Turning Tables

He is gone, the wind he whistles to me in hopes that I can hear him. He is turning tables on me now, He has left me empty handed and praying to the Lord for help and guidance. He just left, no good byes, no see ya laters, no anything as he just walked out the door leaving his body behind.

His soul flew high and he is soaring high without me and he doesn’t need me any longer but someone else does, I am sure. Every year he was here giving me unwanted presents at xmas and now that I want those household items he isn’t here to give them. Everytime I see a front load washer and dryer I think of him.

Is it stupid? Is it a bit narcissistic? Is it about being confused and uncertain? He watches and laughs as he knows I will find my way somehow and he knows he is tripping me up. He always wanted to trip me up and now he is and he no longer has me chasing pavement, he is gone, his spirit is above.

It’s hard to be without my husband at times and I miss him because I wanted to keep him alive and I tried with every ounce of who I am. I lost battle and the war and he won as he looks down and says “See, I knew you would miss me”. He haunts me and he touches my shoulder as I cry and he says ” honey, I left so the one that should be with you will be with you, don’t give up hope on your dreams because he will come to you and make you so happy”.

I have accepted the fact that my husband did fall for me and loved me. He couldn’t let go of the best thing that ever happened to him. Those are his words not mine, I was a damn good wife and I am a damn good mother regardless of my present circumstances. My husband wants me to move on and let in the love I want so desperately.

He gave me a life pass to search and find myself and the love that should be in my life. He is a kind loving man and he supports me and has let me go long ago. It has always felt like he was there judging me, condemning me, criticising me, when the fact is he only supported me all along.

Who’s Really There?

There’s no tomorrow without you by my side, there is no today without your hand in mine, there is no yesterday because you were not at my side. I am so strong you say but do you know how really weak I am? Do you know my tears shed so often over the thought of you and I?

I do not want you to come to me as you are not yet free to chose your choosings and I do not want to be a result of one of your choices. I want you to come to me freely, openly and honestly and until you can do that I do not want you.

You have tried to replace me but you cannot and will not because I am irreplaceable, I am not like others, I am a gem in a hidden box upon the highest shelf, I hide from those that want only my worth and none of my inner beauty.

I am not of the devil and I am not of the sea, I am of the heavens yes look up that is me, I am of God’s work I am of his vision. I bring to the earth the special package from my Lord and in it is a gift to you. It is the power and wisdom to know what you need more than what you want.

Take this gift and open it, breathe it into your soul or world, your heart. Follow the path and cherish the journey as you are a shaper of the mind and hearts of many, you set the growth and fill idealism of many a child as well as adult.

Your gift has been rewarding but do you know how many you have rewarded? Do you know how many lives you have changed? shaped? directed? I am so proud of the man you are as you have learned wisely from years of walking the edge.

Your heart is pure no matter how black it has been at times, you do not see the man in the mirror, no you do not see the colors you have painted so many a world. You bite down on yourself and do not see the worth within yourself and that is sometimes quite sad.

You are a man of humanity and humility, you suffer in silence while smiling at the world, no one sees your tears, feels your sobs or wipes your tears, it is a lonely life you live, such a very lonely life for such a man. I pray for your happiness every day and I pray for you to accept inner peace and accept me into your life.