It Gets Lonely

For some reason  I am remembering when I was never lonely and the holidays were always so happy. I remember being a young child playing in the snow making angels and twirling with my arms out catching the snow flakes. I remember the steel round sleds with the handles on each side as I slid down the hillside.

I remember the hot cocoa by the fire watching traditional movies and I remember my grandmother’s cooking. I remember the Easter baskets filled with goodies and spring turning into summer and swimming in the creek. I remember the laughter and good times and I miss them so.

As an adult there is not a single holiday that has my attention and I no longer hear the laughter or play in the snow. What happened to that little girl? Where did she go? Now I am an adult looking back on happier times as I one day to the next just melt into each other.

Sleeping alone, waking up alone, eating alone and just being alone is how I live my life these days. My heart is sad and I do not know why. maybe it’s because I have given up on a dream that has sustained me for years or maybe it’s because I have finally accepted the finality.

How Lonely

I know how lonely it is to be single but from my own experience I have found it worse to be married and lieing in the same bed with someone who makes you feel lonely. For so many years that is how I felt in bed with my husband, I felt empty and lonely and  I walked through each day wearing my game face and pretending to be happy. Now that I am a widow I find being lonely comes and goes but in my marriage it became every day.

I think the worse thing to live with is being married and wanting to be with someone else because when your spouse wants sex the only way you can perform is by falling into the fantasy you play over and over in your mind. You begin to pick fights over stupid shit and you resent certain things your partner does and if you married young you begin to look at your spouse as if they are your prisoner. You begin to feel cheated out of so much in life and the resentment builds.

There comes a time in our lives when we have to look at ourselves and put our happiness first even though others may be hurt by our decisions, in the long run everyone does accept our decisions and we begin a new life. It isn’t easy to go after your dreams especially if someone is going to be hurt but we also cannot live a life that we are not happy with. Everyone has a right to go after their dreams, hopes and wishes because that’s why we have them to begin with, to strive after.

The One

Most people are taken by beauty of the face and thin bodies and they walk right past the girl who is overweight and not so beautiful. Yes, she may be beautiful and thin today but what will she look like in years to come? The facelift and botox will look like shit and yes she will end up with a fat ass most likely.

The women that have the good hearts, take care of their man and are good people sit on the park bench waiting patiently for someone to love them. That used to be me but no longer because I finally see my own self worth and those that do not have time for me are the losers in the grand scheme of things.

You think arm candy is going to make others jealous? Do you think the pretty woman with no personality is going to make you happy or the girl who wants to be with you because of who you are? All of us need to be cared for and loved but looks and a skinny body won’t guarantee that you get that.

Do not look my way and say “I can’t handle her because she is to wild” because you do not know me, all you know is the fisod I hide behind, the words that make you laugh while I am crying. You do not know who I really am and you do not want to take the time to get to know the real me.

Those that do know me know that I am as real as a person can be and I am a very warm and loving woman. You go on and chase that skirt and hope for the best because more than likely it won’t last because she will not give you what you want or need. She will play silly school girl games blowing smoke up your ass when you really need a foot up it.

Don’t compare me to others because there is no comparison and if you don’t like me now you sure won’t like me anymore later. There are a few things I like about myself and that is I don’t put on airs for anyone, what you see is what you get, I do not spend an hour putting on makeup and I never try to impress anyone.

The only relationship I was committed to for the last eighteen years was my marriage and no I never cheated even though I was unhappy and unsatisfied. When I am involved in a loving relationship I give my all plus more and I do whatever is necessary to keep the relationship fun and healthy.

I may not be the one for you but I am the one for someone who will see my worth and be more than happy to have me by his side. I say I will never get married again but who knows? Maybe I will and maybe I won’t it all depends on him and the situation and definitely on how the relationship goes.

I want a relationship that is committed but not stifling, filled with love and good times and work through the rough and bad times. I want a relationship where we communicate our problems to each other and not other people. I want a relationship that I know I can always count on the person and they can always count on me and I want a relationship that we are each other’s cheerleader without insecurities and jealousy.

Is there such a person out there? Is there such a relationship? I believe there is and my life is changing before my eyes and I want to share that with someone who is ready to really enjoy life. I want a relationship with someone who wants to grow with me and grow within themselves and I want to make someone smile every time they think of me.

I do believe in time I will have what I want and need and I am in no hurry to fill the other side of my bed. I have not given up on my hopes and wishes and I have not given up on my dreams. I might have modify them a bit but that is alright as well because I can be flexible.

Bipolar Bad Ass

I am writing about bipolar disorder because it’s time to celebrate and share how well I am doing. I didn’t talk about it for the longest time because I was so afraid that I would have a major set back but that has yet to happen.

I was doing some really fucked up things when I was ill, I was meeting men that I didn’t know but all I did was smoke some weed with them. One guy wanted me to put on his x wifes fur coat and that was weird so I didn’t do it and made some excuse to leave.

I got scammed out of 23 grand, yes you read it right, 23 thousand dollars because I was so “in love” with a no name no face person on the internet. I was so desperate for love that he got me at the perfect time in my life, when I was weak and vulnerable.

When you are ill you feel so bad about yourself and when someone starts to build you up you grab a hold of them like they are a life saver. You get caught up in the bullshit they lay on you and you start to have feelings for someone you have no clue who the fuck they are.

You forget shit and lose stuff, go on spending sprees and sex sprees, you are very loud and appear disoriented, which you are at times. The mania keeps you up for days and you are wound for sound until the lows hit you with the force of a locomotive.

Depression sucks you down and you have no desire to do a damn thing and when it’s really bad, you do not shower, brush your teeth, hair and you have no desire to take care of your hygiene what so ever. You have no desire to do a damn thing and only do what is absolutely necessary.

You walk through the days without any desires at all and you  care about nothing or anybody, you are just walking dead. The depression makes you feel so down that suicide is the only escape or so you think at the time.

I was going to hang myself, I had the rope hanging from the garage door frame and had the dead man’s noose ready to go and Bob, my husband came home and stopped me. I was so ready to hand myself and I wasn’t thinking twice about it either.

But those days are gone, yes they are behind me and I am well, finally I am feeling great ok maybe not great but pretty damn good about myself. It’s a very hard illness to control and I have been trying to control it since I was diagnosed in 2002.

It’s been ten years of pure hell but I have finally gotten the beast under control and I am aware that I could succumb to the illness again. I keep a strict eye on myself and take my meds, see my dr. and go to counseling.

When you are down you cannot see up and do not believe you will ever feel better again but there is hope even though you may think there is none. If the truth must be known and it must if you are not getting better then you have several options.

First, let your doctor know that the meds aren’t working and if he/she doesn’t change your “cocktail” to your liking by the fourth time then it’s time to change doctors.Do not hesitate to change your doctor or voice your concerns.

For those that prefer holistic meds add marijuana, yes I know we have been programmed to think marijuana is a bad drug. Look at the side effects of all your meds and you will find that marijuana is so much healthier for you as is other naturals.

Smoking weed really does help as it relaxes you and puts you in a euphoric state of mind. Yes, it helps hell it helps a lot and is quite beneficial, I find it to be a “friend’ that cares and helps me unwind and chill out for a while.

My father passed in January and him and I would smoke weed together as we talked and he taught me new things. He was big into holistic medicine and he could control pain like no one I ever knew, he passed at home from colon cancer and I gave him hash laced joints for the pain in the very end days.

My dad was 74 when he passed and he smoked weed his entire life and he didn’t think twice about smoking and he accepted everyone for who they were. My dad’s IQ was off the charts and he created new laws, worked on a secret project for the govt, and he came up with money saving ways for a hamburger chain.

My dad knew I was ill and he tried to help me and keep me focused, he could tell when things were not going good for me and he knew when the mania had taken hold of me. My dad was someone special and I knew him as a man not a father.

He had me try different herbs and such to help me and he loved me even though he never said it. My father and I had no relationship until six years ago and the relationship we had built was special and I miss him so much but he accepted me for who I was, illness and all.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot get better as that is a fucking lie, there are those that get better and I am here to stand up and say “fuck you I am better and you cannot knock me down”. Never give up and let go, never accept what others say.

I am the proverbial bipolar bad ass as I have overcome adversity and I have become one of the few that have gotten that bastard under control. You can never give up or give in because it’s up to you and you alone to take a stand and get help.