Backbone

The hardest thing in the world to do is to turn your back on your child, especially when they suffer from bipolar disorder. I have no choice but to walk away from my son and it is ripping out my heart. He attempted suicide Oct 1 and was talking the same stuff at 3 a.m. I have done all I can do and now it’s up to cps.

I will be charged with neglect and the state will put him in a facility or in foster care. For a mother to have do this is so very hard. I have no more choices and it is has come down to be getting a backbone and walking away at this point. I cannot let my child destroy me and himself so I have been given no alternative.

The hospital keeps calling and I refuse to pick up the phone because they want me to take responsibility financially and it’s not happening. CPS knows I have done all I can do for him and it gives me no pleasure to have to be so cold to my child. The problem with being a mother is doing what is best and not feeling guilt.

I feel so bad that I have had to do this to my child but it is for his best no matter how it hurts me. I talked to “C” about the situation and I think I could hear a sigh of relief in his voice. Maybe I am imagining it but I have no doubt that having my son out of the way is what he would like.

When you feel like someone is glad to have your kids out of the way there becomes these undertones of disgust that you feel. I also feel a sense of betrayal from him because I thought he would have common sense to accept my kids but I am starting to think differently.

Party Not

I could be out having a great time tonight but my daughter is home for the weekend and it’s a way for her to transition back into the family. The guy I have started to date is a bit peeved that I set him aside for my daughter who will be 18 in January. He’s a heck of a nice guy but hey my kids come first in my life.

He is choking on this and it bothers him but I told him my kids are all I have and I am all they have and do not try to come before them because it will never happen. My kids don’t have the luxury of having family alive and I am the one they too for  everything.

He is beginning to assume he will see or talk to me every day and that is bugging me, he is moving to fast and showing signs of cracking where my kids are involved. I have no respect for anyone that puts someone they are dating before their kids, our kids were our choice and they should always be paramount in our lives.

I like spending time with my kids and Shelby is tutoring tonight and will be home soon. I enjoy my kids and I really am enjoying watching my daughter turn into a woman. I am so proud of her and can see her doing very well for herself and that is something to be proud of.

Ryan is doing better but he has lost a good friend at school, she no longer will have anything to do with him since his suicide attempt. It has to be so hard for him and he has asked to go to counseling twice a week and of course I have agreed. My kids have issues because of my husband and myself and not to let them work that out is a crime.

 

Outside/Inside

The person I project to others is not the person I really am inside but it’s easier to hide behind a smiling face when one is crying inside. My friends know that I am like two people and the real one is always hidden from sight because it is a safer life that way.

People do not realize that those that are laughing and joking are usually the ones that have a tremendous amount of hurt on the inside. To show that to others is to expose the raw and painful part of our lives and people like to use what they can against you.

I am always the one to make others laugh because it helps to keep the pain hidden and to let others know how much I have suffered in my life isn’t something I discuss with others. I can write about it and post it for others to read but they do not know me and I do not have to worry about being slapped in the face with my pain.

If you are the type of individual that will stoop so low that you will use painful information to throw in someone’s face then you fall right in line with kids. Kids are mean and hateful and they can do so much harm to themselves as well as others. I recently had someone use my own pain against me.

He threw in my face the problems my son and I have had and that is really so wrong. I could have said some very mean and hateful things back at him but I limited my hurt and anger. At this point I really do not want to talk to this person again because it shows me a part of this individual that is to ugly.

I put myself out there for myself and if you want to judge me by my life experiences then  you really need to take a damn hard look at your own life. None of us have lived a perfect life and none of us have the right to condemn anyone else for trying to better themselves.

I use my blog as therapy and not to impress or depress others and yes I have left myself open to condemnation. Nobody really knows me and that includes myself but I do know I am a good person that doesn’t get off on hurting others. People see how crazy I can be on the outside but they have no idea how deep the pain has run in my life.

I am not one that wants sympathy, I just want to cleanse my soul of the hurt so I can have healthy relationships with others. I am doing the work necessary to have the second half of my life be happy and fun and I really wonder how many other people face their demons and eliminate them.

I am secure enough to let others read about my life and the ups and downs and I am always open to positive criticism and helpful advice. Taking the time to write about what has been so distressing in my life is a positive step to growing and letting go of what I have harbored for way to long.

If you want to know me then sit down with me and let’s have a chat, a real heart to heart. Don’t assume or presume because you will never know me that way. If what you read tells you I am one really fucked up person then you are a complete ass because all of us have things we do not like about our lives or experiences that have shaped us that we do not share.

 

 

Jealousy Controls

I used to be so jealous and it was a controller of my relationships, thank goodness that was in my twenties and younger. Jealousy can not only destroy a relationship it can also destroy the person feeling it. I finally out grew the controlling nature of jealousy and I still do get jealous, I think.

I am controlled by my emotions but that doesn’t include jealousy and controlling others. I do not like to be with a jealous person that cannot keep their emotions in check and I do not give others reason to be jealous. People use jealousy like they use love and it is quite unhealthy.

Jealousy seems to stem from insecurity and if you make me feel insecure once to often then there is no room for you in my life. I haven’t felt insecure in a relationship in so long I almost cannot remember how it feels, which is good. I do not need to make others feel insecure because I do not stay in any type of relationship that requires jealousy for validation.

Jealousy isn’t all bad and sometimes it is good but not to the degree that it leads to a huge blow up between two people. Every once in a while a healthy dose of jealousy can awaken what seems to have died. There are times when I have been accused of doing something I didn’t which provoked a jealous episode in someone.

I cannot help it if people are attracted to me or my personality and I cannot help it that I like men, I like them a lot as people and I do not lead anyone on. Men are naturally drawn to me and I have no idea why, really I do not it just happens and I get a long with gay men wonderfully, but don’t most women?

I have been in situations where I have been accused of “playing around” with another guy when I was with someone but that wasn’t true. I do not like to argue with anyone and making someone jealous will start an argument that doesn’t need to occur. I prefer to lavish my lover with attention, not someone who has no meaning in my life.

The Who In Me

It’s time for another series of huge changes in my life, out with the old in with the new as well as eliminating people from my life that offer me nothing, not materially but emotionally and mentally. I have let certain people hang around in my life but they have offered me no measure of growth.

If someone is in your life and they teach you nothing, give you nothing emotionally or physically then they must go. I can no longer let other’s stay in my life when they are like a wall hanging, nice to look at but does nothing else for me. It is time for me to grow up and let go of things and people who do not serve a positive purpose in my life.

There isn’t a vacuum with a strong enough suction to suck up all the crap and people serving no purpose for me. It is getting easier and easier to let go and I have been demonstrating that by getting rid of my husband’s things. He is gone, never to come up from the earth again so I have been eliminating his worldly possessions.

I also have been doing that with people, all of us have people who really serve no purpose for us and we have to let them go to make room for those that will really care and love us. It’s time to let go of relationships that are no longer useful to us and open the door for the great winds of change.

I am not angry or even mad at anyone, it’s just time for them to go because they show me nothing and do nothing for me emotionally. I am the most emotional person I know and it is time to nurture that part of myself and to grow. It is the time for endings and new beginnings and for me my love life is paramount for new beginnings. 

I am not rushing out the door into the arms of someone who loves me or will love me, no I am walking out the door into the world and saying “hey, I’m here everyone”. I have no doubt within the next three to six months I will be involved heavily with someone and I can feel this as strongly as I can feel a third degree sunburn.

I am kind of starting to see someone and we will see where it goes and it will no doubt just be a stepping stone for me but if it goes further, great if not that’s ok as well. I am in no hurry to get involved with anyone but if it happens it happens and I will enjoy every second of it. It’s time for Kimberly to start collecting what she deserves.

For those that wanted to be in my life, well you had your chance and the door is closing so don’t bother to put your foot in it and try to keep it cracked open for you. You made the definitive choice not to put your entire body through that door and I can respect that but you must respect that it is time for me to love and be loved and you are not interested in that part of my life, so be it.

 

Who R U?

Do any of us really know what are purpose in this life is? Do any of us know what we truly want to accomplish? Do any of us really know what love is or is it just an emotion we follow? I can honestly say I do not really know what love is because I have never experienced it.

There was no love in my family ever and my mother was nothing more than an embryonic incubator. She was lacking the love of a mother and chose to be physically and abusive. We are given the opportunity to either walk in the shoes of others or to go in the opposite direction.

I have gone in the opposite direction and I believe the reason I let myself fall into a “relationship” that has been unfullfilling is because I do not know what it’s like to be fulfilled. I do not know what it is like to be loved without being used at the same time and I do not know why love has been so hard for me to find.

My life has been filled with so much pain that I have no choice but to believe it is the only way I can pay my karmic debt. Love has abandoned me for lessons, hard lessons to learn. I also believe I am the way I am because I have been given a mission to complete before I die.

I believe I make others life easier because it is my destiny to do so and one day I will have earned the happiness that is due to me. It’s going to be with someone who deserves me and I deserve them, we will have a common bond to help others as that is what I do best.

I am not one to hurt others and I feel empathy for so many and can actually feel their pain. I do not harbor hate but anger yes because I have allowed myself to be used and toyed with. This behavior stopped today as I was hurt very badly by the lack of consideration of another.

People can hide for only so long and the real person comes out and we can hide from ourselves for only so long and then we finally look in the mirror and see the real person behind the face. We see our insecurities, failings and where we need to grow and I saw that person today staring back at me.

I cannot blame others for hurting me because I have to blame myself for letting them and when I stop letting them is when they will stop hurting me. Blaming others isn’t solving the problem it only makes us deny the truth within ourselves. We are responsible for what happens and how we feel.

 

Growing Up

Our children grow up so fast that we blink and they are adults. My daughter wants to be a judge one day and I have been able to secure her a job with my attorney when she graduates in May. We went out shopping today because she needed some boots for winter and she found some she really liked so of course I bought them for her.

I was able to save ten grand for each of my kids before my husband could spend it, I had money put aside to cover college but he pissed it away. My daughter is finally realizing that she cannot afford an apartment and school and she is also knows that if her and her boyfriend break up she needs to live somewhere and home is the place.

tomorrow we go before the court to see what will happen with my kids, Ryan wants to stay with me and Shelby wants to stay at her boyfriends, cps is going to recommend to the court that Shelby return home and the court generally adopts cps recommendations. I am looking forward to rebuilding a relationship with my daughter before she fly’s the coop.

Then on Thursday I go on trial for a felony charge which is bullshit and even the probate judge said the same thing and that will be used in my favor during the trial.  My attorney isn’t worried one bit so I guess I won’t worry either about the outcome, the cops think they are judges and juries these days and make some real stupid mistakes which cost them.

I love my kids but it’s time for me to find my own way and Ryan will be gone in two years and I will be by myself completely. I need to meet someone or my house will be full of dogs again, lol. I want to be able to not worry any longer about my son committing suicide and I hope we can get through this terrible phase in his life.

 

The Final So Long

It’s always hard giving up on someone you love but sometimes it’s necessary for our own survival. Sometimes, I just want someone else to take care of me for a change, someone who wants to do something nice for me and someone who knows my true value as a person. It’s not easy moving on but sometimes, well sometimes.

I don’t want to hurt anyone but I can no longer continue to live the life I have been living. I want someone to care for me and only me, I don not want to be a thought or a picture I want to be held and loved the way my first true love treated me, we had so much fun and life was exciting.

I want someone to take care of me and I take care of them, a relationship that allows us to be ourselves, live separate and together lives. I do not want to control anyone and I do not want anyone trying to control me, I want to have someone to cheer on and watch grow and reach their full potential.

I really enjoy watching people reach their goals or their dreams come true, I really like seeing my friends do well and I am not jealous one bit, but honestly happy for them. It makes me happy to see others happy and I wish I could feel happy just for a day, just one day and that will happen eventually.

No matter how much you love someone if they don’t love you as much or more or won’t show you how they feel or come to you then you have nothing. It’s very painful to love someone and they are a ghost, a person never to show you themselves and spend their time with other women.

A man who says he hasn’t had sex in five years is a liar, the only exception is the widower who cannot even fathom replacing his spouse. I have a neighbor like that, his wife died seven years ago and he has dated a few times but he’s so hung up on his wife he really isn’t interested in anyone else.

I am completely opposite, my marriage was not a happy, loving and satisfying marriage in the least from day one until the day he died but we did build a fantastic friendship. Sometimes a great friendship out of a relationship is more important than a seriously in love relationship.

I waited for years but that has finally ran its course I want someone to laugh with, be silly with, someone to hug and kiss, someone to make fun of and laugh at and laugh with, someone to rub snow in their face, someone just to enjoy life with without all the bullshit that usually goes with a relationship, the jealousy, insecurity, lies and so on.

Why Me?

To many people ask “why me” when something bad happens to them, they blame God and curse him. Why don’t people say “why not me?” as no one is special or immune from heartache and pain. I never ask “why me” because I am one of those people who already know “why not me.”

I come from divorced parents who trashed myself my brother and sister, she dumped us on our grandparents to raise us, until money became involved (child support). She took us back and beat the shit out of us daily, she left multiple bruises which required wearing long sleeve shirts in 100 degree weather.

Once I grew up I took care of my grandmother until I found her dead in bed. Fast forward to 2002 when both of my in-laws passed away, 2003 my husband lost his leg do to a dr.s error, I dealt with my husband’s clotting disorder and he was constantly going to the hospital. Then my brother was found dead, he was homeless and mentally ill and quite happy.

Then my aunt died of legionnaires disease, then my grandmother from cancer, then my husband passed from leukemia last year and my father passed of colon cancer in January. So “why not me?” has become words I live by as it helps with such great loss and disappointment.

For those cursing God for what they see as a misfortune, I am thanking God for the opportunity to be there for those I loved and who loved me back. The greatest thing you can do for another human being besides loving them is being able to fulfill their last wishes or be there to have their body handled properly.

To me, the body is just a vase to hold the soul of the person and when the person passes on, their soul moves on and leaves an empty vase.  Funerals are for the living, not the dead as they have moved on and are quite happy I am sure and they are looking down on us with smiles.

I have  learned something from every death and it has come in handy to help others. There are so many people that have asked me about funerals. They want to know how to save money if they could, simply the answer is yes, you can rent a casket and you can join the crematory society in your area.

You can actually plan a complete funeral through them for approximately $3600.00 if you want all the bells and whistles and if you are just less than vanilla and just want go through the oven well that’s approx. $700.00. You can also set it up now and prepay, kind of like cash and carry, lol.

My life reads like a mad novel but that’s ok because good is coming to me, happiness is just around the corner even if that corner is two blocks away. I will never give up hope that I will be loved the way I need to be loved and he need the kind of love that I have to offer, I do believe in happily ever after and I am just sitting and waiting for my after to come to me

I Used Too

I used to want to know you but I am finding that isn’t as true as I once thought, you are a liar, a thief, a user, an abuser and you know it’s true. You have no plans for me in your life, no you never did want to make me your wife, you lay with another and make babies with her, I know longer believe in you, maybe I never did.

Don’t contact me any longer, stay away from my heart as all you do is cause hurt and pain. I am nothing to you and you know it, I know you GOB I know you well, too well for my taste, thank you. Go back to bed with your redhead and stay out of my life because I no longer want to be your wife, your lover, your friend.

I really do not want anything to do with you as you buy what you want, women, wine, song-you purchase everything living the high life, go ahead and continue to live a hollow life and go ahead and marry, move on, leave me behind. I am tired of your games and lies and I really have washed my hands of you.

Can you understand that? No, you cannot because you have had everything you have ever wanted, all you do is open your wallet, well I am not for sale, be smart, be kind send me what you stole from me and mine. Send it in way of a money order with no return address, because I know longer care where you live, France, New York, Milan, Spain I really no longer care who you fuck because it isn’t me.