Direction Positive

I have been going through quite a few mental changes and how I view people and the world. These changes are subtle but definitive and they are reshaping my views and fears. I am ready to step forward into a healthy relationship and I have wiped the slate completely clean so we can start fresh.

It’s like I have met someone for the first time when in fact I have known him four years. I want to meet him and talk to him and I want to know what I feel for this person. I love him, yes but in a different way then I have loved anyone else-it’s hard to describe but I know I can be silly with him.

I also know I can be myself with him and that is hard to come by because I do not feel totally comfortable with anyone. I have always kept a shield up but with him I feel safe enough to let it down. He is finally letting a bit of his guard down as well and this is good for both of us.

I do not want to change a single thing in his life, not where he lives, the time he spends with his kids or family, the way he sleeps. The sleeping part is a lie because I want him to get into a better sleeping pattern for his health. He is going to make a gigantic change in his own life soon enough.

I am here for him and I am starting to believe he is here for me but I am going to continue to see “C” until I know there is a connection with us. I won’t have sex with “C” but I will continue to want him to kiss me and hold my naked body next to his. It is an odd relationship we have because he hasn’t tried to push the sex button.

 

Heart A Stabbing

I feel so bad that I have walked away from my son and it is like my heart is constantly being stabbed. He thinks I am a lousy parent one minute and the next we get along so well. I have to turn my back on him because it is for his best and you may wonder how.  I am not a dr. and I have no answers so it’s best those that do step in.

The cops keep coming to my door and the phone keeps ringing and I refuse to answer either because as soon as I do they are going to want me to step up as the parent and I cannot. Touch love is the hardest love any parent can give their child and it rips away at you as you are torn between wanting to hold them and walking away.

I have put my life out there for others to learn from and hopefully learn not to be so critical of others because you do not know their pain. People that supposedly love us are nowhere to be seen and we have to save ourselves or go down and I will never go down no matter what.

Moving To Fast

Everyone is moving so fast these days they have no time to enjoy their lives. I sit here day after day doing basically the same thing over and over because I have no money to fly away. I wonder if people move so fast because they do not want to deal with what is truly important in their lives.

People have kids, because they want kids and then when they realize how much kids change their lives they either no longer want to spend the time with their kids or they end up being a person’s entire world. It’s not good to let anyone be your entire world because you can end up getting crushed so easily.

If people would slow down and have a glass of iced tea on the back porch and just watched the grass grow they would be so much happier. People no longer enjoy the simple things in life or a simple life, the world is all about money and the more you have the more time you no longer have to enjoy it.

The only thing that keeps me going is God and what he has planned for me, I know that sounds stupid to so many but it is the truth and I believe he has a grand plan for me. I am not here just to take up space, no sir I have a purpose and I have already touched many people’s lives.

I am not an angel, I am not regular either as I am different for whatever reason. Some people think I am weird, some think I am wacked out and some know that I am a very good person with a good heart. I am what I am take me or leave me but I am proud of who I am.

Yes, my son and I have problems but at least we can acknowledge our problems and deal with them the best way possible. Being bipolar is a hard life, but it’s even harder when you refuse to deal with it. I seem to be pretty even keeled lately so anyone that has anything negative to say to me simply just go fuck yourself.

The Lonely One

I have an online stalker and I really have not a clue of what he wants. I am not beautiful or thin, young and carefree. I am a fighter and scrapper and do what I have to, to get through each day. I have nothing to offer him as I am not wealthy I am only myself and I guess I am such an odd duck that he just can’t let me fly away.

He refuses to meet me or talk to me online and tell me who he really is, even though I already know. He plays games constantly and I just do not get it. He is approximately 7 years younger than I am so I do not see the attraction, I just do not get it. All I know is I have fallen crazy in love with him and I could kick myself in the ass for it.

His world is going to take a huge change shortly and he will be much happier and that makes me happy. I am glad for him because it is about time he started to relax and enjoy life more. I cannot see him  unhappy and I can see he will be quite happy soon enough. I want the same for myself but that has yet to come.

I am beginning to think that he has a lack of self-control, along with possible instability. People want what they cannot have, and some refuse to accept that and move on. He is involved with someone and doesn’t want to let them go and refuses to let me go, now I would say that is a pickle without the burger for sure.

One thing I do know is my life is no longer on hold for him and it is just a matter of time before I finally meet someone and my life will change drastically. He will no longer be part of my thoughts or my blogging, no more in my dreams, hopes or wishes. He will eventually get bored and forget all about me.

The Ruler

It could have been any day of the week and it was just another Sunday, but what a lovely Sunday it was. The weather was perfect, it was “hold my hand” weather, it was a lazy day even the wind was warm and moving very little.

The kids and I spent the day together and went out to dinner, it was nice just us, yes I enjoyed myself very much. I had fallen in the fog of my own mind until my daughter brought me back to reality by actually shaking my arm to get my attention.

I was thinking of him, thinking what it is going to be like to meet for the first time, will he even show? I would hope he would and I can feel how care free we are going to be once we get over that initial uneasiness. I hope he likes being silly and I hope he isn’t one of those who thinks being silly is stupid.

I just realized it is fall already and we all know what that means, cuddling by the fire drinking cocoa and just relaxing. I think this is happening at the perfect time in my life and I really do hope he is the one that I have waited for.

I do not even know this man but I feel as if I am going to marry him and I know that sounds crazy but it is true. I’m in no hurry to get married and I screw around on my facebook and joke with the guys and ask them if they want to marry me, damn I’m only kidding guys.

I have felt his arms around me

In another time and place

Some how we have been brought together again

Maybe to finish what was never brought to an 

End

These souls are heaven bound

They are meant to be one

Together

Forever

He thinks she is crazy

And that is alright

Because he can’t get 

Rid of me

No matter how he tries

I am etched in his brain

And his thoughts

I am the ruler

That hides behind

His eyes

I am the whisper

that makes him so 

Mad

He’s not used to

Being treated like

A young lad

This woman is so

Fascinating

And she is so 

Damn intriguing

That I cannot turn 

Away

I cannot get her 

Out of my 

Mind

She controls me

She moves me

She makes me a 

better man

Who’s Your Hero?

I was just thinking wouldn’t it be crazy if he is some famous person and I have never heard of him? How embarrassing for me but hey he has to wipe his own ass just like me so he is someone I have a connection with nothing more.

I do not play groupie whore very well, no that part goes to some of the other women he has been with. I’m your run of the mill 60’s housewife type and I make no excuses for how I choose to care for those in my life. Yes, I am old fashioned and will not apologize but I am also way ahead of my time in many other ways.

My kids think I’m a pretty damn good mom and they still have their complaints but I have mine as well. They want me to get involved with someone but they want me as well. We shall see what happens in a week and until then, no I will not be getting involved with anyone.

If he thinks I’m going to fall to my knees he better think again I do not care who he is, we put our pants on one leg at a time so we can start there. This has been a real crazy way to meet someone as he has been following me online for like three years now.

He has still hidden himself and maybe he will hide himself still when we are together, which I wouldn’t blame him if he is some famous person. Hell if it were me I would, get laid and if “it” wasn’t there maybe hang around awhile longer and see what I thought.

I have no clue as to what he even looks like, lol yes this is wild but I am cracking up because anyone who would go to the length he has gone to well, it’s just so bizarre to me but I like it, I like it a lot it’s like a love letter but deeper, more thought, manipulation, planning and delegating.

He has me following his lead like a puppy and that is exactly what he wants which is fine for the time being as I will turn the table very quickly, do not underestimate the ability I have as a woman, as a person as a definitive being that knows what she wants.