When I started school I was living with my grandparents on a farm in the middle of no where. My sister and I were the only white kids in the school and yes it was a difficult adjustment for us. My grandparents and my mother got in a huge fight because my mother would say she was going to visit and never showed up time and time again.

My grandparents wanted to adopt us but my mother wanted the child support but not the kids and we came as a package. My mother ended up taking us away from my grandparents and moved us into town. I started second grade without the knowledge of how to read and my teacher hated me.

She called be dumb and stupid and fought with my mother because she was going to flunk me. The principal gave my mother two weeks to teach me the fundamentals of reading and if I didn’t learn then I would be put back a grade. Well, I was able to learn and by the time I was in fourth grade I was in the top ten spelling bee.

As the years went on I grew to love reading and would always be with a book in tow. I still enjoy reading to this day and I also enjoy writing. When I was in college my comp class we had to write a thesis paper and I ended up with an “A” in the class. My husband never read a damn thing but a paycheck.

I think reading is very important and if you are like  my husband then I have to look further into your personality which I would anyway. People that do not read are missing out on so much and they tend to be ignorant to many things in life. I am not putting anyone down but it says  quite a bit about someone who doesn’t read.

To Deep

I find studying people quite interesting and how they react to different scenarios. I wonder what is going through the person’s mind in the car next to you as they are picking their nose as if gold where in it.I wonder what the lady I saw stealing was thinking when she saw me watching her. 

I wonder what the neighbor is thinking as they let their dog shit on my lawn and I wonder what the chef is thinking as he drops the steak on the floor and picks it up and serves it to his patron. I wonder what the lady with the baby is thinking as she leaves the commode and walks past the sink without washing her hands.

People fascinate me and the way they react varies from one person to the next.  I think the people who fascinate me the most are those that heavy into religion and their church and leave Sunday mass to meet up with his neighbor’s wife. It’s these type of people that are so hypocritical and judgemental and I really wonder how they can be so involved in others lives as they have dirty lives themselves.

I wonder how “he” feels about me, really feels about me and what I mean to him if anything at all. Does he care at all how sad and lonely I am? Do I hold any part of his heart at all? I truly think I am nothing more than a “friend” to him and I see nothing happening further.



Just A Minute

I would like to take just a moment and ask you why you are reading what I write. I am seriously wondering what could be so interesting that you would want to follow me. I have fallen into a six drought of happiness but that will clear up soon enough, it just has too. I really think that I will be happily involved within the next 2 years.

Will I marry? lol-no but I will commit and no paperwork will be necessary, I just play the game my way, when you are with me, it’s me only and if you choose to wonder-hell keep on going. It will hurt but I will recover as I am used to being let down and left in the dust.

Frontal Lobe Language

When my bipolar controlled me I was at the mercy of the screaming thoughts that were so loud they sounded like voices. The self hatred came out in those thoughts and I would do things that deliberately hurt me, I wasn’t a cutter but I have broken several toes and fallen numerous times out of my own stupidity.

It is quite possible to hurt yourself over and over and not understand why you are continually causing yourself pain and injury. When I was going to hang myself it was the screaming thoughts that convinced me that I was  not worthy of living. It’s very hard to control the thoughts of self-hatred but you can stifle the mother fucker to death if you so choose.

Self-esteem is directly related to how we react to others and to ourselves and when you have no self esteem you look upon yourself as worthless, useless, a mistake and you do wish you were dead at times. You have to learn to believe in yourself and having friends that can see your illness dragging you through the shit is really important.

I have one special friend that could see I was being drug through the shit and I smelled like it as well. She started building me up very slowly as not to cover me with her bullshit as I would have seen it to be. She said nice things in small amounts and one day it finally kicked in.

I was a worthy person, I did have a purpose and use and I was worth keeping alive and no one could tell me different. I began the road of self-love and yes it was full of pot holes and muddy water but I moved passed that stage of the road and finally found smooth pavement.

I started meditating which really has helped a lot but it has taken some time to get focused enough to take control and empty my brain of all thoughts. Once you can empty your thoughts then you can begin self-healing and taking back control of your life.

I am not an island and I am not the only one that has searched for help and answers as there are so many mentally ill people searching as I did. My interest in medical procedures, medications and holistic medicine started in 2003 when my husband had his leg amputated.

The years of learning have made me venture into different areas of medicine because I felt it necessary to have as much knowledge as possible in my brain. You have to be your own medical advocate for your own safety.

Dr.s will and do abuse their fiduciary responsibility and their power medically as we are taught to trust the police, priests and doctors. We are taught not to question them or judge them when that is exactly what we must do for our own safety.

Dr.s are compensated quite well by the pharmaceutical company’s and if you don’t think they are you better think again. Dr.s push pills because they are handsomely rewarded to do just that and when you realize you are not getting better, look at the pills being pushed down your throat and who is doing the pushing.

Mental illness must be watched carefully because the big drug company’s are the ones with the patents for the major mental illness drugs. When a drug’s patent is up that is when it becomes so much cheaper because it is now labeled as generic.

Look at the drugs you are taking, are they generic? If not chances are very high your doctor is getting a kick back for pushing it on you and yes even the generics are being pushed as well. Holistic medication can and does work as good if not better than the pharmaceutical company’s harmful meds.

Look at the side effects of the medications from the company’s versus the medications available through holistic medication. I am not telling anyone to stop their meds and I am not telling anyone to change to holistic medication. What I am saying is take an interest in your health yourself and do some research, do not leave your health and welfare in the hands of anyone else.

Take control of your own health and learn as much as possible about herbs and supplements that are available and read, read, read until you are as well versed as your doctor. Know the side effects and no the alternates that are available to you.


Words are wonderful tools and without them we would have no communication with one another, which now that I think of it that isn’t a bad idea in many cases. Most people have no interest in words or their meaning and they find no interest in reading what so ever.

I adore words and their meanings and I really adore reading and learning new words. I have a very difficult time meeting people of interest because the lack of wanting to expand the mind is not part of their make-up. I find no interest in listening to people talk endlessly about their work.

I am not stuck up or think I am better than others but I do get so bored with people as they have nothing to say or what they say is so damn repetitive and boring. I love reading and writing and I have a hard time meeting anyone with those interests.

Most people cannot express themselves through the written word and writing is a talent that most do not have. I am not saying I am a fantastic writer as I am not but I can write to a certain degree and if I set my mind to it I could turn my blog erotic fantasy life into a book of short stories, at least I think I could.

My husband always hated to see me read and constantly interrupted me because I found a book more interesting than he was. I never saw him read a newspaper, book, flyer, magazine or anything in the 17 1/2 yrs. of marriage.

When he passed away and I read something I had written just for him and his funeral, I thought to myself the best place for me to put this is in his casket with him. I left the papers in the casket knowing they would turn to ash as his body would do during the cremation.

Without words, life would be rather boring and words are cool, words are unique and words are expressive such as I love you, you are a fucking moron, Let’s have sex. Words are what excites me and to be able to use them to touch another may it be good or bad, words are fun.