Christmas Reality

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As a young girl I remember a movie about xmas that I have seen only once but I still remember it. I was about eight years old and it there was a blizzard outside. I was holed up in my night-gown drinking hot chocolate, the kind you made on the stove.

The story was about a boy about my age who lived in the ghetto’s of New York and his family had no money for Christmas. This little boy found this cat and fell in love with it and the corner store owner ended up giving this little boy tuna fish to feed his cat.

That’s all I can remember about the story but it has stuck with me all these years. The kindness of one can make another’s world so bright and gay. It would be nice if people didn’t wait for the holidays to do good things for others but I will take whatever is offered in this world at this time.

I wish I could remember the name of that movie because I would so like to watch it again. There are some movies that have such an impact on us we never forget them. This movie is a real eye opener to the kindness of man and to see it again would be so delightful.

Why?

Why is it you wash two sox and when you take them out of the dryer, there isn’t two but only one?

Why is it you buy a ten pack of hotdogs and can only buy an eight pack of buns?

Why is it your kids wait until Sunday night to do their laundry and want you to stay up and put it in the dryer?

Why is it nobody can change the toilet paper roll?

Why is it nobody wants to fold towels but uses them?

Why is it when the kids through something away and they miss the  will walk by it a million times?

Why is it the history books don’t teach our kids about Vietnam?

These are some of the why’s that bother me but the toilet paper roll really pisses me off!

Do Pinks and Purples Blend?

Do Pinks and Purples Blend?

It’s the end of the season and the kids and I went to the rv as it is time to close up soon, so we took the seventy mile drive and did a few things and came home. I really love it there as I look across the “road” to an empty field

The clover sways in the breeze and the other assorted weeds and flowers color the field of pink and purples. The blue birds dot the sky and the clouds take on shapes of animals, it was a lovely day and I know it was hard for the kids.

I just realized I am going on vacation the date of Bob’s sixteen month passing and I will not think of it again as I am working to hard to move on and I will not let myself fall back. The kids where melancholy at the rv and they mentioned their dad a lot.

The things they did together, or so they remember and I let them have all the fond memories they want as it does give them some comfort. I enjoyed the break and being with the kids is always a grin but I like to see them be nice to each other and they were.

I’m really looking forward to getting away and just relaxing because I sure need it and I am so looking forward to having no pressure, just good times and laughs. I must admit I am nervous to finally spend time with a man but I am so ready for it.

As far as a committment or anything like that well you have to play it by ear and just let things flow and see how things go. I have no doubt we will have fun because I like him, I like talking to him he has an “air” about him he is subtle, there’s a quiet within him and I like that.

He is self assured but no overly confident, in fact quite the opposite he goes after what he wants and he really expects to get what he wants and he does, but me well I am a puzzle to him and I have no clue why. I don’t know what he wants to know but hey I’m not that hard to figure out, or am I?

Of course, I am a contradiction of emotions and thoughts, I mean really what did you expect me to say? That I make perfect sense all the time? Not likely, hell I confuse myself regularly and yes I am a stupid shit but I laugh at myself when most can’t.

I want to experience NY with a looseness, no confines, restrictions or demands, I want to just be, enjoy life, the days and nights.I will enjoy my company and that goes without saying, he’s just a nice guy what else can I say.

I feel safe when I am chatting with him which is so odd but he makes me feel “quiet” inside and that is good, very good for me. I can play lazy so damn well that I cannot wait to get on that plane and escape from this dead town.

I really want companionship so bad and actually having an intelligent conversation with an adult, well hell what do you call that anyway? When someone you have a conversation with really grabs your attention and keeps it? I don’t know but that is what happens when we chat.

I was going to meet someone else but things didn’t feel right so I blew that one off and lucky for me I just got contacted by my friend. We have been planning to 

Planning

We spend our lives planning, from the time we are born we plan as that is how the brain works and it’s one of many purposes. We plan our futures and some plan them at a very early age, myself I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up.

Life can be pretty serious business at times but I think people have gotten way to serious, to stressed and to overworked. People in the States tend not to be the friendliest except Midwesterners and even they have become indifferent to others.

I am convinced that I am not of the attitude of most people today as I was raised in the sixties and still think that way. I believe in opening doors, saying thank you and you’re welcome, helping others, believing in God and home cooking.

By today’s standards I am a Neanderthal and I really do not mind as I have strong moral fiber as well as beliefs. I am learning to enjoy life again and I am basically happy as well as content and I feel good about myself and who I am.

I have learned not to put to much energy into planning my days or my future as I already know where I am headed without laying down the plans. Most have such little faith in God and they do not believe in angels either.

I believe in angels and God and I do have angel that watches over me, he is always there in the corner of the room or on my shoulder and yes, he does whisper into my ear. He has been with me since about November of last year.

Yes, I know you think the bipolar is rearing again don’t you? Well, it is not I can assure you of that and I do not mind admitting that I have an angel. My angel is always looking out for me and guiding me and he knows how hard life has been for me.

My angel has kept me from making any concrete plans until quite recently, as recently as today I have finally made a concrete committment to visit NY. I booked my flight so now I am committed and looking forward to getting away from it all.

It’s going to be nice to wake up without any demands placed on me and just go through the day letting it unfold before me. I am opening up like the bud of a flower and letting the good come into my life finally and I am looking forward to this vacation.

Forget It

I was going to go to NY but I see no reason to spend money to meet someone that works until 8 p.m. and has no time for me anyway. He just wanted to get laid and that is just wrong as far as I am concerned and I was not good enough to stay with him and he doesn’t have a car.

This is not the type of person for me not at all and I am glad I have walked away from that situation. I want a relationship and I want to meet someone that is ready for a relationship but not necessarily ready to jump in head first.

I’m in no hurry to get involved with anyone but if you are reeling from a bad relationship then I am not the person to pick up those pieces. I have picked up my own life’s pieces and I am ready to move on but not desperate and not jumping in.

I have learned to be more cautious which I have demonstrated by changing my mind about NY. I do not want to be someones fuck and good time, no I am not going to be either. As far as “him” well he is no more and never will be again.

I miss him but one must do what is best for themselves and that is what I am doing. It would have been nice if we had met and found out if there was a mutual attraction but we did not and that is just the way it went. I still believe God has meant for us to be together but I no longer wait for him and will never wait for anyone again.

When you wait for three years and there is no meeting then it’s time to shelf it and I have had no choice but to do just that. I just move through the days and do what I must but I still have days that I am down in mouth so to speak.

I wish to no longer wish to meet him or waste time thinking about what could have been or could be but that will never happen so do what makes me happy and makes me feel good about myself. He no longer rules my decisions as you can see by me almost going to NY.

At this point Im looking for a guy friend, someone to hang with and have fun with, I so like men and get along with them so much better then women. It would be nice to hook up with someone and just be friends without the expectation of sex.

I do not want a relationship based on great sex alone and I want to have a meeting of the minds if that is possible. Fucking is not something you base a relationship on as even sex does tend to get old with the same person after awhile.

I tried so hard to liven up Bob’s and I sex life but he was so rigid there was no excitement allowed, no he just wanted to cum and go. There was no cuddling, kissing or touching and I was always left feeling empty and alone.

I want a rich relationship, rich in communication and love one that is all encompassing and consuming on both parts. Someone that will take the time to understand and to listen and who let’s the kid out and loves to laugh and share.

I do not want the perfect relationship, no I want the arguments and disagreements because that is what builds a relationship, how you deal with disagreements. I’m so go with the flow most of the time but there are times I put my foot down and you cannot budge me.

Maybe one day I will find my soul mate and we will live happily ever after and enjoy our lives together but as for now, things are just go from day to day with uneventful moments through out the day and court of course. I will have my record wiped clean come December which is a good thing.

 

Connect

Have you ever connected with someone you have never met? Have you ever had a bond with the person without a face or real name? Have you ever felt so close yet so far to someone? I have, I have felt all three and so much more.

I have thought I had fallen in love with this person but it wasn’t love it was a deep connection I have never felt with another. I have this unbreakable bond with Mr. No name no face and it’s not from my heart but from God’s power that this bond was established.

The bond I speak of is not of this world, no man can build such a bond of such strength that is why I say it is of God. God builds relationships for us and we walk into them and the ground work is already laid before us. I have this bond with “him” and it is all consuming yet not controlling.

He has placed me in the category of sexual pleasurers which I do not care for one bit as sex is not my thing at all. Sex is mundane and leaves you feeling empty, now making love, making love takes you to a depth that most never reach as they know not of love making but primal sex.

I plan to go to NY but that can change on a dime if he doesn’t continue to change the way he talks to me and if he thinks Im so damn pretty then he needs to look further and see that I am a beautiful person inside as well. I am ultra sensitive and do not like to be treated like nothing more than a long distance fuck buddy for him.

He is so secretive that, that concerns me as I really do not know if he is married or has kids or a steady girlfriend. He says no but I am not buying that as I just cannot believe that he has no children, wife or girlfriend it just doesn’t seem normal.

I want so much more and I am in no hurry to go after it as I am the type that is a one man woman and that one man is the one that gives me purpose in so many ways. I do know if he doesn’t make an effort to talk to me on the phone for other than to help him jack off this is coming to a complete halt rather quickly.

He must show an interest in me as a person not a sexual relief voice and I am not seeing a whole lot of that and I do not like it at all. It makes me feel cheap and as if my only reason for existence is for sexual pleasure and that is degrading.

If he has no respect for me then he has none for himself and that is not acceptable to me, he may be used to getting what he wants at any price but I am not and will not continue to accept the level he has placed me at. I have not booked my flight yet and things better change rather quickly like in the next several days or there will be no trip to NY.

He seems like a nice guy but he is arrogant to a degree and I have no desire to meet him and slap the arrogance right out of him. I am not a violent person but I can be pushed only so far and I have my hiking boots on and I am gone.

I do not expect him to “wine and dine” me take me to expensive places and keep me entertained and I’m not asking him to change his life style, his work hours or his personality. I just want to get away and relax for a while that is it.

I will not be his fuck buddy and no I do not have plans of having sex with him which I have no doubt will not go over well with him. I make love, pure and simple and that decides itself when and where it will occur as making love is all consuming, slow, deliberate and caring.

Does he even know what love making really is? I really wonder