A Simple Happy

Everyone likes to feel happy and I happen to be happy because of Michael and Gabriel. These two don’t weigh 4 lbs. between them and they are so comical. They are full of piss and vinegar and love, these two love for days and they are kissers, always kissing Ryan and myself.

There is something about puppies that make me happy and the littler the better. I used to have shepherds but Sassy had to be put down and Saber is with a family that loves her and has another dog for her to play with. I need a person to play with, lol because everyone needs someone to play with.

IMG_0353

Life gets to dark and dreary and we need to try to be happy as much as possible. People say they are happy when the truth of the matter is they are surviving. Happiness is a smile on your face a lift in your step and a lightness of the heart and that is what my boys do for me. They are so funny and keep me laughing constantly and they make me feel so loved.

Love Of Oldie

Love used to be special, it used to be flowers and cards and letters. Love used to be a 6 oz. coke a cola and a stolen kiss in the driveway. Love used to be sweet and innocent, love was holding hands and doing homework together. Love used to be what all of us wanted but love has changed.

Love is now about how famous you are or how much money you have. Love today is who can I be seen with and how much jewelry one can collect. Love is presents which is nothing more than buying the person’s love. The more you give the more you lose sight of your love and more of ownership and commitment.

In the dream world that I live love is the scent of flowers and bumble bees, love is the warmth on my face and my hand in his, love is the sharing a piece of cheese cake, love is fun, love is simple and love is unique. I want the innocence of love once again and I want the purity of the heart.

Hook Line

I can’t be with him but all I have to do is close my eyes and we are together and I can imagine his hand touching my cheek, his lips kissing mine and the warmth of his body keeping me warm and safe. He is the one I have waited an eternity for and no one can replace him.

It’s been a long hard road but we have stayed on it against all odds and no one would ever believe the love story we have been writing. When someone controls your every thought and your dreams are romantic dancing, just the two of you and your world smiles when you think of each other, it is a good day.

We have something so unique and special it is so hard to explain or describe. We have a love that is of two best friends and I can talk to him about anything and he can always calm me down and give me peace. He has angelic magic that makes me smile and he makes me laugh so much.

He is someone I cannot describe to you because he is so unique and he is a driven man. He never gives up on anything he wants or anyone and he never walks away from a challenge because that is what he lives for. He needs a challenge and he needs to stay stimulated or his life is boring.

Hurting Place

Try as we do we cannot stop love from reaching a hopeless place that is a hurting place. We carry our hearts on our sleeve and someone comes along and squashed those good feelings. Letting go into a drowning pool is what it feels like for me and the seaweed wraps itself around my legs pulling me further down.

Is it a hopeless place we go  for so long or is it our own minds that place us there? Does love and the loss of it take us to the box with no lid, does it take us to the shower with no water? Dealing with loss of love is very difficult and painful to the heart for so many of us and we look at ourselves like fools gold.

watch?v=tg00YEETFzg&feature=related

 

Mixed And Confusing Messages

Life can be so hard especially when your heart is involved and some of us just get so swept into a lost space that we cannot see the crumbled dirt along the pathway. We step into the dirt and get our feet dirty with lies we live and tales we have told. The light is hidden by the dark door of hell and we stay when we should go.

The dark sky keeps the stars from twinkling and the meteors from hitting earth and blowing our world apart. Life can be such a struggle at times and we know not where we are going. Emotions can take us to a place known as purgatory and our hearts can shatter as easily as a crystal vase hitting the marble floor.

watch?v=DeumyOzKqgI&feature=watch-vrec

Have you thought about that final moment with someone who has stolen your heart? Have you thought of that moment when you turn and walk away and the silence that shadows you as you avoid the cracks in the walkway. Have you thought of how you will feel when you realize that the darkness has set upon your shadow and we is no longer a word in your vocabulary?

Do you wonder what your life will be like without that solemn one next to you, the one that makes you think and question as well as wonder and dream? Do you think you will lose no darkness if you keep that one close to heart? Do you think your sunshine is just fading away and you are ok with that?

watch?v=WoWXANu5Rts&feature=branded

If you find that soulmate grab that person and hold them close because life is shorter than we could really ever image. The perfect two will be together no matter what others say or do. We all come together in the time that is meant for us and us alone and there is no changing time, now is there?

 

To Be Me

I am very sensitive and shy but most think I am quite the opposite because they do not know me. The front I put on is my armor against the world. I wear it well and have conveyed to many that I am tough and totally uncontrollable because it keeps them at arm’s length.

There are many of us, hurt souls that want the love that we are entitled to but we push it away because the fear of intimacy is our prison and keeps us from dealing with what we need the most. I want the world to see the real me for a change and I am slowly letting down my guard and the window is open and it blows in fresh air as I do this.

watch?v=0Gl2QnHNpkA

If you see me crying it’s because sadness has decided to steal my tears away as I celebrate through those tears. If you know me you will see a change in me that is unique and distinctly to myself. I am shedding my old skin and emerging fresh and exciting, wonderfully entertaining as well as enlightening.

Just watch me grow into a woman who is more awesome than the one that is currently surviving behind steel wall. There’s an answer to all questions we have. I am searching for my answers and guidance into the next phrase of breathing for me. I am me and you must love me as I am and as I evolve, sit back and applaud my transformation.

 

Self Gratification

There are those that love to go shopping and get self gratification from it and then there are those like me that believe self gratification is sexual. I have finally figured out how not to feel so lonely when self gratifying myself, I sit in front of the mirror and then I have company and I am no longer lonely!

I have also learned to hide the 64 pack of batteries from my kids so I never end up right on the edge and the damn batteries go bad. Self gratification is not evil and no you will not go blind or go to hell, if that were the case every man on earth would have a pass to hell already waiting for them.

There are those that have huge sex drives and fall in love with love which leaves them lonely and wondering what they did wrong. When a relationship doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be and you can bet your bottom dollar on that. masturbation is such a dirty word to so many and they refuse to admit they partake.

My mother in law had the biggest black dildo I have ever seen and when she died I found her secret toy box. I threw it all away before my husband could see it because men do not look at their mother’s as sexual beings. From the looks of her toy box she was quite inventive and adventurous.

I would rather masturbate then go screw a bunch of men that I had no what golf course their putter had played on. Let’s be real, in today’s world you have to be so damn careful and cautious. I think the worse combination for anyone to be is over sexed and in love with love.

Those that are in love with love cannot see their desire to be loved so bad that they end up getting hurt and they generally get used. People love to be seen on the arm of the rich and famous and those individuals usually have a very hard time finding true love because the people they fall for are just going to use them up.

I prefer to stick with self gratification then to be with someone who wants only to use me and gain from me. I do feel sorry for those rich and famous people because trying to find real love and a real committment is so damn hard because of their money and fame. Once in a great while they will get a slap in the face by someone who has discovered that the life they want is not the life that the rich and famous live.

One thing I like about self gratification as I am never let down by anyone but myself and yes I do get pissed when I am at the edge and the damn doorbell rings or the phone. I am about to leave a message on the answering machine saying “Sorry, I’m masturbating and will not be disturbed” but then I would no doubt have more trouble at my door.

Who R U?

Do any of us really know what are purpose in this life is? Do any of us know what we truly want to accomplish? Do any of us really know what love is or is it just an emotion we follow? I can honestly say I do not really know what love is because I have never experienced it.

There was no love in my family ever and my mother was nothing more than an embryonic incubator. She was lacking the love of a mother and chose to be physically and abusive. We are given the opportunity to either walk in the shoes of others or to go in the opposite direction.

I have gone in the opposite direction and I believe the reason I let myself fall into a “relationship” that has been unfullfilling is because I do not know what it’s like to be fulfilled. I do not know what it is like to be loved without being used at the same time and I do not know why love has been so hard for me to find.

My life has been filled with so much pain that I have no choice but to believe it is the only way I can pay my karmic debt. Love has abandoned me for lessons, hard lessons to learn. I also believe I am the way I am because I have been given a mission to complete before I die.

I believe I make others life easier because it is my destiny to do so and one day I will have earned the happiness that is due to me. It’s going to be with someone who deserves me and I deserve them, we will have a common bond to help others as that is what I do best.

I am not one to hurt others and I feel empathy for so many and can actually feel their pain. I do not harbor hate but anger yes because I have allowed myself to be used and toyed with. This behavior stopped today as I was hurt very badly by the lack of consideration of another.

People can hide for only so long and the real person comes out and we can hide from ourselves for only so long and then we finally look in the mirror and see the real person behind the face. We see our insecurities, failings and where we need to grow and I saw that person today staring back at me.

I cannot blame others for hurting me because I have to blame myself for letting them and when I stop letting them is when they will stop hurting me. Blaming others isn’t solving the problem it only makes us deny the truth within ourselves. We are responsible for what happens and how we feel.

 

Tears Of A Clown

I am not the only person that let’s others see a false face, a face full of laughter and happiness. I am sitting here wondering why the tears are welling up and getting ready to roll down my cheeks. Today is supposed to be kind of special for me but it is just another huge blow up in my face.

watch?v=yQP8BgJGVIc&feature=fvst

Birthday’s shouldn’t be special for adults but for me it is kind of “my day” that isn’t mine at all. It’s just another day on the calendar that means nothing to anybody other than they get Monday off for Veterans Day. I am a veteran of loss and lonely souls, where promises are nothing more than lies and no hugs or kisses.

There is no one to make me feel special, no calls, no cards-nothing as if I never existed. I am very sad on several levels because today is the end of a “relationship” I thought I had but never did. I no longer believe in dreams and ice cream, love or making love, I no longer feel like a person, just a scab ready to flake off.

I have invested to much of myself into loving someone who loves another so today I stop being the doormat and start being the door. The one thing about me as a Scorpio woman is I am very deep and love even deeper which makes it hard for me to let go. Today has been such an eye opener for me and I have finally accepted the fact I mean nothing to anybody.

I do not feel sorry for myself, no I just am letting go finally and yes it’s as painful as any death could be. He thinks I am just talking as usual but not this time. This time it is finished and I will cut off my hands before I ever reach out to anyone again, my love is special, unadulterated and pure but he doesn’t feel it or see it.

Why do I do this to myself? I am not a hopeless case that no one will ever love or want to share a life with, I am not ugly or stupid and yes I am a bbw and I am a beautiful soul and person always doing and giving to others. I was there for him and yes he has listened to me but I need more than an ear filled with wax.

He won’t even know I am gone that is how much he loves me but that is ok because he is wasting his time on someone who will never want to be with him again. I want him, he wants her so it’s time to cut my losses and move on and I am doing just that because I will no longer wait for someone who waits for someone else, which isn’t me.

 

So Over It

I have let myself fall in love with someone I will never meet and I have let this person have my heart for numerous years now. Today, is the beginning of my new life as I put this person in a chest and out to the trash. He doesn’t care about me and I woke up realizing this.

I will no longer chat with his numerous aliases, listen to his bullshit about his love for another or wait for him to show me one bit of affection. Today is my 53rd birthday and I do not expect to get even a card from him. This situation has finally come to a screeching halt.

I will no longer give him a minute of my time or day and if he were any kind of man at all he would return what is rightfully mine, but he won’t. Even though I have been saying for months that I am through, today did it for me, I never want to hear from him again as he has ripped out my heart and left a huge gaping hole there.

So go to your girlfriend that you so love and forget you ever had anything to do with me as that is what I am doing with you. Even a friend remembers another friends birthday but you couldn’t even do that one little thing for me, so goodbye, fairwell and go to hell.