Mother Daughter

My daughter and I have a great relationship as it is one of honesty and straight forwardness. We talk about everything and she is always telling me to suck a dick which makes me laugh. My daughter has a great sense of humor and she is so funny as she always makes me laugh and she has come to do quite a bit of speaking for the pets as of lately. She pretends to know what the pets are thinking, lol.

She just asked me why I should never play with the fastest animal in the jungle-because he’s a cheetah, lmao. I am fortunate to have such a good relationship with her because at one time we didn’t get along to well because of the divorce. I am thankful to have her support and she keeps putting me in my place when I get to mouthy with her, lol. Having a good relationship with your kids is so rewarding and I am thankful for what I have with mine.

Knowledge Man

Our parents shape who we look for in a mate and when you do not have a parent of the opposite sex around then you have a difficult time finding the person for you. I only had my mother to shape my views and so I ended up in bad relationships and allowed myself to be used, abused and manipulated.

My dad and I started to build our relationship in 2007 and I can tell you I have yet to meet a man that impressed me the way my dad did. My dad was a genius, literally and I learned so much from him that I have yet to meet a man that held my interest like my dad. My dad could make me feel so good about myself when my own husband was tearing me down.

My dad loved food, absolutely loved it and there are certain things that my great grandmother used to make my dad that triggered a positive emotion from him. My great grandmother’s lemon meringue pie was one of those foods. I would make him a pie once in a while and he would tell me how much he liked it.

When he was dying I made some chili and took it to him and he couldn’t get enough of it. My dad’s last meal was my chili and that makes me feel really good as well. I miss my dad but I have someone who reminds me of him an awful lot, which is hard to do. The person I speak about is a “knowledge man” because he seeks out knowledge constantly and he enjoys learning.

He is extremely smart and I am not so sure he doesn’t have a genius IQ as well. He reminds me of my father which is new to me because I know of no one like my dad. This person is so like my dad but even better, he has the capability to show love and affection which my dad could not.

I think he is pretty awesome just as he is and behind closed doors I am sure he is pretty special as well. Behind closed doors he can be himself, he doesn’t have to live up to any ones expectations but his own. He can walk around naked if he so chooses and he can be a total slob but I doubt he is a slob every, messy at times maybe.

This person means the world to me and we have a connection that is of soulmates, I respect him immensely and sometimes he surprises the hell out of me. He is everything I have always wanted in a companion and I am his personal cheerleader without blowing smoke up his arse.

Bypass Child

It is difficult for me to accept the fact that my daughter will be leaving for college before I know it. Yes, she still has to graduate high school but even that is a blink away. Because of circumstances beyond my control my has been living with her boyfriend and I will tell you that goes over like a lead fart with me.

Those that know me are surprised at my reaction regarding my daughter because they never knew I would be so against my daughter living with her bf. Yes, it bothers me because I feel he has too much influence over her and no influence from me at all, and his mother also puts her two cents in as well.

I was very hurt when Shelby was driven to U of D by her bf’s mom and he went along. Those are trips her and I should be taking together and I was really pissed and hurt. I wanted her to come stay at home this week because she is off of school but she didn’t want to and we got into a huge fight.

I thought about it and I have finally accepted the cold hard facts which are she is going to be 18, she is going to do what she wants and she is a brilliant young lady that has lived the last three years in a very difficult place. She is to smart and to pretty for her current bf but for me to keep them from each other is just going to push them closer together.

I am hoping once she starts work and college she will see he needs to grow up quite a bit. I will go on a nut if she spends a dime of her settlement on him instead of school but once again I cannot control that either. I cannot control her at all and I actually do not want to.

I apologized to her and explained to her how hard it was for me not to have her at home and I will be letting her go for good very soon. I had to admit that I wasn’t mad but very hurt and that showing anger was a way to protective myself from further hurt. The honesty on my part has brought us closer together and I can feel us rebuilding our relationship, which is great.

The Child

This child was born at 2:50 pm on January 17, 1995 she is now a young adult who seems not to need her mother, but this is so not true. Children have a connection with their mother’s which is totally different from a relationship with their fathers. A child will forever need their mom and go to her in times of trouble or need.

I have always been totally honest with my children because that’s the way I am and my husband’s health was not good and they watched him leave the house on a gurney way to many times. They never knew if he would live or die and I would tell them the truth when they asked me questions.

Most moms that are having a difficult time with their daughter must remember one thing, children need us always no matter how old they get or how much they think they know. They will always come back to mom and seek out her knowledge, advice or help and you can bank on that.

My daughter and I have been separated since June and I do not see her often but when she needs something she is seeking me out. Just like tomorrow, she wants to come over and have me help her bake something for her pom squad. Moms are priceless and don’t forget it, the place of a mom isn’t always a happy place either.

It’s hard to watch our children fall but we must let them fall and not pick them up, how else will they learn? I hate the thought of watching my children learn hard lessons in a sad way but it must be that way if they are to become the person they are meant to be. It’s a tough job being a mom because you are responsible for everything that happens to your child and they blame you when their life isn’t easy.

I am a mom and a dad and I can tell you I suck at it, I am not a good dad at all and I know it. I try to give my kids what they need but I am unable to do that. I cannot give them their father’s love or do everything for them the way he did, being a dad has to come from a dad and when doesn’t have one it has an impact on a child’s life.

Divorced parents should be responsible and mature enough not to argue and fight and let their children hear them. Keep that shit where it belongs, in your brain not coming out of your mouth. Parents do not realize how divorce has an impact on children and how it can damage them for life.

Growing Up Again

I lived with my mother until I could escape and I got a job, apartment, car and all the good stuff money brings with it. I was doing very well for myself and being single I drank up life with vim and vigor. I traveled and partied, had wild sex and great times.

Then, I got married and life became about the kids, everything surrounded the kids and we had no relationship romantically. No, my husband and I were best friend and the almost eighteen years together had done that.

Then, he checked out-poof, gone in a heartbeat and I was left alone with the kids. I became dependent on my husband and now I am learning to become dependent on myself and it sux. As soon as people find out you’re a widow, they are like blood suckers and want to suck every dime out of you.

I seriously need a break from the bullshit and need to breathe some fresh air and relax. I am wrapped tighter than a rubber band wrapped around a pencil and paper clip. I’m really bored with my stalker and have just about lost interest in him.

You can play hide and seek for so long and if I can’t find you then I get bored and move on. This has all been a fine fairytale and mildly entertaining but it’s time to grow up and be an adult and act accordingly, that would be impressive.

The Drive

My son and I drove seventy miles to our rv and winterized it, turned around and came back home as the thrill was gone by the time we got the sink fixed and the rv buttoned up for the winter. We have such good talks and laughs when it’s just him and I.

Shelby has always been mad that her brother was born and took attention away from her but that seems to be the case with most children without siblings. I have found the only child family to end up with a selfish and self centered child most of the times.

They seem to always get what they want and think they can go through life and expect the same thing. The only child behavior is exactly why I didn’t want just one child. Those of you that are an only child can say I am full of it but look at your life, really look at it.

You tend to like to be competitive because you like to win and like all the attention on yourselves. Fine through rocks at me but ask anyone with multiple children. My son is the most loving child but my daughter has bitch written across her forehead in neon.

Maybe it’s just her age but I do not think so as she has always been very selfish and wanting the best. My daughter is taking all honors classes this year and she is one of those girls that every mother wishes she had and every mother would love to have as a girlfriend for her son.

Both of my kids are very impressive intellectually because they got my dad’s genes. My dad had a “third eye” as he could see things others couldn’t. He was hired by the gov’t to work on a secret project back in the sixties so that tells you he was no slacker.

My dad and I became acquainted five years ago and since we met I tend to have no intestinal fortitude for weak minded men or people in general. My dad was a unique person in so many ways, he made his own silver water for medicinal purposes.

It’s hard to find intelligent men in my neck of the woods so when I do run across one randomly I really enjoy their company. Nice boobs just doesn’t get it for intelligent conversation but some men do not know anything else but sex.

Child To Parent

As we get older we tend to revert to being a child even to the point we must wear diapers. It is not easy for a child to watch their parent revert and even forget who they are. I received a call today from the home my mother is in and the Dr. needed my permission to treat my mother’s mental health issues.

Ask my mother and she will say”fuck you” there is nothing wrong with me but if you look at her history you can clearly see a person with mental set backs. I told the Dr. her history and now he can treat her accordingly because he couldn’t say to much but I told him what he needed to know.

My mother has relied on xanax for years to get her by but it never worked as she needed other meds. I know it sounds terrible for a daughter to refuse to put herself in a situation that could be harmful to her as well as her kids but sorry toxic people cannot be around healing people,

She could very easily destroy me and I will not let that happen and I do not have to let it happen either. You can actually damage someone to the point that they cannot associate with you and there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself from that danger.

Most parents can rely on their children in their old age but how you treat your child as they grow up will come back on you eventually, one way or the other. I took care of both of my grandmother’s and my in-laws but just cannot do it with my own mother.

She is very abusive to the staff at the home and she would be worse with me and I will not allow her to treat me that way any longer. I am learning not to let others treat me poorly as well but that seems to be a bit harder task for me to overcome, but I’m winning the battle.

I have noticed how we are treated as children is the same way we let other’s treat us and that isn’t right, not one bit. I find myself letting others treat me unfairly because I was raised that way. This is a very sad state to be in and can really hurt a lot.

I’m not someone who falls in a bucket of shit and comes out smelling like a rose, no I’m the type that falls in a bucket of shit and ends up smelling like a manure plant. You can’t even by animal manure without it being mixed with human waste, what is wrong with this world?

I am not going to apologize for my stand against my mother as she is being cared for and she has excellent health insurance because she listened to me long ago and signed up for the right insurance add on to medicaid, you have to always cover your butt in this world.

Sleep

Sleep

I have been so tired lately, the rain does it every time and it’s been three days. I have no desire to get out of bed and look forward to going back to bed around 8 p.m. I’m not depressed no I am just tired, very tired and stressed.

I just need to get through this week and things will brighten considerably as I will have slain a few dragons. I went to counseling today and it bothered me, it bothered me a lot when my son told me that it really hurt him and Shel when I said they don’t need me.

He says they don’t need me but want me and that was quite startling to me that someone actually wanted me. I know that says a lot about my self esteem but when you are never wanted and the best part of you was left on the bed then you do have bouts of the “downers’.

My husband never wanted me, not really he just wanted another mother to make life easy for him. The kids, well those were my idea of course and to hear they want me, well that fucks with my mind quite a bit. Barbara also asked who was “Kimberly” and my stock answer is ” I DO NOT KNOW”.

Does anyone really know who they are? We are suppose to wear so many faces for so many people, when do we wear our face for ourselves? I don’t know if I will ever know who I am but that really isn’t important as those around me know who I am to them.

I hold a powerful position, I am a mother and there is no power stronger then that for a mortal. We are the keepers of the world, the producers of youth, the leaders of life. I know, I lost my damn manual when the kids were born, son of a bitch is no doubt stuck up in a fallopian tube.

I have done the best I could most of the times and yes I have been the proverbial “shitty” parent as well. My children were born as adults, no I never cooed them or treated them like anything but miniature adults. I have let them learn the hard way and one a good day a real good day they actually listen to me.

I gave birth to them not ownership and I have let them find their way in life with my guidance. Children are not possessions, they are not to live our fallen lives through, they are not to live the dreams we were to afraid to go after.

Our children are us, they are the good, the bad and the indifferent in each one of us. I was raised in one of the worse environments known to man, a mentally ill mother that was excessively physically and verbally abusive. I have been asked by my counselor to write a forgiveness letter to my mother.

I do not have to send it and I would not as I have not fully forgiven her for what she has robbed  my life of. I have to forgive her within myself because I am giving her free rent and board and I cannot keep living with such anger towards another as it affects me.

I’m not on a pity pounder by any means, I’m just trying to work this all out in my head and dissect

the questions that need to be asked, peace, just some peace please.