The Wish Of Christmas

My wish for Christmas is that my children stay healthy and know that I love them. My wish of Christmas that I may touch people in a helpful and positive manner. I want not for myself because what I want and need cannot be purchased and comes with no price tag. I just want those that are grieving to know we grieve together.

We may feel we are alone at times but we are never truly alone as our loved ones are with us. I know those that have moved on never forget us and they look down upon us with love and hope for our happiness. It is difficult to be without family and the holidays are terribly lonely without them but we must remember the joy we brought into each other’s lives.

The tear you shed today comes back to you in the form of a hug you cannot see and a kiss you can feel but lips you cannot see. Hold tight to those good memories and be thankful you had the time you did with that person. Be thankful you have family and those of us that do not, let it be known we hold hands and are together.

Up & Give

Our biggest obstacle in life is ourselves and the lack of self-esteem. We do not think we can accomplish our goals and the we have those that smash our dreams. You can be anything or do anything you wish to as long as you believe and believing is the hardest part. All we need is faith in ourselves and others.

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We had a very difficult time teaching my husband to walk with his prosthetic but he did it. He not only walked he could run and it was wonderful to see him walk and run like he used to. The loss of his leg destroyed a part of him and I could never even to begin to understand his pain but I tried.

When you feel like a failure and you feel like you cannot accomplish your goal, look back on this post and say out loud I CAN DO IT, I WILL DO IT.

Negative Back Feed

People can be so mean and hateful and when you blog you are doing it for yourself. Some blog to make money, release feelings and emotions, settle problems in their own mind and numerous other reasons. You should never get hurtful back feed you should only get positive feedback.

I was reading a post and the comment made was one that made me want to slap someone. I wanted to reach right through the computer and slap the person that made such a comment. The blogger is dealing with a mental illness and the “commenter” was saying how much he hated people with a certain mental illness.

People with mental illness fight everyday to make it through and it is difficult when you do not have positive around you. Mental illness is so ignored  anymore and thrown to the wayside. Mental illness can be controlled under the right circumstances with the right medicine.

I have bipolar disorder as does my 15 yr old son. I am happy to say I am quite stable and doing fine mentally. My son on the other hand is going through what I went through trying to find the right “cocktail” of meds. Mental illness is usually treated with several different meds and you have got to take your meds.

I hate taking meds but I do it daily to keep the abyss from swallowing me whole. The more I trust myself the better off I have been and the meds help with that. I am making good decisions and thinking of myself for a change. I no longer fall for stupid lines from men or are manipulated by them.

I see my future clearly these days and who will be in it and who won’t, sometimes you just have to cut someone lose if they are giving you what you need emotionally. That is where I am at and I am doing a good job at it to. I have reached the limit of no return and it’s about time I take control of my life.

Seriously Now

People move to fast in today’s world and everyone wants everything right now and that includes relationships. I am very cautious of people and relationships because I am afraid to get hurt. “C” and I have spent time together and we talk on the phone and skype all the time.

He’s talking about Christmas and us possibly living together, I haven’t been seeing him a month and he is talking like this. I am not going to live with him, we haven’t even done the deed. Why do people feel so threatened  and think if you are married, living together or are a couple that you and every thing you do should revolve around them.

You cannot control anyone and being in a relationship doesnt  give you the right of control.  “C” is jealous of “him” which is so stupid but it is quite obvious. I told “C” that “he” said he would meet me in vegas in January and we both busted out laughing when I told him. We know that will never happen because “he” likes to play games.

The way things work out for me is I would go to vegas and he wouldn’t show of course and I would end up hurt and disappointed again and I will not let him do that to me. If he wanted to meet me he would make arrangements to do so which would be convenient for me and my safety. Who knows he might be the next one that is into white slavery or something off the wall.

Ok You Win

Some people treat love as if it is a win or lose game and it has nothing to do with winning or losing. Some people like to say they won an argument and it makes them feel superior. Relationships are about give and take, understanding and feeling secure, there is nothing worse than a relationship where one is insecure.

You must be able to trust your partner and accept how they live their life and they must respect the same in you. I think long distance relationships can work if the two have trust and some of us cannot help but trust another. I know quite a bit about trust and it is amazing how someone can really let you down and we still have trust in them.

If you are in my life then I trust you  because I have a very small social circle because I do not trust many people and I am quite happy in that area of my life. I look at relationships in an open light because if you cheat on me keep going because if you were happy with me to begin with you wouldn’t be looking elsewhere.

I want people to be happy because life is so much easier when you are happy. I am not happy but I am not terribly unhappy since I got Khloe. I rescued her from the pound and I am not a cat person but she is easy to care for, I will be picking up my yorkie boys this morning and I am happy when I think about those two little shits.

I am happy with my pets more so than most people because I am hope all day and I play with them so much. I should be focusing on “C” but sometimes you meet someone and you have such a friendship connection that sex isn’t thought about. I think that is where “C and I are.

What I was mistaking as “C” falling in love with me I think is actually this awesome friendship like I haven’t had in a real long time. Some people may think it is weird that we can lie naked together and he could bathe me and there is no sex involved. We just click on a different level I think.

I think we both like kissing and lieing together naked and it is like something both of us need, nor more no less. If you know me than you can understand that me being naked most of the time at home is a way of life for me. Yes, I grab a robe now when someone knocks at the door.

Once you are used to someone who is naked most of the time what others would think is terrible is common place with them. I do not walk around naked in front of strangers or my friends because that would make them feel uncomfortable. Being naked is such a free feeling as free as someone feels jumping out of a plane and hearing complete silence except for the wind.

We Want

Women generally to look for a man like their father and men do the same with their mothers. Men tend to prefer self reliant and confident women even if their mother wasn’t that way. Self confidence is a turn on because many do not have it.

I am self confidant because I have had to be and I am self reliant and want no one to take care of me. It’s nice to know that you have someone who will but to rely on them is to put yourself under another’s control, no thank you.

People have lost sight of what marriage is really about and to many give up and get divorced. I was separated for two years and we got back together, not out of love but more out of need. We needed each other and he really needed me.

I would never leave a relationship for another man because I think that ending the current relationship is hard enough without adding another to the mix, but that is just me.I think when you break up you should date people before you decide to settle with one.

It is said the second time around is the sweetest and I want to be damn sure before I m to anyone. I like to move slow in relationships because I want that relationship to have the best start as possible and I want to enjoy the person and learning about them.

I have never needed a man to feel whole but it is nice to have someone you can share ideas with and talk to about your troubles. I do not want someone to fix my shit, no I can do that but it is nice to have someone you trust that you can get feedback from.

So Sleepy

I think I fell asleep around 4:30 this morning and I know I was crying because my pillow was wet this morning. I have no answers nor does cps when it comes to Ry. They understand that there are no answers but I noticed Ry pulled this crap on the night Shelby came over.

I have to stay firm and not take Ry back for quite some time because he is killing me slowly. I refuse to wear the cloak of the failing mother because I didn’t fail, the world failed me and my son. I am holding back the tears but the damn is going to break and I am afraid I will wash away with it.

What does he want from me? Why can’t he be at least a little happy? Why can’t I be happy? Is there happiness in this world or is it all a lie we live and tell ourselves. I have no one to love me but I am not trying to kill myself, what can I do? What can cps do? What can anyone do?

It’s so damn hard to watch your child live in a self imposed exile from the world but I cannot change his reality or his fantasies. As far as “him”, I have changed my mind and will not expose his true identity because I want him to go away and just cutting him out of my life is best.

He could sue me but that wouldn’t look to good on his behalf but knowing the con he is he would blame my bipolar disorder and he would say I am crazy instead of being a man and standing up to what he does. He is nothing but a fuck that I do not want to know ever and I have no desire to know even a bit of him.

Foot

I am broke as usual but I have milk and bread! That makes it a good day around here and I am trying to block my son out but he and I have an unseen connection, we do communicate telepathically, ya I know I’m crazy and you are right, certifiable bipolar disorder, thank you very much.

You should be scared, very scared because I cannot be held accountable for anything I say or do because of my mental illness, so go ahead fuck with me, I have bodies in my backyard, want to join them?

I am so sick of people trying to take advantage of me and succeeding, like that bastard that stole over 4 grand of items from my home and of course the cops won’t do shit. There are gangs that will do anything for a Ulysses spot and shit can happen you bastard.

I’m not allowed to own a gun and wouldn’t anyway cause guns become dangerous in the hand of man and my luck I would shoot myself in the damn foot. I put my foot in my mouth enough as it is but I don’t want to shoot it off.

Human Currency

Children must learn that there is a price to pay for every action, there is a reaction and sometimes actions can be costly, in fact deadly. You cannot taunt the actions of the heart to make the flow of blood possible. You cannot take hundreds of pills and expect to live a normal life ever again.

Once you attempt suicide there is the question of the unknown that hangs like a barren lightbulb from the ceiling. The question of why did I live or why didn’t I die are questions that become beacons in our minds. Questioning will not solve your quest for the answers because if you were meant to known them you already would.

Suicide is a totally lost soul-searching for its home in a land of no man and so many cannot pull themselves back from the edge of total dispair. I fear this is where my son stands and I stand at the edge with him trying to talk him down. I would jump for him if it would help but it won’t so I stand at the edge wondering when.

Some parents don’t want to be bothered but I am the opposite BOTHER ME, please bother me because that is what I am here for. I am here for you and you and you too and never doubt that for a minute. My son is at the hospital and he had the nurse call and leave a message but I am ignoring it.

Live is a baked meringue boat and my son is floating on it as it slowly dissolves into the ocean of lost boys and I am the licorice paddle that is stronger but I to am dissolving, sugar crystal by sugar crystal.  I am the sweet treat that dissolves on your tongue and I am sliding down your throat as I melt.

The Ring Changes

Why is it when people get married the real person tends to come out? There seems that control comes with the ring and that is why I am scared to death to remarry. I watch people turn from a loving couple into two people that argue and try to control each other. I do not want to ever control anyone or anyone control me.

If you have a good relationship you should be able to discuss your problems and things that bother each other. You should never feel you have the right to tell another what they can and cannot do. I’m not opposed to marriage, I’m just opposed to controlling relationships.

I believe we should all be adult enough to settle our differences without killing each other or hurting each other. Why can’t we support each other and the things each wants to do without playing the heavy foot? Why can’t people just be themselves and live their life as it was meant to be lived?