Negative Back Feed

People can be so mean and hateful and when you blog you are doing it for yourself. Some blog to make money, release feelings and emotions, settle problems in their own mind and numerous other reasons. You should never get hurtful back feed you should only get positive feedback.

I was reading a post and the comment made was one that made me want to slap someone. I wanted to reach right through the computer and slap the person that made such a comment. The blogger is dealing with a mental illness and the “commenter” was saying how much he hated people with a certain mental illness.

People with mental illness fight everyday to make it through and it is difficult when you do not have positive around you. Mental illness is so ignored  anymore and thrown to the wayside. Mental illness can be controlled under the right circumstances with the right medicine.

I have bipolar disorder as does my 15 yr old son. I am happy to say I am quite stable and doing fine mentally. My son on the other hand is going through what I went through trying to find the right “cocktail” of meds. Mental illness is usually treated with several different meds and you have got to take your meds.

I hate taking meds but I do it daily to keep the abyss from swallowing me whole. The more I trust myself the better off I have been and the meds help with that. I am making good decisions and thinking of myself for a change. I no longer fall for stupid lines from men or are manipulated by them.

I see my future clearly these days and who will be in it and who won’t, sometimes you just have to cut someone lose if they are giving you what you need emotionally. That is where I am at and I am doing a good job at it to. I have reached the limit of no return and it’s about time I take control of my life.

Foot

I am broke as usual but I have milk and bread! That makes it a good day around here and I am trying to block my son out but he and I have an unseen connection, we do communicate telepathically, ya I know I’m crazy and you are right, certifiable bipolar disorder, thank you very much.

You should be scared, very scared because I cannot be held accountable for anything I say or do because of my mental illness, so go ahead fuck with me, I have bodies in my backyard, want to join them?

I am so sick of people trying to take advantage of me and succeeding, like that bastard that stole over 4 grand of items from my home and of course the cops won’t do shit. There are gangs that will do anything for a Ulysses spot and shit can happen you bastard.

I’m not allowed to own a gun and wouldn’t anyway cause guns become dangerous in the hand of man and my luck I would shoot myself in the damn foot. I put my foot in my mouth enough as it is but I don’t want to shoot it off.

Acceptance

I have lived in a state of denial for way to many years and I am finally accepting the truth. I have been so desperate for support that I have actually fallen in love with a cyber stalker. I know it is a sad state to be in but when you have no one to turn to you grab hold of the first life raft that floats by.

He offers me nothing and for some reason I have finally woken up to the fact that there is no us. I wonder if that is part of my illness? Imaging that someone I have never met loves me, have I gone crazy? Have I completely lost site of where my life should be headed? When you have a mental illness, you never know what is real and what is not as what I thought was real between us, never existed at all.

I believe I am slipping back into sanity and seeing life as it really is for the first time in a long time. Life is an empty circle with dead leaves, life is walking down the street and stepping in dog shit, life is lost in never land and I am lost with it.  One thing I am certain of is the next man I am involved with will be damn lucky because I  am a damn good woman and hard to replace as I am so unique in so many ways.

You may think I am conceited but I am not, I am building up myself because I have no support to build me up. I know who I am and who I am not and I have a definite direction I must follow. What will be will be and that is the way live goes, accept what is and put aside the denial, move the hell on and forget the past.

One More Step

Some people get hurt by another and they say they will never let anyone hurt them again like that. That’s the biggest lie we tell ourselves because as humans we require a certain amount of love and affection but when you get hurt you are to afraid to take one more step.

I used to know somebody that hated themselves and  has been gifted with a talent that was used to help many people with. I think I have a bit of understanding why this person denies himself the happiness he wants so badly. I think he has no clue about illness but I do and I have noticed his actions to be one of an ill person.

I am not trying to be mean, no not at all in fact I’m trying to save a life here. He knows what he wants but he allows himself to deny himself of that love. He worries about the erratic behavior and out bursts and is afraid for me to see that side of him so he pushes me away.

He doesn’t realize my mother and my brother is and was mentally ill, my brother had paranoid schizophrenia and I have also dealt with people in life that are ill. He thinks if he keeps hurting me I will go away. Nope that isn’t going to happen because I am not going to reward him for his poor behavior and self image at this time.

No, I am not going away so forget that right now and I do know one thing, when you care for someone you are there for them no matter what the situation. I am always going to be here as his friend and yes I do believe he has an incurable mental illness.

He can continue to be narccistic and deny himself of love and someone who understands where he is at in his own mind. I understand only to well and I am here to tell about it, I hated myself so much that looking in the mirror never happened.

I felt such a heavy emptiness and profound sadness that I walked through the days like a zombie. I couldn’t get myself to do a damn thing. I lost all desire for anything or anybody and I locked myself away from the world so I could lick my wounds.

Well, the most shocking event occurred, I had a break through my mental illness and I have found a way to help myself in moments of stress and anger build up. I have learned not to blow up at people as that only makes the situation worse. I still have my blow-ups but quite infrequently these days, I know about the cold, rainy fall days when one is alone.

Hate yourself all you want, in fact I encourage you to hate yourself as much as you can. Now turn that emotion around and love yourself as much. Couldn’t do huh? Need a little help in that area? You need a good friend not a lover, you have a great friend right here but you are to afraid to reach out for fear of more pain. 

I totally understand those feelings because I lived through them myself. I think it has been best that I had no one in my life because I have been able to focus on my own mental health and become so much better. I reuse to let my illness every run my life again.

The saddest thing in the world is he cannot deny himself of her, he is obsessed with her and follows her everywhere she goes online. He does little things to keep tabs on her even though he is no where near her. He cannot let her go and that is making him feel crazy as well.

I have no plans of sitting down and waiting for him to build up enough character to meet me, hell no girlfriend is not a waiting for no man. God knows what she needs and will care for her and when the time is right, he will come into her life.

He may be waiting at a deli for a lunch, he could be the gas station attendant, hell he could be even you, yes you just have to be willing to take one more step in my direction and then quicken your pace because you were going to run in my direction until you started thinking to much.

I expected you to pull out as the date got closer and I knew you were going to be a no show as that has been a given with you. You are scared out of your wits to meet me and you know that is true. I do not have powers to put a spell on you, I assure you.

If you do not take this opportunity to enrich your life, you may have just given up one of the best things that could have happened to you. I promise you I will not wait but will be here if you need me and I am not mad and I am not crying.

I am working filling that space in my heart that needs love now, yes right this second and I plan on getting it filled. You are going to be really pissed at yourself that you didn’t take advantage of meeting me, go one bury your head in work, like that is going to help you?

Frontal Lobe Language

When my bipolar controlled me I was at the mercy of the screaming thoughts that were so loud they sounded like voices. The self hatred came out in those thoughts and I would do things that deliberately hurt me, I wasn’t a cutter but I have broken several toes and fallen numerous times out of my own stupidity.

It is quite possible to hurt yourself over and over and not understand why you are continually causing yourself pain and injury. When I was going to hang myself it was the screaming thoughts that convinced me that I was  not worthy of living. It’s very hard to control the thoughts of self-hatred but you can stifle the mother fucker to death if you so choose.

Self-esteem is directly related to how we react to others and to ourselves and when you have no self esteem you look upon yourself as worthless, useless, a mistake and you do wish you were dead at times. You have to learn to believe in yourself and having friends that can see your illness dragging you through the shit is really important.

I have one special friend that could see I was being drug through the shit and I smelled like it as well. She started building me up very slowly as not to cover me with her bullshit as I would have seen it to be. She said nice things in small amounts and one day it finally kicked in.

I was a worthy person, I did have a purpose and use and I was worth keeping alive and no one could tell me different. I began the road of self-love and yes it was full of pot holes and muddy water but I moved passed that stage of the road and finally found smooth pavement.

I started meditating which really has helped a lot but it has taken some time to get focused enough to take control and empty my brain of all thoughts. Once you can empty your thoughts then you can begin self-healing and taking back control of your life.

I am not an island and I am not the only one that has searched for help and answers as there are so many mentally ill people searching as I did. My interest in medical procedures, medications and holistic medicine started in 2003 when my husband had his leg amputated.

The years of learning have made me venture into different areas of medicine because I felt it necessary to have as much knowledge as possible in my brain. You have to be your own medical advocate for your own safety.

Dr.s will and do abuse their fiduciary responsibility and their power medically as we are taught to trust the police, priests and doctors. We are taught not to question them or judge them when that is exactly what we must do for our own safety.

Dr.s are compensated quite well by the pharmaceutical company’s and if you don’t think they are you better think again. Dr.s push pills because they are handsomely rewarded to do just that and when you realize you are not getting better, look at the pills being pushed down your throat and who is doing the pushing.

Mental illness must be watched carefully because the big drug company’s are the ones with the patents for the major mental illness drugs. When a drug’s patent is up that is when it becomes so much cheaper because it is now labeled as generic.

Look at the drugs you are taking, are they generic? If not chances are very high your doctor is getting a kick back for pushing it on you and yes even the generics are being pushed as well. Holistic medication can and does work as good if not better than the pharmaceutical company’s harmful meds.

Look at the side effects of the medications from the company’s versus the medications available through holistic medication. I am not telling anyone to stop their meds and I am not telling anyone to change to holistic medication. What I am saying is take an interest in your health yourself and do some research, do not leave your health and welfare in the hands of anyone else.

Take control of your own health and learn as much as possible about herbs and supplements that are available and read, read, read until you are as well versed as your doctor. Know the side effects and no the alternates that are available to you.

Bipolar Shadow

Bipolar Shadow

I live with bipolar disorder as do so many others but I am one of the fortunate ones as I have it under control finally. I have learned to not tell anyone that I may get involved with about the illness as I have found that I am judged immediately.

I prefer total honesty but that cannot be when you are wanting to be involved with someone. People frown upon mental illness and just the word drives people away so fast. You are not judged fairly and you already have one major strike against you.

I look back on my actions and how my own husband treated me and I can say he made things so much worse for me then needed to be. Playing mind games with someone who is ill is not helpful one bit even if you think it is and you are trying to control the person.

I used to talk very loud and my moods would swing like crazy and I would be happy one minute and mean and hateful the next. I could stay up for days and found myself having conversations with no one, I tried to talk to Bob but he never would listen.

He would hide my cell and my keys and tell me I misplaced them, he would steal my phone when I was sleeping and I caught him once. That is when I realized I wasn’t a nut job but he was doing everything possible to make me think that.

He didn’t want me on the phone talking to strange men or meeting strange men, he wanted to control my every waking moment and he would have like to control my dreams as well. He seriously thought he was helping me when he was obviously making me sicker.

You cannot control a bipolar person, no that is why they have doctors and take meds. Bob was never the great intelligent type to begin with but he could have called my dr. but he chose to move things, steal things and lie to me and make me feel like I was going crazy.

I now have this illness under control but I still have the bipolar shadow that will always follow me, the stereotype that follows the illness as well as knowing that it hides in the shadows just waiting for a moment to sneak out again.

When you finally get control of the “dragon” you always have to remember that it lurks in the dark waiting for it’s great escape. When you accept the fact that you must pay attention to yourself so much more closely than the average person then you are doing damn good.

Meds are mandatory, no if’s and’s or but’s and keeping dr. appointments is paramount as well. As long as you follow protocol things go well when you finally have your “cocktail” of meds right. People must realize that causing stress for someone with bipolar is not a good thing for them. 

You can so easily be pushed over the edge and anyone that does that is really selfish. I am constantly reminding myself that my illness is in the shadows and it is up to me and me alone to keep it there. I am happy and healthy and that is all I can ask.

I am not overly happy just happy enough to enjoy the little things life has to offer but it would be so nice to have someone to share these moments with. Maybe, maybe one day I will find the love that I want but until that day I keep moving on with a positive attitude.