The Acceptance

Young love is so great because we learn to share ourselves with someone else and to build a life together, have children, raise our family and hopefully grow old together. This doesn’t happen often any longer as the world has changed so much. We still fall in love, have children and then we grow apart and realize we are no longer in love with that one person we thought to be our everything.

Night after night we sit at the same dinner table, walk the same hallways, talk of the children and then we go to bed sleeping on the edge of the bed. Things change as we no longer cuddle with the one we love, we no longer make love with passion and desire and we become nothing more than a sexual object that turns into nothing but a physical release. We are no longer happy with that person and we no longer think about them constantly and want to be with them.

We stay in a stagnant relationship for the sake of the children and we try to make things work the only way we know how but in our hearts we know the end isn’t to far off. We wait as long as we can before we make that final departure. We use excuses like we have to many bills to pay alone, the kids would be totally devastated and they couldn’t live with just one full time parent, we use so many excuses but the truth is we fear starting over and going it alone.

Then there are some of us that made the decision to move on and then wam, we find out that, that one person we have shared so much of our life with is dieing and we do what is right, what is humane and what a person of compassion does. We bring that person home to die and we care for them and try to make their last days easy. The end comes not unexpected but dreaded and we find ourselves all alone in this world.

We try to do the best we can as everyday is a fight, a battle and no there is no comfort in a big empty house or empty bed. We hold onto our pillows and shed our tears onto the sheets and we wonder will there ever be another person that loves us, that wants to share our life, someone who shows us that love is still out there and we just have to wait until the timing is right to meet that new love.

We eventually meet our second love, the person that will be with us until we die, the one that becomes wrinkled and aged but still loves us for the person we are, not the beauty we used to be in youthful years. We spend our time with that one special love that holds are hand as we walk together, that one person that is always concerned about us and our health and the one that will love us for eternity.

The One

Most people are taken by beauty of the face and thin bodies and they walk right past the girl who is overweight and not so beautiful. Yes, she may be beautiful and thin today but what will she look like in years to come? The facelift and botox will look like shit and yes she will end up with a fat ass most likely.

The women that have the good hearts, take care of their man and are good people sit on the park bench waiting patiently for someone to love them. That used to be me but no longer because I finally see my own self worth and those that do not have time for me are the losers in the grand scheme of things.

You think arm candy is going to make others jealous? Do you think the pretty woman with no personality is going to make you happy or the girl who wants to be with you because of who you are? All of us need to be cared for and loved but looks and a skinny body won’t guarantee that you get that.

Do not look my way and say “I can’t handle her because she is to wild” because you do not know me, all you know is the fisod I hide behind, the words that make you laugh while I am crying. You do not know who I really am and you do not want to take the time to get to know the real me.

Those that do know me know that I am as real as a person can be and I am a very warm and loving woman. You go on and chase that skirt and hope for the best because more than likely it won’t last because she will not give you what you want or need. She will play silly school girl games blowing smoke up your ass when you really need a foot up it.

Don’t compare me to others because there is no comparison and if you don’t like me now you sure won’t like me anymore later. There are a few things I like about myself and that is I don’t put on airs for anyone, what you see is what you get, I do not spend an hour putting on makeup and I never try to impress anyone.

The only relationship I was committed to for the last eighteen years was my marriage and no I never cheated even though I was unhappy and unsatisfied. When I am involved in a loving relationship I give my all plus more and I do whatever is necessary to keep the relationship fun and healthy.

I may not be the one for you but I am the one for someone who will see my worth and be more than happy to have me by his side. I say I will never get married again but who knows? Maybe I will and maybe I won’t it all depends on him and the situation and definitely on how the relationship goes.

I want a relationship that is committed but not stifling, filled with love and good times and work through the rough and bad times. I want a relationship where we communicate our problems to each other and not other people. I want a relationship that I know I can always count on the person and they can always count on me and I want a relationship that we are each other’s cheerleader without insecurities and jealousy.

Is there such a person out there? Is there such a relationship? I believe there is and my life is changing before my eyes and I want to share that with someone who is ready to really enjoy life. I want a relationship with someone who wants to grow with me and grow within themselves and I want to make someone smile every time they think of me.

I do believe in time I will have what I want and need and I am in no hurry to fill the other side of my bed. I have not given up on my hopes and wishes and I have not given up on my dreams. I might have modify them a bit but that is alright as well because I can be flexible.

Foolish Hearts

Life can be so rough and we tend to reach out to the ones we love when we need support. We even end up fooling ourselves about the people we love or should I say a person. Our problems are so much easier to solve when we have someone we can lean on and get support and feedback from.

We fool ourselves everyday believing what ever we have chosen to believe in and that includes people. People say “I love you” when they really don’t and they say it like just to say it and make someone believe that is how they really feel. We fool ourselves into believing we are in love with someone when we really are not.

Emotions are rulers of the stone and they can move mountains, we invest so much time into looking for love that when we have it standing in front of us we can no longer see it. Every one is searching for love and acceptance and I am no exception. We allow ourselves to be so starved for affection and that is why we fall victim to our own feelings.

You cannot be in love someone you have never met and I have finally figured out that I have fallen in love with the voice, the words and the support I once felt. I am finally opening my eyes to how I have been living my life and that is behind a cloud of smoke and mirrors and now the smoke has cleared.

You can get sucked in so easily by others when you have low self esteem and you are lonely. You fall for scammers and buy the lies handed to you, you are no longer the person you once were and you are just a shell of yourself. You have to be able to face the truth of truths but most of us do not want the truth, we want happy lies.

I have feelings for someone and I once thought those feelings were love because I was so desperate for love but I can finally see that I have lived a lie for years. I am finally starting to see a real person and we are having real conversations and really good moments so far.

This is the first person I have dated since my husband passed and it feels good to finally look at my future with bright lights and clean sheets. I am ready to let someone get close to me again and I am ready to make love once again. Many people have asked me how I have gone without sex and the answer is quite simple-if you were in a car accident would you think of a great meal at the time? 

No, you would not you would think about surviving the accident and what needs to be repaired and the cost of course. That is how I have gone without sex, when my husband died it was like a traffic accident and I am the car that has been getting repaired. I have finally gotten myself repaired or at least I have worked damn hard trying to fix myself.

I write almost every day because it is very therapeutic for me and it helps me to unload the feelings I have without having to have every damn word analyzed and weighed. I have changed counselors because the one I was seeing started to inject her own feelings and beliefs and that is not what she is paid for.

I am moving slow with the person I am seeing because this is all so new to me, the dating game and it can end up badly if I am not very cautious. I am a victim to my own emotions and I have to keep them in check. I do not fall easily but when I do watch out because it’s all or nothing.

So for this gal there will be no more feelings of love for anyone but my children until I feel secure enough in any relationship to let my guard down. I will no longer allow myself to live a lie and I will no longer fall for the hard luck stories of others because every time I help someone they burn me.

I am wearing my hazmat suit for protection and I have on my shit kickers for those that try to play me and steal from me or use me. The man I fall in love with will be a very lucky man in many ways because I am a damn good woman from an era long gone and I love being naked, lol.

Who R U?

Do any of us really know what are purpose in this life is? Do any of us know what we truly want to accomplish? Do any of us really know what love is or is it just an emotion we follow? I can honestly say I do not really know what love is because I have never experienced it.

There was no love in my family ever and my mother was nothing more than an embryonic incubator. She was lacking the love of a mother and chose to be physically and abusive. We are given the opportunity to either walk in the shoes of others or to go in the opposite direction.

I have gone in the opposite direction and I believe the reason I let myself fall into a “relationship” that has been unfullfilling is because I do not know what it’s like to be fulfilled. I do not know what it is like to be loved without being used at the same time and I do not know why love has been so hard for me to find.

My life has been filled with so much pain that I have no choice but to believe it is the only way I can pay my karmic debt. Love has abandoned me for lessons, hard lessons to learn. I also believe I am the way I am because I have been given a mission to complete before I die.

I believe I make others life easier because it is my destiny to do so and one day I will have earned the happiness that is due to me. It’s going to be with someone who deserves me and I deserve them, we will have a common bond to help others as that is what I do best.

I am not one to hurt others and I feel empathy for so many and can actually feel their pain. I do not harbor hate but anger yes because I have allowed myself to be used and toyed with. This behavior stopped today as I was hurt very badly by the lack of consideration of another.

People can hide for only so long and the real person comes out and we can hide from ourselves for only so long and then we finally look in the mirror and see the real person behind the face. We see our insecurities, failings and where we need to grow and I saw that person today staring back at me.

I cannot blame others for hurting me because I have to blame myself for letting them and when I stop letting them is when they will stop hurting me. Blaming others isn’t solving the problem it only makes us deny the truth within ourselves. We are responsible for what happens and how we feel.

 

Where Is The Love

People say “I love you” all the time, they say it as easy as saying “hello” or “goodbye”. Telling someone you love them should not be said to use or manipulate someone, saying those words should only be said when they are really from the heart. People say they love you then ask you for money or other material shit.

Don’t tell me you love me and want to do something nice for me, because if you think I want something material you are so damn blind you cannot see me for who I really am. I am not interested in your cheap gifts even if it costs a million dollars, it’s still cheap to me because it’s an easy way out of giving yourself. If you are not willing to give yourself then your love is tainted and useless, cold and barren and means absolutely nothing to me.

I don’t want shiny packages delivered to my door, I want you delivered to my arms and if you cannot do that then go away and stay away because you cause nothing but pain. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a truth meter? A meter that would expose your lies and sift out the truth, a meter that would show me what is real and what is a lie. You hurt and hurt and think nothing of it and I find that I can no longer hold on to air, dreams in the sky and wishes from the sea.

Twisted

Ok, it’s time to admit I am one twisted human being, I like to do weird shit that most people would never think of. I’ve been known to dance with a mannequin, walk in six inches of snow to the mail box naked, moon someone who pissed me off in Wal-Mart. Yes, I do shit like that just because.

I have no reason or rhyme I just act out in outrageous ways because I enjoy it, and I love to laugh at myself. I have just been contacted on one of the dating sites by a gentlemen that is exactly like me! Now that is quite unexpected but we are having a great conversation and who knows, this might be fun.

I am not trying to make anyone jealous especially my stalker as he gets crazy and does some strange shit, I just want the world to know that I am still desirable and always lovable. I will not spend my life alone any longer and I am searching for fun and another twisted human being like myself.

About Me

Hello,

                    I am a 53 yr. old female mother of a 17 yr. old daughter and 15 yr. old son. My husband of almost 18 yrs. passed away last April and I started this blog as an outlet for the loss of my husband, the trials and tribulations of a widow, mother, women.

I do not pull any punches and I am straight forward and honest. I am sure some of my blog will make you laugh, cry, wonder, question and make you go hmm. but I am sure you will find it entertaining because I am one of those stupid funny people.

The kind of person that manages to do some strange shit just because. I am a kid at heart and prefer to live life that way as life gets to serious for me sometimes and I have to pull out my Mrs. Beasley doll for comfort.

I am very emotional and high-strung but damn I am fun and can make your day turn from shit to sunshine in a blink of an eye. I am a humanitarian and a very spiritual person, I love deeply, commit strongly, give to often and try to  help everyone.

I am self-sufficient and do not need anyone to take care of me but thank you for offering.  I am very brazen, sensual, sexual, excitable and compassionate. Yes, I have my faults but please, let’s focus on the good shit, and o ya my son and myself are bipolar.

Photo on 6-22-13 at 12.40 PM #2 Photo on 6-22-13 at 12.40 PM #3 Photo on 6-22-13 at 12.40 PM #4 Photo on 6-22-13 at 12.40 PM

Feel My

He feels my pain

And he feels my love

He feels my loneliness

He feels my happiness

He feels everything I 

Feel 

He is everything I

Feel

I want his arms around

Me

To make me feel

Safe

I want to feel his heart 

Beat

I pray it beats for

Me

And only me

My thoughts are of

Him

And him alone

My heart is open to 

Him

I hope we find a

Love

That we both

Need

We are so much

Alike

Yet we are so

Different

Let  us be the 

Lock

And key that fit together

Nicely