Frontal Lobe Language

When my bipolar controlled me I was at the mercy of the screaming thoughts that were so loud they sounded like voices. The self hatred came out in those thoughts and I would do things that deliberately hurt me, I wasn’t a cutter but I have broken several toes and fallen numerous times out of my own stupidity.

It is quite possible to hurt yourself over and over and not understand why you are continually causing yourself pain and injury. When I was going to hang myself it was the screaming thoughts that convinced me that I was  not worthy of living. It’s very hard to control the thoughts of self-hatred but you can stifle the mother fucker to death if you so choose.

Self-esteem is directly related to how we react to others and to ourselves and when you have no self esteem you look upon yourself as worthless, useless, a mistake and you do wish you were dead at times. You have to learn to believe in yourself and having friends that can see your illness dragging you through the shit is really important.

I have one special friend that could see I was being drug through the shit and I smelled like it as well. She started building me up very slowly as not to cover me with her bullshit as I would have seen it to be. She said nice things in small amounts and one day it finally kicked in.

I was a worthy person, I did have a purpose and use and I was worth keeping alive and no one could tell me different. I began the road of self-love and yes it was full of pot holes and muddy water but I moved passed that stage of the road and finally found smooth pavement.

I started meditating which really has helped a lot but it has taken some time to get focused enough to take control and empty my brain of all thoughts. Once you can empty your thoughts then you can begin self-healing and taking back control of your life.

I am not an island and I am not the only one that has searched for help and answers as there are so many mentally ill people searching as I did. My interest in medical procedures, medications and holistic medicine started in 2003 when my husband had his leg amputated.

The years of learning have made me venture into different areas of medicine because I felt it necessary to have as much knowledge as possible in my brain. You have to be your own medical advocate for your own safety.

Dr.s will and do abuse their fiduciary responsibility and their power medically as we are taught to trust the police, priests and doctors. We are taught not to question them or judge them when that is exactly what we must do for our own safety.

Dr.s are compensated quite well by the pharmaceutical company’s and if you don’t think they are you better think again. Dr.s push pills because they are handsomely rewarded to do just that and when you realize you are not getting better, look at the pills being pushed down your throat and who is doing the pushing.

Mental illness must be watched carefully because the big drug company’s are the ones with the patents for the major mental illness drugs. When a drug’s patent is up that is when it becomes so much cheaper because it is now labeled as generic.

Look at the drugs you are taking, are they generic? If not chances are very high your doctor is getting a kick back for pushing it on you and yes even the generics are being pushed as well. Holistic medication can and does work as good if not better than the pharmaceutical company’s harmful meds.

Look at the side effects of the medications from the company’s versus the medications available through holistic medication. I am not telling anyone to stop their meds and I am not telling anyone to change to holistic medication. What I am saying is take an interest in your health yourself and do some research, do not leave your health and welfare in the hands of anyone else.

Take control of your own health and learn as much as possible about herbs and supplements that are available and read, read, read until you are as well versed as your doctor. Know the side effects and no the alternates that are available to you.

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My son suffers from debilitating migraine headaches and there are no medications available to him that help him at all. I am a compassionate person and mother and as a mother it is my responsibility to help my child at any cost.

We have had several in depth discussions regarding compassionate medical care which is smoking medical marijuana. As a parent do I ignore my child’s relentless suffering or do I help him obtain a legal medical marijuana card?

Doctors are so against marijuana but they push damaging pharmaceuticals without any problem as they usually get kick backs from the company’s. In Michigan we cannot even sue a pharmaceutical company for damages caused by their medications even though they are well aware of the side effects.

My daughter is a perfect example of what gardisil can do and did to her as she passed out and snapped her jaw off her face. She had to have emergency surgery to wire her mouth shut after her surgery and yes she did get compensated only because the government makes these company’s set a fund aside for “compensation”.

So here I am with a child that has terrible migraines and has bipolar disorder and M.M. could help him so much instead of all the poison both of us are putting in our bodies and the side effects could literally kill us. Our meds cannot be stopped dead, no you must slowly cut back on the milligrams until you are off completely.

So here I sit going back and forth in my mind what should I do for the best of my child? How much fighting am I going to have to do to get him a card? How much bullshit is the dr. going to give me and me telling him straight away I do not like the poisons being put in his body?

What is a mother to do? Only the best thing she thinks for her child that is what a mother is to do.