I have a new person living in my homes, James-he will be 18 in December and he was living with his x step dad. His mom met a millionaire who didn’t like kids and she pitched her son for this man.

James works odd jobs and he is trying to become self-reliant but he needs help. He came over and the first thing he did his hug me, tightly. He knows the pain I am feeling over my son and he went to the hospital for me.

I had to send James to tell Ryan that I turned him over to the state, I cannot tell him. I have my jeans around my ankles as I try not to trip on the cracks in the sidewalk going away from my son.

My son is breaking my heart but he has to realize I need to live as well. The one thing I did that was good today was take James in. He will help me a lot and keep me company as well. I have got to get to the orthopedic surgeon about the possible torn rotorcuff in my shoulder because the pain is getting worse.


When Ryan tried to commit suicide on Oct 1 I had to get him on the floor to give him cpr and he is a big boy. He is 6’1″ 230 lbs. or about that. I messed up my shoulder getting him on the floor.

I blew out 3 discs in my lower back helping my husband when he had his leg amputated so I am just one fine piece of physical mess not including my malfunctioning brain.


The Weight

I have had weight problems since I was in high school and I finally lost it when I graduated. I was able to control my weight until I broke my knee and could no longer work out. I had several knee surgery’s over several years and when I first broke my kneecap I had the cast on two days and my leg swelled up twice the size.

I was allergic to the casting material so they cut the cast in half to get it off and then wrap by leg in an ace bandage and used another bandage to get it on. It was a terribly painful ordeal and caused me so many problems. The weight of course piled back on and the older I get the harder it is to get rid of it.

I have seriously thought about getting the lap band, lipo suction and wiring my jaw shut and then I started to think about my neighbor, big Rick. He has the lap band and he lost a lot of weight at first but has since put it all back on. The only safe way to lose weight is the natural way.

I have finally figured out where to meet men to, at the gym of course! You can strike up some grand friendships at the gym and maybe I can be lucky enough to meet a personal trainer that won’t charge me, lol I seriously doubt that but what the heck one must always dream now shouldn’t one?


Ya I’m Hurt

Thought you were going to read about another broken heart, huh? Nope, that’s not the latest and greatest pain, nope I got one just a bit better. My doc thinks I have a torn rotator cuff and he wants me to see an orthopedic surgeon and as far as my hip, he thinks I might have a “rotten ovary” as he put it lol, fucking men.

He thinks I could have bone cancer or something wrong with the female organs, my aunt had bone cancer in her hip and she survived that. I am just to damn mean to have cancer, my cells would kick cancers ass and take names later so there aint no cancer happening on this body.

So off to the other doc next week if I dont end up in jail, that’s another story involving scum and greed. I am trying to survive on social security because I’m disabled and it isn’t easy, let me tell you. I am fortunate compared to most as I have excellent health care benefits.

If  I need surgery that won’t happen for another two years as I have no one to take my son to school or take care of him so I cannot just check out because I need surgery. Being a mom is a twenty four seven day a week  job and it hasn’t been easy being a single mom at that. 


Let Love In

There are so many people who love someone but they are not with that person. They are either married, engaged, involved with someone else. If you love someone you should let them know, you should tell them face to face not a text or email, that is tacky.

I love someone so much but I cannot express that love because he refuses to come to me. He claims to love me so much but will not come to me. It doesn’t make any sense to me and there is absolutely no excuse he can use that I will buy. I do not ask for much in this world and I would think he would want to be with me.

Maybe I’m porno to him, nice to look at and use for jacking off. I know one thing I have waited a long time to be happy with someone and yes I am ready to move on past my husband. I am so ready it almost hurts.

I had someone tell me last night that I wasn’t ready to move on, how in the hell can anyone tell you if you are ready to move on after a death of your spouse? How in the hell would they know what you feel and think? I am ready to have a relationship with someone and that is something I do know for sure.

The one thing I will never forget is how my husband died, it was terrible and I still see the blood on my hands and shirt, damn leukemia is terrible as your blood cells no longer can stay together and you throw up blood and it comes out of your nose until you finally die.

I will never forget that day and the timing was so ironic, he passed away at 2 p.m. which was an hour before the kids got home and enough time to have his body removed from the house. He was in a hospital bed and I called and had them take it out of the house that day.

So you see, after that experience and a year and one half later I am ready to move on, I am ready for a committed relationship and yes I am ready to let someone really love me. I deserve to be loved and so do you, all of us deserve to be loved and shouldn’t wait for love to come to us, instead go grab it with gusto.

Emotional Numbness

I saw my son today and he called me earlier and telling me how sorry he was and he was crying. I am emotionally numb and have been so traumatized that I cannot mentally absorb all that has happened. I am a walking zombie because I just can’t understand why and I am really lost right now.

The thing that makes me feel real bad is I have a shitload of energy since he has been gone and I am able to relax. He was really getting me upset and I was just about to flip out. I told him I wasn’t mad at him and how could I be mad at him when he doesn’t know what he is bad about.

I told him he wasn’t coming home for a while because of his admittance that he should have been dead, was a statement he made when he awoke. I refuse to have him come home and finally succeed in killing himself, I just cannot deal with that I will not. I  just got off the phone with the  hospital and they were letting him on the internet. I went nuts on them as I had signed specifically signed that i did not want him on the internet You  see how you have to watch every damn thing when it comes to medical care.

I will be having a meeting with the dr.s, social workers ect tomorrow and I will be bringing that up, damn that pisses me off. I try not to be a bitch, but damn you  are responsible for someone I love and you aren’t doing your job. I find nurses to be lazy sorry but most that I have seen are.

I cannot let Ryan come home because it won’t help him or myself and yes I miss him but I feel such relief and do not feel any guilty just a tremendous amount of sadness. You know it’s very hard to give tough love but I no choice if I want to save him and it sux, yes it plain sux, damn.

Frontal Lobe Language

When my bipolar controlled me I was at the mercy of the screaming thoughts that were so loud they sounded like voices. The self hatred came out in those thoughts and I would do things that deliberately hurt me, I wasn’t a cutter but I have broken several toes and fallen numerous times out of my own stupidity.

It is quite possible to hurt yourself over and over and not understand why you are continually causing yourself pain and injury. When I was going to hang myself it was the screaming thoughts that convinced me that I was  not worthy of living. It’s very hard to control the thoughts of self-hatred but you can stifle the mother fucker to death if you so choose.

Self-esteem is directly related to how we react to others and to ourselves and when you have no self esteem you look upon yourself as worthless, useless, a mistake and you do wish you were dead at times. You have to learn to believe in yourself and having friends that can see your illness dragging you through the shit is really important.

I have one special friend that could see I was being drug through the shit and I smelled like it as well. She started building me up very slowly as not to cover me with her bullshit as I would have seen it to be. She said nice things in small amounts and one day it finally kicked in.

I was a worthy person, I did have a purpose and use and I was worth keeping alive and no one could tell me different. I began the road of self-love and yes it was full of pot holes and muddy water but I moved passed that stage of the road and finally found smooth pavement.

I started meditating which really has helped a lot but it has taken some time to get focused enough to take control and empty my brain of all thoughts. Once you can empty your thoughts then you can begin self-healing and taking back control of your life.

I am not an island and I am not the only one that has searched for help and answers as there are so many mentally ill people searching as I did. My interest in medical procedures, medications and holistic medicine started in 2003 when my husband had his leg amputated.

The years of learning have made me venture into different areas of medicine because I felt it necessary to have as much knowledge as possible in my brain. You have to be your own medical advocate for your own safety.

Dr.s will and do abuse their fiduciary responsibility and their power medically as we are taught to trust the police, priests and doctors. We are taught not to question them or judge them when that is exactly what we must do for our own safety.

Dr.s are compensated quite well by the pharmaceutical company’s and if you don’t think they are you better think again. Dr.s push pills because they are handsomely rewarded to do just that and when you realize you are not getting better, look at the pills being pushed down your throat and who is doing the pushing.

Mental illness must be watched carefully because the big drug company’s are the ones with the patents for the major mental illness drugs. When a drug’s patent is up that is when it becomes so much cheaper because it is now labeled as generic.

Look at the drugs you are taking, are they generic? If not chances are very high your doctor is getting a kick back for pushing it on you and yes even the generics are being pushed as well. Holistic medication can and does work as good if not better than the pharmaceutical company’s harmful meds.

Look at the side effects of the medications from the company’s versus the medications available through holistic medication. I am not telling anyone to stop their meds and I am not telling anyone to change to holistic medication. What I am saying is take an interest in your health yourself and do some research, do not leave your health and welfare in the hands of anyone else.

Take control of your own health and learn as much as possible about herbs and supplements that are available and read, read, read until you are as well versed as your doctor. Know the side effects and no the alternates that are available to you.