Turning Tables

He is gone, the wind he whistles to me in hopes that I can hear him. He is turning tables on me now, He has left me empty handed and praying to the Lord for help and guidance. He just left, no good byes, no see ya laters, no anything as he just walked out the door leaving his body behind.

His soul flew high and he is soaring high without me and he doesn’t need me any longer but someone else does, I am sure. Every year he was here giving me unwanted presents at xmas and now that I want those household items he isn’t here to give them. Everytime I see a front load washer and dryer I think of him.

Is it stupid? Is it a bit narcissistic? Is it about being confused and uncertain? He watches and laughs as he knows I will find my way somehow and he knows he is tripping me up. He always wanted to trip me up and now he is and he no longer has me chasing pavement, he is gone, his spirit is above.

It’s hard to be without my husband at times and I miss him because I wanted to keep him alive and I tried with every ounce of who I am. I lost battle and the war and he won as he looks down and says “See, I knew you would miss me”. He haunts me and he touches my shoulder as I cry and he says ” honey, I left so the one that should be with you will be with you, don’t give up hope on your dreams because he will come to you and make you so happy”.

I have accepted the fact that my husband did fall for me and loved me. He couldn’t let go of the best thing that ever happened to him. Those are his words not mine, I was a damn good wife and I am a damn good mother regardless of my present circumstances. My husband wants me to move on and let in the love I want so desperately.

He gave me a life pass to search and find myself and the love that should be in my life. He is a kind loving man and he supports me and has let me go long ago. It has always felt like he was there judging me, condemning me, criticising me, when the fact is he only supported me all along.

Feminine Control

IMG_3788Women can control men so easily and men fall for it most of the time. I was listening to my daughter talk to her bf and she was bossing him around and he just couldn’t jump fast enough. One thing I have learned in my life is when someone jumps and does everything for someone they are also building anger.

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When you boss someone around they begin to feel less than who they are and their self esteem is affected. Eventually, they blow up and want to control everything. There is no more “honey how much money do we have?” There are no more days where one is asking the other about bills being paid ect., it’s proof time.

I watched this happen with my husband, he accused me of hiding money and making investments he didn’t know about. Hell, I wasn’t hiding a damn thing, he just never cared as long as he had his cigarettes and food to eat. He cashed in so many investments and screwed the kids but that is water under the bridge.

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I am thinking about making some very radical moves where my son Ryan is concerned. I am tossing back and forth about letting him test out for his g.e.d. and put him into college. I don’t know we will have to see, his attorney thinks it might just be the way to go with Ryan.

Shelby is finding her own voice and finally standing up for herself with me. She is still afraid I am going to get mad at her but I am trying to explain how hard it is. I am letting go of my little girl and watching a woman emerge and  that isn’t so easy for me to swallow even though I must.

Hand Of Red

I got caught red handed doing a dirty deed and I should fee bad but I do not. I was blogging at dinner last night with”C” and I tuned him out. I got so into blogging it was as if he wasn’t there.

He evidently was talking to me and I was to engrossed in what I was doing so he grabbed my laptop and read what I was writing. This was not good and make him feel real bad after he read the part about him boring me to death.

He asked me why I didn’t let him know I was bored and I told him I had but he just didn’t listen. He was greatly insulted and dinner came to a dead halt and we left the restaurant. He started yelling at me and that pissed me off.

I reminded him I am a grown adult and will not be yelled at like a child and then he said I was acting like one. That did it, home I go get out of the car and he says he will call me, I told him don’t bother. Shit, what have I done?

Unknown Viewing

I think all of us have been drawn into someone by their eyes, our eyes are the window to our souls and yes you can get drawn in. Eyes come in colors and they can look dull and worn. Some people have beautiful eyes, eyes that you can just stare at because they are so pretty.

I have been told that I have “doe eyes” like an innocent doe and then others tell me my eyes draw them in and they can feel how sensual I am. I can seduce anybody easily with my voice and eyes and yes I am extremely seductive and domineering at times. Look into my and what do you see?

 

No Man Catch

Women use some shady tactics to “catch a man” but the things they should be doing they seem to forget are important. Men do not like to be tricked or manipulated anymore than a woman. Men do not find the helpless, innocent, ignorant female to be attractive no matter how pretty they may be.

Men like women that are confident, independent, senual, romantic and of course sexual. Men do not like the women that chase them and they do not like women to hang on them. Men like an intelligent woman, a woman of substance, someone who is interested in them not who or what they have.

Men love to give a woman presents but the woman who accepts every gift is a damn fool. Gifts are nice but if you do not limit the ones you accept then you are losing part of yourself. I do not want a man to think I live for his presents because I am not like that and presents should only be given on special occasions.

I like to keep communication always open because as parents, we have a responsibility to our loved ones and to ourselves and letting each other know what is going on in our lives singularly as well as collectively keeps us on the same path. A relationship that is healthy is very important to me and this man makes me happy.

I want to see him healthy and happy and I want us to always be best friends first, lovers and a couple that respect each other enough to have trust, faith and love. I have no doubt with open lines of communication we will build a foundation for our relationship that is unmovable.

Imagine

Imagine a time and place when men courted women and the woman’s female family members followed behind the couple as they walked. Imagine a time and place when the woman  carried her husband’s child inside of her and cooked a homemade meal. Imagine a time and place where the family was all that mattered and nobody messed with the family.

Those times are past us unfortunately but I wonder if they still exist in Italy or am I to caught up in the “Godfather”? I am old fashioned and I like living that way because that is all I have to hold onto is my memories. I think men appreciate being treated a certain way and I think they appreciate a woman who is capable of fixing a meal and taking care of him in the bedroom.

I imagine one day that my life will fall into its place and I will have my hopes and dreams come true. I would like to have a little ranch with black raspberry bushes growing and a little garden. It doesn’t matter how big or how small your dreams are they will not happen until the right time.

 

It’s All Mental

It is so hard to wait for someone and it must be equally as hard to want to be with someone but you cannot, at least not at that time. When we wait we build up a vision of the person as we see them, not as they are.

It is hard to hold on to your dreams, hopes and wishes when you do not have the important answers. One thing I do know is when two souls belong together they definitely will eventually be together.

Love is one of the strongest emotions we have and it controls us like no other. Men want love to but differently from women and men want sex. If you keep your man sexually satisfied and mentally stimulated you will have a happy life.

 

Ooh Threats

I have some hacker that is on topface acting like he is from another country. The funny thing is he has a Minnesota ip address. What a jerk, wants me to get naked and masturbate online with him, like that is going to happen. He says he is going to trash my profile like I really do not care.

He has a serious problem if he thinks threatening me is going to get him anywhere because it won’t. Men are so stupid sometimes and this is a perfect example.  Men that try to use sex to control a woman has picked the wrong woman because I do not have a sense of humor when it comes to this.

This jerk either can’t get a woman his age or he thinks older women want him, lol. He said he was going to crack all of my passwords, ok have at it. Some people have serious control issues and I think he has one and is probably short as well. Why does this have to be so difficult?

Maybe I will just focus on “C” which I am but these guys on these dating sites give me free entertainment as they make an ass out of themselves. Maybe other women have cam sex with strangers but not me, I save that shit for someone special and I have yet to meet that individual.

Don’t Believe

How do we let ourselves fall in love with someone we have never met and all the conversations are either on computer or phone. Why would someone scam me and then keep following me even though they get no more money from me?

It’s been like four years and he reads every post and contacts me on my fb under so many different names. He knows I know who he really is so why isn’t he smart and just move on? He has never had a single plan of meeting me so what gives?

He has never had a real relationship in his life I do not think he is capable of one even though he was married. I sure would like to talk to that milk man because not a single one of his kids look like him and his profession kept him on the road a lot.

I think he feels safe with me and he has come to rely on me to be there for him when he is bored and lonely, which is every day. If he loved me you would think he would want to make me happy by leaving my life but he is selfish and thinks only of himself.

I also think because of who he is people kiss his ass and blow smoke up it as well. I tell it like it is and I do not think he is used to a confident, self assured (most of the time) independent female that doesn’t want him.

It really is sad to have it all financially yet you do not know who is real in your life or who is using you and how many women are with you because of your name. I think living life that way is worse than any heart break.

He lost me and doesn’t care and neither do I because I have finally met a real man who cares for me and treats me fantastic. We still have the no presents issue that he keeps ignoring and I keep putting the gifts back in his car.

A real woman doesn’t need presents or fancy evenings, a real woman enjoys snuggling by the fireplace and just enjoying his company, but how many real woman are out there? Men love a confidant woman especially one that won’t take their crap and I am not taking any of his.

Many

There is this guy on tv with four wives, is this guy out of his mind? Women living together end up menstruating at the same time, this guy has got to be a closet drunk. I cannot image having a relationship with three other women, not happening, not now not ever.

I do not like women to begin with, sorry readers-women are petty and catty and working in the steel mill as an industrial electrician with all men has taught me two things, women bitch-men whine.

Men whine like forever about the stupidest shit and women bitch because we are trying to get things done. If you disagree with me, guess what I don’t care, lmao. I have heard every complaint a man could ever have about a woman.

I listened to one guy whine about his wife not wanting to have anal sex with him, like what am I suppose to do about it? Then I listened to another guy complain about what a lousy cook his wife was even though dinner was on the table every night.

Men whine and whine and whine and it gets as old as listening to someone bitch all the time. Women bitch because they are not happy and the more they bitch the more you better pay attention.