed next to man and feel loved, really feel loved and I want to have fun and enjoy life with another. I hadn’t realized that life without love is quite barren until recently, yes I do want to be loved and to love and I want to laugh and be silly.

I do not know why God is keeping the man of my affections from coming to me but I do believe everything happens when it is suppose to and not a minute sooner. You cannot speed up what God controls and you cannot make things happen before their time.

We are destine to be together one day as that is what God has planned for both of us. He set the wheels in motion three years ago and they are still spinning. One day I will be with my soul mate and that day cannot come soon enough.