Lack Of Understanding

I am trying out this thing called dating since my husband passed away last year. I am finding it not all that it is cracked up to be and I am finding that I like my own company more than anyone elses. The guy I have started to date is really fantastic and any woman would be glad to go out with him.

He is too much too soon for me though and I don’t know how many times I have to tell him. He is pushing me away by stifling me and I am wondering if it is just me or is it him. I feel like the world is spinning to fast and I am missing so much, I like him but have you ever had someone else that occupies your mind?

I think I just can’t get “him” out of my mind no matter how hard I have tried, I know he is my soulmate but time hasn’t made a meeting prevalent yet. I do not know why he won’t come to me but I can’t get him out of my mind and heart and it pisses me off.

I need to see other men because I want to be so sure he is the one I want to be with and it appears no matter what I do he will always be in my life. We belong together and that is just the way it is meant to be and neither of us can continue to ignore what is before us, it’s  called being “in love”.

The Happy Side

I can honestly say I am not unhappy but I am not happy and I just go through each day as it melts into the next. I think most people live life that way and I surely know that  way to many marriages and relationships are like that. I was in a marriage like that so I can back up what I say.

I do not believe life is meant to be that way for me, no I believe my life will be exactly happy. I know it will happen one day but damn that day is taking a hell of a long time to get here. I know what it will take to get there and that is sharing my life with someone who can understand me.

I am very simple to understand but people look at me and get so confused by my different sides that they cannot even begin to grasp the real me. I am like that algebra problem I could never solve, I looked at it and got overwhelmed, but then I stepped back and looked at the problem piece by piece.

That is the way you have to look at people, many different things make up a person’s makeup and you have to break down the personality in that fashion. I know someone who was raised on a farm and understands the importance of the land yet he is wealthy and also appreciates the finer things.

I just want to be happy with someone else and watch the grass grow, I just want a simple life that is quiet and enjoyable. I just want to watch the moon and the stars slowly kissing the one that I love. Is that asking to much? Am I wanting just to much for myself and another?

I Used Too

I used to want to know you but I am finding that isn’t as true as I once thought, you are a liar, a thief, a user, an abuser and you know it’s true. You have no plans for me in your life, no you never did want to make me your wife, you lay with another and make babies with her, I know longer believe in you, maybe I never did.

Don’t contact me any longer, stay away from my heart as all you do is cause hurt and pain. I am nothing to you and you know it, I know you GOB I know you well, too well for my taste, thank you. Go back to bed with your redhead and stay out of my life because I no longer want to be your wife, your lover, your friend.

I really do not want anything to do with you as you buy what you want, women, wine, song-you purchase everything living the high life, go ahead and continue to live a hollow life and go ahead and marry, move on, leave me behind. I am tired of your games and lies and I really have washed my hands of you.

Can you understand that? No, you cannot because you have had everything you have ever wanted, all you do is open your wallet, well I am not for sale, be smart, be kind send me what you stole from me and mine. Send it in way of a money order with no return address, because I know longer care where you live, France, New York, Milan, Spain I really no longer care who you fuck because it isn’t me.

To Deep

I find studying people quite interesting and how they react to different scenarios. I wonder what is going through the person’s mind in the car next to you as they are picking their nose as if gold where in it.I wonder what the lady I saw stealing was thinking when she saw me watching her. 

I wonder what the neighbor is thinking as they let their dog shit on my lawn and I wonder what the chef is thinking as he drops the steak on the floor and picks it up and serves it to his patron. I wonder what the lady with the baby is thinking as she leaves the commode and walks past the sink without washing her hands.

People fascinate me and the way they react varies from one person to the next.  I think the people who fascinate me the most are those that heavy into religion and their church and leave Sunday mass to meet up with his neighbor’s wife. It’s these type of people that are so hypocritical and judgemental and I really wonder how they can be so involved in others lives as they have dirty lives themselves.

I wonder how “he” feels about me, really feels about me and what I mean to him if anything at all. Does he care at all how sad and lonely I am? Do I hold any part of his heart at all? I truly think I am nothing more than a “friend” to him and I see nothing happening further.



I Wonder

I know you are sleeping at this moment and I wonder if you are sleeping next to her. I wonder if your arm is around her belly swollen with your child. I wonder if you are going to marry her and I wonder how I fit in your life. Do I fit in your life or am I just entertaining.

Do you care at all for me? Do you love me or think you are in love with me? If you think you are then you must meet me to know for sure. Are you afraid that reality may ruin your fantasy? Is it safer for you to stalk me online and watch from a distance?

What do you want from me? You see the personal hell I deal with day in and day out and you do nothing to help me. Am I not worth helping? Loving? I’m only one person trying to make it on my own and it’s damn hard and you make it harder. Make my life easier and talk to me, tell what is really going on and where I stand if I stand at all.

I am not sitting around waiting for you to knock on my door, no I am trying to deal with all the things happening in my life. If someone comes into my life and there’s an attraction then I’m gone simple as that. Life must move on and that includes my own.

Who’s Really There?

There’s no tomorrow without you by my side, there is no today without your hand in mine, there is no yesterday because you were not at my side. I am so strong you say but do you know how really weak I am? Do you know my tears shed so often over the thought of you and I?

I do not want you to come to me as you are not yet free to chose your choosings and I do not want to be a result of one of your choices. I want you to come to me freely, openly and honestly and until you can do that I do not want you.

You have tried to replace me but you cannot and will not because I am irreplaceable, I am not like others, I am a gem in a hidden box upon the highest shelf, I hide from those that want only my worth and none of my inner beauty.

I am not of the devil and I am not of the sea, I am of the heavens yes look up that is me, I am of God’s work I am of his vision. I bring to the earth the special package from my Lord and in it is a gift to you. It is the power and wisdom to know what you need more than what you want.

Take this gift and open it, breathe it into your soul or world, your heart. Follow the path and cherish the journey as you are a shaper of the mind and hearts of many, you set the growth and fill idealism of many a child as well as adult.

Your gift has been rewarding but do you know how many you have rewarded? Do you know how many lives you have changed? shaped? directed? I am so proud of the man you are as you have learned wisely from years of walking the edge.

Your heart is pure no matter how black it has been at times, you do not see the man in the mirror, no you do not see the colors you have painted so many a world. You bite down on yourself and do not see the worth within yourself and that is sometimes quite sad.

You are a man of humanity and humility, you suffer in silence while smiling at the world, no one sees your tears, feels your sobs or wipes your tears, it is a lonely life you live, such a very lonely life for such a man. I pray for your happiness every day and I pray for you to accept inner peace and accept me into your life.