Alrighty Then

It doesn’t take much to give me a tickle and I just got tickled, lol. I have been selling big Rick’s videos and I just sold a john wane collection of 4 vids that cost 23.00 for 75.00 bucks, lmao. It’s things like this that make me laugh and shake my head.

There is no way I can even go further with We Ambay because I do not have the help needed to take care of my own shit and I help out big Rick because he is always there for me. I have a very difficult time letting my feelings out to big Rick because he makes me feel like I am so strong and can handle it.

I have broken down in front of Rick and he knows I am fighting the good fight but I stumble and I do fall. Ryan had to be restrained today because he went ballistic on a kid he told to stay away from him. Ryan has learned he intimidates people with his size and he is finally learning that he is as strong as a bull.

It takes at least grown men to hold Ry down and he was talking to girls and he may have been showing off or this was his “time with the ladies” and no one was going to steal his thunder. I talked to Katie, his cps worker and she told me Ry asked if she was going to visit him on Christmas, he knows I am not coming.

This is killing me and not seeing my son on Christmas is destroying me. I am learning I have to make hard decisions and stick to them for the protection of self. This is pure hell and my heart, o my heart aches so much and I feel, o hell I don’t know what I feel  any longer.

Day Dilema

What a day, wow I am glad it is time to relax. Had to drive an hour to pick up my yorkie puppies, Michael and Gabriel and they are brothers but the personalities are quite different and distinct already.

I shouldn’t have spent the money on them but it’s time for me to love me and show myself some kindness and buy myself something I have wanted since my other guys were given away.

I told the kids do not buy me anything for xmas because I got the puppies. I have started to pick up a few items for Shelby and she is coming over tomorrow for dinner. We had a huge fight yesterday and then I thought about it.

It’s hard for me to  accept that I am wrong and say I am sorry but I do do it. I had to finally admit to myself and my daughter that her living at her boyfriends and graduating from high school is hard for me.

I am losing someone I love very much but I have to let her make her own way in this world and under the circumstances it isn’t fair to her. It is hard to admit that your child is growing up, no let me rephrase that, she is grown up.

It has been so hard on her and her senior year without her dad has been really hard for her and her graduation is going to be hard for me. I’ve got her a job lines up with my attorney and she will be going to college in the fall and working.

I feel so bad that Bob spent the kids college money but what can I do? Maybe it is a good thing who knows. I am trying to pay off school and put money away to get her a car for graduation.

Ryan got expelled yesterday and I think that is also a blessing, it saves me money on tuition and Ryan is going to an alternative school which is for troubled and pregnant, trying to get these kids to graduation instead of dropping out.

The kids have grown up fast like Ryan and some have problems like Ryan and others have worse problems. Some classes may have 15 kids and some may only have 5 kids so this will be good.

The puppies have stolen Ryan’s heart and Michael took right to Ryan. Gabriel is just as cute but their personalities are so different. I am glad that Michael took to Ryan because it makes Ryan feel special.