What She Looks For

I love men, men are fun and they make me laugh which is so important to my life. The type of man who attracts me is tall, handsome, has that touch of grey, sophisticated yet funny and silly at the same time. Someone who is self made and driven to a certain degree, he is adventurous, romantic, sensual, sexy, intelligent and I can learn from him. I like men that aren’t intimidated by me and a man that can exalt me as I do him.

I don’t care what he does for a living as long as he has a job and enjoys what he is doing and he must have what I have or more. I do not have a lot so expecting a man to have as much as I do isn’t asking a lot of him. Men see my home and think I am well off but little do they know that I am not so I do not let just any man come to my home. I did bring Francisco here because the kids weren’t home and I prefer it that way.

I like men that wear fitted clothes, especially shorts and a t-shirt and someone who is just  a regular guy. I’m not asking too much and I am getting my own body in shape because I feel better for one and I want to feel good about myself once again. My husband didn’t care what I looked like and when I lost weight he put me down because he didn’t want me to look good obviously.

I need a man who can build me up but also help keep me real, which isn’t to hard to do as I am pretty real already. I want to meet someone who I have that special connection with, someone who I know is part of me, someone who knocks my sox off. I like the men I am seeing now and one is almost perfect but just not that perfect fit and I already know it.

The way you act on the first date sets the tone for the future and both men have tried to get into my pants without any luck. One of them has actually told me I would be begging him to have sex with me within a month, lmao. He treats me like I’m more of a challenge to fuck then to be with and that is already showing through the cloth so to speak. Newsflash, he will never get me into bed because his arrogance just slammed and locked the door on him.

I may appear to be arrogant myself but I really am not and I do not feel that I am better than anyone else but I do expect a lot from myself and yes I am my own worse critic. I do not need anyone putting me down because I can do that all on my own. I have been told that I am way to hard on myself but if I am not then how can I better myself? I try to improve on myself and I am doing just that.

I enjoy both of the men and each has something different to bring to the table but I do like spending time with them but I do not see anything I would consider serious ever happening. I refuse to settle for less than what my heart cries out for but I also refuse to sit on the sidelines and wait for Mr. Right to come knocking on my door. I know the perfect man, my other half is out there and I will meet him one day soon hopefully.

Feminine Control

IMG_3788Women can control men so easily and men fall for it most of the time. I was listening to my daughter talk to her bf and she was bossing him around and he just couldn’t jump fast enough. One thing I have learned in my life is when someone jumps and does everything for someone they are also building anger.


When you boss someone around they begin to feel less than who they are and their self esteem is affected. Eventually, they blow up and want to control everything. There is no more “honey how much money do we have?” There are no more days where one is asking the other about bills being paid ect., it’s proof time.

I watched this happen with my husband, he accused me of hiding money and making investments he didn’t know about. Hell, I wasn’t hiding a damn thing, he just never cared as long as he had his cigarettes and food to eat. He cashed in so many investments and screwed the kids but that is water under the bridge.


I am thinking about making some very radical moves where my son Ryan is concerned. I am tossing back and forth about letting him test out for his g.e.d. and put him into college. I don’t know we will have to see, his attorney thinks it might just be the way to go with Ryan.

Shelby is finding her own voice and finally standing up for herself with me. She is still afraid I am going to get mad at her but I am trying to explain how hard it is. I am letting go of my little girl and watching a woman emerge and  that isn’t so easy for me to swallow even though I must.

No Man Catch

Women use some shady tactics to “catch a man” but the things they should be doing they seem to forget are important. Men do not like to be tricked or manipulated anymore than a woman. Men do not find the helpless, innocent, ignorant female to be attractive no matter how pretty they may be.

Men like women that are confident, independent, senual, romantic and of course sexual. Men do not like the women that chase them and they do not like women to hang on them. Men like an intelligent woman, a woman of substance, someone who is interested in them not who or what they have.

Men love to give a woman presents but the woman who accepts every gift is a damn fool. Gifts are nice but if you do not limit the ones you accept then you are losing part of yourself. I do not want a man to think I live for his presents because I am not like that and presents should only be given on special occasions.

I like to keep communication always open because as parents, we have a responsibility to our loved ones and to ourselves and letting each other know what is going on in our lives singularly as well as collectively keeps us on the same path. A relationship that is healthy is very important to me and this man makes me happy.

I want to see him healthy and happy and I want us to always be best friends first, lovers and a couple that respect each other enough to have trust, faith and love. I have no doubt with open lines of communication we will build a foundation for our relationship that is unmovable.

It’s All Mental

It is so hard to wait for someone and it must be equally as hard to want to be with someone but you cannot, at least not at that time. When we wait we build up a vision of the person as we see them, not as they are.

It is hard to hold on to your dreams, hopes and wishes when you do not have the important answers. One thing I do know is when two souls belong together they definitely will eventually be together.

Love is one of the strongest emotions we have and it controls us like no other. Men want love to but differently from women and men want sex. If you keep your man sexually satisfied and mentally stimulated you will have a happy life.


Jealousy Controls

I used to be so jealous and it was a controller of my relationships, thank goodness that was in my twenties and younger. Jealousy can not only destroy a relationship it can also destroy the person feeling it. I finally out grew the controlling nature of jealousy and I still do get jealous, I think.

I am controlled by my emotions but that doesn’t include jealousy and controlling others. I do not like to be with a jealous person that cannot keep their emotions in check and I do not give others reason to be jealous. People use jealousy like they use love and it is quite unhealthy.

Jealousy seems to stem from insecurity and if you make me feel insecure once to often then there is no room for you in my life. I haven’t felt insecure in a relationship in so long I almost cannot remember how it feels, which is good. I do not need to make others feel insecure because I do not stay in any type of relationship that requires jealousy for validation.

Jealousy isn’t all bad and sometimes it is good but not to the degree that it leads to a huge blow up between two people. Every once in a while a healthy dose of jealousy can awaken what seems to have died. There are times when I have been accused of doing something I didn’t which provoked a jealous episode in someone.

I cannot help it if people are attracted to me or my personality and I cannot help it that I like men, I like them a lot as people and I do not lead anyone on. Men are naturally drawn to me and I have no idea why, really I do not it just happens and I get a long with gay men wonderfully, but don’t most women?

I have been in situations where I have been accused of “playing around” with another guy when I was with someone but that wasn’t true. I do not like to argue with anyone and making someone jealous will start an argument that doesn’t need to occur. I prefer to lavish my lover with attention, not someone who has no meaning in my life.

Short Men

I have always been totally turned off by short men and that is anyone under 5’10”. I know it’s weird but I had tall relatives and all the men were at least 6’0″. Tall men make me feel safe and protected and for some reason being tall and towering over me as a child gave me a sense of safety.

Short men tend to have a Napoleon syndrome  personality and have to prove themselves by acting like a jerk when they are short. Short men I do believe feel insecure about their heighth and they abuse power or their position and I have noticed a lot of cops are short and they all have bald heads like they are of some special elite group.

Nothing is more of a turn off than someone abusing their power and forcing their will on another. I had a mexican boss that was short and what a complete moron he was. He tried to pull the “I have been discriminated against” defense when I filed a grievance against him. I was the grievance person on my shift and I filed more grievances than any other union steward.

He hated me with a passion and felt that I got special treatment because my husband was the boss. No, I did not get any special treatment, well maybe as he did get me new gloves when I needed them for work. This foreman gave mexicans a bad name in fact he gave short ugly men a bad name, period.

I wouldn’t screw him with my neighbors dick he was such an ass but some people are just that way. Anyway,  I like tall men and that will never change so for all the short men all I can say is good luck because you will never get my interest. Everyone has a special thing they like about the opposite sex and being tall is mine.

Does It Hurt?

What hurts your heart? What tears you up inside? How does it make you feel? How do you take each step to get through the day if you are really upset? I do not know myself but I can tell you I am feeling every question without any answer. I do not know how I feel about anyone or anything and I had such direction at one time.

Now I feel lost and uncertain, I feel standoffs and I also feel abandoned which I should be able to accept with no problem as I was abandoned at the age of three. I have secretly believed in someone for so long but now I am realizing I have gained very little from this “union in my mind”.

I don’t feel anger or resentment in fact I feel nothing for which I am glad. It may be the full moon affecting me but I guess one good thing is any decisions I make during this time will be final and in cement. So, you see it’s fine and I will be ok and of course I will miss him but I will get on just fine, thank you.

It’s not that I have strength, no I just happen to choose to deal with most situations logically instead of letting my emotions take over. My emotions can drown me so I steer away from them as much as I can and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. Life can be funny sometimes in not a funny way but hey the bitter with the sweet, always the bitter with the sweet.

The Man In Me

Men are taught not to cry and if they are taught that it’s acceptable, society blows that thought pattern right out of their minds. Men are not emotional creatures usually and when they are in a relationship they do not look at it the same way a woman looks at it. Men tend to look at life logically and women emotionally.

Men generally do not understand women because of the emotional aspect of the relationship. Women are emotional because that is where we draw our strength from. We raise our children with love and empathy while dad’s tend to raise their children to be sports oriented and non emotional.

Men do not hug and kiss their children the way women do and emotions are so powerful that we tend to go to mom for most of our lives. Mom’s cooking sets the bar for many relationships, yes food has a very strong influence on us and how we engage with others. There is no one like mom and mom’s advice tends to be wanted daily.

I am a very emotional person, too emotional in fact but that is my make up and I cannot change that. I totally understand a man’s desire to have sex often. Men are here to procreate and there is no two ways about that, a man is supposed to plant his seed in the woman. Sex is demanded in a man’s mind because just like the dolphin they enjoy it.

Sex should be fun and exciting for all involved and experimenting keeps the bedroom playtime fun and fresh. So many women frown at experimenting or wearing sexy lingerie, they are shocked if their man wants to bring a third-party into the mix and going down on a man is just for the pre-marriage phase.

The problem with relationships is people act one way to get you and then once they have you they stop doing what caught you to begin with. When people are in a relationship they feel secure and get lax when it comes to keeping life fun and exciting. Sex is the most important part of any relationship and do not fool yourself ladies and thing otherwise.

The Damaged Child Within

I have spent years in counseling on and off to help heal the damaged child within and I can say the counseling helped some but not as much as I had hoped. It is so hard to love yourself when you have always been brain washed to think you are no good, a useless person, unloveable and unwanted.

I do not live in the past but there are times when the past shows itself and I prefer not to look at the past. It is what it was and that’s life and some people let the past shape their future. I have suffered a lot of hurt in my life and it has made me the person that I am. We cannot let the ugliness of the past affect our present life.

People hold on to hate and anger like its a life raft which does nothing but push them further out to sea. I try to let go of anger I have and it is slowly dissipating. I have anger from my husband’s death but that is part of the grieving process and I am not as angry as I used to be.

At this moment I feel no anger towards anyone and I blame myself for most of the bad things that have happened in my life. I have made some very serious mistakes in my life and my past is so far from Lilly white. I have to look at the good that has come out of the bad and focus on that.

If you choose to focus on the negative in your life then that is what you will draw to you but if you focus on the positive life isn’t that bad. I know some people are consumed with the anger of their past and that is so sad, when they could be happy and forget that garbage that hurts them.

Every once in a while I have the demons from my past pop up and yes I do get angry but I try to push that demon’s head back down into the past where he belongs but there is no doubt that we can never escape our past and we have to live with it no matter what. Our past does not reflect our future and I will not let it affect mine.



Lost Without You

It’s so hard to walk away from someone you love, not out of anger-no there was no fight. It’s just the feeling of helplessness, the it’s never going to be feeling. I do not know if I am giving up to soon and things will turn around and we will be together or if I am dragging my heart behind me looking for a safe place to mend?

I really have no desire to date but I am forcing myself to at least register on the sites. It’s hard when you’re heart isn’t into it and not even a hot looking guy excites you. It’s really a rather sad situation as I have no clue what to do, I love him that much. Am I a fool or a hopeless romantic?